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The varying stages of insobriety

Insobriety.

chapter one: nerves. It's sort of funny, how easily you can mislead your feelings for someone. More often than not people confuse intense love to be pointless hatred, or lust for love. Thankfully, that failed to be my case. I knew exactly what had happened with me. My problem was, I wasn't quite sure if I liked it or not. Lying on the uncomfortable hotel bed, staring at the ceiling, I let my mind run with it's silly little scenarios of us being together. I often found myself in this position, thinking of how it would feel to hold him in my arms, to feel the strands of his hair glide through the spaces between my fingers, to taste what his lips had to offer. My mind would go hazy just at the thought of feeling his lips against mine, God knows how I would react if it actually happened. Not like there was much of a chance. I forced myself back into cruel reality as my band mate, Laura sauntered in. Her presence made me feel the slightest bit insecure, seeing as she was the tall, slender, sexy one of the group. The thing that made her more appealing to both guys and even some girls was that she was bisexual. Not that she flaunted it, but she definitely didn't let it go unnoticed. Perhaps that was what gave her the sex appeal I lacked. "Get up, we've got twenty minutes to be at the venue." She said dryly, leaning onto the doorpost with her legs crossed. I sighed, pushing myself up. I raked my fingers through my hair, biting back a groan that threatened to escape my lips as a headache hit me with the force of a steam train. I looked at the digital clock that was at my bedside, the numbers 6:20 P.M. gleaming in bright red from it. "You look like hell," Laura commented, striding over to my suitcase, her heels making a soft clacking sound against the hardwood. She unzipped it, rummaging for a few seconds before throwing an Iron Maiden tassle-tee and ripped jeans at me. "You might want to look good, Michael said their band is going to be there tonight." My heart leaped, my eyes popping open. Was she serious? Michael was going to be there? The night where I was leading the cover? Shit. I dragged myself out of bed, ignoring the low whistle Laura gave at the sight of me in just my underwear and a tank top. She did these kinds of things often, only to annoy us. We knew perfectly well that she had no interest in any of us, but she didn't fail to let us know that she still thought we were pretty attractive as far as our bodies went. Not that I believed her, but it was her opinion, who am I to beat her down for it? I padded my way to the bathroom we all shared, grimacing at my bloodshot eyes that made the grey around my pupil seem brighter than it actually was. I pulled my short hair back, turning on the tap, scrubbing my face clean. After I did what I had to do, managing my hair into its normal teased mess and putting on make-up, I walked back out, tugging the tank top off of me and pulled my outfit on. I paired it with my usual array of bracelets that fans gifted me, along with combat boots and whatever pair of earrings I could find. I stuck my phone and guitar pick in my pockets, then jogged out into the main room to the rest. The other two girls accompanied by Laura were standing there impatiently. Kasey, the bassist and my best friend gave me a look that read 'it's about damn time'. We didn't exchange any words, Kasey simply grabbed my arm and we were off. If it wasn't for Olivia, I wouldn't have made it out of the hotel. Being a severe claustrophobic, heavy crowds were definitely not my thing. The mere sight of them would cause my throat to tighten and my breathing stop short. Olivia was somehow the only one who could somewhat calm me down during one of my attacks. She kept me tucked under her arm with one hand over one of my ears, whispering comforting things in the other until we were safely inside the car. Even then, she wouldn't let me go until the crowd was gone. "Your attacks get worse every time, I swear." Kasey sighed, placing a perfectly manicured hand onto my knee, giving me a comforting squeeze as she pouted slightly, her blue eyes popping out the slightest bit. "I know," I sighed, rubbing my arms. "The heavier the crowds get, the worse the attacks are." "We need to do something about that." Laura chimed in, pulling out her phone. "The fans don't know how bad your claustrophobia is, we need to tell them so they can know to give you space." I shook my head. "No, leave it be. They just want an autograph or a picture or to touch us. I'm not going to deprive them of that dream." "Deprivation and a harm to you are two completely different things, hon." Laura dismissed the topic, holding her phone camera to face her. She was making a keek. "What's up, you creeps!" She grinned, her plump lips curling into a smile. "We're on our way to the venue right now." "I want to say hey!" Kasey and Olivia piped in, making Laura point the camera to us. The two of them waved frantically, whereas I gave a small smile and held my hand up as an acknowledgement. Laura pointed the camera towards herself again. "Yeah, guys, Sadie's claustrophobia is getting worse, so it would be beyond awesome if you guys could take her health into consideration when you come to our hotel or wherever. Okay?" She nodded. Olivia climbed over me and pressed her rosy cheek against Laura's. "Yeah, because no one wants Sadie to have an attack again." Again. The word rang in my ear, even after they had said bye. Bits and pieces of the memory of my first attack started to plague my memory, but I pushed them aside as my phone vibrated. I pulled it out, a smile put on my face as the words '@Michael5SOS just mentioned you' flashed across my screen. I unlocked my phone, eagerly opening the Twitter app up as my heart picked up speed. Jesus Christ, he doesn't even like you. I pushed my thoughts away as the tweet came up, a picture attached to it. '@Michael5SOS cant wait to see ya @Sadiedipity :)' Attatched was a picture of him, his tongue poking out between his lips as Calum and Luke's faces were in the background, Luke looking down at his phone as usual and Calum doing the same. I bit my lip, typing the safest reply I could think of. '@Sadiedipity @Michael5SOS it seems like you're the only one.' The car arrived at the venue just as Michael's reply made my phone vibrate. I took that split second to read it before Kasey pushed the door open and Olivia had to keep her arm around me again, even though this crowd wasn't as heavy as the lasdt one, and they seemed to have watched the keek and took the advice to give some space. '@Michael5SOS @Sadiedipity that's because the other's don't love you like I do.' That was it. I knew he didn't mean it in the way I hoped he had, but it was enough to make me smile like an utter idiot and put my mind in that happy, peaceful place that I needed to be in before a concert. Kasey pushed the doors of the car open, the sounds of the all too familiar screams flooding my ear drums. I popped out first, then Kasey, then Olivia, and at last Laura. We took our time, taking pictures and signing stuff and receiving things. By the time we had actually reached backstage, a solid seven bracelets were added to my arm and I had received a little bowl of cookies from a little girl who thought the electric blue color I had recently dyed my hair was beyond fascinating. God, I love my fans. We were given our instruments minutes before we had to go onstage. Olivia and Laura were taking pictures, whereas Kasey was playing with the ends of my hair while trying to calm herself down. She too suffered from a sort of phobia, hers being stages. How she managed this far, being the bassist and all was a mystery to me. "Michael's gonna be front row." She told me. I burned bright red, sighing. "I know." "You should sing a sort of love song, to get him to at least think about it." She shrugged. I shook my head. "No." I deadpanned. "I'll stick with my original song choice." She sighed. "Fine." Olivia jogged towards us. "Showtime, girls."