Sep 1, 2020
Ola
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Ola
Fearless
You tell me you that you look into my pupils and see a fire in me. You say it with excitement and a playful gleam in your eye. I give you a carefully crafted smirk meant to entice you and make believe in me as a mystery but that sensual facade was built to keep you undeterred and passionate. To keep you from realizing that there is a very real fire in me, a very real fire that burns my lungs and chars my bones. One that boils my blood and curls my capillaries into twisted springs. It scorches the walls of my flesh and it roars, it roars incessantly... I'm surprised that when I open my mouth to lie and tell you it burns for you that smoke doesn't pour forth and choke you, because it chokes me. I am almost afraid to touch you, that the heat from the blaze might come through my touch and blister your soft, beautiful skin. Everyday I wake up to the sound of the fire alarms in my brain reminding me that I am still burning, I go to sleep with the windows open, dying for a cool breeze... I just wish I could quench the flame somehow, it hurts me, rips me apart, blackens me, I can't seem to drink enough water to put it out. I have grown terrified even, that it isn't satisfied with just cooking my liver and spleen and intestines, that maybe someday I won't wake up. That maybe one day it will have burned all there is of me and I will only be a pile of ashes for my loved ones to scatter. Destroyed by that fire in my eyes that was never what you thought it was. You looked right into my soul and saw it going up in flames without realizing what you were watching... The slowest suicide, letting yourself burn into nothing.
this morning met me with a brisk 48 degrees and a sharp, bitter breeze that reminded me winter is well on its way.
after traveling for 9+ months in hot subtropical climates, I realize that I am not physically, nor emotionally (nor wardob-ally), prepared for a chilly, fog-swept winter in San Francisco.
and then I remembered:
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
as we enter the cooler months, may these wise words from French philosopher Albert Camus -- combined with a strong ujjayi breath -- help us all hang onto that fire within.
More otherkin stuff.
When I wrote here earlier, about my wolf soul stuff, I intentionally left out some information of my feelings of today.
Well, I wrote about my feelings of past then so that's why they are different now.
And the reason why I did not write everything is that I feel that I have a soul of a dragon of some sort. And dragons are not the most appreciated group of otherkins, or at least I think so. I don't feel like talking about general dragon stuff, so I talk about myself.
I have had this feeling for a long time now. Like I have some internal fire inside me that gives me lots of energy. I also think that its keeping me warmer than most people, because I don't feel cold as much as others.
And I have started to act even more instinctly now, and I feel like I would want to jump from a building and try to sprout wings from my back and start to fly. Luckily I have enough common sense not to try that, even when I have more courage nowadays.
I also feel as my soul would be too big for this body. It feels like my "real" bodyparts were trying to rip through my human body. And if I meditate, I can feel that I have more of a dragon like figure inside and around me.
And I think of myself very highly, and I'm happy most of the time. I also don't worry about things anymore, the usual human things I mean. Like money and health and dating stuff.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere near humans. I feel lonely even when I'm with friends. And I don't feel much empathy towards other people anymore.
I feel relaxed when I'm around animals, even wild animals, and I hope that I could just stay there with them.
I just hope that I could get to know this side of me more.
And I would like to meet someone who knows more about stuff like this and could help me Identify myself better...
Internal Fire by Dissection
