So, apparently about a month ago I received my first few pieces of real Internet hate.
They were comments on a random video I made last summer with my best friend Stephanie. We discovered the secret menu of Starbucks and decided to test it out.
It was not a great day, I didn't look great and the lighting was terrible throughout the video. But it wasn't a serious video, it was a random thing that I didn't really give much thought to.
But it ended up being a semi-free-for-all on my weight, my face and my car, for some reason. And if I'm being completely honest, I was more offended by the comment on my car than by the ones on my weight.
These comments were made more than a month ago, but I didn't discover them until last night, which really speaks to the filtering system of the Youtube inbox.
However, just a few days ago two more people commented on that video.
And they stuck up for me. They stood up to the trolling haters and they don't even know me.
I can't tell you all how happy that made me. These two girls stood up to five misogynistic, vanity-driven men in support of the idea that all bodies are beautiful and that no one deserves to be told to go kill themselves.
I admit, some of the comments cut deep, like the man who told me to "die bitch," but the fact that there are people out there who are willing to stand up and say something, lessened the blows considerably.
I expected to get hate when I started doing this thing. But the fact that it was on such an insignificant video (which I have now deleted for my own sanity) doesn't really make sense to me.
I thought about this a lot today. I woke up with the hate on my mind and I still didn't know how I was going to deal with it.
And it really helped me think about the situation in its entirety. Instead of getting upset and angry, instead of saying "Fuck you, fuck the the internet, fuck Youtube and fuck this life," instead of throwing my computer out the window and curling up in the dark - I was able to overcome what could have been a devastating outcome.
It made me realize just how much progress I have made toward body love and making peace with who I am.
And then I did what I always do when I don't feel too attractive or happy. I blasted some soul-affirming music that makes you want to sway your hips and mess with your hair and just love yourself for being alive.
And I almost full-out cried because I realized how strong I am.
It re-affirmed my belief that I am beautiful, damn it.
Maybe I could stand to lose a little weight and dress a little better, but despite all of these things - I am beautiful.
I am a beautiful, strong woman with ambition and a voice and you can't break that.
Social reality will never break me.
I love my life and I plan to live it in love with myself.
