Sometimes education can be catharsis, and sometimes it's detriment...
I had two separate but almost IDENTICAL conversations with two men I was recently acquainted with the week, and while I had a nice time overall, there was a moment during the conversation where it took an uncomfortable turn.
(It’s worth noting in the beginning that these were both two handsome men— you’ll see why.)
So, I tend to generally err on the side of caution when it comes to straight spaces, even if they’re Afro-centric, because I compartmentalize a lot, but don’t believe in doing it with my identity— I am intersectional and all of myself at all times. However, I also tend to trust the femmes within my community and social groups to not exactly lead me astray as many of us have overlapping identities… but there’s always an off day.
On two different nights of Black People-ing, games, jokes, and absolutely ridiculous & off-the-wall conversations, we seemed to stumble into a discussion of which there was no return— and the first time, I found myself audibly asking how we got there. They both— again, two separate occasions, amidst their jokes and bro-ing it up, began to spout unprovoked & incredibly misogynistic rhetoric that made me feel disbelief, concern, unsafe, and irrelevant in that moment, and I can’t say that I feel 100% safe returning— at least alone.
Before I go on, know that I’m not in the business of caping for men, HOWEVER, I don’t know them well enough to say they’re “bad people,” and my experience of them was a human one where there were ebbs and flows. It wasn’t that they were being INTENTIONALLY misogynistic, it was the IMPACT of them speaking so authoritatively on the misogyny— likely due to their perception of the world and lived experiences. I say this because, in a different conversation I was having about queerness with one of them, while it was quite laborious, I felt that he did want to learn.
Problem is, he was so sure of what he knew that he was in his own way. And I find that tends to be the case with a lot of men, and even people in general– myself included. We want to be executives of information and fact-based on things in our ever-growing world, not realizing that a lot of our world issues are societal and have nuance to them that can’t be put into strict words because it varies by person.
The other man this happened with I really didn’t want to get into the discussion because we were live, on the internet, and I didn’t want to say something he couldn’t take back. So I opted for the Ziwe method of satirical leading questions and obvious baits… but he wasn’t picking up the cues and was not only answering the baits but persisting.
Now, I am of the Maya Angelou school of thought that people will show and tell you who they are, and it’s your choice to believe them when they do. In that same breath, I feel like while he absolutely means what he is saying as of now, I want to at least see if he’s capable of reason before leaving him to his ignorance.
I made mention of them being handsome in the beginning because I feel that also plays a major part in how they got to where they are. Remember how I brought up the importance of nuance in these conversations? What we colloquially call “pretty privilege,” while obviously not an all-access pass, definitely can sway decisions and perceptions of a given situation. It’s why the Casanova & Ladies man trope (and it’s alternates the bimbo/femme fatale) are so prominent in media: the feats wouldn’t be had or as easily if they weren’t attractive. I say with certainty someone who has a more charismatic appearance and approach will illicit a different response than their average counterparts, even if it is slightly.
Pertaining to the character of the individuals in question, this is all speculation and theorizing on my part— both to unpack my feelings & being triggered about the experience, and to prepare myself for the conversation to come if it does arise as to not demonize them in mind because like I said I don’t think these are bad people. I also give them these graces, because I’m no fan of abandoning my people, especially not my brothas, but I prioritize my sistas even more. Generally, these sentiments coincide, but whenever I have to choose, I’m gonna choose Black Femmes everytime. And yes, even if that means having to double back and correct myself, I’m fully prepared to do that.
To that end, I will say this:
1.) Any man that GENUINELY believes “women don’t know what they want,” are not far removed from, if not already at:
“You just gotta wear her down.”
“She’s just playing hard to get.”
“She likes to play rough.”
“She totally wanted it.”
All of which are either blatant disregard or selective listening, both of which are INCREDIBLY dangerous, as they rob women of their agency. Believe a woman at all times, even if she does change her mind because at both times she knew what she wanted. And got anyone looking to counter this, I simply ask, “do you believe women when they say no?” If the answer to that is anything other than a definitive yes,— HE’S RIGHT HERE, OFFICER.
Furthermore, men that believe “girls are just riffing of each other saying what SOUNDS good,” are not men who actually like women. These are men who like what women can offer them— more emphatically: sex/attention. I say that because we as people don’t always do what we say we’re supposed to at all times. We adjust and make decisions in a moment, even if they don’t necessarily align with our best interest for the sake of our own gratification or betterment. It’s not a trait unique to femmes and it shouldn’t be weaponized against them.
2.) To the boys reading this and getting defensive, preparing their essays about “BuT wOmEn DoN’t….” and “GiRlS aRe…”
You might be right about whatever you’re about to say, but that’s not what we’re talking about. More importantly than that, you and your character are not under attack. You’re getting unnecessarily he-motional, de-center yourself and your feelings. This isn’t about you as a person, it’s about how what you’re saying affects others.
3.) To my women & femmes reading this like gospel:
Remember, there will come a day for our sermon too. We are not without error or reproach, and can even perpetuate these problems and others ourselves. Realize in any instance of misinformation and ignorance, there is a shred of truth that has been warped or intentionally bastardized. There is a level of accountability that is to be had on our behalf’s, mostly about correcting these truths as best we can and then getting men to spread the truth.
To conclude, I do also want to acknowledge that these aren’t original thoughts, but they’re important ones that resound loudly and resonate deeply because it’s a major problem. But, in the words of 3 Stacks,
"Y'all don't wanna hear me, ya just wanna dance."
