#introspective crap

[talesoftim]

You will always find flaws in what you do.

Some things take lots of time and work and nothing gets done if you don’t start.

Comparing your achievements to others is a black hole.

You can never make everyone happy.

A person in my live stream the other day said to me, “I heard that you sometimes ignore some of your fans.” and this really has affected me. Before they said this I was/am struggling with the first three sentences above. Every video I made had me wondering why they looked like crap. I wanted to do a lot of projects but they’ve fallen apart. They will take more time and work. I was also looking at bigger YouTube channels and wondering why I wasn’t there yet.

So when I heard that some people think I ignore them it hit me pretty hard. This was another failure on a long list of failures. A long list. Those words are still rattling around in my head even now and I won’t be able to sleep until I at least write a bit of introspective crap to calm my mind.

I never realized how much I care about the people watching my videos until I was told that I ignore some of my fans. Maybe I’m just a sap but this devastated me in a way I’m not even sure how to describe. It was like someone just told me that my best friend really doesn’t like me. I know that I should take what a single person says with a grain of salt, but I can’t help it if those words won’t leave my head.

You see, I’ve been thinking about a similar topic for a long time. I tell my fans, “I’ll do this, and I’ll do that.” but then never get to it because I struggle with laziness. I see the amount of work I need to do and my chest tightens, this indescribable weight pushes down on me, and my mind begins to wander. I see myself in my head working until I’m exhausted, going to sleep and waking up to work again. I see myself feeling miserable that my life has become predictable and monotonous. Just posting two videos a week on my Youtube channel is something I struggled with for months before it became habit.

I don’t want to be the guy that says something and never delivers. I don’t want to be the guy that lets people feel ignored. I want to be comfortable, and happy doing what I love to do.

I don’t know the point of this post. Its starting to become me whining about my troubles so I’m going to stop. I just want you guys to know that I love you all. All of my subscribers, followers, friends, family. You all mean a lot to me. I am sorry if you feel like I’m ignoring you. I’m going to try even harder to be better, but I’m just one guy. I run everything myself, plan everything myself, and pretty much can only do what a single guy can do. I can’t be there for everyone.

[capiscion]

i wish i knew how to act around the person i hurt. what's the proper amount of space to give, how can i minimize the hurt. Am i being paranoid, was he just having a bleh day? i've never been on this side of things, but i know my perspective from the other side was very skewed and denial ridden and i just pretended it didn't bother me until it actually didn't bother me then looked back on it years later and realized it actually bothered me and then eventually actually didn't care. 

but it did take years. at the same time its not the same. i don't know. happy new year, I'm starting off this year with some complex emotions and situations, and a scary big amount of steps into the new year. but hopefully it can all be about steps. we shall see where things are a year from now.

[ivy-echoed]

rambling about labels

apparently I'm awake and bored and thinky...

I've never felt comfortable labelling myself around my hobbies. Singing, Writing, Drawing... I've never felt like I could call myself a singer or a writer or an artist. And I'm not sure why I feel like I can't. But I feel like I don't belong in that label. Like I don't fit somehow. It's all just something I dabble in and not anything I have a passion for or work hard at. And the worst thing is if I put in an effort I think I could be half decent at those things and get to a point where I felt comfortable with labelling myself. A part of me even wants the label because it makes me a part of something, gives me a sense of belonging to something, I think. 

Sigh. I don't know. Writing was something I picked up because I hung out with writers, my best friend is a writer. Drawing was something I picked up because I hung out with artists and got a little interested and realized I had a bit of an aptitude, singing was the same way, I hung out with singers and I enjoyed it so I joined choir. But I always felt like they had more of a right to the labels than me. Like I was posturing or posing and didn't really belong. 

And the thing is once I stopped hanging out with these people most of these hobbies fell to the way side. So maybe I was right. Or maybe I gave up too soon. 

I think now about writing or drawing but it doesn't come easy and I get frustrated and I just don't see the point of it. Why bother to put in the effort, what's the point? I can't do it right so why bother. I think I have something of a perfectionist nature. Like there's a set of rules I'm supposed to work by but I don't know what the rules are so I don't bother?