#introvert rant

[hully-gully-gee]

I'm having one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone, but EVERYONE wants to talk to me. And I like these people, I like my co-workers, but I wish they'd just leave me alone.

[julskylyly]

me at work: I would like to socialize with people also me at work: *puts earbuds in and listens to music for 8h straight*

[introvert-english-student-rage]

My Friends

So, I’m introverted and like all introverts know I can only take so much socialization before I start to hate everything loud, excitable, or aggravating in any way, shape, or form. I’m starting to get to that point with my friends and any introvert reading this will most likely understand my pain.

They. Wont. Leave. Me. Be.

Even for one weekend and I’ve tried to talk to them about being an introvert before and how I need my alone time and all of them say something along the lines of “I’m introverted and I’m only drained by people I don’t like.” in an accusatory tone, “Fine. I see that you don’t like me.” In a guilt trip tone, or “You don't even need to acknowledge that I’m there.” In a duh tone and honestly I’m sick of it.

I’m getting to point where I just want to avoid all my friends in an attempt to charge my sociable battery enough to get my overall filter back and I’m starting to despise my friends. I’m starting to hate how my friends enjoy stuff (Which is loud and obnoxiously) and I’m starting to just want them to go away.

Usually I can put up with the emotional baggage I usually have to deal with with my friends but recently I just want to tell them to “Shut up and deal with it with someone else” because I just can’t take it.

My one friend Sandy has been coming over every. damn. weekend. for the past MONTH and I’m getting seriously tired of her. I’m getting seriously tired of all of them. But Sandy is the most annoying.

Sandy guilt trips like its her fucking job and I hate it. I get that her home life isn’t the best and that my house is considerably quieter, but I just can’t be the only person she goes to. We have a whole friend group to choose from and while I may have the biggest house and everything that. doesn't. matter.

Sandy will consistently use our school breaks to surf the internet and then she’ll complain if I say she can’t come over. I’ll tell her that my family is going out of town and she’ll be like “Well I guess I’m going to fail.” or she’ll say something like “Great. I was really counting on come over to finish this. Now I won’t be able to.” Two days before an assignment thats been due for weeks is up and that I’ve asked for her to work on in the library with me several times. If she knows she can’t do it at home, why wait until Friday to start it and just expect to be let over to a friends house?

I’m just starting to get tired of Sandy because she just won't understand whats wrong and she guilt trips me all the time. I just don’t want to put up with her anymore and I feel like that makes me a bad friend. 

[julskylyly]

ok, introvert rant

i would really like to keep in touch with people. the thing is i’m not too eager to start conversations with just anyone and that’s ok - i just lurk around facebook/instagram to see what’s up with others. the problem starts when other people want to talk to me. i usually don’t answer the phone, because i don’t like it, but i always and almost immediately reply to texts, which a lot of people just ignore. the thing is these people want to talk with me BUT EXPECT ME to text/call them - the reasons may vary, but the most common is because of the age - i have a few aunts and uncles that do that to me. if i don’t contact them they apparently get very upset with me, that’s what i was told by my dad to whom spoken aunts/uncles complain. today dad told me that one aunt was visiting my town and wanted to meet, but i didn’t answer my phone the other day, so now dad was told to tell me that she’s not gonna contact me unless i write her a letter. everything would be fine but she didn’t reply to the 2 previous messages i left her. and my other aunt (actually my godmother) who got upset when i posted my mom’s photo on the Mother’s Day with a little “thank you Mommy” comment attached to it, because (and i quote) “i’m also your (almost) mother, i love you daughter” which kind of creeped me out, kind of cringed, but all and all i assumed was just a call for attention from me. like hey, i’m just one message away ! i really appreciate people who talk to me first and i’m very thankful for that, because it shows that they thought about me and they care. i hate forcing conversations just for the sake of talking, i hate talking when i don’t have anything particular to say. i would if i could but i can’t so i shan’t. or maybe i just don’t really care about those people, i dunno. i’m just tired 

[shadowfromthestarlight]

wow i really want to be alone and not talk to anybody for a while. i am so overwhelmed from being around people too often lately. i wish i was alone by a lake or s/t with no other people around. i almost don’t even want to go out to lunch tomorrow with my boyfriend and his friends. like, yes, i *want to* so i can give him a hug and get to know his friends more and go to this restaurant that sounds really cool, and i have to be in the area anyway. at the same time, i’m tired of socializing. the thought of going with my parents to finish emptying my room, probably hearing a lot of yelling as we figure out how to get all the stuff into the car, seeing the RD, going to lunch with at least five other people, hanging out at my boyfriend’s house, then going to brunch on sunday with a bunch of family members, is really stressing me out right now. normally it wouldn’t but i’ve been dealing with finals (which also means being surrounded by people for hours on end) and generally socializing way too much. not to mention, politics has become way less of a hobby and an escape from daily life and way more upsetting than usual in recent weeks. i feel like even going to a coffee shop and talking to my boyfriend on the phone for half an hour was too much for me today. i just want to stop going on facebook, turn off my phone, and stay inside and read a book. and do that for like three days straight. 

[midsummerpsycho]

It’s O.K if it’s going nowhere; ‘cause I ain’t too

I realize I was shy sometime between kindergarten and first grade, impossibly early for kids I think? Cause shouldn’t kids be allowed to be less aware of themselves rather than just sitting through class pondering on and on about how and why they would always shrink away if someone linger their unconscious stare for too long?

I realize I’m introverted a bit later when I learned the word in English class, when ‘spending time alone’ and ‘reading books’ makes more sense to me as enjoyable things rather than ‘playing sports’ and ‘being around people’ does. But personality test in those days used to be so stuffy and one-dimensional I felt bad being told it’s better if I did something to better my human interactions ‘cause it’s not fine being alone.

I realize it’s not that simple growing a bit older and feeling my lungs constrict and cold, invisible sweat dripping down my spine when my dad take me (alone, without my brother, ‘cause he had basketball meet) to family gathering Asians usually are obliged to attend. I shut down when people ask me if I remember them, and I remember feeling like being step on for thinking it’s a sin to not remember faces and blood-relation even though I was supposed to have met them a gazillion time. As a teen, I remember exactly when I start thinking about relationships as annoying and bothersome, ‘cause you always have people outside of your bubble who have expectations you cannot meet.

I realize it’s worse than my society was allowing us, when I actually measure the size of my bubble, and how close a person (for this I have yet to categorized as whom would be allowed and who not) would be able to step further inwards before I can feel something ugly rising up inside. and I would want to turn can put my hands around their neck and squeeze. so I stop myself before all else and learn to be quick enough to push them back.

Society is getting better. We found people, and people found us. So it’s a bit easier to breath when the one you’re talking is being mindful, or better, know that you enjoy being softly spoken to and your conversation is not drawing any attention from the coffee shop’s goers.

****************************************************

I’ve read post saying people get better if they try, when they choose and select who they want to associate with carefully.

and yet,

Now, to be 20 in two months, I know for a fact that I’m not getting any better ‘cause I still have to turn off my phone to get me somewhat of a (false) sense of security whenever I message my boss or anybody else about something I think would trouble them (asking for leaves, running deadlines, tasks reminders in on exams weeks,..). to eventually have to turn it on again, for social responsibilities and shook violently when there is notification.

I told my friend that if it physically hurts when it was supposed to be a mental or psychological thing, I’ll write them off as an issue. And it’s O.K to be hurting and choosing to not bother people about it, everyone is hurting in someways already.

I’m seriously clueless as to where I’m going with this. Sometimes I feel like it’s my self-centered self wanting recognition ‘cause I wouldn’t otherwise act out directly and asking for the supposedly unwanted attention. But sometimes I know it’s legitimate - this absence of a need or will to reach and socialize, because it hurts.

*cuts off because I’m not thought-fluent

(incomplete)

[penguinphd]

Actually it is you...

You think I'm boring because I don't enjoy drinking and loud parties. Well I think YOU'RE boring because your drunken conversations are completely meaningless. When everyone around me is too drunk to function, I am BORED. When people are having superficial conversations, I am BORED. I'm that weird person that falls asleep at parties because frankly... I am BORED.

[shadowfromthestarlight]

i just need to say this

I like being alone. I need to spend a lot of time on my own. I enjoy being alone in my room or in the woods, and I also enjoy doing things in public on my own. I have to have time to do whatever I want. I easily get tired of being around people, even though there are people I like very much.

I can’t have a family. I can’t. I have to be alone. Whatever job I get, it’s going to involve being around people for several hours at a time. I can’t come home to more people afterwards and be happy to see them. I couldn’t even handle coming home to a dog.

I want to come and go from my home as I please. I don’t want to always have to tell someone where I’m going. I want my own bedroom and bathroom. I want to keep the food and drinks I like in my home. I want to go to bed and get out of bed when I want, and not have to worry about disturbing someone else. I would like to stay in one place forever because moving sucks, but if I had a great opportunity to move that I felt I couldn’t turn down, I’d want to go without upending someone else’s life. And I don’t want someone else to upend my life by dragging me somewhere far away.

I get along with my family members so much better after long absences. I don’t miss someone I like after not seeing that person for a few days. That’s not normal for me. I go months without seeing a lot of people I like, and it’s totally fine. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. And even if you’re used to being around certain people often, it’s nice to get a break from them. I actually will probably stop liking you if I see you every day. You’ll say the same things over and over, you’ll get in my way, you’ll have a habit I think is weird (I have enough of my own weird habits, I don’t need someone else’s in my life), you’ll get mad over something stupid and that in turn will make me mad, you’ll talk when I don’t want to talk, you’ll be silent when I don’t want to be. You’ll end up annoying me, and I’ll end up pushing you away.

The people who tell me I can’t live this way forever are all extroverts. They don’t get it (I don’t get them either). They think if you need to be alone, it’s because you’re sad or angry, not because it makes you happy. I genuinely LIKE being by myself. If I’m out and about by myself, it’s not because I don’t have friends, it’s not because I’m lonely, it’s not because I have a problem that I need to work out on my own - it’s because it’s FUN.

Besides (sigh) I know some people will think this is lazy and immature, but so be it... I don’t want to fight with someone. Or for someone. I don’t like fighting. Those posts that are like “sometimes marriage is really fun and you feel completely in love and sometimes you’re screaming at each other but in the end you make it work” don’t inspire me. I don’t want that. I’m already in the midst of planning for what could be a stressful career. And there will inevitably be sources of stress in my life no matter what. I don’t need or want to add more. 

Sure, from a pragmatic standpoint, I am a little afraid of being alone. That’s why I don’t want to live in a rural area. The idea that someone couldn’t get to me in an emergency is scary. And if and when I get old, it might be even scarier. But the idea of coming home to an empty house or apartment, of eating alone, of going to bed alone, doesn’t bother me.

From this point on, I’m done pretending I could make it work with someone else someday. 

I’m done leading others to believe they have a chance to marry me or move in with me when they don’t.

I’m done acting like I can conform to people’s expectations of me just so they don’t think I’m a complete weirdo.

Just done!