୨୧ I’m Here Now ୨୧
Summary: Remus get’s overwhelmed with his intrusive thoughts and Janus finds him alone as he’s having a panic attack. Warning: Angst, self deprecating thoughts, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, talk of poor mental health, cursing, mentions of suicide.
Characters: Remus and Janus
Word Count: 1022
Ship/ Pairing: Receit (Remus x Janus)
(This is my first fanfiction I’ve written on here, I hope you enjoy!)
(◍•ᴗ•◍)♡ ✧*。
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Please....not now...
I don’t need this again.....SHUT UP!! Remus gripped the sides of his head as he rocked back in forth in a corner he found himself in often. The darkest part of Thomas’ mind was no stranger to vile things and those things often came with Remus wherever he went. Murder.....suffocation....suicide...the list goes on. It felt like he was on a broken record player, repeating the same phrases to himself over and over. “Just leave me alone!!!” He cried out into the empty room. The thoughts were loud enough to make the silence seem loud and never ending. He dug his nails into his head, biting his lip until it bled, still rocking against the wall trying to calm himself.
Maybe you should just go off yourself...
“I--please!!! Let me be!” He exclaimed, burying his head in his lap as the voices got louder and louder. He felt he was stuck in a void, the cold room making the idea easier to picture. There was no light source, yet somehow it felt as if it continued to dull in color.
There’s no one here to help you, Remus...
Tears slipped out of Remus’ eyes. “Dee could help me!” He fought back. If only I could find him....he could make this all go away!
You mean Janus? Pfft--!!! That’s laughable....he doesn’t care about you....you’d be better off dead anyways. At least then he wouldn’t have to take care of you all the damn time! God, how pitiful to you have to be??
The room felt like it was turning, spinning faster, gaining speed as his twisted thoughts worsened. Images of his own dead body found by his fellow sides...how they wouldn’t blink an eye as his corpse laid there. “No!!! They would miss me! They care about me!” Do they, Remus? Because last time I checked....they don’t care about you at all....don’t you remember their faces when you showed up? How much pain you put them through?
Remus’ head shot up from his lap with eyes widened. He remembered their expressions: Patton’s uncomfortable pleas for him to stop......Virgil’s panic....Roman lying there on the floor unconscious....and Thomas.. Yes....don’t you remember Thomas? How unhappy he looked...that was you....this is your fault!
Remus opened his mouth to let out a sound, a scream....something...but nothing came out. Maybe his mind was right....maybe Janus would be better off without Remus there all the time.... The panicked side quickly covered his mouth with a hand as tears poured from his eyes.
Dead.....I’m better off....I WISH I COULD JUST DIE!!!!!
“Remus?”
His eyes darted to the figure standing in front of him, light pouring in from the opened door across the room. Janus crouched down to be eye level with Remus. Looking closely, he could see that the boy in front of him had been crying for what seemed to be awhile. Distress was written all over his face. “Your eyes are bloodshot.” He gently grabbed Remus’ chin, turning his head at different angles to fully comprehend what he was staring at. “What are you doing in here, Rem?” He asked, his voice even and calm with a hint of worry that Remus didn’t notice. Remus didn’t answer.
They both sat in the overwhelming silence for awhile, the only sound heard was accelerated heart beats. “I--” He tried to speak, but his voice was shaking too much. Janus moved his gloved hand to the side of Remus’ cheek, stroking the reddened skin with his thumb gently. “Janus?”
“Hmm?”
“Do i matter?” Remus bit down on his lips which had purple and blue bruising marks on it. The scaled side’s eyes widened ever-so-slightly, relaxing after a moment.
“Of course you do. Why would you ever question that?” With the other hand, he began to run his fingers through the panicked boy’s hair. Janus could tell Remus wasn’t okay...it wasn’t surprising to him in the slightest. This wasn’t the first time he’s found his dear friend in a random corner losing his grip on reality. This wasn’t the first time, but this was the first time it had gotten so bad.
He’s lying to you. That’s his whole gimmick....he’s Deceit you disgrace!!!
“STOP IT YOU MONSTER!” He screamed at the voice, pushing Janus away forcefully. He lost his balance and fell backwards, landing on the floor with a grunt. It hurt Janus to see him like this...he felt his chest ache as if someone had come up and hit him as hard as they could right where his heart was. Remus’ eyes were shut tight, but he knew that he had hurt Janus. “I’m---so s-sorry--I didn’t mean--” Before he could say another word, Remus felt arms wrap around him, pulling him into an embrace. “I love you...” Janus whispered to him, tightening his grip on the smaller boy. Instantly Remus broke into loud sobs, his eyes wide with emotions he couldn’t describe. “I didn’t mean to....” he fought weakly. “I know....I know...” Janus smoothed his hand over his back. “Let’s get you out of here, bub.” With ease, he scooped him up and walked out of the room and into the light. When they arrived to Janus’ room, Remus had returned to a semi-stable state. Being as gentle as possible, he set down the now worn out Remus onto the plush bed. “I’ll get you something to change into.” He smiled lightly. As he motioned for his drawer, the moments replayed in his mind He let out a sigh. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, baby....
“Okay I got these, I hope it’s comfy enough for yo--” As he looked back to Remus, he began to smile widely. He was asleep peacefully. He placed down the pajamas on the end of the bed and crawled in next to the sleeping boy.
“I have you now....I’m here...” He whispered. And as he peered down at Remus, he could of sworn the boy smiled back at him.
