things you said when you thought i was asleep
There’s a quiet that tethers him here, solemnly, and surely.
Baekhyun’s exhales in between his inhales are the only bit that serve as a reminder that time continues to move on. That the night continues to live on, without a care about how many still lie awake, for no particular reason one can pinpoint.
“Jack, you don’t understand.” He tries to catch him, but Baekhyun slips right between the spaces of his fingers, and leaves him steps behind. “I’m sorry, but you don’t.” Baekhyun’s shoulders shrug, as if defeated, his palms and eyes all closed like he’s trying to keep everything out and ten feet away. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you just can’t understand. God, I sound like an asshole but that’s just how it is, Jack. Please.” He’s not sure what to say. He never does; never has.
“Can we talk about it, at least?” It’s a request, and his voice shakes with it, his hands pleading with him; the body earnestly asking for some kind of absolution of conversation.
Baekhyun looks at him and they’re with eyes he’s never seen before. His gaze cuts him in two, right down and across where it matters the most. “My issues are going to go away in a day. They aren’t – they just, aren’t, Jack.” Baekhyun’s eyes drop from him, and a smile graces his face instead. It’s the kind that doesn’t sit right, an antithesis to it’s purpose.
“I’m sorry.”
(…)
“Are you asleep?” His voice is tender, with no strength to his words. “Did you finally fall asleep, Baekhyun?” Everything feels out of place (the clock ticking, the rumbling thunder outside the window, himself – Baekhyun), even here, where things shouldn’t. “Well that’s a relief. That’s…” The air presses up on him all too much, and it forces him to stand. “…good.” His steps fumble towards the speakers just a few meters away from where Baekhyun sleeps, as he grabs the ipod sitting besides it. He scrolls through artists he’s all too familiar with now, all thanks to no one but Baekhyun, and settles on the song he looks for from the beginning.
(–So much is going on / But you can always come around / Why don’t you sit with me for just a little while? / Tell me, what’s wrong?)
He lowers the volume until the music is static in his background, letting the tune filter in and out of focus to it’s own accord. When he returns to where Baekhyun sleeps, he isn’t sure if it’s his own wishes altering perception, but he swears that Baekhyun looks more comfortable. He walks over till he’s right besides him, taking a seat once more. Here he observes Baekhyun’s face, and how the light doesn’t seem to dare touch him, like it is afraid, of something even it doesn’t know.
He doesn’t mean to, but a sigh escape him, before he bows his head against Baekhyun’s hand. His forehead touches at his knuckles, brushing over them while he tries not to notice how his hands seem to hold the slightest tremor to them. He tries not to notice it as much as he’s tried his best to look away from the way Baekhyun’s been touching his lips one too many times this month, or rubbing along his neck. All like a child, afraid of something he doesn’t know.
Will never understand.
“You keep saying your problems aren’t going to go away.” He doesn’t lift his head when he speaks, because suddenly everything is so heavy. There’s something pressing against his chest, and another thing pushing at the skirts of his skin. When he feels the sun on his back warming up his skin, it’s the only reminder to pick his head up. But it’s enough.
(–You say the world, it doesn’t fit with you / Why don’t you talk to me for just a little while? / I can only try to make it right)
“But I won’t either.”
