Definitely Not A Sex Dream About My Ex
I woke this morning from a dream about my ex.
When I’m stressed, I dream about planes, being in a car I can’t drive, or my ex. I have more than one ex, but when I dream about “my ex”, it’s always this particular one.
The dream is always a deviation on a theme. I suddenly realise we’re still together. Usually I’m back in the apartment, wondering how I got there, hadn’t I moved out years ago? I’m always deeply disappointed and very frustrated.
In the dream, he was in bed with me, lying over me, looking down at me. I was aware of his size, his mass, he was very real. He went under the duvet to go down on me, something he never did in reality, and I felt totally underwhelmed.
Why bother? It’s not going to feel like anything.
I signalled to him with a “tsh, tsh” to
get back up here, my mother’s in the house!
He resurfaced and I turned him over to lie on me on his back, and put my arms around him to secure him there. I rubbed his hair like you would a dog, to let him know there was only civility between us, not heat. I hadn’t been at all worried about whether my vagina was palatable, acceptable, ugly, sterilised enough for him. Another detail completely different to reality.
How had he washed up on my timeline like this again, after all these years?
I cannot wait, but I cannot wait to be single again!
I needed to come up with something fast to get rid of him, but what? My dreaming brain was not cooperating. I looked over at my phone on the nightstand. Who could I text? Which of my friends would understand my predicament? I had to tell someone, text someone the words, as if by articulating them I would increase the likelihood that he would simply get up and go of his own accord. There was Lily, but at most she would simply notice that her phone had vibrated at the other end of the room and go back to whatever she had been doing. Paula would only annoy me, being too positive, asking whether I couldn’t make the most of it. Joanne would be passive aggressive - Oh Lyo, always making a mountain out of a molehill! I lay there with this man’s back pressing down on me and thought about how I really needed to stop being shocked by repeated behaviour. Maybe the dream was really about the state of my friendships.
Well, it was looking like I was on my own. How was I going to get rid of him? This burdensome piece of driftwood come back to weigh me down. And just as the anguish of being trapped under this man was becoming too much, I woke up.
