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Rant Ahead
It does not happen very often but we have reached it folks. I need to rant or my brain will explode.
Let me be very clear I am an educated (almost 27 year old) people-pleasing person. 9/10 I will try to complete whatever project is given to me and go above what was asked. I work a typical day job as a receptionist. Not only am I the youngest full time working person but I am also the person who is paid the least. Meaning if there is any job someone does not want to do I get it.
I get the shitty jobs.
Whatever I had planned to get accomplished gets tossed out the window if someone needs help.
I work in an office with generally nice people. But as a people person I get lonely. I sit by myself most of the day or do jobs that leave me excluded from other things. So when someone does interact with me it is important that most of those interactions are important. This is not always the case.
Just in this past week, I have been pushed to my breaking point.
I have been cut off mid-conversation.
Talked over.
Gotten food for someone who totally had the time to get it themselves.
Pulled from projects.
And now the center of this rant. The box project.
Being the creative person I am it is very hard for me to accomplish tasks if I don’t understand the why behind something. You bark out orders without explanation I will fucking DRAG my feet to accomplish it. I work in a place that is not creativity inducing. But hey when your spouse is a full-time student and you got bills to pay its what you gotta do.
So I have had this box project under my desk for about 2 months. Not only is it a time-consuming project but it is tedious work reading someone else’s sloppy handwriting. I was given very little direction and instructions so I have really been struggling with accomplishing the task. I accomplished the first part of the box task and the person wasn’t 100% happy with it so I left it for another 2 weeks to come up with a better game plan. And 2 weeks turned into another 2 weeks. Because bad mental health is a bitch and I literally couldn’t bring myself to work on anything of substance at work for like a month.
But this week. This week I put my nose to the ground and started blazing through the project. I took disorganized folders and organized them. But the publication date and topic. I created a spreadsheet with the main subject of each folder. I took what I was given and improved it. IT LOOKS 100x better than when I got it. I even hand labeled each folder with the date and subject (which was not requested in the initial giving of the project- above what was asked).
Satisfied with my work I go to deliver the box back to it’s owner sorted and labeled along with the printed spreadsheet tucked nicely in the box for their viewing pleasure.
Upon glancing in the box this is the response that I get...
“Oh you hand-labeled everything... would it be possible to make printed labels for each folder?”
“Sure yep not a problem. I can do that. No worries.” Can’t say no to the person who’s name is on the door and is also my boss.
And I walk out of their office box still in tow. Upon returning to my desk, I slide said box back safely under my desk. Spend 30 minutes trying to figure out why my mail merge from Excel to Word isn’t working. Contemplate what it would feel like to just burn the box inside the office for all to see and/or just walk out for the day and not tell anyone.
I can’t stand to correct and correct and correct something because you change your mind. I want to put all my energy and effort into it the first time and be done. I had done and given my best and it is still not exactly what you wanted. But you don’t give me the decency to actually explain specifically what you wanted. In this example, I do not win. My spirit is beaten and my want to do things for you in the future is small.
I grew up in a house where I didn’t always feel supported. I get it. I am a big feeling person. I feel like I am constantly pouring myself out for other people and rarely get anything short of a few drops in return. I am literally like Tinkerbell if people stop believing and affirming me, my inner soul will wither away into nothing. I need positive affirmations in my life. When you demand and constantly take without giving anything but a half-hearted thanks in return, that hurts. You talk bad about me in earshot that sucks because I will remember that long after you say something positive about me. I will always question your motive behind any little thing you say or share.
All I want is your approval. To feel needed and wanted.
This week I have given all I can.
I snapped.
I sat at my desk and shed a few tears. I let myself acknowledge my shitty angry and hurt feelings. Inadaquiceys and all. Said fuck in the workplace a few too many times. This week I feel stuck and stifled in my job. I feel lonely. I feel used. I don’t get the decency that others do. Favoritism in the workplace is real. Judgmental people are not limited to high school. And I will never be flat enough for some people to walk all over me. I will never be enough for some people. Not everyone will like me.
But thanks Tumblr for being a very accepting place where I feel wanted and affirmed. It makes the sucky feelings feel a bit less sucky. So I will continue to push forward in my outside of work creative projects because you deserve it. And I am so excited to share those with you!
//I’ll just tuck my girl away again. She’s starting to get used to it. Work in an hour so I guess I’ll just watch S4 E3 of SPN while I do more mundane, stressful crap... Deal with shit that got screwed up yesterday... Blah, blah, blah.
It's been a while since my brain has been so all over the place that I couldn't sleep, but that's the case tonight. I had a third date with someone, and it was just so lovely and nice. Not going to blabber about him or give details about the situation or anything, but I'm very hopeful and happy. That's all.
