#irritable depression

[b0n3s-x]

it is entirely exhausting falling in order with the idea of love.

im sick of always loving the most.

im sick of being the only one willing to commit.

im sick of being the only one in love.

how dare you say you love me when I have seen nothing but a cold shoulder?

how dare you say you care for me yet have been so absent?

how DARE you say you want everything to do with me yet show NOTHING!

not a single crumb have you left to indicate your intentions and emotions.

i have been the only one in this ruse showing my feeling,

showing my love,

showing my heart.

do you understand that I am exhausted?

i cannot win this loveless,

unrequited,

hopeless,

fantasy that you allowed me to play out alone

the joke is over.

i am no longer waiting.

i am no longer a pawn.

i am no longer a game.

i’m glad i was convenient for you

that’s all i’ll ever be,

im just mad you had the audacity to say you love me too, when it is clear you never fucking did in the first place

[myloveandmind]

My level of nihilism is extreme lately. My country is a flaming shit show, my meds and alcoholism keeps me steadily fat and numb, and I have a man to fuck but not to love. I hate...I hate so much.

[myloveandmind]

Been a while... Just haven't needed to write my thoughts down. Or maybe I really needed to, and just didn't. Regardless, my heart has been broken solidly, I've started medication for depression, and managed to have another full-on drunk breakdown in the shower.

The love of my life, that has turned into the shit of my life, cut me out of his. The words "we're not even friends anymore. I choose **** over you." are absolutely seared into my brain. All my life I've been passed over and left behind....now I got it in the form of a lover. It hurts very deeply. More than I anticipated really. What with the initial blow up over my fuck buddy.

Which brings me to the other point. I'm fucking someone on a regular basis, that I have no ambition of loving. Love has screwed me so often, I want no part in it ever again. The world has shown me I'm meant to be alone. He hurts me, I like it. It's quite sadomasochistic... Interpret that as you will. I want to be hurt, it's all I deserve. All I can see in my future. Why not let it permeate even the most intimate parts of myself. My soul is a void anyway.

Maybe the medication will work. Maybe I'll be able to finally see what life is like without the fog of depression over it. I do know, I don't cry now. Even if I want to, it's nearly impossible for me. I don't know what's going on in my brain.

[myloveandmind]

Fell back down into the black hole again. My ex has cancer, and he doesn't want my help. I can't fix it. I can't fix cancer. I keep having the feeling I will die alone entirely. The only thing I truly enjoy lately is being manhandled by my fwb and escaping my need for control for a while. The one constant. The need for control. And I have none. I caused so much strife because of it...

[myloveandmind]

I hurt. I find no enjoyment even being outside anymore...sunlight doesn't leech the black out of my soul like I used to. Songbirds don't lift me up.

Why am I not wanted? Even by my own self?

[myloveandmind]

Follow up: you make a fucking appointment with a therapist is what you do. I've put this off for YEARS. But now, there would be no turning back. I need help, I'm getting help. Hopefully this man is a good fit, if not, I will make another appointment. I want to not live my life feeling dead forever. It's awful and I feel my soul dying in the process.

I'm not my depression. I was funny without having to use it as a defense mechanism, I had hobbies, I had goals and dreams. I need all of that back.

I want to love myself. I don't think I ever have.

[myloveandmind]

What do you do if you're dead inside, want to die, but don't want to kill yourself? I just want to not be hurt or depressed anymore... But the final way out isn't my option either.

I'm just alternating between numb, soul-crushing sadness, and white-hot anger. Daily. I can't live like this.

[supersaminaraza]

Irritable Depression

Depression, the irritable kind is when one is quick to anger and quick to tears. Unfortunately this is the kind that I often have, where I get so angry and even rageful, and then the tears, yes the tears come. Julie Fast’s blog is the first place where I learned this was a thing. I wrote about it, see here: https://bipolar1blog.com/2016/08/20/mean-bipolar-downswings-check-yourself-before-you-wrec…

View On WordPress