the downside of being very self-aware is that people perceive it as being put-together mentally and emotionally.
the reality is i put in almost a decade of academic work and know how to understand many complicated ideas. i was in a math Ph.D. program for 5 years and have my name on a published math paper. i know how to read academic articles.
i know how to read a paper and recognize my level of understanding. that’s how you get better at math. read papers you don’t fully understand, figure out what you recognize, figure out what you don’t understand.
read around the things you don’t understand. think of them as a blank spot in a sentence and make the sentence around them make sense to you.
take that knowledge away from the paper. i don’t understand the whole thing, but i can take some good knowledge from it.
that’s what i do with psychology articles for fun. because my brain is bored. and since i’m actually quite brilliant at analytically unraveling problems, i can untangle my feelings in relation to the new knowledge. i don’t claim to be a psychological expert, but i can synthesize the information i do know.
doesn’t mean i’m not also a dumb motherfucker when it comes to actually dealing with those feelings.
the knowledge of them and the dealing with them are two separate things. the first is a step toward the other, but i also have to learn how to manage the feelings.
so yeah. i’m very, very intelligent. i left school because i wasn’t happy, not because i wasn’t smart enough.
and i’m very, very broken. intelligence is not magically universal. it’s being skillful in some type of problem-solving. everyone is intelligent. i mean that quite seriously. being good at something means you have intelligence.
being good at painting your nails, playing video games, drawing, making music, putting outfits together, writing poetry, hanging out with kids, drawing a perfect circle.
do you have a weird random skill? that means you are intelligent. smart. you know how to use your brain.
i don’t say this to imply that you need to act and take advantage of that intelligence, or have ambitions and “not waste it”. i abhor that idea. it’s what kept me in grad school for so long when it was killing me.
don’t believe it if anyone tells you that you aren’t smart enough because you’re bad at something. like school or reading or math. they just don’t understand what intelligence is.
if someone tells you that you are dumb, they don’t see that you are so smart, you just haven’t developed this particular skill yet. and the way they are teaching you may not be the right way for you to develop it.
it’s a problem with them.
you are not dumb. everyone reading this: you have a lot to give the world when you tune into that intelligence. go shine, please.