Have you ever had that thought?
It seems so easy. I’m an intelligent person (so says I) and people would totally want to hear what I have to say about *insert topic here*.
The last few months I have thought to myself, I should write a book on marriages. Now, stay with me here, I know most (if not all) married couples think they are the be all and end all of good marriages, and admittedly during the first year of our marriage I thought I knew everything too. Then things got harder (turns out every person ever was right about that one) and I still thought, I should write a book about that.
Well, as mentioned previously, Hubby has Asperger’s. Most people when I say this give me a very sweet (If condescending) look, tilt their head to the side and say something along the lines of, “Oh wow.” Assuming my life is somehow insanely hard because of this. Don’t misunderstand me, I know a lot of people who live with someone with Autism and it is insanely hard. I get why people do the head tilt. I do. It just makes me a little irked right off the bat because Hubby’s Asperger’s has made our marriage incredible.
For those of you who don’t know what Asperger’s is, it is a high-functioning form of Autism. That means Hubby’s brain is wired very differently than other peoples, but it’s more in social ways, not practical everyday ways. Example. Hubby can take care of himself completely fine. He can cook, clean, clothe, work and provide for himself. However, Hubby can’t look you in the eye for longer than about 3 seconds. If he’s never met you before that gets reduced to about 1 second. It’s not a big thing, but it’s big enough.
Story time! The first time we spent any time together as “more than friends” in college I realized Hubby wouldn’t look at me. I assumed this meant that he just didn’t like me (as would most people I’m sure) so I got a little upset about it and then moved on. Then, Hubby asked me out on a date. I felt kind of blind sided because I thought the guy had next to no interest in me, so I was confused but excited! I said yes and we went out. Part way through our date I had enough. He wouldn’t make eye contact and would constantly turn away mid-conversation to stare off into space. I thought he was the rudest guy I had ever been on a date with. So, in my not so nice way, I told him off. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of, “Why can’t you just look at me when I’m talking to you?” Hubby said, “Well, I actually have Asperger’s and it makes me really uncomfortable to look at anyone. I’m really enjoying our date though, so you know. You’re easy to talk to.”
Well I’m a shmuck! That was the first thought that went into my head. The second was, I wonder how he drives to school every day. Because I was a completely uneducated moron. I knew nothing about Asperger’s and assumed it was the exact same thing as having full blown Autism. It isn’t (in case you didn’t catch that from my subtlety there) and I have spent the better part of 8 years learning that. All my preconceived notions have been challenged (thankfully I didn’t have that many to start with) and I have made a discovery.
Every married person should have Asperger’s.
I have discovered that Asperger’s has fixed, prevented and encouraged almost all forms of communication in our marriage. Hubby does this unique thing that is totally foreign in today’s culture of taking everything I say at face value. This might sound naïve, but it really has revolutionized my thought process.
I came out of a relationship prior to dating Hubby where mind games ran rampant and every day was a new adventure in deception. This meant that when I started dating Hubby I would always ask him, “Really?” every time he told me something. I was used to someone who didn’t say what they meant and expected me to figure out what they were fishing at. It was exhausting. I didn’t even realize how exhausting until I met someone who didn’t do that.
I want to be clear. This took years of Hubby constantly repeating, “Yes, really. I really mean that, I don’t mean anything else.” It’s hard to change habits, expectations and assumptions overnight. But now, when I say something or Hubby says something we don’t look for the hidden meaning or the subtext because (and listen closely) THERE ISN’T ANY. It’s hard to believe sometimes and I still default to my old habits when I’m tired or stressed (like now, when Momma and Poppa are permanent residents in our household) and will ask Hubby, “Are you sure?” or “Really?” a few times until he looks at me with that let’s not start this again look and I smarten up.
It sounds like such a small thing, but when the person speaking doesn’t have subtext and the person listening isn’t looking for subtext, the conversation goes a lot smoother. The speaker isn’t annoyed that the listener isn’t catching what they’re saying and the listener reading into things that aren’t there.
This is when Mominlaw usually interjects and gives me the proper psychology terms for what I just said, because there are legitimate studies on this like communication in marriages (what??) but I can never remember those psychological terms, nor do they really mean anything to me. I’m simple. I need simpler terms.
