#it does not end

[blahh613]

frum life is having a chazzan going "MICHAYA HAMESIMMMMMM" playing in your head for WEEKS

[procyo9]

[the-final-sentence]

we're all waiting for you.

Mary Lambert, from "It Does Not End"

[rhellireda]

had to check and the fexi playlist community did not disappoint x

[risingsunresistance]

everyone is dropping like flies apparently cuz my sibling woke up sick as fuck too RIP

my entire house had covid, my roommate and his dad had it (possibly bc of us but we arent sure), someone else in our friend group got it, and my dad's friend got it. all at once. my sister's kids also got Unknown Illness at that time too. then today me, my roommate, and my dad have been VERY sick and on top of whatever we have i started throwing up

[inthiswhisper]

me thinking about 15x18 every day of my life.

[clinging-to-the-bars]

I KEEP FINDING MORE AND MORE IRON MAIDEN CONCERTS, HOW MANY ARE THERE EVEN???????

[looney-unicorn]

Make it stop

Please say the anxiety stops at some point. Please.

I cannot stop getting stuck on overthinking possible flaws in my thesis, catastrophising, having no sense of self-efficacy and then stewing, ruminating and ending up doing poorly thought through things to attempt to deal. And I just want to hide away and not think about it and I am so bloody tired.

Or. I want the deadline to not be June and instead February. Because then at least I’d panic work and not have time to worry about every tiny detail being perfect.

AND I HATE THE IRONY OF TRAINING TO BE A PSYCHOLOGIST. 

I have made sense of this anxiety according to at least 6 different models, I know why it’s there, I know what keeps it going and my general patterns in life that have led to this point. I know why motivation is hard to come by and how depressive thinking occurs and how it manifests and all that shit. I am a master at formulating myself after 2 years of perpetual reflection.

I hate knowing that I could go a CBT route and form more positive cognitions, really weigh up the likelihoods of feared outcomes and then seek advice from people about what they actually expect of the thesis and face any problems head on and proactively.

I hate knowing I could go a DBT route and practice better emotion regulation skills, act opposite and distract and generally take care of myself more actively. Run. Work out. The most well-proven anxiety reliever is exercise.

I hate knowing I could go the ACT route and conceptualise my anxiety differently, give it a shape and a feeling and accept it’s presence fully. Not judging it, not fighting it, just really looking at it. Letting it be there. Letting go of the all the extra nonsense I do to try and manage or fix it and just being creatively hopeless. Carrying my anxiety around with me, rather than running away from it.

I hate knowing so damn much about how humans work. Knowing what I should do and knowing both theoretically AND experientially that therapeutic techniques work and then. Not applying them. When I need them. Well I’m just digging my own grave with this. And writing these posts is just another ruminative process.