Don’t you hate it when you’re staring at someone but you don’t know you are doing it... Then you notice you are and you’re too lazy to look away and the person starts to stare back at you?
And now you look like this
The person giggles and is all fun and games for the first two seconds... The next five minutes you already look like a psychopath
And now they think you're planning 101 ways of killing them,
When, in reality, you already have over 1000 ways of killing someone.
Lie Low at Lupin’s era || Say You Won’t Let Go - James Arthur
Read in AO3
It was kind of hard, really, facing an old friend in a situation like this; because Remus Lupin was everything but a mere platonic friend to Sirius Black ever since he was fifteen.
He was one of the most crucial turning points of Sirius’s life. Knowing James was one, following by being sorted into Gryffindor. Being disowned from his family was another. Between that, being right there in front of Remus in the Shack, transforming into the big black dog for the first time, had also changed everything after that. It changed how he was as a person, shaking every part of his soul, little by little. Sirius had spent twelve years thinking about it and no one could take it from him – because apart from the pride and excitement that he could finally shift into his dog form, what he had secretly felt after that wasn’t happy, so he held onto the memory for dear life and swore he wouldn’t ever let it go.
It wasn’t happiness. It was fright.
Sirius might have lost many good things in his life – like James and Lily’s laughter, peaceful days at Hogwarts, the first time Mrs. Potter hugged him, the first moment Harry’s eyes met his – but one certain thing those Dementors couldn’t steal away was Remus.
Because no matter how happy they were back then, whatever he felt for Remus hurt just too much.
It was terrifying.
Because he later realized – much too late – right after he was thrown into Azkaban, that his feeling wasn’t just a simple unrequited stupid crush. Because while James was his brother, someone Sirius would die for and the only one he sought approval of, Remus was a whole different story.
Because Remus was the only one Sirius knew by heart he couldn’t have – didn’t let himself have – since he didn’t want to lose him or accidentally hurt him ever again, like he had always done, like he was meant to. It was too scary to be in love with someone this wholeheartedly, growing up broken as he was, but knowing it then was all too late. He couldn’t do anything for Remus anymore.
And now they were facing each other in the same room, eyes locked together. Full moon was in two days and they both were on edge. Dumbledore told him to lie low. Remus didn’t have a word in this and let Sirius into his house just like that. Nonetheless, it was hard to keep calm and act normal when he had been in prison for twelve bloody years, alone and completely drained. It was even harder not to do anything to scare Remus away by chance.
Sirius couldn’t help but reach out to the man before him.
He had waited for almost twenty years; almost twenty years of loving this boy, this man, this person… He couldn’t wait anymore. He couldn’t bear any longer.
He just needed to touch Remus.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, gently placing his palm on the werewolf’s neck. Remus subtly winced, enough for Sirius to feel but not too much to be considered a rejection. “I know you don’t— that I’m not— I shouldn’t—” Sirius shook his head slightly, hopelessly, desperately. “I’m sorry. You can— If you want to forget all about this and never talk to me again, I understand. I just— I need to—”
He couldn’t put it in words. It was too much, too overwhelming, too intense. He was being selfish. He was taking advantage of Remus’s grief and faded memory of his old friend. He was, once again, crushing Remus’s trust into pieces.
But he couldn’t let go. He didn’t have strength to let go.
“I’m sorry…”
Then their lips met. It might be only Sirius’s imagination that they had met half way, that Remus was as desperate as he was. The brunette let out a soft gasp but didn’t pull away, giving Sirius a chance to kiss him properly, tasting him, devouring every inch of him. It took Sirius a whole minute to notice that the other man was clutching his robe like a life line. Their bodies flushed together as they effortlessly found a perfect rhythm. Forget finesse, the kiss was all teeth and tongue and suddenly, at the back of Sirius’s brain, he realized that it wasn’t just his own imagination. Remus was crying, kissing back, holding him close like he meant it.
“Don’t—” Remus murmured against his lips, refusing to back away first even though they were about to be out of breath. “Don’t you dare— Don’t go. Don’t ever leave. Just don’t—”
Sirius bit his bottom lip a little bit too hard, and Remus moaned into his mouth. They could have this ages ago if Sirius weren’t too broken to make a move. Little did he know that if Remus weren’t too scarred to look a bit more closely, things too might have been much better.
But it was alright. It was okay. Here Sirius had Remus in his arms, both breathless, and broken, and scarred like they had always been, but they had everything right now.
That kiss just screamed out everything that had been left unsaid for nineteen years.
“I’ve never been in love again, you know,” Remus choked out as they finally parted for air, their noses brushing slightly. “After you’ve gone.”
“I didn’t know,” Sirius muttered. “I didn’t— You should have— You deserve—”
“Don’t,” Remus cut in. “I just— I can’t— I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”
Sirius breathed out a content sigh he didn’t know he still had it, content that was.
Remus fell silence for a few seconds before he began to smile, half sobbing, half laughing. He was beautiful. He was way too beautiful and perfect to be real in Sirius’s eyes. Sirius didn’t know how the younger him could resist the urge to lean in and kiss him repeatedly. Then again, his patience was higher nineteen years ago, when he was more sane and healthy.
Stay, Remus told him through the kiss, And don’t let go.
Sirius closed his eyes, shouting at the top of his lungs as he kissed back with everything he had.
