Love waking up in pain knowing I HAVE to get up and do the thing (reenacting gig. We're booked. So it's basically like work, I can't skip) KNOWING that I'll suppress the pain as the day goes by YET knowing it'll be back X2 tomorrow in retaliation
Is it overall exhaustion is it neurological bullshit (I read autism can give you random pains ?) is it anemia showing worse because of course it has to be right at this time of month, no idea
But the muscle pulls make me want to puke, my ears are ringing and my BP is too high (I can't test for it but believe me I know the signs)
"i know i can't do much to stop it and i'm sorry i can't just take all your sadness away but i'm gonna be here for you for anything. i want to lessen the pain. even if it's just for a moment."
Summary - Denki’s lover passes and he’s left to handle it .
As a pro hero you had to expect anything at any time. You had to be prepared for everything. For anything.... At least you were in theory. No one could of been prepared for that attack. No one could have known that the villain would send the whole building down with him in it? Sacrificing himself and so many of his men to give time for his boss to escape.
The second the building start to go down Denki froze. You were still in there. You were trying to get the hostages out. He needed to save you.
“What are you doing?!” Kirishima screams as Denki starts to move towards the building. His legs were moving before he could think. “Denki stop!”
“Denki no!” Mina yells.
“I have to go in there!” Denki shouts back, “Y/n’s in there!”
Before he could get any further the building collapsed. The entire crowd looked on in horror. No one could of survived that. The hostages - everyone was in the basement or lower levels.
“Y/n,” Denki says softly. He moved running towards the rubble. The others heroes followed suit. Digging and searching for survivors. But they didn’t find any... All they found were bodies. Some holding each other. Knowing it would be the last thing they did... Some protecting children... Some holding phones trying to reach out to their loved ones for the last time. Denki looked over each person. Hoping that he wouldn’t find you... At least not like that. He wanted to find out somehow you made it out. Some how under all this you were alive.
“Kaminari,” He heard Sero call. He turned around to see your face. His eyes widened in horror.
“No,” He says softly, “no no no please no.” He moves towards you. Pulling you from the rubble at once. Your body is limp. Cold. Blood everywhere. Your eyes staring into the blue sky above. They were lifeless. You were lifeless. “Babe baby,” He says softly. Tears welling in his eyes. “Baby please.” He wants you to move. To comfort him. “No no no.” Sobs escape his throat. The other pros- no his friends. They are watching him. Watching him lose himself in loud sobs as he clutches the body of his partner. “Y/n please please I need you.”
He was supposed to be prepared for this.... That’s what they always told him... That you could lose anyone at any moment. To be prepared to die. To lose friends. Family. Heroes were always at risk. You both knew this when you started dating. You knew the risks of your careers. And you both didn’t care. You were so in love. And that love- it made you feel untouchable. Like nothing could hurt you as long as you had each other. He felt like the world finally was doing something good for him. Putting you both at that agency together. Assigning you both to missions together. You both got so close. You both were so happy. And then you started dating. Denki had never cared about someone like he cared about you. He would of done anything for you. And you knew that, but you’d also do anything for him. It was such a pure thing you two had. You fit together so perfectly. Like you were made for each other....
“Baby please!”
Mina moves into Kirishima’s arms as she sobs softly. Sero, Kirishima, hell even Bakugo. All of the heroes were tearful- if not completely crying at the scene. They were witnessing heart break. The loss of true love. You guys were supposed to get married. Have a life. A family. More than this.
“Y/n I’m so sorry.”
Sero moves placing a hand on Kaminari’s shoulder. Trying to help comfort his friend.
“You’re Chargebolt?? Oh thats so cool! I’m a big fan.”
“You’re?”
“I’m Electra,” You tell him, “I’m assigned to train with you.”
“Oh I get a pretty thing like you?”
“This isn’t fair,” He sobs, “this isn’t how it was supposed to end.” He moves burying his head into your chest.
Heroes are supposed to be prepared to let everything go. Put everything on the line. To save one life. To save hundreds. Heroes die every day. But it wasn’t supposed to be you.
Denki didn’t want to move forward. He wanted to sit in the apartment you both once shared and wait for you. He wanted it all to end. To trade your place for his. To hold you again. To kiss you again. He wanted you. He wanted more than this. He stopped going on missions the day after you passed. He couldn’t bring himself to try to save anyone knowing he couldn’t save you.
“So you’re real name is Denki?”
“Yep.”
“And you want me to know this... why?”
“So when we go on our date you can call me my real name,” He says with a big smirk.
“Oh our date?”
“Yeah I was thinking you and I could go out for dinner? How do you feel about that?”
“I’d love to.”
Denki was sitting on the floor of the apartment. A bottle of whiskey beside him as he holds his phone to his ear.
“Denki? Denki baby? Oh damn you’re probably on patrol... Well when you get this or I guess when you get free can you call me?? I miss your voice! Oh damn that’s Mina- No Mina I’m doing paper work I promise. I’ve got to go handsome.. Call me when you get a chance!”
Beep
The voicemail ends. He moves pressing the next one.
“Hey cutie? I know you’re on patrol but I wanted to call and check on you... Also I bought you another Pikachu ... I know I know! You said you have enough but frankly I don’t think you can ever have enough Pikachu plushies. And this one is a detective pikachu! So when you get a chance facetime me so I can show you!”
Beep.
He looks over to the stack of stuffed animals you kept on the couch. He always teased you about it. Especially when you’d come home with them. But now he’d kill for you to try and sneak in another Pikachu. Giving him some goofy reason as to why you needed this one.
He moves taking a long swig of the whiskey. Then moves to click the next voicemail.
“Denki~~~ Denki~~Denki baby! Mina’s got me drunk and I miss you! This club isn’t fun any more and I miss you!!! Come pick me upp- ooo oo and bring pretzels! Huh? Oh hey Sero- I’m trying to call Denki! I know he should of came! Denki Sero thinks you should of came with us! No no Mina get off of the bar! Sorry babe I’ve got to get mina.”
Why didn’t he go out with you that night? He was tired... if only he knew he would only have a few more weeks with you. He looks down and clicks the next one. It’s a mintue long... He doesn’t remember this one.
“Denki.... Denki I’m sorry... I tried... I tried so hard to get us out- the building it’s- it’s falling- The exits are blocked... I don’t have long.”
His eyes widen as he realizes what he’s listening to.
“I’m sorry Denki... I’m sorry baby I don’t have any way out.”
You’re crying. He can hear it in your voice.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen.... I was supposed to come back out and see you again... Denki I’m sorry.. I’m trying so hard... I don’t know what to do....” He hears people screaming around you. “I love you... I always have.. I want you to know that. I’m not gonna make it... But you mean the world to me... I know this is terrible to get in a voicemail but I wanted to tell you one last time... You are the love of my life.”
Your voice is shaky. Denki feels tears stream down his cheeks. He didn’t even realize he started crying.
“No no! THe building- Denki I’m sorry- I love you... I love you so much-”
It stops there. He knows how it ends. Right with you buried beside your mother. How could someone be prepared for this? How could they expect him to be ready to handle this. He moves his hands to his hair. The light tears escalating to sobs.
“What am I supposed to do without you?” He sobs.
He doesn’t know if he’d ever know. All he knows is that you weren’t supposed to leave him. And he misses his lover. More than anyone has ever missed anyone else.
The way you smiled. The way you said his name. Your laugh. You singing in the shower. Everything about you.
Alright, I’m having a bad day and it’s time to get real.
I wanna start this off by saying I love you guys. You’re amazing, and the support I’ve been given for making silly memes, art, and stories has been amazing. We’ve done a wonderful job keeping this tiny part of the internet mostly discourse and negativity free- and the Positive Mental Attitude Cult has been a dream.
That being said, I’m officially coming to terms with the fact I’m getting overwhelmed on this blog. Like, exceedingly overwhelmed. I’m a tough b!tch who can take a lot of sh!t, but this is getting to be too much even for me.
My ask box was down to 0 on april first and we’re already nearing triple digits. I legitimately can’t stay on top of it and get anything done. I opened up prompt requests once for a few hours and I’ve still got 30 more to go. The amount of taglist requests is insane and it already takes me about a half an hour to post anything for any of my au’s because I’m just dealing with the taglist. Theres people asking me advice, telling me random things, asking me to do more tutorials, compliments, or just general inquiries and thoughts about my stories and I really desperately want to answer them all but I just can’t. As soon as I post one thing 5 more take it’s place and I cannot keep up. Theres thousands of you and one of me.
And don’t even get me started on the amount of general disapproval I get for indulging on things I enjoy here on my actual main. The amount of sh!t I’ve gotten from The Four Horsemen Au has gotten me to the point I’ve considered just cancelling the project in it’s entirety. Whether it’s people criticizing how I wrote Patton, general qualms with the parts of history I put into it, or people telling me I’ve assigned their places wrong without even having read the goddamn thing or understanding I’ve just started the story has been an actual nightmare. Honestly, if you have a problem with that story f@cking block the tags I RELIGIOUSLY put down and stop sending me sh!t about it. I don’t f@cking care if you don’t like it, just trot along and stop making it my problem you don’t like something.
It was supposed to be a refreshing thing for me to do after I wrap up the fluffy romantic DWAU. Something that catered to my favorite morbid interests and love of history. I didn’t expect anybody else to stan it, or hate it. I just wanted to make it and sometimes I regret that I did.
It’s actually killing me as a creator. And not to be ‘uwu my life is so hard I’m too popular’ -I am grateful for the love I have been given. But I have literally a million other things going on outside of this. My grandma just had a stroke and I’ve to take care of the house while my parents go take care of her and my grandpa. My mom’s friend keeps dumping her problems on me and expecting me to fix them. My irl friends are accusing me of shutting them out and favoring this blog over them. Commissions are backing up and My career is actually so f@cked that I’m forcing myself to start my own business just to keep up with my bills and even considering opening up a patreon.
I’m incredibly unhappy and stressed out and it’s causing me to walk on eggshells and praying that I don’t trigger another episode I don’t need right now. But because I’m not a f@cking quitter and I’m too tenacious to let anything go I’m going to make some motherf@cking changes around here.
So, tl;dr-
-I’m no longer going to try responding to everything in my askbox.
-Mondays and Wednesdays I’m not going to be on tumblr.
-If you send me vents I’m just going to delete it. I’m not your f@cking therapist. Most of the time you don’t actually want my help anyway, you just want to complain.
-If you send me another writing prompt I’m going to delete it.
-If you have something negative to say about any of my AU’s or fics keep it to your f@cking self.
-No more anon. Face me like a goddamn punk rocker.
Sorry it has to be this way. But I’m tired of what’s been going on around here. I’m not subjecting myself to this torrent of bullsh!t anymore. I’ve got so many other cool projects I want to work on, but I can’t if this blog I do mostly for fun eats up everything in me.
// i don't think people on the internet knows how to handle vent art. or vent words. coming from people who have been thru truly traumatic experiences.
when those words/art pieces aren't directed at any people around them who might be reading/viewing, and not intended for profit or gain. but only to vent or release pain. and even then, it's not enough. bc the artist/writer is on a platform, and must accept that criticism can be inevitable and to "be prepared" for meanness. and be prepared to hear the most piss dogwater take on their trauma.
"let it go" or "you're taking it personally"
told to dial back your c-ptsd being triggered
because, i guess, it wasn't triggered conveniently. you have no right. to vent. on the platform where others exist. even with tags that warn about it. even under read mores. even warning "don't read if"'s. even cautioning "this isn't about anyone".
God, I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was more easygoing. I wish my dumb brain didn't need things to be just so. I wish I wasn't so convinced of the idea that I'm never going to have a partner.
But at the same time, part of my brain wishes that I could just accept that last one instead of feeling bad about it.
When I think about it, I'm really not unhappy with how my brain works, and how I process things. I just wish it didn't feel so bad so often.
