I’m absolutely baffled at this new narrative that I’ve seen circulating in certain parts of the Buffy fandom talking about how Buffy and Angel’s relationship was supposedly “retconned” into a tragic romance in Season 3, because apparently, the only purpose of the relationship in seasons 1 and 2 was to portray an older man taking advantage of and grooming a young girl, culminating in Angel’s turn into Angelus and Buffy sending him to hell and “taking the power back from her abuser", and that him coming back in season 3 is a regression of that storyline.
That was never the fucking narrative. Buffy and Angel were written as a tragic romance from season 1 episode 7 “Angel.” It was always a star crossed lovers story about a vampire slayer and a vampire falling in love, and the difficulties that came along with that. This is the exact narrative in seasons 1, 2, and 3. Buffy and Angel knew it and so did everyone around them. The relationship was never portrayed as an older man grooming a young girl. It was always portrayed as two extraordinary people from different worlds being drawn to each other despite their differences, whether that is age or species or purpose, and relating to, and finding comfort in each other and their unique circumstances of being a part of the human world and the demon world but not really belonging to either (Buffy being human but also a slayer, and Angel being a vampire but also having a human soul.) The story was always about how they couldn't be together because of external forces but despite their best efforts, they couldn't deny their powerful connection and how they changed each other's lives.
The appearance of Angelus after the events of "Surprise" is a heavy handed illusion, with horror spin, of the wellworn trope of a seemingly kind boyfriend turning mean once he has sex with his girlfriend.
"What we basically wanted to show was a horror movie version of the idea of ‘I sleep with my boyfriend and now he doesn’t call me and also he’s killing hookers in alleys." - Joss Whedon in the DVD commentary for the episode "Innocence".
However, the relation of that trope to representing Buffy and Angel's relationship begins and ends at Angelus's appearance. The trope depends on the fact that boyfriend archetype having always been mean, but was hiding it to get what he wants: to exploit the girl and control her. He has always been abusive, and the girlfriend archetype, is passive. A victim. Blind to his true nature. Neither archetype reflects Angel or Buffy or who they were to each other. Angel's behaviour towards Buffy before they slept together and once his soul is returned is the same: tender, loving, kind, devoted. As for Buffy, she's never been passive a day in her life. She wasn't coerced or pressured into having sex by Angel. In fact, he suggested caution, to slowing it down. But Buffy wanted him, was certain of him and them, and the moment they were sharing. She had thought it out and considered the implications, and chose her course with her eyes open. They made the decision to sleep together with love, and honesty, and the hope for the lives they had just pledged to each other.
Angel's soul being taken from him is an act of vengeance committed against him. It's not something he did, or planned, or even knew about. He did not "become abusive" once they got into bed. The violence of the situation is enacted upon him, not by him. This is why it's SO devastating when he loses his soul and Buffy has to find the strength within herself to destroy the person that she loves, the one who is "the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me." That entire storyline is a tragedy. In "Becoming Part 2" Buffy reclaims her power with the "Me" sword between the hands moment, NOT when she sends Angel to Hell. The fact that she has to kill him right when he gets his soul back, is a fucking tragedy, and it destroys her! It's something that fundamentally changes her and she repeatedly brings it up across the series as one of the hardest things she's ever had to do
So no, Season 3 didn't retcon shit because the show has been portraying them as tragic star crossed lovers since the beginning. What season 3 does is explore the aftermath of what a tragedy of that magnitude can do to a relationship; how it fundamentally changes it and what happens when both parties have to figure out how to forgive and find a way forward. It shows Buffy and Angel learning to accept that their relationship is doomed, regardless of how much they love each other and how much they want to be together, because of the curse, because he'll never die and she will, because he can't offer her a normal life, etc. It's a valuable story to tell and in no way diminishes anything about what came previously. If anything, it adds depth, complexity, and beauty to the dynamic and the story as a whole.
