#it's suffocating

[spamtonspammyspamspam]

i can't fall asleep it's 1) too hot and 2) i'm way too anxiousssss i keep having intrusive thoughts about my change of apartment going terribly wrong, or people i love dying and it being My Fault because I Should Have Prevented It when no one has died?!??? i'm feeling guilty over things that haven't happened?????? AND IT'S PREVENTING ME FROM SLEEPING????

also i'm trying to daydream about spamton to help me fall asleep but i keep on making it angst without wanting it because of the intrusive thoughts saying "but what if everything went wrong....." and of course the inevitable "aren't you such a Bad Person for thinking about your boyfriend being miserable? shouldn't you wish the best for him? you're so horrible he must hate you...." i wish my thoughts could just shut the fuck up. i know they're not rational nor reasonable, i know that. i know things like "being a Bad or Good person" aren't real and the world is not black or white, i know that. it's just. the thoughts are so loud in my head it's like trying to fall asleep with the neighbor doing construction work next to your room, except the noise, on top of being fucking distracting, is actively trying to give you a panic attack and make you believe you are an irredeemable monster doomed to cause harm to everyone you love dearly, and you can't prevent it because you are fundamentally a Bad Person. (can you tell i have a mental illness yet? (/sarc))

i already took my meds to make the thoughts shut up, but it's not kicking in yet..... already fucking 1am (my time) and i can't sleep..... i'm so tired just shut up please shut the fuck up can my brain let me fucking sleep.....

[justtheclouds]

Hate looking in the mirror and having no clue what to call myself. It's so hard to commit to anything when I constantly feel like I'm lying to myself whenever I try to sort out my identity. Even if someone who somehow knew me better than I knew myself told me exactly what I am, I'd still be doubtful. I hate feeling like this I hate mirrors I hate not knowing concretely who I'm supposed to be

[svckerbaby]

When I'm laughing and having a good time but then I remember, I'm MOST likely to end up in a miserable marriage at the peak of my youth, than ever get out of my country and makes a name for myself, suddenly ain nun shi funny anymore.

[dudeshusband]

your christianity doesn't make you good and moral automatically. my atheism doesn't make me automatically immoral. i'm tired of this.

[bernard-the-rabbit]

My guilt will not purify me

[lushberrys]

i'm so far behind on washing laundry and putting it away that i legitimately want to throw everything away. it's everywhere and i feel like i can't breathe

[insomnova]

god i wish they hadn't retconned maul's death. i get wanting to explore more of his character because he was, objectively, one of the coolest star wars characters to ever hit the big screen and didn't get much screentime prior to his death, but also his role was fulfilled perfectly within those constraints so i wasn't too upset by it.

but by retconning it and making it so he never died it's like. okay. what now? the whole point (well, to me, ymmv of course) of the theed generator fight was that it was the first ever fight between the jedi and the sith in thousands of years, and that in the end even though the jedi (obi-wan) won the fight, a jedi (qui-gon) and a sith (maul) still died. a master and an apprentice dying together to herald the start of a new age/the return of the sith. perfectly paralleling the way in rotj a master (palps) and an apprentice (anakin/vader) died together to herald the return of the jedi. in both instances, a father figure (qui-gon/vader) dies in the arms of their son (obi-wan/luke) as a sith (palps/maul) is cast down into the abyss to their deaths. (palps being alive in the ST and retconning his death in rotj is also annoying for this reason)

i mean i like maul. don't get me wrong. he's an incredibly compelling character and i enjoy seeing more of him... but there's always the thought hovering in my mind like "he should be dead though. he should 100% be dead. this wouldn't be happening if he was dead, but i honestly would rather it not if it meant that maul was dead."

like the tpm fight just doesn't hit the same knowing that canonically he's just. going to become a robot octopus at some point. (shoutout to palps becoming sith glados in the ST) it cheapens the moment for me. it was supposed to be a moment of triumph marred by the deep and soul-crushing loss of a loved one and it's just... not, anymore. or at least not to the same extent. AUGH i'm just. frustrated. wish star wars as a whole wasn't constantly reframing/retconning what's been established. just puts a bad taste in my mouth.

[c4tto626]

oh i'm hearing thunder can this heat pleeease break tonight