So today something weird happened. I realized I needed to shower, and I was going to, and then I realized I was also really hungry bc I just woke up late and hadn't had breakfast. I didn't know which to do first. I was reading on my phone trying to decide and I started pacing through my dorm room while I read, and then I couldn't stop pacing. I wasn't panicking or crying or anything, and I was calmly on my phone unable to stop pacing the same path across the common area of our dorm. 1/3
I was trying to stop myself and nothing happened. I would try to take a different path, go into my room, sit down, just stop and stand where I was, nothing happened. Finally I decided to make a list of what I needed to do. I decided that if I somehow got a cookie and ate that while I paced, the crumbs along my path would irritate me enough to make me want to stop and sweep. So I wrote down that I would do that, and then I was able to force myself to detour, grab a cookie, and continue pacing.2/3
I was right, as soon as I finished it I was really ready to stop and sweep it all up, and I did, and I was able to continue getting ready to shower, instead dog going back to pacing. I’m theorizing that this may have been a shutdown? I’m not too familiar with them though. Iaatt? 3/3
As it doesn’t sound like you were feeling overwhelmed or distressed, we are not sure if your experience would typically be considered a shutdown.
From our definitions page:
Like a meltdown, a shutdown is a response extreme distress. A shutdown is an internal reaction to this distress. During a shutdown, a person may become unresponsive, lock in place, be unable to talk, and/or appear frozen.
There is usually a passive or vulnerable quality to a shutdown - you become slowed down or immobile, you may be unable to speak, many people seem to feel a need to curl up or hide and so on. While you do describe becoming “locked in place” (being unable to stop pacing), it sounds like this was from a Too Much (stuck in an action), whereas a shutdown is usually accompanied by a Too Little (being unable to initiate an action due to being stuck).
As the ability to start or see through a task as well as task-switching are linked to executive functioning, we think you may have experienced a kind of “executive dysfunction loop”, which may have been brought on or exacerbated by the hunger.
That said, this post talks about a lack of representation of the various ways autistic people may experience meltdowns and may be of interest to you as well.
