In item #181 of GISHWHES, we were asked to give advice on how to become pregnant for a tenth time. We did so by writing a 2000 word essay and then tweeting it (piece by piece) for the world to see.
Below, you can find all my wise words and helpful tips, just in case you ever find yourself wanting that blessed, tenth child.
People rarely ask me for tips on child rearing, nor do they ask me on what to expect during the long three trimesters of pregnancy, and that is because I have no children of my own. So naturally, I consider myself an expert on reproduction and the delicate biological intricacies that accompany human fertilization and gestation.
Now, when it comes to getting pregnant, there are three main things you need to remember: chocolate is tasty, you’ll likely crave it
prior
to conception, and third and most importantly—inform your significant other (or whomever is assisting you in the creation of your progeny) that you must have chocolate 24/7. And I realize, this may not be news to some—in fact, many of you reading this have probably had multiple children already because,
duh
—
Hershey’s
, and you have also lived strictly by those delicious, chocolatey, unbreakable rules for years. So if that is the case, then you’ve come seeking my advice on the next logical step in parenthood—
the tenfold
. When it comes to the decagonal birth, the most common concern I hear is: “What do I do when chocolate isn’t enough? How do I get to having that ultimate tenth baby, growing inside my belly baby house?” Well, first of all—your
belly baby house
is called a “womb” … you should know that by now; and secondly, you’ve come to the right place, because as a mother of 0—obviously I am only missing the number 1, so I am pretty close to this whole “10” issue, spatially. Therefore, pay close attention to the following biological, genetic as well as completely holistic methods of reaching the pinnacle that is:
the decimvir rug-rat.
The first option is: you need to become a rabbit. It’s rather simple, so don’t think the fact that you were born a human and always have been a human, and have only ever given birth to human children is an issue—it isn’t. Do you like carrots? Yes? Good. No? Well, just imagine the following does not resemble a carrot and you’ll muscle through. Now, you’re halfway there; so, following those previously mentioned three, golden, chocolate rules—wait until the timing is just right, aka, Easter, and when that moveable feast makes its way onto your calendar, that is when you need to make the trek to any Americanized grocery store and fill up your cart with as many carrot-shaped chocolate treats as you can find. Then, you must go to your backyard, or a neighbor’s backyard, or the a-typical grandparents’ backyard and hide yourself amongst the reams of tall grass. Consume the chocolate carrots while your existing nine children all pelt you with egg-shaped plastic containers, because this will not only promote fertility, but it will also act as an offering to Henose, the chicken goddess, who will slowly, but surely begin morphing you into an Easter Rabbit. The only caveat to this is that your tenth child must also become an “Easter Rabbit” when they mature; but I hear it has a great benefits package, so they will probably be better off than they would be in any human-form of employment, so really—it’s a win/win.
For some however, I understand if becoming a different species might not seem ideal. Parent-Teacher conferences for one, might be difficult—considering your last nine children are all human, and you’ll be left pooping pellets on the teacher’s desk. Your kids will find it hilarious, but the teacher might not be as amused, and it may negatively affect your human children’s coming grades. So, if you are determined to stay human yourself, then your next reasonable option for succeeding in welcoming to the world, that denarius little genetic copy of yourself—is to go into a place of religion. I don’t believe it matters which religion, because they all appear to have the same effect—people go in, and the next thing you know, they come out with a gaggle of kids trailing in their wake. There’s something about “God’s House” that promotes hyperactive fertility. Perhaps it’s the refracted light coming in through those stained glass windows—it somehow stimulates the human ovaries into producing an excess of eggs. Or maybe all the religious effigies of powerful males inspire a man’s sperm to be more devout in their work. Or, maybe it’s that all religion is secretly chocolate-based, and the baptisms involve being dunked like a Reeses peanut butter cup into a troth of delectable, satiny-brown, liquid-heaven. Honestly, I cannot be certain, because as I am sure you deduced by my having no children, I have not personally set foot into one of these religious establishments; but I am betting, if you’re human and you happen upon a house of God (or Allah, or Vishnu, or what have you), you’ll find yourself bearing that decemvirate tiny terror in no time.
Now, if that previous option didn’t appeal to you—perhaps refracted light makes you break out in hives, or seeing wooden pews lined up but slightly offset from one another, makes you uncontrollably dizzy like it does me, then you could turn your hopes downward. Go for the anti-religion. With this option, you must be careful however, because you’ll likely be dealing with demons—and you could end up giving birth to a baby goat or the Roman numeral: X.; so please, read the fine print carefully and exercise any satanic-dealings with the utmost caution. That being said though—another, valid option for impregnating yourself with that last, crowning child, is exchanging your soul for it. The powers that be in Hell usually fancy a good, ripe soul as often as they can, which gives you the upper hand (given that you have not used this method previously to obtain a lifetime of wealth or to have the chance to sleep with your high school crush … they were dreamy though, weren’t they?) You only got one soul to give, so make sure it counts. There is a very specific process to soul-selling however, so do not make the usual mistake and go sacrificing chickens in Lucifer’s name. He doesn’t care about chickens, and this will also upset Henose greatly; and then you and your children and your children’s children will all suffer a lifetime of runny eggs as a consequence.
In order to properly bargain your soul, you must find your nearest crossroads—but do make sure the roads are made of dirt, because you’ll need to be burying something at the very center point of the intersection. Attempting to bury something within a city’s crossroads will require a jackhammer and various zoning permits (the fines for illegal digging are astronomical). So, once you find a dirt crossroads, you will need to bury a tin box filled with graveyard soil, a photograph of yourself, a bone from a black cat, and finally—a yarrow. “What’s a yarrow?” you ask … I don’t know. I think he’s a Greek composer. Anyhow, once you bury the box, your demon will appear. Tell them that you want to become pregnant with a tenth child, and they will then imprint the contract invisibly onto your skin. Once imprinted, you’ll need to seal the deal with a kiss (so if your demon is hot—well then, your deal just got sweeter. If not … just pretend they’re that high school crush of yours); but a plain kiss will not do, you must first apply chocolate-flavored Lip Smackers (the kind that comes on a lanyard), or else your baby will actually end up in the demon. Then you’ll have to get into a custody battle for the child, which is never good. If you think custody courts on Earth are bad—you should see the ones in Hell. It’s just lawyers.
As with any agreement though, there will be stipulations to a demon deal—so once you have your baby, you’ll actually only get to raise them for the first decade of their life, because after that, Hell Hounds will find you and eat your face. So, in general, if you decide to make a demon deal, also make sure your eldest offspring is willing to take over the child rearing because you will not be around long enough to do it yourself … but hey, at least you got to ten!
And finally, if none of the aforementioned options appeal to you, then I have one, final suggestion—which may work if you are willing to forgo the whole “pregnancy” aspect of things. Have you ever heard of Solomon? No? Well, he was a great guy—a real thinker, solved a lot of problems for a lot of people. He lived over three thousand years ago, before the fruits of the cocoa tree were discovered and processed to become the baby-making, chocolaty delight that we insist upon today; so, you can imagine how difficult conception could be without that all important aid. Women not only had fewer babies, but some might not be able to have any at all, so they would resort to stealing the babies of others. Infant theft, or Baby-Burgle, as it was sometimes called, was such a common occurrence in Solomon’s time, that he set to the task of finding the ideal solution—and that, he did. Just chop the babies in half! This is a quick and efficient way to get two babies for the price of one. So, my advice to you is—find your most problematic child and just splice him or her in two (preferably with a laser—it’ll cauterize the skin instantly, sealing up both the old child and the new) and then, not only will he/she become another bouncing, bundle of your DNA, they’ll also only be half the problem that they previously were. This is also a great option for those of you who are only halfway to that grand “tenth child” mark. Just birth five kids, split them all down the middle and, vuala! You got ten children--- just like that! A disclaimer with this option however: invest in prosthetics.
In conclusion, any choice is bound to be fruitful if executed carefully. Don’t rely on any of those “wannabe” solutions, like storks. As we all know, the average human baby weighs much more now than they did back in the forties, so a stork’s neck is just no longer capable of carrying that kind of load; and if it tries, your little one may end up in the Atlantic, or Henose forbid—in the arms of a family who already has ten children and will just keep yours out of greed. Don’t trust storks, nor black-market fertility statues. Basically, anything with a beak … except for Henose, of course. Also, some may try to tell you that my previously detailed paths to decagonal-bliss are just as untrustworthy, and that there are actually easier ways to achieve a family of ten children. Ways like adoption, surrogacy, in vitro fertilization, and so on and so forth; but are any of those really as interesting? No. They are all fine ways, and I encourage you to seek out as many routes as possible in order to conceive; but please, also keep in mind the story that you wish to tell. Honestly, would you rather say: “I adopted my tenth child” or “I sold my soul to a demon and made an offering to the chicken god, Henose in order to have my tenth child”? One is obviously far more entertaining than the other.
Overall, any option you choose to bring a tenth life into this world will carry a lot of joy, but also a lot of responsibility. So please, just make sure that you are making the right choice for you, your family, and the overall world population; because really, there’s already a lot of us here. In addition: remember the chocolate. It makes your belly happy, and you know how the old saying goes: “A happy belly makes a happy belly baby house.”
Item #181: Let’s see a (SFW) 2,000 word essay published on twitter in 140 character bursts. (no attachments, etc.) about the best way to get pregnant for the 10th time. (I’m sorry, but I promised someone this would be an item.)
Read on Twitter
So you want to have another baby. Splendid! Most people stop after six or seven, but you my friend are not most people. Not content with enough kids to merely fill a baseball team, you're kicking it up a notch and having enough to use as pins in ten-pin bowling! (Note: actually throwing bowling balls at your children is frowned upon, and is illegal in many jurisdictions.)
Trying to conceive for a tenth time has many unique challenges that you may not have faced during your first nine pregnancies. But heed this friendly advice, and you'll be well on your way to welcoming a bouncing bundle of joy. Again.
First, a few considerations for before you start trying to become pregnant. Before you start your attempt for number ten, it's very important that you discontinue using birth control. While it's true that some people manage to conceive despite using birth control, it's an enormous hindrance in the vast number of cases.
Now is a good time to start taking a folic acid dietary supplement to help prevent neural tube defects in your future baby. This does not apply to all acids, however. Practice extreme caution in ingesting acids, and only consume the ones which are healthy dietary substances. Amino acids are recommended for daily consumption. Hydroxylic acid is highly beneficial and should be drank as necessary to remain hydrated. Hydrochloric acid and sulfuric acid, on the other hand, are extremely dangerous and should under no circumstances by consumed by anyone trying to become pregnant, or anyone trying to remain alive.
Be sure to choose an OBGYN you feel comfortable with, as this will become an important relationship through your pregnancy. You will see your OBGYN very often to ensure that you and your growing child are healthy.
Let's review some of the basics that apply to conceiving any pregnancy, not just the double-digits attempts. As with your previous pregnancies, this one will begin shortly after you and your partner do a little mattress mambo together. Your body will not spontaneously become pregnant without your partner's cooperation: a pregnancy always requires a contribution from both parents, whether it's the first or the fiftieth.
A few simple considerations can help your partner maximize his “contribution” (so to speak). First, he should be wearing boxer shorts instead of briefs. Sperm develop best at a temperature slightly lower than body temperature, which is why the testicles dangle slightly away from the rest of the body in the first place. Scrunching them right up next to the body, therefore, kind of defeats the purpose of this little evolutionary strategy. Similarly, he should avoid hot tubs, saunas, and other scenarios that would expose his little swimmers to unusually high levels of heat. Also, you may want your partner to temporarily change his diet if he happens to be in the habit of eating copious amounts of soy products, because the phytoestrogens in soy can interfere with sperm production. Assure him that he can go back to scarfing down tofu and edamame after you successfully conceive baby number ten. He doesn't need to avoid soy for the duration of the pregnancy, just for the process of initiating it.
When you're scheduling your evening (or morning, or midday) activities for the week, keep in mind that you don't need to do the deed every single day. Sperm can live for several days inside your reproductive tract, so getting it on every two or three days is sufficient. If you prefer more often then by all means have at it, but don't feel bad about going out to a movie instead from time to time.
Generally, the best time to conceive is at the midpoint between one menstrual period and the next, but cycles are not always regular so there is no guarantee at any point of the cycle. Women have even become pregnant from doing the nasty during their menstrual period! Some guides will say that the best day to conceive is fourteen days after the last menstrual period, but knowing your own body is more reliable than trying to follow one-size-fits-all “rules”.
Most women do not need to carefully track their ovulation in order to get pregnant, but if you're having difficulty or want the piece of mind, there are tests to tell you when you're ovulating. These tests use hormones in your urine (much like pregnancy tests) to determine when you're ovulating. Some women also track their basal body temperature, looking for a slight increase that indicates ovulation has occurred.
But what about couples who are using in-vitro fertilization? Well in that case, your embryo may well be ready and waiting for you already! In many cases, IVF produces more embryos than are ultimately used. So if you used IVF for your previous pregnancies, there's a good chance that you have extra embryos in cold storage, which just need to be thawed out and transferred into your uterus. If not though, or if this is your first time using IVF, you'll have to make more. This is decidedly less fun than making them the unassisted way, but the end result will be the same: your tenth adorable little munchkin.
So those are the ways in which conceiving your tenth pregnancy are the same as the previous nine. But what about how the double-digits differ? It's a little known fact that there are, in fact, a great many differences between the first nine pregnancies and the subsequent ones.
One aspect that becomes very important from the tenth pregnancy onward is position. No, none of that “man on top for a boy, woman on top for a girl” nonsense. That's purely an old wives' tale. The positions that aid in conception are decidedly more acrobatic in nature than what you may be used to. Try doing the deed while balancing on a high wire, or while swinging from a flying trapeze. The more adventurous among you may wish to incorporate other circus elements into your lovemaking routine. Get jiggy with it atop a trained elephant. Have a friend throw knives at you while you're in the act (assuming your friend is a highly trained knife-thrower, that is). If you want to get really freaky, invite several friends to join you inside a clown car. The atmosphere of childlike wonder that a circus instills will surely give you an edge in creating another child wonder of your very own.
Naturally, it can be difficult to get in the mood when you've spent all day chasing around your first nine kids. Wiping runny noses and washing jam-covered hands are hardly aphrodisiacs. After a long day of potty-training your toddler and a long evening of helping the grade-schoolers with their homework, it's understandable that you may not have much interest in doing the horizontal mambo. But fear not, for there are a plentitude of ways to spice things up in the bedroom! While your partner is tucking the last of the ankle-biters into bed, try browsing the internet for some erotic fanfiction starring your favorite fictional characters. No matter what fandoms you're into, there's guaranteed to be some nice filthy smut out there to get your engine revving. You can even take things further by cosplaying the characters and acting out your favorite scenes. Don't worry if you've never cosplayed before. It can be as simple as putting on a flannel shirt or a trench coat!
A word or caution, however, about food-based aphrodisiacs. While you may be tempted to serve nothing but oysters and asparagus, this is counter-indicated in efforts to have a tenth baby or beyond. Make no mistake, they are still as effective as ever. But that's exactly the problem: the last thing you need right now is to accidentally encourage your teenagers to hop into bed with their high school sweethearts. You're trying to make your tenth child, not your first grandchild! So reserve the sexy-making foods for date night, and keep them off of the dinner table the rest of the week.
Another aspect that is more important than it was for previous pregnancies is the location where you try to conceive. The bedroom may have served you well up until now, but it has reached the point of diminishing returns. Your reproductive tract is getting bored, frankly, and needs some variety to kick-start it back into action. This is the perfect time to add some excitement back into your love life. Take a romantic vacation to Venice and bribe a gondolier to let you make private use of his boat. Alternatively, go to Paris and bribe a night guard at the Louvre to let you do the deed under the watchful eye of the Venus de Milo. Or stay closer to home and get frisky in the ferris wheel while the kids ride the carousel below. For the hardcore adrenaline junkies out there, sneak into your local zoo after hours to knock boots in the tiger enclosure.
An additional element of the surrounding environment that can have an effect on your odds of conceiving is the soundtrack. It is said that listening to Mozart can enhance a baby's brain power, and the same goes for sperm. Classical music helps sperm to swim faster and in the right direction. You'd be shocked at how many sperm make a wrong turn after conventional intercourse, and end up in the spleen or left brachial plexus instead of finding their way to the fallopian tube where the egg is lurking, waiting to reel them in. Therefore, to maximize your chances of conception, consider hiring a string quartet to perform for twenty to thirty minutes after coitus. If it's out of your budget to hire a live string quartet to play Mozart, blasting “Rock Me Amadeus” by Falco on loop is an acceptable alternative.
Seeing any rabbits hop through your back yard is an auspicious sign, given their prodigious breeding rate. If they linger before moving along, feel free to ask them for advice in growing your own litter. Approach slowly, holding out offerings of carrots and alfalfa, and be extra careful to be respectful at all times. It's a little known fact that rabbits get their immense fertility by siphoning off bits of fertility from other animals, and if you upset the rabbit it may decide to punish you by stealing a heaping portion of yours. On the other hand, if your heart is pure and your offerings are worthy, the rabbit may bless you by sharing a portion of its own fertility instead.
If all else fails, don't be afraid to turn to witchcraft. Once relegated to the fringes, witchcraft is gaining more and more popularity these days. For best results, find a wizened old crone who lives in a hut on the edge of a swamp and ask her to make you an enchanted fertility amulet. Alternatively, she may offer you a mysterious blend of herbs to brew up a tea that has a putrid smell but, surprisingly, doesn't taste half bad. You can also cast your own spells, right from home, using common household items such as salt, a broomstick (traditional or Swiffer Wet Jet®), assorted herbs, and several dozen crystal obelisks. Instructions for using these ingredients can be found in a beginning spell book from any occult book store.
So now you know everything you could possibly need to know to be successful in your quest to bring yet another precious little goblin into the world. But as you well know, having done this nine times already, this is just the first step in a much longer journey. There's a name to pick out, a nursery to re-paint, diaper company stock to invest in, and so much more to do between now and the birth of the newest member of your family. So for now, before the kids come home from school and the daily cacophony begins again, take a moment to relax. Have one last glass of wine before you have to swear off it for another nine months. Then take a deep breath, and get procreating!
#181 (IMAGE) THIS ITEM MUST BE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA PRIOR TO THE END OF THE HUNT! Let’s see a (SFW) 2,000 word essay published on twitter in 140 character bursts. (no attachments, etc.) about the best way to get pregnant for the 10th time. (I’m sorry, but I promised someone this would be an item.) Submit an image of the first post and then a link to this post in the COMMENT field of the submit page so we can check to make sure you “published” the whole thing. 87 points
(Up to 45 seconds) Interview the oldest person you can (must be at least 90), over a meal and get them to tell you a fond memory related to food from their early childhood.
181. [IMAGE OR VIDEO] KIDS MENU. Sure, being your pet is a rewarding vocation, but did your pet always want to be a “pet” when it grew up? We bet it had other career goals. Show us your pet doing the job it always dreamed it would have when it was little.
