it had been awhile since the last time he had truly indulged himself. the watch on his wrist reads into the early hours of dawn, clearly past his curfew and luckily, his roommate was out of town for the weekend giving the place all to himself. the table where his feet rest, littered with opened bottles of alcohol, oh how disappointed his parents would be to have seen him like this. perhaps, it would have been a vision that his parents knew he would eventually fall back into, a substitute for whatever he had done in the past. a past, that they had so desperately wanted to erase, but here their son was, mocking and ridiculing the tsai name.
phone in hand as he hazily scrolls through his feed, his eyes catching a glimpse of a post from the cheer team, and he is suddenly spiralling down an abyss that causes a lodge in his throat. he feels his own sanity slipping away, like that one time he had decided that he was no good for anyone. like that time, he had self sabotaged all of his efforts to seclude himself because he had anticipated that no one wanted to be with him because of who he was, is. he blinks a couple of times before his vision clears up a little, oh what a mistake. he should’ve just put his phone down and gone back to his old habits, maybe then, life would have been easier on him.
his grip on his phone tightens. he had a lot on his chest, limbs that felt heavy from the weight of suppressing everything, and suddenly he had a reason to vent. a catalyst that brought him back to a time when he felt happier, when he didn’t have to hide as much, when he had her around, but maybe this was just the liquid talking and he becomes blinded for a moment. a moment that ultimately brought him out of his comfort zone, he swallows his pride, his entire line of dignity and scrolls through his contacts to find her name.
ahh... fetishising pain and suffering.
he debates for a moment, shaking his head in attempts to rid of the haze that clouded his frontal judgement and he pushes through. the ringing tone plays, and he mutters under his breath, ❝ fuck. ❞. even in the current drunken state that he is, his mind would not let him completely be oblivious to all the mistakes he was about to commit, his mind was a dark place, holding him accountable for the numerous sins he had committed. it wasn’t something he was proud of, and perhaps because of that he had blamed it on his bad habits. the ringing tone stops, ❝ hello? it’s shin. i... uh — ❞ his words are starting to slur, ❝ just... just don’t say anything, just let me talk — d...do you hate me? i know i wasn’t the best fucking boy friend in the world, but i really tried. ❞ he lets out a disgruntled sigh, his head throbbing at this point, ❝ i — was scared okay? i felt... i felt like i depended on you too much, it scared me. anyway... fuck me right? i’m the worst... fuck... ❞ he lets out a chuckle, ❝ lily... i — ❞
he never swore, not after his rehab program he was forced into by his parents, anyway. the alcohol was really doing a number on him and he was scared of the consequences after sobering up. ❝ never mind, forget i said anything. my head hurts. ❞
