Jul 10
He likes to show me some gloomy weather hahaha
seen from China
seen from Jordan
seen from United States
seen from Australia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from Honduras
seen from United States
seen from Australia
He likes to show me some gloomy weather hahaha
Sajjad :)
My crush’s face card is givingggggg
The Shadow
Actually, this is the second time I actually sat with my feelings and just go through the whole stages of grief/breakup.
I know that Zain and I broke up in May and I think it was probably for the best. I don't wish to be kept in a cage, controlled in what I wear, whom I speak with, where I go. I don't like that he goes psycho on me when I don't pick up the call right away or if I don't reply right away. I mean, who does that? Anyway, the first two weeks were hard. The third and fourth weeks of no contact were even harder. But hey, healing is not linear. Sometimes you're okay, and sometimes you're just on your phone crying about everything. You know, whenever he posts things on Whatsapp, I don't click. I don't watch. Well, scratch that. I actually do watch them but I don't allow myself to appear in the viewers list. You know, when he flew back to Pakistan just last week on May 26, he posted a mirror photo of himself with our couple ring still on his finger. And today, I saw on Instagram (don't worry, he still can't see that I viewed it) that he posted a new photo of himself and the ring was gone. It was the final nail in the coffin. I felt that I have to move on. Actually, I should have moved on last week, when he didn't greet me Eid Mubarak. That was the most heartbreaking thing ever for me. I mean, he didn't need to say hello. We didn't need to talk. I waited for the greeting you know. I know it's probably a question-- why didn't I greet him myself? Well, he was the one who walked away. He was the one who said that he didn't wanna be with me because he wanted to "protect" me from himself-- because he was always jealous, always getting mad at me for small things like not replying fast or answering calls right away. That was the reason. So, I waited for it... but it never came. Well, I guess the shadow won. I saw a post today that read: Sometimes the biggest blessing is the one that walks away. Let's be real, his absence is giving protection, not loss. God really said, "You're too valuable for this nonsense," and snatched me up out of it. It didn't work out because your future needed better. If he would've stayed, you would have kept shrinking. I would have kept shrinking. I would have lost myself completely to a life neither of us wanted to live. I would have resented that life.
I got this cake for Zain for his birthday but I did not celebrate it with him. It’s better this way.
April 25, 2026
After 8 days of no contact, Zain sent me a message just talking about the money he owed me. I told my therapist about this and she said that it was Zain’s way of trying to manipulate me again to want to talk to him and that I should just reply briefly and not say anything anymore. Which I did.
I have to admit that seeing his name pop up on my phone gave me a jolt, a dopamine boost. But it is what it is. He already said i am not his type and I understood that ad him not wanting me in his life because I am someone he doesn’t want.
So, I spoke with my Pakistani therapist today and she told me a lot of things that made sense today. She said that Zain is a conservative but very insecure man. She said that somehow he feels inferior to me and so he wants to lower me so he can feel superior. In a sense, she explained that Zain is married and is tied to one person, he has a lot of cultural responsibilities, and I have a lot of options-- I am single, I have my own money, my own properties-- I basically don't depend on anyone. And he wants to control and isolate me from anyone so I will be dependent on him and lose my identity-- the identity that makes me who I am. She said that Zain wanted to damage and break my market value in my own eyes... that he wants to make me feel that my personality or western thinking is bad and i'll stay quiet and dependent on him, because he knows that if I realize how much more I bring to the table, I’ll leave. I think it all makes sense now. Isolation is the weapon of an insecure man. If he keeps me from talking to people, he keeps me from hearing the truth: that I am a catch and that his behavior is not normal. I am too big for the box he's trying to put me in. I think I was in love with the idea of him and his potential. And i looked away at the reality of what he really is. I think that I owe myself an apology. I told myself today that unless he changes, I will never look back. It's never too late for me to be happy. I can be happy with somebody else. Good luck to his wife. And i hope he pays me what he owed me.