“I’m just really tired,” Soraya admitted, her voice cracking on the last word as she aggressively wiped her eyes, happy that they were on the phone and not face to face. “I know leaving was dramatic and I never like causing a scene but I just couldn’t be there anymore; I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this low,” she said. She felt like she’d been explaining herself one hundred times over to people and nobody got it. “-Getting married the way I did was a mistake, clearly something I’ve done with my music was a mistake because it constantly gets criticised and compared to others, nothing’s gone to plan and you can’t just fix these things. I’m tired of people brushing it off and saying I can redo them - I don’t want to, I just wish they never happened so I could get it right.”
I. thinkin’ bout one - 08/02/2021
II. u shaped space - 09/02/2021
III. the middle - 10/02/2021
IV. taxi - 11/02/2021
V. unforgettable - 12/02/2021
VI. terrified - 13/02/2021
VII. must be love - 14/02/2021
VIII. eyes on you - 15/02/2021
IX. be right here - 16/02/2021
X. cleopatra - 17/02/2021
XI.only told the moon - 18/02/2021
Official Release Date: 18/02/2021
{If you’re reading this, you’re invited to hear the parts i didn’t plan to tell you. this album won’t be released to the general public, nor will it be sent to radio or go to the charts. you don’t have to pay for anything, there’s no merch to sell you. all you have to do is follow along and listen...}
This is my third time trying to write this. The words won’t materialise and sentences just fall apart quicker than I can put them together; that’s the story of my life at the moment.
I have nobody to talk to.
And, I don’t want to speak to any of them because they won’t understand. Even if they pretend to (That’s only Poppy, bless her heart) I still see the concern that my words tattoo on to her face every time his name leaves my lips.
They’ll al deny it a million times over but my friendship is like a parasite, which is why I’ve distanced myself from every single one of them. I’m there, with my arms wrapped tight around them, almost like an extra limb, but every time I speak, I drain a little more life from the conversation. A little more fun from the party. A little more tolerance from understanding eyes.
Even 13 lines in, I’m struggling to put his name to paper. Three years ago, it made it’s home in my heart and I thought I’d erased it. I’d always assumed that maybe he’d punched it out of me, or it gently left with the winter I told Julian I’d marry him.
It turns out it’s just spent the year residing in my throat, feasting and growing itself on all of the words I’ve forced myself to not say to him:
“I forgive you.”
“I miss you.”
“I hope you’re doing ok.”
“Can we talk?”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“The highlight of my year was hearing you hadn’t been successful when you tried to..do that.”
Let’s keep in mind that I got married this year.
Yes, married.
No wedding or fairytale dress, my Dad didn’t walk me down the aisle. Just me, Julian and a spur of the moment decision. I regretted it instantly. Not marrying Julian - that’s an entry all of it’s own - but not waiting for the fairytale that I’ve been planning since I was three years old and watched Ariel sail off under the rainbow with Prince Eric.
And, going behind my Dad’s back.
And letting Kendall use the song I wrote specifically for him to dance with her Dad to.
And, letting Dallas lay in a hospital bed while I celebrated my engagement.
2020 has been the year of “Soraya finally gets her happy ending” but the bricks are made of guilt. Stuck together with the sticky situation that was my last relationship, or the messy fact that I can’t bring myself to fully agree with Hensley or Julian when they speak badly about him.
Now after all of this, I still can’t tell you what I’m feeling. Every inch of me physically aches when I hear his voice, or see him smile from the other side of the room. I feel like an animal that’s been held in captivity, trying to unlearn all of his tricks.
My mind has to force my feet not to wander in his direction when he enters a room.
The same way maintaining eye contact has stopped me from flinching every time somebody raises their hand as if it’s his.
The same way my own hand has forced me to write all of this, instead of summarise what I’m still trying to say in three simple words.
“You know, I never realised you were a morning person...” Soraya whispered as she tip-toed on to the porch of the cabin. The sun had barely come up and the last thing she wanted to do was frighten the other person. “...That’s probably because I’m not a legitimate morning person...unless it’s Christmas Day...or my birthday...so I guess I wouldn’t know until today.”
She placed a mug of hot chocolate littered with marshmallows and cream on to the wooden table in front of them and settled into the free chair, her blanket hanging from her shoulders. “I’m not a coffee or tea person...I hope that’s ok.” It was only after she spent thirty seconds fiddling and another thirty enthusiastically blowing over her mug that she realised this had been a completely one-sided conversation. “Are you okay? Why’re you awake, then?”
