#ive probably watched ap like... 6 times..

[1o1percentmilk]

ouuuuweeee i wanna draw more pat bateman

[saucy-mesothelioma]

October 20th: Rick Baker | An American Werewolf in London

An American Werewolf in London was released in 1981 and was directed by John Landis. When two American college students David Kessler (David Naughton) and Jack Goodman (Griffin Dunne) fail to heed the warnings the townsfolk give them, it ends up with Jack dead and David severely injured by the strange wolf-like creature that attacked them. And in the aftermath while being taken care of by Nurse Alex (Jenny Agutter), David is having strange nightmares and seeing the spirit of his dead friend. But these visions seem to be the least of David’s problems, as he begins to turn into the very same creature that caused this in the first place.

Although he’s now retired, Rick Baker is a fantastic makeup and SFX artist who’s no stranger to the horror genre. He's worked on just about everything from films such as Videodrome, The Exorcist, The Ring, The Haunted Mansion, and The Wolfman to films beyond horror such as the Men In Black trilogy, Planet of the Apes, Hellboy, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Batman Forever, and even some work in Star Wars IV and V. His monster creations are nothing short of extraordinary, and none such example could be clearer than An American Werewolf in London, for which he (rightfully) won the first ever Oscar for make-up.

It can be watched for free on Fandango at Home and Amazon Prime Video.

Content Warnings for the Film (may contain spoilers): violence, gore, sexual content, nudity, body horror, animal death, use of the f-slur, mentioned suicide (never carried out)

This movie has some of the greatest practical effects in horror cinema history, right up there with The Thing, Alien, and so many others, and is probably Rick Baker’s most influential effects work to date. But before we get to that absolutely mesmerizing transformation scene, I wanted to highlight the wonderful makeup work that went into Jack’s various stages of decomposition. Griffin Dunne had to have his body cast multiple times months before production for the film even began and they often took 6-7 hours to apply. All of Jack’s decomp was done with painstaking makeup and prosthetics except for his final appearance, which was an animatronic. Now with that out of the way, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: David’s transformation. This is genuinely one of the most memorable and famous practical effects shots in horror history and I will die on that hill, shit is nothing short of legendary. This transformation is actually why Rick Baker wanted to do the movie in the first place, and he dropped working on The Howling just to do it, instead leaving it to his protege Rob Bottin who later became the lead SFX artist for The Thing. Like with Dunne, David Naughton had to go through hours of body casting long before production took place, and he underwent roughly 5 hours of makeup for an entire week because of how extensive the transformation scene was. Baker studied the anatomical differences between dogs and humans to create realistic midway points for the transformation via the distortion of limbs and features. Urethane elastomer was the primary building block for most of the parts because traditional foam latex wouldn’t nearly have enough stretch required. It took five different people to operate the wolf puppet’s face using levers for the mouth and nose and syringes full of air for the cheeks and brows; the hair growth was achieved by pulling the hair through the rubber skin, then playing that footage in reverse. And through all of this, David had to sit in a hole in the floor of the set for hours on end like a goddamn trooper. This scene which only lasts around three minutes took months of preparation and filming, and the result is truly an absolute masterpiece and stand out piece of SFX work. Just fucking watch the scene, or better yet watch the whole movie. I promise you that transformation is more than worth it. Also just a very quick appreciation for the sound design of this film: the werewolf howl was created by playing many different layered noises backwards including a lion, a panther, a wolf, and even a train. Also the Muppet master himself goddamn Frank Oz is in this movie, being a personal friend of director John Landis and appearing in several of his other movies like my beloved Blues Brothers, Trading Places, and Spies Like Us.

[bellamyblakru]

6, 9, 17 ily💖

omg ilyy more🥺💖💖💖i apologize in advance how long and surprising sappy i got?? thank you for letting me rant at you. this has been a highlight of my day🥺❤️

long answer asks, care to help me procrastinate?

6. Describe one of your favorite people.

omg only one?? hmm okay. so this person (my momma) is one of the absolute best human beings in the entire fucking world. she is my rock, my person. she is the light in my dark, dragging me above the water when im drowning, since the minute i was born. okay i may be crying writing this (can we blame the late time and how long ive been awake?) but she is just so so important to me and to who i am as a person. so, ill put this in perspective. in 2015, my nephew (who is my best friend in the entire world and i would die for him without hesitation) was born, and my older sister (his mother) lived with us for the first six months of his life. and by “us” i mean, me, my other sister, my brother, and my parents (that makes a total of 7 people in this house). and these six months was probably the one of the best times of my life since my nephew came into the world bringing my eldest sister and i closer (because our seven year age difference, we were never that close beforehand), my family was all home and safe and happy—but, most importantly, we were all together and nothing else really matters as long as my family is by my side. however, after six months, my eldest sister and nephew moved out, my other older sister went to college, my older brother went into the navy, and a few weeks later, my dad had to go to virginia without us to get my residency for in-state college there. so, that left my mom and i. my mom and i were always close, but something about facing everyone leaving at once together just clicked something and she became my best friend. my mom, before this, was always my number one supporter, she constantly help me with my battles facing my severe social anxiety in school, and she raised me to be strong, happy, and loving. my mom and i spent about two years alone in this house that i grew up in since i was five years old, and that solidified our relationship. she is my favorite human being. we have so many similar traits and mannerisms, and my sister even says at this point we sound the same LOL. i just love her so fucking much and i literally would not be here today without her in my life.

9. Talk about your favourite historical period

okay now im crying over answer 6 fluffy LOL i would say i have a few favorite history periods because i am a ✨nerd✨and i like shit like this😂 so, because of outlander, i have to say right now that early 1700s is pretty fab simply because of the dresses that ive been watching claire wear😩👌🏻gorgeous man. when learning history in school, i would alwayss take a side, right? so, for example, in the early 1800s when America is building the shitty foundation we have now, you had two sides: Hamilton versus Thomas Jefferson (i call him TJ because my ap american teacher did amskaak). now, hamilton was my dude and i picked his side (federalist papers, starting america’s banks, siding with the english, stopping slavery blahblah all that jazz) and i thought tj was annoying 😂 like this is how i remember so much when i take these types of classes LOL i just put myself there and think “if i was forced to, who would i side with?” and bam, you remember who tf is who and when. LIKE LMFAO OKAY so in 1835, Andrew Jackson was president, and america called him “king jackson” because of the fucking horrendous way he dictated everything (he also was horrible because of the trail of tears but that’s another story) BUT i remember him so clearly because he was so fucking petty that it, honest to god, made me laugh my ass off when i was reading. this white dude was from the south, like everyone else who was in charge back then, was so fucking pissed that the southern states were thinking about splitting off from the US that he took back a bill that helped them (even though that he was all pro-helping out where he was born and originally wanted this bill for them bc ‘pride’ shit) just out of spite for them even thinking about seceding (they were angry over some tax shit like always). he also threatened them with military force if they kept it up and idk,,, that always tickled me because he was such an petty asshole lmfaooo

17. Whats your favourite city and why?

i haven’t been to too many cities tbh!! i did go to new orleans once but i had my period, had a panic attack, and it smelled like piss🤔 LOL i will say that Norfolk (VA) is very pretty and near the water and i really enjoy it there🥺 this answer is so short compared to the other two omg im so sorry lksoakaka

[irrelevantlyvalid]

i was tagged by the amazing @princess-of-france (thank you so much!!!)

1 - nicknames?

oh god here we go - t, tessie, t-bone, tessica, nikola tesla, and ted off the top of my head

2 - zodiac sign?

sagittarius (though i dont identify with like at ALL)

3 - height?

a riveting five feet and two inches

4 - hogwarts house?

don’t do this to me. but probably gryffindor

5 - last thing i googled?

“seinfled pez dispenser”

6 - song stuck in my head?

downbound train by bruce springsteen

7 - amount of sleep i’m getting?

varies a lot, but currently ~4 hrs a night

8 - lucky numbers?

4

9 - dream job?

professor of english literature (mostly shakespeare) and head of the english department at some ridiculously prestigious college

10 - wearing?

light blue tee with my sister’s athletic shorts (pjs)

11 - instruments?

piano, harp, and clarinet. also currently learning the harmonica :)

12 - random facts?

i had to have a straw surgically placed in my face when i was younger because i cried goop instead of tears. i’ve never watched high school musical. i’ve had to have an IV four times. i got a 5 on an ap exam where i wrote my essay about hating kenneth branagh.

13 - aesthetic?

queer-coded male english professor in a blacj and white movie.

14 - favorite tree?

pine.

15 - favourite flavor of crisp?

sea salt :)

16 - crosswords or sudoku?

both. seriously. i do both of these all the time.

17 - which book would you recommend everyone read?

days without end by sebastian barry

and i’ll just tag @peggythegoodnoodle and @broimbi and @matewhatwasimeanttodo but no pressure :)

[t0ngue-tech]

Deadline | Three

“Without saying a single word, you emerged turned around and reached out to wrap your arms around Jungkook’s torso. He stumbled a bit before finding his footing. You knew you caught him off guard because it took him a few seconds before he snaked his arms underneath your hair to secure them around your neck.

‘U-Uh--’ Jungkook stammered.”

↠fluff, angst, highschoolAU, fakerelationshipAU↞

word count: 7.4k

↠series: 1 | 2 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ↞ 

A/N: HI GUISE OMG IT’S BEEN SO LONG HASNT IT, BUT HERE I AM!!!! ive honestly been working on this since finals and even when finals finished, i hit a writer’s block. then, all of a sudden i was hit with a rush of motivation and this is the outcome huhu. i hope you all enjoy!!!!

-

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-

The clock ticked endlessly on and on as the students of your history class were in disarray. Usually everybody would be working with their partners on the history project, but a substitute teacher sat at your teacher’s desk instead; this meant a free period.

Jennie sat with you, huddled in a corner of the classroom catching up on other work for another class. You assisted her with whatever she needed while also proofreading a paper from your AP English class.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sit by Jungkook?” Jennie whispered.

Your eyes darted across the room and spotted Jungkook with his head down on the desk, buried within his arms.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” You brought your attention back to your paper.

“You do know that two of Chaeyoung’s goons are in this class, right? They’re probably going to tell every single detail about you and Jungkook that happens here.” Jennie leaned in closer to keep her voice at a hushed whisper.

Jennie did have a point, but despite that, you stayed planted in your seat. You were used to having Chaeyoung’s friends’ eyes glancing at you from time to time in class but ever since the night in the diner parking lot, they’ve been watching you like a hawk. It was a bit concerning.

The substitute reminded everyone that the sign-in sheet was at the front of the class and to straighten out the desk before leaving. Before the bell rang, Jungkook awoke from the sound of the desks scraping against the tile floors. He stretched out his limbs and lazily threw his backpack over his shoulder.

As soon as the bell rang, the students stampeded towards the door and Jennie bid you adieu. Jungkook glided across the class to where you were, still putting papers in their correct folders. He held your water bottle and phone in one hand, patiently waiting for you to get situated. When you finished adjusting your bag on your bag, he silently reached for your hand and slid his fingers in between yours. It’s been roughly two weeks and you still weren’t used to the feeling of holding his hand.

“I’ve never seen you look this tired.” You spoke over the rush of students in the hallway.

Jungkook yawned deeply and shook his head to wake himself up a little. “I’ve had three consecutive late night training and it’s been a while since I’ve done this.”

“Do you have a fight coming up?”

“Next month, but I need to make weight and train as much as I can so I have a lot of work to do.” He explained.

“Hm,” you hummed. “I guess this means you have to cut back on the fries.”

Jungkook dropped his jaw slightly. “Oh my god, you’re right.”

Since the two of you started this fake relationship, Jungkook always walked you to your fourth period. He didn’t mind being a few minutes late to his class because his teacher was “cool.” It worried you a little, but he stressed that it was really no big deal.

“Do you have a meeting after school?” Jungkook stationed you against the wall near your classroom to let other students pass through.

“I just have to drop off a few folders to the club classroom and then I have to pick up a package for my mom at the post office right after.” You reached for the items Jungkook held for you and he gave them back to you with ease.

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow then. I’m gonna head straight home after school to sleep before my practice tonight.” Jungkook sighed as he enveloped you into a tight hug. The hug lasted roughly a minute and just before he let go, it felt as if he placed a soft kiss to the top of your head; unless that was his chin bumping against you because of how tall he was compared to you.

You were used to seeing Jungkook with an abundance of energy and seeing how physically exhausted he was now worried you a lot more than it should have. Instead of focusing like how you usually did, you spent the entire class period looking up different kinds of foods that boxers could eat while trying to make weight. A lot of the information you found were similar lists of light proteins and reminders to watch the sugar and fat intake.

A lightbulb went off somewhere inside of your head and you were now creating a small shopping list in the notes section of your phone. This wasn’t your problem, but somehow you felt compelled to support him. Maybe it was the title of being his “girlfriend,” who knows.

↠↞

You [3:04]: hi mom, i just picked up your package and i’m heading to the grocery store. let me know asap if you need anything

When you arrive at the grocery store parking lot, your mother replied with a short list of a dozen eggs, cherry tomatoes, and a bag of salt and vinegar chips.

“Ground turkey...ground turkey...ground turk-ah.” You dropped the package of lean meat into your shopping cart.

You never tried cooking any of the dishes you had bookmarked on your phone, so your nerves were shaking inside of you. There was a lot more options that weren’t as complicated, but of course, you didn’t want to settle with that.

It never occurred to you that there was a possibility you could poison Jungkook just before his boxing match. This thought made you want to put everything back on the shelves, but you also thought about how tired Jungkook looked today and it gave you some strength to follow through with your plan.

“Ooooh, mama y/n. Making dishes for your man.”

On your way home, Jennie called you to talk for a bit before she took her sister to her dance lesson. You filled her in with your plan to make a few meals for Jungkook so he can keep his energy up and Jennie was elated.

“Jennie, calm down. He’s not my man. I’m just trying to better a good...person? For him?” You pulled up to your driveway and disconnected your phone from your car. “Am I taking this role too seriously?”

“Sigh, y/n. You’re doing exactly what you need to do.” Jennie explained in your ear. “This is going to help you feel more like a girlfriend-girlfriend for him! I’ve seen you hang out with him at school and I can tell you’re still awkward with this whole thing.”

You shuffled into your house with your bags of groceries dangling from your arms and your phone tucked in between your shoulder and ear. “I’m still trying to get used to him, okay? You still have a point, but I might kill him.”

Jennie laughed in your ear and sighed. “That’s okay!”

Your mother waved at your from the kitchen counter and rushed over to help you with your bags.

“I’ll let you know how it goes, bye! Love you!” Just like that, you hung up before Jennie could say anything else.

You remembered that you didn’t tell your mother about Jungkook and you weren’t ready to confront her about him yet.

“How was school, y/n?” Your mother glided over to help you unload your bags.

“It was fine—it’s okay mom, I got this, you can continue with whatever you were doing.” There was a tinge of panic in your voice which didn’t sound as convincing as you wanted it to be.

Your mother lifted an eyebrow and reached in to grab her bag of chips. “Okay, honey. Just uh, don’t forget to put the eggs in the fridge.”

It took a few minutes for your mother to leave the kitchen because she rummaged through the fridge to retrieve a bottle of iced tea to have with her chips. She sat down at the dining table where her laptop was set up as well as a stack of papers.

You silently moved around the kitchen to put certain foods inside of the fridge and laid out a cutting board and other cooking utensils. The first order of business was to wash the lettuce and other vegetables you were going to use.

“Let’s see, lettuce wraps…” After rinsing the vegetables, you tied an apron around your waist. “Season the ground turkey with salt…” You whispered the instructions to yourself and carefully measured the spices and dropped them into the bowl with the ground turkey. It was such a delicate process and you wanted to get everything right on the first try because besides preparing him a few meals, you wanted to surprise him during his training tonight.

To an extent, you knew your way around the kitchen. You could easily whip a meal for yourself that could be done with minimum ingredients, but you weren’t skilled enough to create detailed meals meant for others to eat. This was one of those cases.

You were tempted to ask your mother for assistance because she cooked more often than you did. It wouldn’t hurt to do so, plus you could easily say that the food was for yourself.

“Mom…?” You called out quietly.

Your mother hummed and typed away at her keyboard.

“I may or may not need help.”

She stood up from her chair to take a glance at whatever you were doing. All of your ingredients were sprawled out all over the island in the kitchen. Everything was in disarray and your mother chuckled at the chaos.

“And what in the world are you making?” Your mother closed her laptop and strolled over to the mess of vegetables and packages of meat.

“I—uh, I’m making a whole bunch of shi—“ you stopped yourself from completing your sentence. “Stuff. A whole bunch of stuff.”

You barely started the cooking process and you already felt defeated. It was in your nature to figure things out and handle things on your own, but this was cooking for another party so you needed all the help the universe could give you.

“Okay, well, what exactly are you making y/n?” Your mother asked while tying on her own apron.

“Ground turkey lettuce wraps, roasted vegetables, sweet potato fries, and some sort of protein bowl with these chicken tenders, and a lot more stuff.” As you listed your menu, your mother stared at you suspiciously. “What?”

“Nothing, I just—I didn’t know you had such a healthy diet that’s all.”

There were two reasons why you felt yourself sweating: 1) prepping ingredients was tough work and 2) you hated lying to your mother.

“Yeah, I just wanted to try something new, you know? Gotta stay in shape somehow someway.” You let out a nervous chuckle and your mother stared at you, unconvinced.

It took a few seconds before your mother scaled the island to stand next to you. She eyed out the mess in front of you and sighed.

“You know, y/n,” she began and you swallowed the lump in your throat. “When your father was still alive, I used to prepare a lot of meals for him just like this because he always left for work before the sun came up.”

You knew exactly what your mother was trying to tell you and yet you still hesitated.

“I may be going out on a limb here, but is this for that boy who dropped you off back home a few days ago?”

Right on the money.

It only took a matter of seconds plus the piercing gaze coming from your mother to crumble and nod your head. You had no problem in confining in your mother with absolutely anything, but this was painful for you to do. Despite what you told Jungkook, the reason why you didn’t tell your mother about your “relationship” is because it was only temporary. She had just witnessed you sulk throughout the entire summer and you didn’t want to burden her a second time by telling her that you and Jungkook “broke up.” Keeping the relationship a secret would have been hard work but you had to do what you had to do.

“You saw him?” You asked quietly.

She nodded her head and pulled out an extra cutting board from one of the compartments in the island. “I was repotting some of my flowers at the side of the house and when I got up to stretch, I saw you two through the gate; he opened the door of his car for you.”

For the record, you and Jennie both bet that your mother was going to say something within the first week.

“Uh, y-yeah. His name is Jungkook.” The smile that appeared on your face happened on an impulse.

You proceeded to tell your mother the forged story Jungkook came up with and also mentioned that you known him since elementary and that he was your partner for a history project.

“Wait, is this the same Jungkook who put the gum in your hair?” Your mother exclaimed with a laugh.

“That’s—That’s the one.” The bitter memory of having to cut your hair just below your shoulders flashed in your head. You also remembered the moment when Jungkook’s mother showed up the next day to pick him up from school and made him apologize again. She also gave you a ziploc of powdered brownies because of how terrible she felt.

“Wow, what a small world, huh?” Your mother smiled fondly at you. “Y/n, you know that I don’t want you hiding this kind of thing from me. You can trust me.”

It truly broke your heart hearing her words. If it was already difficult admitting the relationship, you knew you were going to suffer when the deadline would occur.

“I know, mom. I’m sorry.” You replied sadly.

She patted your back and grinned. “Don’t be sorry, honey. Now let’s get this chaos in order because first and foremost, you should always prep all of your ingredients first.”

Cooking took a lot longer than you expected because of your lack of skills. It was a trainwreck, but your mother managed to assist you in making a few days worth of meal prep for Jungkook. Even though you burnt your fingers on the pans from roasting the vegetables in the oven, you were satisfied with the outcome.

“Hopefully Jungkook isn’t going to die.” You sighed.

Your mother pulled out a reusable bag from the cupboard and neatly stacked the tupperwares inside.

“He’s going to be fine, y/n. I taste tested your food and it tastes fine. Just be sure to tell Jungkook that I’m going to be needing my tupperware back.” She instructed.

You nodded and mentioned that you were going to use her car because your keys were in your room which was “too far” for you.

As you boarded the driver side of her car, you sighed deeply thinking about if this was too much of a gesture. Giving someone food is one thing but making a home cooked meal was another.

“It’s fine, y/n. It’s fine. It’s just food, it’s not like your kissing him or something—okay wait, no. Just shut up and drive.” You muttered to yourself and started the engine.

↠↞

The gym that Jungkook trained at was about a fifteen to twenty minute drive from your house which meant it was most likely closer to his house. It was no secret where Jungkook trained, plus you had him on almost all of your social media platforms so you saw parts of what the gym looked like.

When you pulled into the parking lot, you spotted Jungkook’s car easily because of how bare the lot was at that time of night. You had time to abort your mission, but you found yourself stepping out of your vehicle and grabbing the bag from the passenger seat.

Entering the gym, there was a strong stench of overused body spray mixed with the tiniest tinge of sweat. There were a few people still using the exercise equipment and a few boys and girls working with a trainer. You took a couple of more steps inside and you easily spotted Jungkook sparring with his coach in the boxing ring towards the left wing of the gym. You approached the surrounding area cautiously, not wanting to distract Jungkook from his training.

You watched Jungkook take forceful jabs to the sparring equipment that his coach was holding. The sound of his boxing gloves hitting his coach’s punching mitts was intense, almost making you flinch with each punch. With the headgear blocking majority of his face, it was still clear it was Jungkook because of his strawberry blond hair.

From where you were standing, you could hear his coach tell him to take a break for a bit. He helped Jungkook remove his mouth guard and boxing gloves. Jungkook took off his headgear and ran a hand through his sweaty hair. He quickly glanced in your direction and took a double take just as quick. Jungkook climbed out of the ring and you met him half way as he wiped down his body with a towel.

“Hey, uh, this is a nice surprise.” Jungkook chuckled.

“Hi.” You said blankly. You didn’t realize you were spacing out until Jungkook waved his hand in front of your face. “I come bearing gifts.”

Before handing him the bag, Jungkook offered you a seat at a bench nearby. He sat down a couple of inches away from you, apologizing that he probably smells disgusting and is drenched with sweat.

“I couldn’t shake the thought of you being exhausted all day and you also mentioned that you had to make weight. So I took the liberty to meal prep you some food.” You explained and handed him the bag.

Jungkook smiled at you with a shocked expression and peered inside of the bag. He rummaged through the tupperware that were labeled with post its.

“Y/n, I--I don’t know what to say, thank you so much.” He couldn’t erase the smile from his lips and opened up the tupperware that contained a thick turkey wrap that was cut into two. There was also a batch of roasted sweet potatoes, parsnip, and red bell peppers stuffed inside. “Did you eat dinner yet?”

Well shit. You were so focused on cooking for Jungkook that you haven’t even eaten anything since that afternoon.

“N-No, I haven’t.”

“Great! No, not great but, wanna stay for about ten more minutes? I’m gonna do one more session and I want to share this with you.” Jungkook closed up the tupperware and stood up.

You were worried that Jungkook felt hesitant about eating the food you made yourself; with the help of your mother of course. But he looked extremely excited about asking you to eat with him that saying no didn’t seem like an option.

“Yeah, I’ll stay.” You answered sweetly.

“Okay, just sit tight.” He spoke, practically skipping all the way back to the boxing ring.

Before getting started, Jungkook and his coach exchanged a few words and peeked over Jungkook’s shoulder to wave at you. It was most likely he introduced you as his girlfriend; it was still a weird title to have under your belt.

It was exhilarating watching Jungkook in the ring. You didn’t mean to stare, but you found yourself gawking at his biceps that were glistening under the fluorescent lights. You remembered Jungkook being scrawny back in middle school and freshman year. Then all of sudden, he grew taller, gained muscles, and gained the habit of dying his hair often. Honestly, he had always been adorable but you never saw Jungkook in that way, ever. It was difficult to admit, but he looked attractive in his element.

That was it though. Just attractive.

The ten minutes flew by in a blink of an eye. He politely asked you to wait for another five minutes because he wanted to wash up before sitting in close proximity with you for the second time. Just like those ten minutes, the five minutes passed just as quickly. Jungkook came out from another room, waddling with his drenched hair bouncing everywhere and his duffle bag swinging from his side. He gestured you over to exit the gym which you were thankful for. The overwhelming smell of the body spray started to give you a headache.

↠↞

“Are you sure you want to share this with me? I made this for you, Jungkook.” You questioned as you sat on the parking block in the empty parking stall next to Jungkook’s car.

Jungkook tossed his duffle bag into the backseat of his car and proceeded to sit next to you. He changed into a dark gray track suit and still had water dripping from the ends of his hair.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I always drink some protein after training and that’s going to fill me up pretty well. You can have the other half of this wrap since you didn’t eat yet—oh fuck, my blender bottle.” He retreated back to his car and retrieved his blender bottle that already had a measured amount of protein powder and a bottle of water. “Have you made one of these before?”

You shook your head and he handed you both bottles and just as you were making his meal prep, you felt like you were going to ruin his protein.

“You see this line here? 12 ounce? Fill the blender up to there, close it tightly and then shake as if your life depended on it.” He instructed.

The instructions were simple and yet you still continued to second guess yourself over something so trivial. You did as you were told and as you shook the bottle, Jungkook laughed at the strained look you had on your face.

“Hey! Cut me some slack. I don’t shake protein on a regular basis.” You abruptly stopped the motion and Jungkook continued to laugh whilst pleading for forgiveness.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just--” Jungkook still failed to stifle his laughter. “Your face---” He took the bottle from your hands and imitated the look of your eyes screwed shut and your lips pursed closely to your teeth. Jungkook’s expression caused a burst a laughter to rise out of you and playfully shoved him off of the parking block.

“Just eat your food, Jeon!” You chuckled.

Jungkook recovered from him fit of laughter and proceeded to take the lid off the tupperware. Your fingers trembled as he handed you the other half of the wrap. While your eyes held the gaze of anxiety, he had the gaze of astonishment mixed with hunger.

“So, what’s in it?” He asked whilst examining the wrap.

“Uh, turkey breast slices, yellow bell pepper, spinach, tomato, and hummus.” As you explained, Jungkook lifted the wrap closer and closer to his mouth.

The deafening silence between the two of you as Jungkook bit and chewed was astounding. Your throat had gone dry and it felt as if your half of the wrap was going to slide out of your hands.

Jungkook abruptly stopped mid-chew and looked at you with his eyebrows knitted together. Your eyes turned into moons as you felt your heart break piece by piece.

“Y/n…” Jungkook mumbled slowly.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, trying to prepare yourself for the rejection of your food. However, you did expect it.

“This is fucking delicious.” He said in pure bliss. “I don’t ever eat anything like this, but holy shit, this is amazing.”

The disappointed look on your face twisted into a confused facial expression. “Really?! Are you sure?”

“Try it.”

Even after your mother’s approval and Jungkook’s compliment, you were still hesitant in taking a bite. Jungkook gestured at you to try the turkey wrap as he took his own bite.

You took a breath and proceeded to follow through with the action. After chewing for a bit, you came to the realization that, “wow, okay, this isn’t bad.”

“See?! It’s great!” Jungkook gave you a pat on the shoulder. “Why were you so nervous about it?”

“It’s because the only people I’ve ever cooked for are my mom and Jennie.” You explained. “I make the most basic things ever, so you know, of course I’d be nervous making you something that I made.”

He nodded his head and reached for one of the vegetables in the tupperware. “Well, I really appreciate it, y/n—for doing this, I mean. You didn’t have to.”

“I know.” You sighed. “I wanted to.”

Jungkook smiled at you with his cheeks puffed out from the food that he stuffed inside. You felt compelled to poke one of his cheeks, but you fought it because bringing him food was already as “intimate” as you could get.

You still found it hard to make the first move to hold Jungkook’s hand in school or even hook your arm with his. He always initiated skinship first which you were grateful for because you were obviously too chicken to do it yourself.

“So,” You started after swallowing another bite of the turkey wrap. “I uh--my mom, she uh, you know, knows.”

Jungkook stopped midway through his bite and stared at you with concerning eyes. “What happened?”

You began to tell the tale of your mother’s smart instincts. Jungkook’s cheeks flushed for a moment.

“She remembers you as the kid who put gum in my hair.” You gently nudged his shoulder and he snorted at the memory.

“Ah, yeah, I remember that. My mom got so mad at me.” He sighed and flicked at a lock of your hair with clean fingers. “Sorry about that, by the way.”

You envisioned the eleven year old version of Jungkook who “stealthily” stuck a wad of gum in your hair but tripping over someone’s backpack while trying to flee.

“It’s alright.” You chuckled and put your hand up.

Jungkook quickly finished the rest of his wrap and chugged half of his protein shake. “You want to try some? It’s chocolate.”

You hesitated at first, only because you had that split second thought of sharing an indirect kiss with him.

I need to stop watching anime.

After what seemed to be forever, you reached out and took a swig from his protein bottle and scrunched your nose.

“It tastes like...grass.” You shuddered and smacked your lips, still tasting the chocolately-grass flavored protein on your tongue.

Jungkook laughed sharply and escaped to grab another water bottle to give to you out of his duffle bag. “Yeah sorry, it’s a vegan protein. You get used to it when you drink it often.” He offered you another sip which you declined with a sour facial expression.

Your brain sifted through the thoughts that were racing inside of you and you thought about whether or not Chaeyoung was used to the taste of Jungkook’s protein flavor. You wondered if she ever gave him a home cooked meal or if she randomly showed up at the gym while he was training.

Duh. Of course she has y/n. She was his girlfriend.

You weren’t trying to compare yourself to Chaeyoung, but he did date her for three years which meant he was accustomed to random acts of flirtatious banter and actions. On the other hand, you were also used to those things but with Sehun, not Jungkook. It never really occurred to you before, but you wondered why he never hesitated to show public displays of affection to you; his breakup with Chaeyoung was just as “recent” as yours and yet it almost seemed like a second nature for him.

Just this once, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

“Hey Jungkook,” you began softly waiting for a signal from him to continue your words. “How is it so easy for you to do this?”

He tilted his head and pointed to his blender bottle. “Do what? Drink my protein?”

“No.” You chuckled. “I don’t know, pretend to be in this relationship with me. Pet names, holding my hand, you know, the works.”

Jungkook stretched his legs out in front of him and took a deep breath. “Honestly,” he started. “It isn’t easy.”

You raised an eyebrow. You weren’t expecting this answer at all.

“For three years, I’ve only affectionately held one girl’s hand and called only one girl babe or whatever. It’s all I’ve ever known--routine, you know. So, jumping right into something new terrified me a little, but I knew I had to be confident about this so Chaeyoung could finally leave me alone.” Jungkook explained.

This was probably one of the most serious moments you ever had with Jungkook. While you always made it known that you weren’t used to PDA with Jungkook, he remained confident with every move he made that you never suspected him to feel the same way as you did. It was honestly impressive.

Also, Jungkook was right. He had to do this in order for Chaeyoung to finally get off his back. Although you held his hand in the hallways and hugged him whenever he initiated it, Chaeyoung and her lackeys could probably tell from a mile away that there was something suspicious just from the look in your eyes; a woman’s intuition.

If you put as much effort as Jungkook did in the beginning, then maybe this whole thing would be over much quicker. After all, that was the stipulations of this fake relationship: it would last until Chaeyoung gives up. You also had a hidden goal embedded in this relationship which was to make Sehun jealous. Selfish? Yes. Did you care? A little.

You left the conversation as that and carefully eased into a different subject. Jungkook never questioned your question, he just casually followed your lead.

You decided to spend another ten minutes with Jungkook before deciding to head home; it was still a school night. Jungkook tidied up the backseat of his car to make proper room for the bag of meal prep so it wouldn’t fall over while he drove.

“By the way, am I still picking you up tomorrow morning?” Jungkook asked taking the bag from you.

“Yeah, if you still want to.” You gave yourself a few more seconds before continuing. “My mom actually starts a little later than normal tomorrow, so if you want to come out to say hi then..”

Jungkook took a noticeable breath and rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, yeah. I’d love to say hi. I’ll stop by the usual time.”

You nodded your head and waited for Jungkook to ready himself to get into the driver’s seat. Instead, he shut the backseat door and gestured you your car. You cocked an eyebrow and spun around on your heel with Jungkook walking closely behind you.

“New car?” He asked.

“No, my mom’s.” You unlocked the car and just as he’s done every single time, Jungkook moved ahead of you to open the car door. You placed your phone into one of the cupholders and opened the middle console to double check if your wallet was still there.

There was a voice inside your head screaming at you to turn the fuck around and give Jungkook a hug or at least a high five. You hesitated because it’s what you do, but the voice grew louder and louder until your thoughts boiled over.

Without saying a single word, you emerged turned around and reached out to wrap your arms around Jungkook’s torso. He stumbled a bit before finding his footing. You knew you caught him off guard because it took him a few seconds before he snaked his arms underneath your hair to secure them around your neck.

“U-Uh--” Jungkook stammered.

This was your cue to release him and you did just that.

“Drive safe.” You playfully swatted his chest, making him flinch and then sliding into your mother’s car.

“You too. Drive safe.” Jungkook closed the car door and before he shifted his body, you caught a glimpse of a smile on his face. You started the engine and rolled the windows down. Jungkook turned back around to you and you waved him off so he could go to his car. He also waved goodbye and you waited until he got into his car before you pulled out of the parking stall.

The hug you gave him was going to be the first of many that you were going to initiate first. You promised yourself to actually act like a girlfriend for once. Hugs were a bit on the easy side for you because you didn’t need to look at him while doing it. Little by little, you were going to push yourself to initiate PDA towards Jungkook. Sehun would get jealous, Chaeyoung would officially call it quits with Jungkook and then everything would go back to normal.

↠↞

You loved it whenever your mother started later in the mornings. This meant you could sit at the table with her and chat before heading to school. It was rare for her to be home before you went to school because even on her days off, she would catch up on some sleep.

It was a quiet Wednesday morning and you were enjoying a plate of waffles drizzled with maple syrup and dusted with powdered sugar. Your mother sliced you up a few strawberries and poured you a nice tall glass of orange juice. Whenever she prepared a decent size breakfast like this, it reminded you of your childhood; breakfast with your parents on a typical Sunday morning with you begging your father to add whipped cream to your waffles and your mother nagged at you to not pile on more sugar on your breakfast. There wasn’t a lot of memories stored in your headspace, but you cherished them all.

“So that’s what you were working on yesterday.” You forked a slice of your waffle into your mouth.

“Yeah. I don’t know why the head honcho decided to move the meeting today on such short notice.” Your mother spoke from the kitchen, spooning another serving of the batter into the waffle maker. “At least I finished it, but I might be coming home an hour or two late because today’s schedule got completely rearranged.”

Nowadays, it was not uncommon for you to be home alone or alone until late hours of the night. Over the years, your mother worked hard and became head of her department in the office. By the time you were a sophomore, she went on a few business trips that left you home alone for a few weekends. You had to admit, it was a bit lonely at times, but you were extremely proud of her accomplishments.

Your phone vibrated against the hardwood of the dining table with a surprising text message from Jungkook.

[6:53] jeon kook: Outside

Your fork clattered on top of the plate and you bolted towards your driveway, disregarding your mother’s question.

“I thought the usual time meant 7:15?” You questioned Jungkook as he stood at the passenger side of his car, flattening out his shirt and ruffling his hair. He nonchalantly opened his car and pulled out a drink carrier that held three drinks.

Your eyes grew wide and your jaw dropped slightly.

“What--What is going on?” You asked suspiciously.

“Iced hazelnut latte for you and two orange-mango iced teas because I don’t know how your mom takes her coffee.” Jungkook explained holding up the carrier and shutting the car door.

“O-Okay.” You stuttered, still confused as to why he was doing this. “Let’s go in then.”

As the two of you walked up the pavement, you suddenly remembered this would technically be the first time he’s been in your home; the one time during elementary didn’t count because it was for your birthday party. Jungkook would be stepping into your home as your “boyfriend” and it was nerve wracking. Was your mother going to embarrass you? Were you going to embarrass yourself?

“Mom!” You called out, almost hesitant to let Jungkook inside. “Jungkook is here.”

You stepped out of the way to let Jungkook in who was struggling to kick hi shoes off before entering.

“H-Hi! Good morning Mrs--”

“Oh just call me ‘auntie’, Jungkook. It’s alright.” Your mother always instructed your friends to call her ‘auntie’ while Jennie called her ‘mom’.

“A-Auntie..” Jungkook repeated with a small smile. “I’m sorry to drop by on short notice.”

“It’s no problem. Have a seat and have some breakfast before you two head out.” At your mother’s words, you flashed her wide eyes. Even if this was all apart of the relationship package, you only prepared yourself for them to exchange greetings not have an entire conversation over breakfast.

“I don’t know how you take your coffee--or if you even like coffee, so I got you an orange-mango iced tea.” Jungkook took a few steps forward, nervous to enter the kitchen. You gave him a gentle push and he glided across your wooden floor to hand over her beverage.

“Oh, Jungkook, thank you.” She traded the drink with a plate of waffles for him to indulge in.

As he walked back towards you, you gave him a reassuring “okay” sign with your fingers. Jungkook seemed to want extra “good-boyfriend-points” and he seemed to be on the right track.

↠↞

Breakfast with your mother went surprisingly well.

One of the first things Jungkook said was an apology for ruining your hair and with a full hearted laugh, she forgave him. Your mother asked about school and shockingly, he didn’t quite lie about his academic performance. He expressed his struggle to focus in class sometimes and he was glad to have you tutor him from time to time. Nothing embarrassing, nothing too cringey, everything went exceptionally well.

Your mother thanked Jungkook for picking you up and also thanked him once again for the iced tea as you two were preparing to leave. She even witnessed him open the car door for you. You have to admit, you were impressed and proud of Jungkook for doing this.

“I’m pretty sure she likes you.” You commented and rolled down your window.

Jungkook chuckled and slicked his hair back. “Of course, why wouldn’t she?”

“Oh my god, I take it back.” You leaned further away from him, cringing at his greasiness.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Jungkook gently tugged at your wrist to bring you back to how you were sitting before. “I swear I was shitting bricks though, but your mom is a lot easier to talk to than what I thought.”

You smiled as you listened to Jungkook rant about how he couldn’t sleep last night because he was too nervous. His eyes flickered from you back to the road and even still holding onto your wrist, he still spoke with a few hand gestures. This would have been your cue to wriggle yourself free, but you suppressed the urge. You had to get comfortable somehow, someway and this was your way of trying.

“By the way, how does your mom take her coffee?” Jungkook released your wrist as he reversed his car into a parking stall.

“Straight up black. Iced or hot. Ugh, it tastes disgusting.” You shivered and rubbed your wrist.

“I guess I’ll bring that over the next time I meet with you two.”

Small words were exchanged as the two of you exited Jungkook’s car. You had both of your backpacks at your footside during the whole car ride and he walked over to your side to take his bag from you, you offered to put it on for him. He squinted his eyes at you, wondering what you were up to this time. But you nudged him on to slip his arms through the straps.

“Hmm, y/n. What’s going on? First the meal prep then--oh fuck, my waffles!” Jungkook thrashed around and quickly opened the passenger side door of his car to reach for the ziploc with extra waffles that your mother made for him. “Anyway, first the meal prep, then that hug you gave me--which by the way, you never do first. During breakfast, you dressed up my waffles for me and now your helping me put on my bag? What exactly are you planning, Ms. y/n?”

You rolled your eyes at him. “First of all, at my house, it’s called manners. Second of all, I’m not planning anything. I’m just...playing my part.”

Jungkook chuckled and slyly weaved his fingers in between yours because of the amount of students that were in the parking lot.

“Well, whatever pushed that on, I’m glad it did. Chaeyoung was seriously doubting us.” He whispered.

“You know that for certain?” You asked intrigued because he did sound certain.

“Yeah, she told me.” Jungkook kept his hushed tone. “Remember at the diner? She went on and on saying that you didn’t seem like a ‘girlfriend’ because you acted differently with Sehun or whatever. I told her to just mind her business.”

A quiet sigh slipped past your lips. Chaeyoung wasn’t wrong, which was why you were trying your best to push past your boundaries and act like a better girlfriend. Jungkook hasn’t done anything that you didn’t like. He always quietly warned you if he was going to do something out of the ordinary like a back hug. You were always grateful for this, so you needed to meet him halfway for once.

“I--” You started. “I’ll try my best to do better, okay?”

Jungkook smiled at you and shook his bangs out of his eyes. “Thanks.”

He guided you all the way to your locker and leaned against the cool metal. This was practically routine for the two of you; you’d head to your locker first to grab whatever textbooks you needed for first and second period, then head over to Jungkook’s locker to grab a single notebook.

“Any plans for lunch?” Jungkook asked as he entered his locker combination.

“I was going to go to the math lab. I have to go over some criteria with Chanyeol since I didn’t get to stay for a full meeting for the past week.” You explained.

“I feel like that’s my fault since you’ve been helping me with my math work. Sorry about that.” Jungkook kept his head in his locker searching for god knows what.

“It’s no...problem.” You said barely above a whisper. Across the hall, you easily spotted Sehun with his group of friends chilling against another row of lockers. There was no doubt that he was staring right at you while his friends became background noise.

It wasn’t fair. You wouldn’t need to be making Sehun jealous in the first place if you two didn’t break up in the first place. You and Sehun would have been happy together and nothing would be messy right now.

Ugh. Shut up, y/n.

You didn’t even need to make Sehun jealous in the first place; this was just you being selfish. Sehun became unhappy at some point in the relationship and you had a personal duty to show him that you were happy with someone else.

“I guess I’m seeing you after school then.” Jungkook shut his locker, making you break the eye contact with Sehun. He kept his back turned without knowing who or what you were staring at.

“Yeah.” You absentmindedly tugged at Jungkook’s shirt to smooth out a couple of the wrinkles that splayed across. In return, he gently pushed a few hairs out of your face with his fingertips.

“Alright, let’s get you to class, Ms. y/n.” Jungkook took the textbook out of your grasp so he could properly hold your hand.

As you laced your hand into Jungkook’s, you stole a glance of Sehun whose eyes were still trained on you. You swore to yourself once again that you were going to show Sehun that you were happy with your boyfriend, Jungkook. Sehun was going to have to watch in the background as you walked the halls of the school with someone who wasn’t him.

Your class was in the opposite direction of where Sehun stood with his friends. Just as you started to walk off with Jungkook, you softly squeezed his hand and lean your head against his shoulder. There was an intense feeling of eyes piercing through the back of your head and just before Jungkook could look down at your face, you smirked.

Bingo.

-

-

-

♡ rae jagi

[hareblazer]

and they cried holy holy holy

its very hard existing in a world that doesnt love you 

fic focused on the affects of the religious south via larrys childhood + internalized homophobia now. tw for religious trauma, homophobia, the q slur, implied child abuse, self harm, implied suicide. separated into 6 parts.

all of these things are pretty normal for the time/context/situation i promise i didnt go ape shit on him ctvgbhn 

im gay. some things were minorly edited because of my own experiences. all conversations are inspired heavily by convos ive had.

ONE

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” The pastor had told him. “Queers go to hell. It is the will of God.” Larry’s mother elbowed him, a way of saying this included him. “Join me in prayer so the sinners may reach Salvation and Repentance.” He raised his arms, framing the holy cross behind him. “Peace be with you.”

“And also with you.” All stood. Except Larry.

“God is Good.” He said.

“All the time.” All prayed. Except Larry. His father glared at him. He could feel the eyes of everyone around him- even if they weren’t looking- he knew what they thought of him. He wished he was good and pure. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by God like everyone else was. But he was just a sinner. A blemish on the tapestry of God’s vision.

None of that was true, of course, but as an 11 year old in the deep south in 1935- he had no choice but to believe.

“Larry.” His father whispered angrily. “Stand. Up. Now.”

“I don’t wanna.” Larry whispered back. He didn’t. He was tired. Ever since his parents found out about his preference for boys they had woken him up early almost every morning to pray- to be reminded of his damnation- to go to church and be told over and over again he was unnatural. He was so tired.

“Larry. If you don’t stand right now- You’ll be choosing a switch when we get home.”

“I’m tired-” He kicked his feet.

“Lawrence Michael Trainor.” His mother hissed. “You’re embarrassing us.” Larry could hear a waver in her voice.

“-in God’s name, amen.” The pastor finished.

“Amen.”

“You are dismissed.”

“Bless you, father.” someone behind Larry said. He couldn’t see very well through his own tears. He couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault. Now was, in Larry’s opinion, one of the worst parts of church. His parents beelined to Benjamin Quincy’s- probably to tell them to keep their son away from him. Again. Larry could already hear them berating Ben’s poor father- accusing them of turning their sweet son to the Devil and a path of damnation.

This was almost 90 years ago, but Larry could remember it like it was yesterday. He’d never admit it- but sometimes he still felt like that scared boy praying for a salvation that’ll never come.

Chief had bought him a bible, when he first moved into the manor, thinking it would remind him of home. He didn’t know, of course, the kind of history Larry had with religion- but it was enough to release the spirit on a rampage. Chief thought that was interesting. Larry thought it was a headache- literally and metaphorically. He actually wasn’t sure where it was now, actually. It had disappeared mysteriously years ago- after he had given Rita a vague idea of how his childhood was. He never looked for it.

It wasn’t until the patrol had to go into a church that Larry really thought about this again. Ordinarily he pretends it never happened- that he never had a childhood at all. It was easier than having to face it. He forgot why, exactly, they were there- but-

“Larry?” Cliff turned back, already halfway through the doors. Larry had stopped about ten feet off- Jane near him. “You coming?”

“Ah.” was all he could say in reply. This looked like his old one. His lungs felt like they were full of water. Jane tilted her head at him. She had a reason to hate this place- not to say he probably didn’t have one too- but she had definitely never heard about this before. “I.”

“We have two people against this stuff, now?” Cliff. He meant well, but he was about as sensitive as a brick. “What happened to you?”

Larry said nothing. Jane stepped up. “He doesn’t have to tell you. Just- go without us.” Cliff did the closest thing to a shrug he could do and left. Larry wanted to thank Jane- in his own quiet way- but he was a little overwhelmed for that. God. He could still hear the pastors words stinging his heart. He felt Jane’s eyes on him.

Repent, old sinner. Repent and be redeemed.

“Fuck.” Larry turned and walked away. “Fuck!”

“I guess the church screwed both of us over.” Jane crossed her arms. Larry only sighed.

“It screws everyone over. Whether they realize it or not.”

“Hm.” Jane agreed. “It’s a fucked up institution.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“God. I want to go back to the manor.” He placed a hand on his chest, trying to soothe the spirit. “Take a nap.”

“Me too.” Jane leaned against a wall.

They stood in silence, before Larry spoke again.

“The church by my house looked like this. Growing up.” He glanced back at it for a moment. “God. I hated that place.”

Jane watched him for a moment. They were the two most closed off people in the manor- this was literally the most he had ever said about himself to her.

“Boring?”

“I guess.” Larry did not say it was because they hated him. He did not say that the priest told him he deserved damnation. He did not say that he still had nightmares about it. “I was. Not well liked, I guess.”

“Oh.” Jane did not share her own trauma related to it. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. “Are you still…?”

“God, no. I’m not a fan of- any of it, really. I don’t know.” He tries to tell her without really saying anything at all. “They. Really. Don’t like the kind of person I am. Is all.”

“Me neither.” She nodded. This conversation was so. Fucking. Awkward. But it was still the most they had talked in a long time. “Bad church experiences club.”

Larry chuckled. “Bad church experiences club.” 

TWO 

Larry was in class. Thirteen years old and already fully aware of his fate. Homosexuality is an abomination, he knew. God does not make mistakes, he knew. So why is he cursed with these feelings?

“God created all creatures in the Beginning-” his teacher was explaining in the background. Larry had heard this story a million times- both in and out of church. He was daydreaming about the boy who sat in front of him- he had the bluest eyes, and- no. No. Larry couldn’t think like that. That was a sin. He mentally scolded himself for letting his guard down. He had to have a wife. A family- or suffer for all eternity.

“God is love,” said his teacher.

It doesn’t feel much like love to Larry.

-

He regretted doing this. Larry found himself standing in front of the team- during Cliff’s sudden group therapy session and subsequent freakout.

“Well.” He started, but paused. God. God. God. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think it would be a good idea to come out? To let the only people he ever felt like he could trust learn his ugly, terrible truth and scorn him just as his own family did?

“I’m-”

“GAY!” Cliff interrupted suddenly. Larry froze. Oh god. Oh god. They knew. They KNEW. How did they know? No. Fuck. He was reading too far into this. Unless he wasn’t. The others protested Cliff’s outburst.

“Okay! I just thought Larry was about to come out- and it would’ve been so healing for him!”

Larry is thankful for the bandages covering his tears.

"I think all I wanted to say was...it gets lonely, not touching anyone for 60 years. the last person I ever touched was John Bowers. I- I loved him. and I drove him away." Larry hoped that was vague enough. God. He could see it now- remembering how his parents reacted when they figured it out for themselves- how the church had reacted- how the other boys had reacted- how he had joined the army in an effort to make himself more masculine, more straight- he couldn’t help but think about all the possible ways he could kill himself right here right now.

“I knew it.” Cliff stood. Larry panicked. “I just want you to know that you’re loved- and accepted-” He hugged Larry, and Larry didn’t know what to do.

He’d never been offered acceptance before. How do you react to that?

“I’m not done.” He snapped. It was the best he knew how to do.

“I’m only sharing this because it’s the thing Mr. Nobody shoved in my face.” A clarification he knew this was immoral. He knew he was wrong. “What’s left, of my face.”

Pause.

“That was a joke. God- these bandages are the death of all nuance.” He failed to lighten the mood. He could feel everyone’s judgement, burning his skin like the fire did so many years ago. “Look. If Mr. Nobody’s goal is to torture me, well- I’ve been doing his work for him. Whipping myself in a- a prison of my own making.” Fuck. That sounded kind of cliche.”And wh- what if I trusted John, what if I’d been more brave- and guess what? I’m sick of it! I’m not just hurting myself- I’m hurting this thing inside of me and it’s hurting me back, endlessly, until there’s so much self-loathing I can barely breathe.” He’s trying so, so hard not to break down. He returns to his spot on the couch and slumps, already tuned out and waiting for his inevitable punishment.

He’s only greeted with Rita’s hand on his back, a small comfort, but a welcome one nonetheless. 

THREE 

The last time Larry was in love was with John. It was, admittedly, most of what he thought about, these days- but it was the only time he could ever exist in peace around another person. Even if John was a little too open for Larry’s comfort, he was comfortable in his own skin during the rare times they could sneak a moment together.

He missed John so, so much. Not only because he loved him- though that was a big part- but because he missed feeling safe. He missed feeling loved. He missed feeling anything at all.

-

“So. You’re gay?” Cliff had asked, one morning.

“Yes.” Larry answered, a little too shortly.

“Aren’t you from- like- the 30s?”

“Yes.” Larry said again, knowing full well what question was going to come next.

“Did your parents-” Cliff paused, trying to find the words. “Take it well? How did you- do that? Back then?”

Larry didn’t answer, at first. He actually had no idea what Cliff was referring to. “What?”

“Y’know- you said you had a boyfriend? John? How did you hide it? Since homosexuality was, like- illegal.”

Larry considers losing it. “They. Did not take it well.” He started, failing to mention how most parents in the day had a habit of ‘beating the queer’ out of their children. “We hid it with difficulty. I mean- we risked getting murdered- or worse, if we were caught.”

“Damn.” Cliff said. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah.” Larry sighed. He hated this conversation so much. “I married a girl I knew right out of high school- that was normal, back then- but I guess I thought if I just forced myself into it I’d turn straight, or something?”

“Did it work?”

“No. I cheated on her for years with other men and ruined my family.”

“Oh.” Cliff feels so awkward. “I mean- I did that too. Cheated on my wife. But I didn’t have a good reason for it. Like you did.”

“Cliff, I didn’t have a good reason. I don’t know what you mean by that.”

“Sure you did! I mean- cheating at all is a dick move, no matter what- but, like, you’re gay. And you got forced to marry a woman so you wouldn’t die.”

“Cliff-”

“And gay marriage is legal now! So- like- it got better! Gay rights!”

“It’s legal?”

“Yeah! In 2015- thought we celebrated it! But then you wouldn’t leave your room because you were sad about something again, and then Jane-”

“It’s legal now.” Larry said again, not listening to anything Cliff was saying. “Holy shit.”

“-Then Hammerhead threw me across a room and Chief had to wire my legs back on.”

“I hated myself so fucking much for- so long-” Larry’s face is unreadable to Cliff. “The number of times I considered killing myself because I thought there was no other option- and it’s been legal for almost five years. And I didn’t know about it.”

“How did you find out you were. You know?” Cliff asked, trying to avoid talking about Larry’s apparent suicidal tendencies.

“What?”

“How did you know you were gay?”

“Oh. I mean- when I was a kid it was pretty watered down- but I never liked the idea of having a wife or a girlfriend like everyone expected me to. In middle school, though? The boy’s locker room was definitely an eye-opener- and in my twenties I-” Larry was not going to finish that sentence. Cliff hadn’t unlocked that part of his backstory yet. “God. I tried to repress it for so long, though. It’s really weird, having other people know.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“It’s okay, now. There’s even gay hookup apps, and stuff. I bet Vic could help you set one up.”

Larry shrunk into his coat. He could barely handle seeing a man in shorts, the other day. He really didn’t think he was ready for this. “Cliff. I’m not. I can’t do this.”

“Why not? You’re free to be yourself!”

“Cliff. It’s been ingrained in me since I was a kid that being gay was some- awful, horrible thing. This- acceptance? It’s too new to me. I’m not ready to embrace it. I can’t.” I can’t go to hell, was what Larry was thinking. I can’t do that. “Ninety years of- of repression- and self hatred- and hiding- and all of that, I can’t just- bounce back, Cliff. I need time to think about this.”

“Do that! You can talk to me, if you need to, Larry!”

“Maybe I will.” 

FOUR 

Larry was 16 when he hurt himself for the first time. It wasn’t on purpose- he was trying to whittle a little plane in class when he sliced his thumb- but he never really stopped. He felt like he deserved it- maybe the sins he held would leave his body, dripping like blood down his arms. Or maybe he just wanted to feel something other than shame. Either way- it was the one thing he could feel totally in control of. Something that finally felt justified. Unlike his unwavering attraction toward the other boys in his classes- like the now-constant disdain of his parents- unlike the smile his first kiss gave him before they left each other behind. His parents never actually knew about this habit, but Larry convinced himself they did.He told himself this was what they really wanted- between the constant threats of going to hell, or the reminders he’s ruining their perfect family- maybe they did just want him to hurt. Suicide, back then, was almost unthinkable. Nowadays, Larry considers it often. -

Rita noticed something was- more off than usual. Larry had always been a melancholic person, but even Cliff had realized Larry not leaving his room for three days wasn’t normal. She eventually took it upon herself to drag him out of whatever slump he had gotten himself into, again- whether he liked it or not.

“Larry?” She called through his doors. Sound didn’t travel well through all that- but she was very good at being heard when she wanted to be. “Larry!”

Larry did not answer. He was bandaged, luckily, as he knew Rita would inevitably come storming in, but he didn’t want her to see the blood seeping through. He had relapsed, again, though he had nobody left to report it to with the Chief gone. That was for the best, he thought. “LARRY!” Rita knocked on the door. “I’m coming in there!”

Larry groaned. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t stopping her. He could easily just say it would be too dangerous, or-

He could hear the decontamination chamber hiss. Fuck. He had to clean himself up fast.

“Can you- wait just a-” Too late. Rita entered, concerned. “Fuck.”

“Ah.’ Rita started, but paused, seeing Larry’s red bandages. “Larry. What were you doing in here?” Larry kicked the pocketknife he dropped under his dresser.

“Nothing.”

“Larry. You’re a terrible liar and I just watched you hide something. What did you do?”

Larry shifted his weight nervously. Everyone else he was positive wouldn’t care too much about this- though, of course, that wasn’t even remotely true- but Rita?

“I.” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. How is he supposed to tell her he was just cutting up his own arms in an attempt to feel better about himself? To punish himself for being gay? How do you say that casually? “I was.”

“You were?” In truth, Rita already had an idea what he was doing. She just needed him to admit he needed help.

Larry avoided eye contact, though that was invisible to Rita through his goggles. “I was. Dealing with. Things.” He can feel the dams breaking. He really, really does not want to cry to Rita right now.

“Dealing with what?” Come on, Larry.

“Shit.” was all he could get out before he started sobbing. Rita sighed and put her hand on his back, like she always did when he has a hard time. This was not the first time she’s seen him at his lowest, and she knew it wouldn’t be her last. It used to be a mystery to her- she always knew he was hiding something important about himself, but what it was, exactly, she couldn’t guess. Now that he came out, though, she had a whole new perspective on it all.

This explained a lot, actually. She had thrown away the bible Chief had gifted him, because she knew he did not like the church, though she didn’t understand why until now. He had always avoided talking about relationships at all, and would shut down when asked about his past. Larry didn’t know that she knew about the times he would hobble gingerly toward Chief’s lab, blood dripping from his limbs and the burden of being a sinner on his mind. Larry was especially bitter toward the spirit, after those nights. Now Rita knew how he was so sure it won’t let him die.

“It’s okay, Larry.” was all she could think to say. “You’re safe, now.” He couldn’t answer past pulling her into a hug. Rita was pretty sure he was getting blood on her dress- but she didn’t mind. “I’d offer to patch you up, but I think you have enough bandages.”

Larry couldn’t help but laugh slightly at that. “God, Rita. I’m sorry. I hate to involve you in my own shit-”

“Larry. You’re my best friend and I care about you, even if you don’t care about you.”

“I know. I just- I should be over this already. I haven’t been to church in over sixty years- my parents have been dead for seventy- John’s already moved on- I just- goddammit, Rita. I’m lonely.” He pulls away to sit on his bed, head in his hands. “I haven’t touched another man in- god knows how long- and all I can think about is how wanting to is in itself a fucking abomination-”

“No.” Rita interrupted. “I’m not allowing that kind of negativity! It is not an abomination and you know it.” Larry only looked at her. “Now continue.”

“Uh. Okay. I miss- god, it sounds so stupid, but- I really miss-” He struggles to find the words. “Kissing men?”

Rita only nodded.

“I didn’t have the chance to- very often- but- god, Rita. There was this club- near one of my posts at the military. Before I met John. It wasn’t officially anything, but it was already a pretty established gay club. But, you know- it was more of a secret.”

“There was one of those near my apartment, you know.” Larry nodded.

“They were usually old speakeasies. But there was this man there- he was- he was really something, Rita. He was a regular, I think. Really tall.” Larry sighed wistfully. Rita smiled at him. She liked seeing him like that. Happy- or at least as close to happiness as she’d seen him get. “We spent… a lot of time together. Mostly in motel rooms.”

“What was his name?”

“I don’t remember. It was so long ago. I miss him anyway, though. Even if it was just a fling.”

“I understand.” Rita said, simply. “Have you considered- getting out there, again?”

“What, like dating? Cliff suggested it to me, but- I thought he was too enthusiastic about it. I don’t know.” It scared him, to be honest.

“I’m sure there are other gay metahumans.” Rita assured him. “With a tolerance for radiation.”

“It’s not them I’m worried about.”

“What, then?”

“How can someone love me when I can’t?” Larry was emotionless through the bandages, but Rita thought she could hear a frown. “I hate myself so. Fucking. Much, Rita. I can’t kill myself no matter how much I try- but what good is someone who’s only alive because something else is forcing them to be? Who would want that kind of baggage, Rita? Not even the fucking spirit can handle it, and it’s the thing keeping me this way.” His chest glowed.

“The first step is realizing you have a problem.”

“I realize I have a problem, Rita. I realized it when I was seven years old, thinking about some boy in my math class. I realized it every-goddamn-day when my own mother would cry and tell me she wished I’d never been born- that no matter what I did she would always love God more than me.” His voice wavered. “I realized it in church, and in school, and at home- every time the newspapers would come in with more horror stories about gay men found dead- every time a kid got the shit beat out of him by his own parents. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, Rita.” He huffed, and Rita faltered. She had never seen this from him before. “God-fucking-dammit! If I could’ve just been a normal person- for once in my goddamn life- god. Oh my god.” He stopped.

“Larry?”

“I fucking died, didn’t I?” He stood suddenly. “I died in that fucking plane crash and this is hell. I can’t die. I can’t touch anyone. I’m stuck wallowing in my own self-loathing like a fucking-”

“Larry.” Rita said again, firmly.

“And I deserve all of it! I destroyed everyone I ever loved! Just because I’m not attracted to women? Big fucking deal! I should’ve just sucked it up. I’m a fucking coward! I should’ve killed myself when I was twenty like I planned! But no. I was too scared. Fuck this! I-”

“Larry!” Rita half-yelled, stopping Larry mid sentence. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you are not helping yourself. Stop having a pity-party and listen to me.”

Larry didn’t answer. He was breathing shakily. Rita could tell he was likely crying under there again.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing!” She held up her hands. “I’m sorry you were told there was, but they were blatantly wrong. All of them. Liars.” She paused to watch him. He was standing as still as a statue, watching her silently. She hoped that meant he was listening. “I know it’s been ingrained into you. But you need to leave it behind. Stop dragging it with you. It will only hurt more. You’re accepted here, Larry. Nobody would even consider hurting you over something as simple as your sexuality. You don’t need to carry that weight anymore.”

Larry sighed. “I’m sorry, Rita. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“It’s okay, Larry. I can’t imagine what you could be going through- but I offer my support, nonetheless.”

“I.” He paused. “Thank you.” 

FIVE 

When Larry was in the ant farm, he did not fear the torture. He knew he had it coming, anyway. It was God’s Will.

“You transferred a lot, Larry.” Forsythe would say, through the glass. “You were running from something. I intend to find out what.”

“I wasn’t running from anything.” Larry would say, over and over again.

The truth was Larry was running. Every time he thought his secret would be compromised he ran. Every time a fling ended or a boyfriend left or any of his army friends even joked about him being gay- he ran.

Now he faced the consequences for his actions, and he understood.

-

“Larry.” Chief said, bringing him back to attention. “What’s troubling you?”

This was before it all went downhill. Before Larry would come out. Before Mr. Nobody would remind him of every mistake he’d ever made. Before everything.

“Nothing. Just- remembering, is all.” Larry answered, quietly. “Before the accident.”

“Before the accident?” Chief knew it wasn’t really an accident. Larry did not. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

“No.” Larry said, quickly. Chief already knew there was something about him and John. He couldn’t risk him figuring that out. “No. The past is- it’s already happened. It doesn't matter.”

“Oh, but it does, Larry.” Chief answered, in his usual way. “The past may not define us as much as the future, but it still needs to be learned from.” Larry sighed. He had heard this so many times.

“I did learn from it, Chief.” He learned very, very well. “It just sucks.”

“Is this about your friendship with John?” Larry froze. “I know you two were very… close.”

“We weren’t. I don’t want to talk about him.” He shrunk into his coat. Chief raised an eyebrow.

“You never want to talk about him, Larry. It’s not healthy.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably dead, now.”

“Do you miss him?” Chief tilted his head. He knew there had to be a way to get through Larry’s shell. If he was to be a hero, like Niles intended, he had to face this head-on.

Larry took a moment before answering, assessing the risks. Was it too obvious to say yes? “...I do.” He paused. “A. Bit.”

Chief nodded. He was getting closer. “Quite a bit, you would say?”

It was Larry’s turn to nod, adrenaline flaring up hot in his chest. “We were friends. That’s it.”

“I wasn’t implying anything else.” Larry breathed in slightly. Chief could tell he was getting anxious. “Though- we both know- you two were… a bit more than friends, yes?”

“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Larry glanced around, starting to panic. “Whoever told you that, Chief- I- it’s not true. I didn’t even like him!” That was a bold lie. “I mean- if anybody was cheating- I mean- Sheryl and I were strained by the end of it-” He’s grasping for straws.

“Larry. We both know Sheryl was-” Chief was interrupted by a flash of light and Larry’s head slamming on the table. The spirit stood through the table, eyeing Chief down. He couldn’t tell how it was feeling- but judging from how agitated Larry had been beforehand, he didn’t think it was happy with him. No matter.

“There you are.” He started, but the spirit shook its head. “No? You don’t want to talk to me?” It shook its head again and held up a hand. “Oh. Who taught you the middle finger?” It tilted its head. Chief could feel it glaring daggers at him. “I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s important that Captain Trainor learn to-” The spirit had enough of that. It flew in a small circle around Chief, shorting out the lone light in the room. A threat. It knew Chief knew what it was capable of.

Larry awoke suddenly to Chief watching him. He must’ve needed the spirit for something- he doesn’t really know about John. He sighed, instinctively rubbing his goggles.

“That was… unintentional. I apologize, Larry.” Larry looked at him. What the fuck was he after? “Now- John-”

“No. Fuck, Niles. I’m not doing this.” Larry stood. “I’m not reliving my mistakes for you. I’m going to take a nap.”

“Larry. We both know it wasn’t a mistake.” Chief held out his hands. “You cheated on your wife. You hid. Why?”

“I did not cheat on Sheryl. I did not hide. Niles. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’m not going to-” He paused. “I’m not going to do this. I cared about her.” That, at least, was not a lie. “I loved her.” That was. “It’s over, now. I’m paying for what I did- who I was. Just- let that be.”

“Who were you, though?”

“I was a sinner, Chief.” Larry left. 

SIX x3 

“Sheryl.” Larry had said, so long ago. She looked over, glowing in the moon, her hair slightly in her face. He felt no attraction whatsoever for her. He tried to force himself to, anyway. It was sinful. He had to do this.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?” She smiled. She was his friend. He chose her only because she was the only girl he felt he could at least live with.

God. He felt sick. He knew this would hurt her, too. He didn’t want this.

“I love you.” Lying is a sin, too. A lesser of two evils, he had decided. Anything to avoid burning in hell. Anything. Just like his parents had told him. Just like the ministers said.

“Larry!” She had laughed. He felt like throwing up.

Outwardly, Larry had been untouched. Untainted by tragedy and self-hatred. Inwardly, he had become a flaming wreck long before that crash.

-

“Vic.” Larry stood in the doorway, nervously. “Hey.”

“Hey, Larry.” Vic turned to give him a wave. “What’s up?”

“Well. I. Uh.” Larry paused. This was terrifying. “You know- computers and stuff, right?”

“Uh- yeah! What do you need?” Vic looks at him for a moment. He really didn’t mind helping everyone with modern technology! He just never really realized how old everyone was until he was explaining to Larry how color TVs worked- or that cocaine was not a viable medicine anymore to Rita.

“I. Want to meet people.” He held up his phone. “I don’t. Know how.”

“Oh. Where did you get that phone?”

“Rita said I could borrow it.”

“...Okay. What do you want me to do?” Vic hasn’t dated since he was in high school. What was Larry expecting from him?

“Cliff said there are apps for it. For men. Meeting. Other. Men.” Larry is gritting his teeth. “You know computers. I want to. Download one.”

“Oh. Oh! I can help you with that. To an extent.” Vic clarified. “I’ll only help you set up and show you how to use it- the chatting is up to you.”

“Okay.” Larry handed him the phone.

“What are you after? There’s apps for metahumans, and gay people- I’m pretty sure there’s one for veterans-”

“Well. I guess I’d need. The metahuman one. Since they’d need. Some kind of.” He held up his hands. “Immunity.”

“Right.” Vic did not like that implication. “Does Rita know you want to hook up with guys through her phone?”

“Yes. She helped me prepare for this conversation.” Larry shuffled his feet nervously. “It. Did not work. Still awkward.”

“You two are close. Okay- so I downloaded an app called Metameet- it’s mainly for metahumans but there’s an option for gay members. You’re- what, 95? So I already set your username as larrytrainor. That’s usually what- people around your age do.”

“I’m 92. Though the accident was when I was 30-something.”

“Okay. I’ll put that as your age. And. Probably mention that you’re immortal.”

“No. Wait.” Larry put his hand on Vic’s shoulder. “Don’t put that I’m gay. Please.”

“Larry, it’ll say you’re a man seeking a man either way.”

“I know. I just- I can’t be gay. I can’t.” He nearly gagged on the word both times. Vic only looked at him.

“...Okay.” He hit the backspace button. “What’s your problem with it?”

Larry froze. Over the past month he’s had to explain this- five times? “Uh. I.” Fuck. Fuck! He doesn’t deserve this. “It’s just not allowed. I’m not- I’m not supposed to be- into men.”

“You know that’s not true, right?” Vic gave him a confused look. “You… are allowed to be gay, Larry.”

“It’s not like that. I-” He breathed in. “I guess you’re a little too young to really get it.”

“Try me.”

“In the 30s and 40s when I was a kid- it wasn’t- legal. To like. Others. Of the same sex.”

“Yeah?”

“Everyone was really religious, too. So. As hard as I tried to hide it- my parents eventually figured it out. I was 11. After that it just-” He paused. Vic nodded.

“Oh. We learned about that in history in high school.”

“Yeah. It was pretty common for parents to try and beat it out of us.” He paused. “Didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Vic started-

“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, now.”

“Okay.” A pause. “I’m going to put ‘radiation immunity’ as a must.”

“That’s a good idea.” Another pause.

“Can I ask…?”

“Ask what?”

“How did you meet him?”

Larry went silent for a minute, and Vic was scared he made him sad again, somehow.

“We were in the same squadron.” He started slowly, remembering. “He wasn’t my first, honestly- but he was the- he was the one I really loved. I- honestly? If it wasn’t- literally illegal- and I was already married- I probably would have-” He stopped. He never said that out loud.

“That’s. That’s rough, Larry.” He stopped to think. “You can do that now, you know.”

“Yeah. I think- I think that’s why I’m doing this.” A pause.

“I think I’m ready to live the way I always wanted to.”

[patricksmusicblog]

My Favorite Albums/Projects From Each Year of the 10s

The 2010′s decade is about 6 months till its end, mind-boggling enough, this blog has existed for 9 years of it starting mid-2011. Thank you to everyone who’s ever taken any sort of time out of their life to read, think about, or even just glance at one of my reviews over the years it’s meant a lot. Special thanks to those who’ve sent music for me to review or just to listen too and those who’ve reached out and bonded with me over music and more the past few years. This is a compilation of most of all my favorite albums/mixtapes/eps over the years. I’ll probably condense it by years end to a top 50 albums of the 10′s list at the year's end. Hopefully, you find something you haven’t heard and enjoy.

2010 Favs:

Drake- Thank Me Later(Rap): Katy Perry- Teenage Dreams(Pop) Vampire Weekend- Contra(Indie Pop) MGMT- Congratulations(Psych Rock) Nicki Minaj- Pink Friday(Rap) Morning Benders- Big Echo(Indie Pop) Kid Cudi- Man On The Moon II: The Legend of The Rager(Rap) Earl Sweatshirt-Earl(Rap) Four Tet- There Is Love In You(Electronic) Logic- Young Broke and Infamous(Rap) Ceremony- Rohnert Park(Punk)                                                       Baths- Cerulean(Electronic) Caribou- Swim(Electronic)

2011 Favs:

Drake- Take Care(Rap) Kendrick Lamar- Section 80(Rap) Elzhi- Elmatic(Rap) Tyler The Creator- Goblin(Rap) A$AP Rocky- LiveLoveA$AP(Rap) Adele- 21(R&B/Pop) Braids- Native Speaker(indie pop/experimental) Common- The Dreamer The Believer(Rap)                                           Death Grips-Exmilitary(Rap/Experimental)                                                        Thurz-LA Riot(Rap) Logic- Young Sinatra(Rap) Plaid- Scintilli(Electronic) The Roots- Undune(Rap) Battles-Gloss Drop(experimental rock) Africa HiTech-93 Million Miles(Electronic) Torae-For The Record(Rap) Oneohtrix Point Never-Replica(Electronic) Wale-Ambition(Rap) Danny Brown- XXX(Rap)

2012 Favs:

Death Grips-The Money Store(Experimental Hip-Hop) Death Grips- No Love Deep Web(Experimental Hip-Hop) Kendrick Lamar-Good Kid MAAD City(Rap) OFF!-Off!(Punk) Godspeed You! Black Emperor- Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!(Post-Rock) Cloud Nothings- Attack On Memory(Post-Hardcore) The Act Of Estimating as Worthless-Amongst These Splintered Minds//Leaden Thoughts Sing Softly(Indie-Folk) Big Krit-Live From The Underground(Rap) Aesop Rock-Skelethon(Rap) Crypts-Crpt(Electronic) BBNG-BBNG2(instrumental Hip-Hop/jazz rap) KRS-One- The BDP Album(Rap) Killer Mike-Rap Music(Rap) Nas-Life Is Good(Rap) Animal Collective- Centipede Hz(Psych-pop/Experimental Music) Torche- Harmonicraft(Punk) Squarepusher- Ufabulum(Electronic) Rapsody-The Idea Of Beautiful(Rap) Grimes-Visions(Synth-Pop) Joey Bada$$-1999(Rap)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnwUlyjmloI Theesatisfaction -Awe Naturale(Neo-Soul)(R&B)

2013 Favs:

Honey Bones- Honey Bones EP(Synth-Pop) A$AP Rocky-LongLiveASAP(Rap) Joey Bada$$- Summer Knights(Rap) Daft Punk- Random Access Memories(Disco,Electronic,Funk) Janelle Monae-Electric Lady(R&B)                                                Braids- Flourish//Perish(Electronic/Synth-pop)                                Daniel Avery-Drone Logic(Electronic) Anamanaguchi- Endless Fantasy(Electronic/chiptune) Am & Shawn Lee- La Musique Numerique(Electronica) The Haxan Cloak-Excavation(Experimental Electronic) My Bloody Valentine- MBV(Shoegaze) Danny Brown- Old(Rap) Charli XCX- True Romance(Synth-Pop) J.Cole-Born Sinner(Rap) Katy Perry- Prism(Pop) Rapsody- She Got Game(Rap) Tyler The Creator- Wolf(Rap) Paramore- Paramore(Pop-Punk/Alternative) Boards Of Canada-Tomorrow's Harvest(Electronic) Mac Miller- Watching Movies With The Sound Off(Rap) Run The Jewels- Run The Jewels(Rap)

2014 favs:

La Dispute- Rooms Of The House(Post-Punk) Solids- Blame Confusion(Post-Hardcore) Cloud Nothings- Here and Nowhere(Post-Hardcore) Off!- Wasted Years(Punk) Autistic Youth- Nonage(Punk) Sleepstream- They Flew In Censored Skies(Post-Rock) Indian- From All Purity(Black Metal) Glassbooks- Deluge(Post-Punk) Mono- Rays Of Darkness(Shoegaze) Manchester Orchestra- Cope(Alternative Rock) Kidaudra- Ache(Synth-Pop) Mars and The Massacre-Blackout(Garage Rock) Hivehead- Garbage(Punk) No Axis- Labyrinth(Electronic) American Wolf- My Main Sport(Post-Rock) Charli XCX- Sucker(Pop) Run The Jewels- Run The Jewels 2(Rap) Aphex Twin- Syro(Electronic) J. Cole-2014 Forest Hills Drive(Rap) Clipping- CLPPNG(Experimental Rap) Adult Jazz-Gist Is(Experimental Rock) Freddie Gibb & Madlib- Pinata(Rap) Kimbra- Golden Echo(Pop) Logic- Under Pressure(Rap) FKA Twigs-LP1(R&B) Deadmau5-While(1<2)(Electronic) Napolian- Incursio(Electronic) Eprom- Halflife(Electronic) Wolves In The Throne Room- Celestite(Electronic)                   Basement Jaxx- Junto(Electronic)                                          Tokimonsta- Desiderium(Electronic) Vessel-Punish, Honey(Electronic) Plaid- Reachy Prints(Electronic) Skyzoo & Torae- Barrel Brothers(Rap) Big K.r.i.t- Cadillactica(Rap) Uncommon Nasa- New York Telephone(Rap) French Montana-Coke Boys 4(Rap) Death Grips-Government Plates(Experimental Hip-Hop) Future-Monster(Rap) Nitty Scott MC- The Art Of Chill(Rap) Prhyme- Prhyme(Rap) Common-Nobody's Smiling(Rap) Shabazz Palaces- Lese Majesty(Rap) Mastodon- Once More 'Round The Sun(Metal)

2015 favs:

Kendrick Lamar- To Pimp a Butterfly(Rap) Tame Impala-Currents(Psych-Pop) Shlohmo- Dark Red(Electronic) Chelsea Wolfe- Abyss(Dark Wave) Dr. Dre- Compton(Rap) Joey Bada$$-B4.DA.$$(Rap) Protomartyr- The Agent Intellect(Post-Punk) Battles- La Di Da Di(experimental Rock) Girlpool- Before The World Was Big(Punk) Alabama Shakes- Sound & Color(Blues-Rock) Theesatisfaction- Earthee(rap) Square Pusher- Damogen Furies(Electronic) The Chemical Brothers- Born In The Echoes(Electronic) Earl Sweatshirt- I Don't Like Shit I don't go Outside(Rap) Grimes- Art Angels(Synth-Pop) Lupe Fiasco- Tetsu & Youth(Rap) Braids- Deep In The Iris(Electronic/Synth-Pop) Scarface- Deeply Rooted(Rap) Drake- If Your Reading This It's Too Late(Rap) Jay Rock- 90059(Rap) A$AP Rocky- At Long Last A$AP(Rap) Torche- Restarter(Sludge Metal) Aldo Calrissian- Future Shower Thoughts(Electronic) The Game- Documentary 2.5(Rap) Future- Beast Mode(Rap) Future- 56 Nights(Rap) Lana Del Rey- Honeymoon(Baroque pop) Adele- 25(Pop/R&B) Constant Deviants- Avant Garde(Rap)

2016 Favs:

A Tribe Called Quest-We Got It From Here...Thank You For Your Service(Rap) J. Cole-4 Your Eyez Only(Rap) Tacocat-Lost Time(Punk) Weezer-The White Album(Alternative) Danny Brown- Atrocity Exhibition(Rap) YG- Still Brazy(Rap) Schoolboy Q- Blank Face(Rap) Kendrick Lamar- Untitled Unmastered(Rap) BBNG- IV(Hip-Hop) Beyonce- Lemonade(R&B) Kamaiyah- A Good Night In The Ghetto(Rap) Solange- A Seat At The Table(R&B) Faxada- Cohost(Electronic) Celestial Sight- Through The Flat Fields(Electronic) Torae- Entitled(Rap) Kidaudra- Blue Human(Electronic) Aesop Rock-The Impossible Kid(Rap) Death Grips- Bottomless Pitt(Experimental Hip-Hop) Constant Deviants- Omerta(Rap) Man Bites Dog- Entertaining The World(experimental)-                  James Blake- The Colour In Anything(R&B) Drake- Views(Rap) Hivehead- Please Eat Ants(Punk) Damocles- Grizzly Neutron(Electronic) Kodachrome- Journey Into Imagination(Electronic) Lil Yachty- Lil Boat(Rap) Brooklyn White- One(Rap) Flatbush Zombies- 3001: A Laced Odyssey(Rap) Parquet Courts- Human Performance(Indie Rock) Run The Jewels- RTJ3(Rap)

2017 Favs:

DJ-V-The Mad, Mad, Maniac(Rap) Aldo Calrissian- Destroy All Bring New(Electronic) Cloud Nothings- Life Without Sound(Post-Hardcore) Honey Bones- Black(Electronic) Tops- Sugar At The Gate(indie rock) ZoThejerk & Frost Gamble- Black Beach(Rap) Metz- Strange Peace(Noise Rock) Lorde- Melodrama(Art Pop) Tone Chop & Frost Gamble- Respect Is Earned Not Given(Rap) Raekwon- The Wild(Rap) Big K.R.I.T-4eva Is A Mighty Long Time(Rap) Breakfast Muff- Eurgh!(Punk) Epiglottis-She Unravelled the Heavens and The Light Shone Through(Electronic) Jay-Z- 4:44(Rap) Protomartyr- Relatives In Descent(Post-Punk) Four Tet- New Energy(Electronic) Joey Bada$$- All Amerikkkan Bada$$(Rap) SZA- CTRL(R&B) Rapsody- Laila's Wisdom(Rap) Kendrick Lamar- DAMN(Rap Converge-The Dusk In Us(Metal/punk) Princess Nokia- 1992 Deluxe(Rap) Bibio- Phantom Brickworks(Electronic)

2018 Favs:

Reason-There You Have It(Rap) J.Cole- KOD(Rap) Pusha T- Daytona(Rap) Jay Rock- Redemption(Rap) Royce Da 5'9- Book Of Ryan(Rap) Meek Mill- Championships(Rap) Noname- Room 25 Jean Grae & Quelle Chris- Everything's Fine(Rap) Aphex Twin- Collapse EP(Electronic) Kidaudra- Pluto IRD(Electronic)https://kidaudra.bandcamp.com/ Dirty Projectors- Lamp Lit Prose(Experimental Rock) Black Panther: The Album(Rap) MGMT- Little Dark Age(Electronic) Hinds- I Don't Run(Indie Rock) Dream Wife- Dream Wife(Punk) Phryme- Phryme 2(Rap) Tone Chop & Frost Gamble- One(Rap) Cupcakke- Ephorize(Rap) Freddie Gibbs- Freddie Gibbs(Rap) Tierra Whack- Whack World(Rap) Flatbush Zombies- Vacation In Hell(Rap) Cardi-B- Invasion Of Privacy(Rap) Lil Wayne- Tha Carter V(Rap) 21 Savage- I AM > I Was(Rap) Kodak Black- Dying to Live(Rap)                                                     Logic- Young Sinatra IV(Rap) Converge- Beautiful Ruin EP(Metal/punk) Princess Nokia- A Girl Cried Red(Emo-Rap) Naked Giants-Sluff(Punk) Moaning- Moaning(Post-Punk) Chrome Panther- A Screaming Comes Across The Sky(Electronic) Shame- Songs Of Praise(Post Punk)

2019 Favs so far:

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib-Bandana(Rap)

Beast Coast-Escape From New York(Rap)

Styles P-S.P. the GOAT: Ghost of All Time(Rap)

Shlomo- The End(Electronic)

Avey Tare- Cows On Hourglass(Electronic)

Skinny Girl Diet- Ideal Woman(Punk)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jilotRrvtsQ

Dreamville- Revenge of the Dreamers III(Rap)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57ZNBRzhTv8

[pavlovers]

hello lad(ie)s i apologize for not being all that active for the past few weeks i have been spending my out-of-school hours sleeping, having feverish bouts due to a bad case of the flu/bronchitis/not sure tbh but im Sick, and doing midterm prep so ive just been a bit more exhausted than i usually am,, anyways just wanted 2 say that before thanking dear ol’ diana @britneyshakespeare for tagging me to do a thing, so here is that thing:

A. age - im 6teen, life is sweet when youre growing up so faaast you Gotta make the good times last!

B. birthplace - largest city in the US state connecticut

C. current time - 2:19 am as of posting (my sleeping schedule has still not been fixed clearly)

D. drink you last had - do i seem like the type of person who. consumes beverages that are not. woter

E. easiest person to talk to - my braincells r neat companions sometimes i suppose

F. favorite songs (currently) - hmm i was listening to fast as you can by fiona apple a lot a few days ago,, also i just very recently listened to anderson paak’s oxnard and hh tracks like tints and anywhere the california lust is realllll (im sorta thinking of moving in with my cousin and attending school there after i graduate high school)

G. grossest memory - any time i have ever gone 2 school on my period ever

H. horror yes or no - yeah i enjoy it i guess in the most basic sense. read/watched my goosebumps and my encylopedias of the supernatural as a kid. ive only really read a couple of horror novels and the horror-movies-ive-watched-list is severely lacking but yknow the very least i watch buzzfeed unsolved on a semi-regular basis

I. in love - dont know. dont care.

J. jealous of - people who can go an hour without hacking up half their lungs

K. kids - theyre kool little dudes. not interested in parenting one or multiple ones.

L. love at first sight or walk by again - don't have the personal experience to like. say shit so whatever u wanna believe man

M. middle name - ______

N. number of siblings - half sister, shes 21, barely know her

O. one wish - just wanna be done w high school already without like,, having 2 live thru the rest of it maybe?

P. person you last called - i dont call people

Q. question you always get asked - not a question but. old people like to go on about having old people friends that have the same name as me

R. random fact about you - the only friends i talk to during school are the sophomores at my lunch table who like to burst out random cody ko memes and the girl in my chemistry class who really likes cuffing her jeans and somehow understands delocalized molecular orbital theory

S. song you last sang - the hymn “just as i am” by charlotte elliot for choir class (we r singing a very jazzy arrangement of it its kinda cool)

T. time you woke up - 6:20 am unfortunately (was expecting un delayed opening for school today but snow day calculator fed me lies apparently. Sad!)

U. underwear color - yellow i think im not gonna check

V. vacation destination - been there many times already but like,, id like to go down 2 manhattan w my friend and spend the day w her!! we’ve talked about it many times bc theres nothing to do in southern ct when u cant driveTM but my parents are :// about it also with our dumb ap workloads we probably wouldnt be able to go until the summer

W. worst habit - being a real negative nancy

X. x-ray - had them, yeah. dentist obviously also that one time i went to the emergency room because i couldn't breathe and they wanted to know if there was something in my lungs

Y. your favorite food - i have been subsisting off purely congee for the past few weeks (that's not what it's called in my parents language so it's like weird calling it that but yeah basically rice but it's goopy)

Z. zodiac sign - 🦂

tagging: @murobrown @an-aviary-far-from-home @loneliness-rose @orchestralmanoeuvrez @home-in-orbis and anyone else who would want to i dont even know if ppl do tag things anymore so feel free to ignore if u don't and i tagged u