#iwearthemask

[moacha]

If I could tell you what this last week has been I would, but I literally cannot clearly articulate it right now. What I will say is as we prepare to close out 2016, I am grateful to be able to see it go and witness a new year. Doctors told my family and I that I wouldn't be here today and I am. I feel grateful, blessed, humbled and honored to be here. I realize now that I am here for a reason. God has a plan and a purpose for me that is bigger than the current state of my journey. Will someone just shout AMEN right now with me? Trust me, this is not easy. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! No one deserves to experience this, but God gave it to me because He knew He would be here to carry me through it. And that He is! I pray that I soar in 2017. I pray that God heals me. And if He doesn't, I pray that I stabilize enough so that I can enjoy life with no more pain and suffering. My mask game is strong. Most will never know or even believe what I really go through. 🙏🏿 Know that the mask is my source of strength and self-encouragement so that I can keep going on a daily basis. The stages of a butterfly are not simple nor fast...it takes time for the butterfly to break from their cocoon, spread their wings and fly. So, I also pray for my patience as I continue to transform. I trust God. I believe in my faith. The faith of a mustard seed. 💛 I pray that 2017 will be the end of this transformation, so that restoration can begin. 🦋 #MoachasJourney #Transformation #chronic2terminal #fight2live #pray #scripture #God #Isaiah40:31 #nye2016 #Restoration #healing #butterflylife #grateful #blessed #humble #strength #iwearthemask #love #faith #amen 💋

[moacha]

We are in the final stretch of 2016 and it HAS been a year. I prayed on my word of the year in December & January. The word that stuck to my soul was TRANSFORMATION. I have been asking God to not only transform the terminal prognosis that I received, but to completely transform my thoughts, my views, my ❤️...and all that is pleasing to His will. You know, I struggle every day! EVERY day!!! The pain is excruciating and deep. Yet I smile. I pick out the best mask I can find on a daily basis. Recently I have been asking God why am I fighting so hard? Why is the pain so deep? What difference does it make to persevere this storm if those I love, respect and cherish don't feel the same way about me? Lately I've been feeling like I'm "forcing" relationships and conversations. And so, I stopped. Closed my eyes. And remembered this morning (in the picture). I recalled the sounds...the waves, the birds. I recalled the smell. And how the sun felt against my skin. It is then when I remember that God's plan is pleasing. I need to be still and know that he is God and that His plan of transformation is what I want. NOT my crazy-ridiculous plan. I've learned a few things on this chronic-terminal journey. And one is to stop and smell the roses. 🌹 I'm going to be still for the next couple of months and allow God's plan to come to the forefront. #hallelujah #MoachasJourney #transformation #GodsWill #IWearTheMask #stopandsmelltheroses #scleroderma #systemicsclerosis #terminal #smile #chronicpain #plan #BeStill #BeachBehavior

[moacha]

When everything around me feels like it's crumbling around me, my God is ALWAYS here. I wear the mask. Each one I wear is flawless. But do not get my perfected skill of wearing these masks confused with what's constantly going on inside of me. The battle is real. The fight is ongoing. And it's with the grace of God that I am typing this now. Hallelujah! #MoachasJourney #God #IWearTheMask #shield #glory #flawless #mydailystruggle #battle #skill #youhavenoidea #tired #thisishard #prayersneeded #blessed

[survivinglifesstruggles]

I Wear The Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies, 

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,-

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile, [...]

-We Wear the Mask by Paul Laurence Dunbar

I know its probably some Tumblr cliche to have poetry in a post, but i've always felt a connection to this poem and how it fits into my life. I know, cliche, but its the truth.

I suppose, like many, I have been known as that happy, hyper girl. That girl who was always smiling, always laughing, always on her toes because she couldn't stay still for the life of her. I was the girl who would constantly act like an idiot to make a friend happy. I had many friends that ranged from athletes to the theater kids to the honors kids, easily fluttering from group to group. I was old reliable, the shoulder to cry on when things got tough, the one to give hugs. The one who would look back into a persons eyes after they say they are fine and say "Tell me the truth."

Oh, my mask was near perfect, for there were tiny cracks in it. I would get quiet, lost in my dark thoughts, and when caught I would simply say I was tired or say I was fine. No one ever told me to tell them the truth. No one could ever see the pain in my eyes or hear the screams from my lips. Not even my own family could see it until I told them. 

After all, I wear the mask.