#iwlg

[tirednerd2012]

Barley’s POV of the Last Chapter

WARNING: Contains attempted suicide attempt, please read with CAUTION. Barley’s POV of The Confession

The drive home was excruciatingly silent. Ian stared out the window and nothing Barley said or did would bring him out of the pain he was feeling. He wasn’t crying anymore, just staring blankly. His eyes were almost lifeless and that’s when Barley realized it had been too long since he had seen a true, genuine smile on Ian’s face or heard him laugh.

The moment the car stopped, Ian rushed to the door and then to his room. Barley was just able to get inside to hear his bedroom door slam shut and their mother looked from in the kitchen, confused.

“His magic isn’t working. He had a breakdown and then just stopped talking,” he explained, quietly. He didn’t want Ian to hear the worry in his voice.

He’d never heard of someone’s magic simply stopping on its own. Either the person didn’t know they had the ability to be a wizard, or they stopped using magic willingly. It was like Ian’s body just shut down, or his magic couldn’t tell what was going on anymore and stopped working. Kirk had forced him to perform spells and was going to go further into dangerous, dark magic territory. Maybe Ian’s magic, or his body or mind, couldn’t handle it, so it stopped. He wasn’t even sure if that was what was happening, but it made the most sense. It was a working theory.

“How bad was the breakdown?” his mom asked. Barley had trouble looking her in her eyes lately because of the exhaustion clearly in them. Another thing he couldn’t fix.

“I was able to calm him down, but if he can’t access his magic, I don’t see this getting better.”

“Maybe we try the therapist again?”

“He hasn’t shown any signs of improvement with the therapist, Mom. Maybe we need to find a different one?”

“I’ll look around,” she responded. “I do have to go to the store to get things for dinner. Can you keep an eye on him?”

“Yeah, yeah, I will. I’m about to go up there now,” Barley assured her. She gave him a hug and kiss before leaving and Barley mentally prepared himself for the pep talk. Everything would be fine. His book surely couldn’t contain all the answers, but that didn’t mean the answers weren’t out there, all they had to do was find them. It would be okay. Barley would find out what was going on.

He made his way up the stairs and noticed Blazey scratching at Ian’s door. A sudden panic washed over Barley and he started running up the stairs and towards Ian’s room. He busted the door open without knocking only to find his little brother with a kitchen knife to his wrists.

“Ian! What the hell are you doing?” he shouted as he ran over and snatched the knife out of Ian’s hand with one hand and then wrapped Ian up in on arm. Ian looked up at him with tears pouring down his eyes as he examined the room.

“I wasn’t here.”

“What?”

“I was back in the attic. With Kirk. He gave me the pocketknife.”

“No, that was a kitchen knife and what was it doing in your room? Ian, look at me,” Barley said. “What was a knife doing in your room?”

“Let me do it, Barley.”

“What?”

“Let me go. I never should have made it out of that attic. Let me finish it,” Ian pleaded. He tried to break from his brother’s grasp, but Barley held on to him while Ian kicked, screamed, struggled, cried, every part of a meltdown he had no idea how to treat. He held on until Ian eventually cried himself to sleep in his brother’s arms, begging him to let him kill himself. Barley didn’t speak once during it. He had no idea what to say. He just held on.

Their mom found them on the floor of Ian’s room, both tear-stained faced and Barley found himself unable to stop shaking no matter how hard he tried. He also found himself unable to let go of Ian or explain to their mother what just happened because he didn’t even understand it himself.

[tirednerd2012]

The Confession

TRIGGER WARNING: almost self-harm attempt, a lot of self-hatred and mentions of suicidal thoughts.

Ian gripped the familiar wood tightly, feeling his knuckles turning white. He tried again. And again. And again. Eventually, he felt two strong arms wrap around him and pull him back. He looked up and saw his older brother’s eyes, full of love and concern.

“Ian, it’s okay,” he said.

“How is it okay, Barley? I can’t-I can’t!” Ian tried to speak more, but suddenly he felt like his throat was closing and the world around him was shaking. He may have lost his balance without his brother’s support, who continued to hug him tightly and do his best to keep him grounded.

“It’s okay.”

“What’s happening to me?” Ian asked, but his brother didn’t seem to have an answer. “What is going on, Barley? I can’t use my magic no matter how hard I try. Something has to be wrong.”

“Maybe you have a magic block? I don’t know quite yet, Ian, but we aren’t going to accomplish anything today. Let’s just go home, okay?” Barley responded. Ian didn’t respond but allowed Barley to guide him back to the van. The older seemed to tower over him and any confidence Ian had before all of this happened had long disappeared.

They drove in silence for the most part. Barley tried to comfort Ian, to tell him he was okay, that they would figure it out. But Ian could see the uncertainty in his eyes. That fear. When you don’t know and Ian couldn’t tell who he was reassuring, himself or Ian. Barley would never tell Ian there was something wrong with him. Even before, he would just make suggestions on where his brother could boost himself up a bit. But he knew Barley would never tell him there was something wrong that they couldn’t fix. He couldn’t even admit that about what happened.

Ian didn’t say that, though. Why would he? To remind himself of how weak he was? How long he had been gone? Where was the point? All it would do is drive him deeper down into a place he knew he was and make Barley feel worse. It’s bad enough the oldest between the two of them held himself responsible for his disappearance. He couldn’t make it any worse than he already had.

Maybe he hadn’t survived. Maybe if Kirk killed him, things would be better. Yes, his family would grieve. Barley and their mother would be devastated, but it would be better than it is now. Better than the feeling of nothingness. This unknown. They would have closure. They could move on with their lives. Not wake up in the middle of the night to comfort him. Not wonder what they’re in for. They would know for certain, and while that had to hurt, at least the closure would provide them a way to move on. And he wouldn’t have to keep wondering himself. What was going to happen next. What he would remember today.

“Ian, you’re real quiet,” Barley said and snapped him back to reality. He hadn’t even had time to process. He had to put his own feelings aside time and time again for the sake of Ian.

“Just processing,” Ian responded. They pulled into the driveway and Ian quickly ran out of the car, into the house and to his bedroom. He shut the door and locked it. He just needed some alone time. Then he could force himself to have dinner with his family and pretend that everything is okay, right?

From downstairs, he could hear them. He couldn’t understand what they were saying, but he heard the hushed whispers, the concern. He could have sworn he heard his mother’s soft gasp. Barley was probably telling her everything. How he failed to do the one thing that made him useful to his community.

He closed his eyes, feeling the dread take over and sink him to the floor. His heart was racing fast before he registered it and when he opened his eyes, he was no longer in his room. He was back. The attic. The smell of alcohol and sweat overwhelmed him and someone appeared out of the shadows in the corner. Kirk.

He walked over to Ian, the same anger and hatred in his eyes as he grabbed the Lightfoot by the throat and slammed him against the wall. He slapped Ian across the face, causing his ears to ring and the pain set in, blurring his vision.

“How are you the last wizard? You can’t even stand,” he spat and kicked him in the ribs. “The news stopped reporting. I imagine Barley gave up looking for you.”

“No, he hasn’t.”

“Ian, it’s been over a month now. Tell me, where is he? Why hasn’t he come yet?” Kirk asked and Ian didn’t have an answer. “I think his life may actually be easier without you around.”

“That’s not true.”

“Really? He doesn’t have the responsibility to watch over you anymore. You’re not burdening him.”

“He’s not going to give up on me,” Ian said, but Kirk laughed and shook his head.

“I almost pity you, Ian,” he said and then brought out his pocketknife and tossed it over to the teenager as he went to leave. “If you thought this last month was a nightmare, you don’t want to know what you’re in for next. Maybe you should just do yourself a favor now.”

With that, Kirk was gone. Ian stared at the blade, the voice in his head promising peace. Relief. No more Kirk. Barley probably wasn’t coming anyway and that was for the best. He could finish it now.

“Ian, what the hell are you doing?!” Barley’s voice snapped him back into his bedroom. He looked down and saw he was clutching a knife in his hands, almost to his skin, but Barley had grabbed his wrist and threw the knife across the room. He yanked Ian forward, forcing him to lock eyes with him. “Ian?”

“Barley?”

“What-what were you- Ian, did you hurt yourself?” he asked and Ian stared down, then back at the room.

“I-I wasn’t here.”

“What?”

“I-I was back in the attic. Kirk was here. He was the one who handed me- but it wasn’t a kitchen knife, it was a pocketknife.”

“What was a kitchen knife doing in your room?” Barley asked, but Ian didn’t answer. He felt the warm stream of tears fall from his eyes to his cheeks and soon enough on Barley’s shirt as his older brother engulfed him an embrace. Ian sobbed against him. “Ian, bud, I want to help you, but I need you to tell me what’s going on.”

“I deserve to die.”

“What?”

“I shouldn’t have come out of that attic, Barley. I shouldn’t be alive. Please, please, let me set things right,” Ian begged, but Barley refused to let go. His brother held him there for what felt like hours. Ian cried, screamed and kicked, begging for Barley to just let him do it. All Barley did was hold him, crying at his brother’s requests, but didn’t let go. Ian eventually cried himself to sleep.

[tirednerd2012]

No Magic

As usual, Ian woke up with his heart racing and having to remind himself where he was. He stopped screaming and crying at night, but he still woke up. He had to force himself to be quiet and not wake Barley or his mom up yet again, though it was tempting. Barley would say he didn't mind, but Ian knew neither of them would say how much they were hurting.

He didn't sleep the rest of the night. Every time he tried to close his eyes, he felt he was back at his own personal hell. He could still hear Kirk's voice and feel his knife on his skin and he shuddered at the thought of it.

When the morning sun rose, he was up. Before this, he was not a morning person nor would he ever claim to be one, but now, it was rare to sleep in. You couldn't sleep in if you didn't sleep at all.

His staff leaned against the wall by his bookshelf, collecting dust. He wanted to throw it out, but Barley told him it was too valuable to do so and Ian would regret it if he did.

He got up and dressed after 9 so his family wouldn't notice how much earlier he had been waking up. Maybe he would bring it up in therapy, maybe he wouldn't. All he knew was he was tired of being so tired all the time.

"Good morning, sweetheart," his mom greeted him the moment he came down. Barley was at the table and he looked up at Ian like he wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say, so went back to looking at his board. He didn't look like he got much sleep the night before either.

"Morning, mom," he responded and made himself a bowl of cereal. He wasn't hungry, but they didn't need to know that.

"Any big plans for you boys today?" she asked.

"Not that I know of," Ian responded. Barley's silence was starting to become unsettling, but his brother wasn't as happy and loud as he was before Ian disappeared. He aged so much in just a few months.

"Why don't you two go do something? A quest? You two haven't done anything in forever," Laurel said and Barley once again looked up from his board.

"I'm not sure a quest will be that great of an idea, but we can go out and do something if you want, Ian," Barley finally spoke. He nodded and after breakfast, they climbed into the van. Ian looked in the back and saw his staff laying on the bean bag chair.

"Why my staff?"

"I think Mom put it here," Barley answered as he pulled out of the driveway. "She's worried about you. She said she hasn't seen you do any magic since you've been back and neither have I."

"I don't... Barley-."

"I know. I know, Ian, but at the same time, I'm not sure you can fully heal until you at least try."

"Where are we really going?"

"To the forest. No quest. Just... trying, okay?" Barley asked, gently. Ian hated the idea, but wasn't willing to argue about it. Not when he heard the stress in Barley's voice. The rest of the ride was silent. When they arrived, it was Barley who grabbed the staff and led Ian up to the hill.

"Barley."

"Ian, I'm going to be right here the entire time," Barley said, gently, as he put an arm around his little brother and hugged him tightly. "You're safe now. Kirk can't use your powers and no one else can besides you. You're in control. It's time you felt like you were in control again."

"I can't stop thinking about him."

"And you're not going to forget what happened, but you and I can make sure no one makes you feel this way again. I'm here, Ian, and I know you can do it. Even the tiniest spell. We need to take that step forward," Barley said.

He looked his older brother in the eyes and saw his exhaustion. His lack of sleep. His stress. He had been home for two months now and this is all the brothers had to show for it? Barley was right. The next step needed to be made.

He took a few steps forward, remembering how his staff felt in his hands. The now smooth from wear wood felt natural in his palm. He took a deep breath and tried to lift a stick nearby. His heart sank when nothing happened. He tried again and again to use the easiest spell he knew.

His voice was hoarse and tears were spilling down his face as he collapsed to the ground and Barley immediately wrapped both arms around him in a hug and tried to sooth him, but it was pointless.

He couldn't do it.

[tirednerd2012]

In a way, seeing Lauren's perspective is scarier than seeing Barley's. It's never easy seeing a mother having to watch her children suffer.

The last seven months have been pure hell for Laurel. She couldn’t sleep, eat or function in any way with the mere idea of what was going on with her youngest. Colt had tried to comfort her, but nothing besides her sons could. And her oldest was tearing himself apart. He fought so hard just to try to get to Ian, he put his health on the line multiple times and refused treatments.

Relief and pain were strange to mix together. Seeing Ian in the hospital bed, alive, immediately brought tears to her eyes that day, but she noticed the change in Barley right away. He would hover over both of them, hardly even allowing Colt to get too close.

Colt told her later on what happened. Someone killed Kirk by the time police arrived, and everyone knew who did it. Colt made sure there wouldn’t be too much attention drawn to Barley or Ian, which she appreciated it.

She tried not to cry every time she tried to sleep at night just to hear Ian’s screams, just like when he was in the hospital. He had been there for a few days after he was found to make sure he was healthy enough to go home.

It was the third night of Ian’s stay at the hospital. He had been put on a watch because he was unstable. He panicked several times, but Barley and her would be able to calm him down. All Barley had to do was wrap both arms around Ian and hold him until his breathing calmed. Laurel would run her hand through her son’s hair and whisper to him that he’s safe.

She finally convinced Barley to go home and get some sleep. Her oldest was galling apart and it broke her heart. He argued against it, but eventually his own exhaustion took over and Colt drove him home because Barley could barely stand up straight.

It was just her and Ian, who was sleeping peacefully. She held his hand and kept playing with his hair, soothing him as much as he needed. But that didn’t stop this panic attack.

Ian woke up screaming, desperately trying to get out of the bed. Laurel tried her best to calm him, but he didn’t seem to hear her or register what she was saying. He didn’t know where he was.

He ripped out his IV’s and nurses ran in and ended up sedating him. He looked at her as the exhaustion clouded his eyes once more before he closed them and fell against the bed. She sobbed alone for hours after the nurses left.

Ian hadn’t spoken a lot since he came home. He stuck close to them, especially Barley. Her boys were falling apart. Barley was trying to hide it for Ian’s sake, but everyone noticed how badly he would jump whenever the door opened. The dark circles hadn’t left his eyes and she knew he didn’t sleep. He listened to the house, ready for anything.

She convinced them both to go to therapy. The doctor recommended it while Ian stayed at the hospital.

“Mom?” Ian broke her out of her thoughts. She looked up from the TV that she wasn’t even watching to look at her youngest son.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“I missed you,” he said and then sat beside her and hugged her. She felt his tears wet her shoulder, but she hung on to him.

“I missed you, too, baby. I missed you so, so much.”

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed there. But Barley came in after his own appointment and sat on the other side of her and hugged both of them tightly. No one dared let go.

[tirednerd2012]

New Masterlist! Last Updated 1/17/22

Hi guys! Here’s the new Masterlist.

Onward 

EIGTBO:

Still in effect:

Intro

Nightmare

Snow Day

Sick

Stress

Funeral

Camping

Tickle Fight

Hospital

Lost in the Grocery Store

Someone from the Past (I know Jenny is still in it, but she’s not the main focus).

Cuddles

A Family Full of Love

Fracture

Birthday

Overworked

Bullying

Cruel 

No longer in effect:

Fellow Dad

Jenny and Leo

Nightmares featuring Jenny

The Future

Quests of Yore

Protect

Waking Up

Kirk in EIGTBO

Said You Wouldn’t Come

IWLG:

Drew

The Breakup 

Kidnapped

Returning Home

Nightmares

Prank Gone Wrong

Kirk

Finding Ian

Safe for Now

Break In

Always Watching

Safe House

Safe House 2

Safe House 3

Missing

Barley Finds Out

The Beginning

Still Missing

You’re Safe

What He Did

A Mother

No Magic

WHIH:

Potions

Stalked

Fire and Almost Dying

Watching His Brother Almost Die 

I’m Fine

Barley Will Always Fix It

Panic Attack

Stand Alones:

Always Help You Up

Bullied

Sick with Little Barley and Little Ian

Fainting

Fighting Trent

Big Hero 6

Embarrassment

Letterkenny

Good Buddy

The Break Up

[tirednerd2012]

IWLG Second Part, Ian goes Missing

“Barley, listen to me, you’re going to be okay, okay? I promise! I’m right here, I’m right here, Barley. I’m not leaving you. Kirk’s gone. It’s fine,” Ian kept talking, but he wasn’t sure if it was for his sake or his brother’s that he was. He managed to stop most of the bleeding.

A car drove by and came to a rough stop. Two cyclops jumped out.

“Well, two elves, that’s definitely them,” one said. The girl looked over at her partner and rolled her eyes before kneeling down beside Ian.

“Excuse my idiot brother. My name is Taena, and this is Randil. We are friends of Corey, and we are here to help. You must be Ian, and this is Barley, correct?” she asked in a very gentle voice. Randil looked around at their surroundings, gripping his sword tightly.

“Yes,” Ian answered. The girl nodded and looked over Barley.

“We need to get him to the hospital, okay? Randil, help me get him up, but be careful. Ian, get in the truck.”

“How do you know Corey?”

“She helped us out of a rough situation. We don’t know much about what’s going on, we were just told to get to you,” Randil answered, somewhat impatiently. Ian rolled his eyes.

“We can call her if that would make you feel better. I need to wrap Barley’s wound anyway,” Taena offered, and Ian nodded, bringing out the phone Corey gave Barley and called her.

“Barley, what’s-?”

“It’s Ian. Barley’s hurt, but did you send two cyclops to help us?”

“Yes, Taena and Randil. What do you mean Barley’s hurt?”

“He… Kirk tried to shoot me, and Barley took it instead and now he needs a hospital and-,” Ian stopped upon hearing his voice crack.

“It’s okay. Look, you can trust them. I will be there as soon as I can, but I still have a few hours of traveling. So does your mom and Colt,” Corey said. “It’ll be okay. I promise, okay?”

“Alright, just hurry, please.”

Three hours later, Ian sat beside his older brother, who was in the hospital bed clinging to life. He lost a lot of blood, apparently, but they got a blood transfusion in the process. He desperately wished he knew some kind of spell that could save him.

The doctors also treated his basic wounds and gave him something for his pain. Now the exhaustion was taking over and making it difficult to even hold on to his staff. His mom and Colt were coming down now, but they would be a few more hours. Corey was closer than them, but she would still be another 3 or so.

Barley still hadn't woken up. Ian squeezed his hand once more, but there was no sign that Barley could even respond to it if he wanted.

“Bar, I wish you didn’t take that hit for me,” he said. “I mean, I know you want to protect me, and I know you do it because you love me. But I-I can’t be the reason for something terrible happening to you. Please. Just be okay.”

He never got a response. Randil and Taena were talking to Corey on the phone somewhere, and now that he felt that he was truly alone, he sobbed. He cried until he couldn’t breathe. He cried until his chest hurt and he could barely see. Everything in him ached and made him want to disappear.

This was his fault. Barley was just protecting him because a lunatic was after him. And Barley couldn’t handle the idea of something bad happening to his little brother. He wished he was never born, because at least then Barley wouldn’t have to sacrifice himself for him.

Kirk was still after him, too. And now, without Barley around, Ian knew he didn’t stand much of a chance. But when Barley woke up, he knew that his older brother would stop at nothing to find him and that made him more sick than the idea of Kirk getting him. Barley was reckless with his life when it came to Ian. If anything happened, it would be Ian’s fault.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mistake, Barley. I wish I was never born,” he confessed to his brother’s sleeping form. He wiped his eyes and finally felt the exhaustion hold his body hostage and before he knew what was going on, he fell asleep.

He woke up and his staff was gone. He looked up and saw Kirk standing there in the doorway, gun in one hand and Ian’s staff in the other.

He jumped up and went towards Barley, but Kirk held the gun up.

“Move and I’ll kill him,” Kirk warned, taking the safety off his gun and pointing it at Barley, who was still unconscious. Ian stopped and Kirk smiled. “Now, Ian, I’m going to let you choose how this is going to go down. Either you come with me, willingly, or I’ll kill your brother. The same one who just took the first bullet for you.”

“You knew he would do that, didn’t you?” Ian snapped. “You want me alive for whatever reason and you knew Barley wouldn’t put my life on the line.”

“Of course I did. I do need you alive, but I don’t need him. In fact, life is going to be a lot easier for me once I kill him.”

“No. Don’t,” Ian said. He looked over at Barley again and then sighed. “I’ll go with you.”

“Good, that’s what I thought,” Kirk responded. “Now, come on. We’re leaving.”

“Fine, just get that gun away from him,” Ian said. Kirk laughed as Ian walked over towards him. He lowered the gun and then put it away. Ian caught one last look at Barley before willingly going with Kirk.

I’m so sorry, Barley. Please, don’t come after me.

[tirednerd2012]

What He Did (IWLG)

Trying a different writing style here because Barley is very dissociated right now. Warning for death and a lot of angst on Barley’s part.

“Do you blame yourself for what happened, Barley?” the therapist asked, after a few moments of silence. Barley cursed in his head. Why had his mom insisted he do this? He wasn’t the one that was missing for months.

“Barley, this is a safe space,” the therapist said. He couldn’t remember her name. He really didn’t want to be here.

“It was my fault. I was the one who let Kirk in the house. That’s on me,” he responded. There were pity in her eyes. Better than the fear he could have sworn he saw when she was reading over his file. He admitted to the crime of killing Kirk. Of course, his step dad was the one handling the report and those who came to the house that night agreed, Kirk got what he deserved.

Barley still couldn’t believe he had done what he did. All the worry and anger he felt over the last seven months of his little brother missing, wondering if he would ever see him again, everything unleashed. Kirk didn’t stand a chance by the time Barley got there.

His old friend’s dead body isn’t what haunts his mind most of the time, though. It was finding Ian trapped in that attic. He looked so small, curled up in a corner. He looked at Barley, his older brother and best friend, with the eyes of a stranger.

He looked terrified, as if he was contemplating if Barley was real or not.

“Barley,” the therapist said, getting his attention again. He looked back up at her. “Do you really think you could have predicted this?”

“No.”

“You haven’t forgiven yourself for something beyond your control.”

“He was gone for months. And now, Ian’s changed forever. I wasn’t there to protect him.”

“Who said it was your sole purpose in life to protect your brother?”

“I did. I protect my family,” Barley responded, just as quickly.

“Why do you give yourself that responsibility?”

“Because they’re everything to me.”

“Does this have something to do with your father you think? You were the man of the house for years after that,” she said. Barley’s heart stung and he stood.

“I’m sorry, but I think I’m done for today,” he said and left before she could protest. He didn’t need this. He knew where his struggles were, but that didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was staying by Ian and this stupid appointment was keeping him from his little brother. After months of separation, an hour felt unbearable.

He drove home with everything yet nothing on his mind. He was working on pure muscle memory and when he walked in his house, he felt a weight off his shoulders. Ian darted down the stairs.

“Barley, you’re home early,” he said.

“Yeah, didn’t have much to talk about,” he lied. He wasn’t sure if Ian could tell or not, but his brother didn’t say anything. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay, Barley,” Ian promised, and the elder Lightfoot nodded and hugged him tightly. “It’s okay.”

“Yeah, I know,” Barley said.

Luke’s friend, Matt, ended up coming forward when he heard the news report about Ian and the police officially announced Kirk as the main suspect. It took awhile because Matt himself went into hiding after the death of his friend, but when he learned Kirk was trying to hurt someone else, he found it impossible to stay hidden.

That’s how Barley ended up in front of an old house that Kirk’s biological father owned. Apparently died years ago and the house was supposed to be abandoned, which made it a perfect spot. He should wait on Colt, but he couldn’t wait another second. 7 months.

He walked in the house and found that it could have been abandoned. The living room furniture had been flipped over ages ago and a thick layer of dust covered almost everything. Barley could have turned around, but he noticed footprints among the dust. He had to be careful not to step on broken glass from bottles, but he made his way to the kitchen next. He made sure to be quiet and sure enough, Kirk was there. His back was turned and he obviously hadn’t heard Barley come in.

Every emotion he felt came at once. Anger, worry, yet the tiniest bit of relief and hope because Ian had to be here and he wasn’t leaving without him. Without thinking, he attacked Kirk from behind.

“Barley?” Ian asked and snapped Barley back to reality. “You look tired. Maybe you should go lay down?”

“Um, yeah, yeah, you’re right,” Barley responded. He felt like it wasn’t him in his own body, like he was just watching from the sidelines. His head was spinning, and his stomach turned as he remember what he did. “Is mom home?”

“Yeah, she’s in the backyard.”

“Are you going to be okay if I lay down for about an hour? You can wake me up if you need me,” Barley said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay,” Ian said. This kid was too brave for his own good. But, Barley nodded and went into his bedroom, but he left the door opened.

He slammed Kirk’s head against the counter immediately. Blood poured from his forehead and he spun around and his eyes widened with horror at the sight of Barley. Only, Barley didn’t feel like himself. He felt like someone had replaced his own nature with a different one and this asshole was going to pay for what he did, regardless of what anyone had to say.

Kirk hit him. A few good times, but nothing stuck. He didn’t feel anything besides rage. The two fought for what seemed like hours. Barley punched, kicked, did everything in his power to make Kirk feel pain and he’s sure both of them knew Kirk was going to die there.

He wasn’t sure how he got ahold of the knife. He still doesn’t remember picking it up or sticking it in Kirk’s chest. All he can remember is the gasp. That gasp and then the blood everywhere as Kirk collapsed against him.

“Barley? Barley?” Ian shook him and when he looked up, he saw the worry and concern clouded in his baby brother’s eyes. For a moment, Barley forgot where he was, but then he remembered he was in his bedroom. He was home. They were home.

“I-I…” he didn’t know what to say, or if anything really could be said. Ian threw his arms around Barley in a tight hug and he gratefully returned it, feeling the tears now freely pour down his face.

[tirednerd2012]

You’re Safe (IWLG)

Ian darted up with a jolt of energy, for a moment forgetting where he was. For a split second, he was convinced he was back in that attic, trapped and alone. But as he glanced around and felt a slight pressure on his knee, Blazey, fast asleep still despite Ian’s movement, he realized he was in his bedroom.

“Okay, Ian, you’re okay. You’re home. Kirk’s dead, Barley is downstairs, Mom is next door. You’re safe. You’re home. It’s okay,” he repeated to himself quietly, something his therapist recommended when this happened. Blazey was now awake and saw her owner’s distress and curled beside him, her head on his chest. He sighed and hugged the dragon tightly, feeling the tears prickle in his eyes.

He had only been home a week. He was honestly surprised Barley allowed him to be alone, but he had been seeing a therapist, too, and neither of them talked about what had been discussed behind the closed door.

He tried to go back to sleep. He really did. He tossed and turned for the following hour, but every time he closed his eyes, he felt the pressure of Kirk against him, hitting him, trying to force him to bring Luke back.

Luke. Someone who didn’t deserve the fate he got. He was a victim of a horrible, silent, unknown to the world, crime. He doubted Kirk meant to kill him that night, but it didn’t matter what was intended, only what happened.

He should have died, too. Had Barley not saved him after all those months, he would have. Barley. Who didn’t give up on him and even after he did. Ian lost all hope. He didn’t deserve to live after that. Barley was taking so long he just thought for a moment that his brother gave up on him.

Ian, without much thinking, got up and walked downstairs to his older brother’s room. He creaked the door opened and wasn’t too surprised to see that Barley was awake too. He had a grip on his sword as he glanced out the window but lowered it upon seeing his little brother.

“What are you doing up?” Barley asked, in a soft and concerned voice. Ian could no longer hold back the tears and he ran into his brother’s arms. Barley immediately caught him and held him tightly.

“You didn’t give up.”

“I never would. Not until you were back home,” Barley assured. “It’s okay, little brother, you’re okay. You’re home. You’re safe. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

He missed Barley’s hugs and his mom’s. He missed their voices. He missed everything about them. But he missed this. Barley hugging him. Barley’s affection. Kirk tried to mirror it, maybe because he started to see Luke instead of Ian, but Barley was safe. He was a rock. These days there was no one else that comforted the younger Lightfoot. All he wanted was his older brother.

“Ian,” he said softly. “I’m never going to let anyone ever hurt you again. You are safe, okay? You’re home, where you belong. Nothing is going to hurt you here.”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Barley said, and Ian could have sworn he heard his brother’s voice cracked, but he didn’t look up, instead just hugged him tighter. They stayed there for a while. It was not uncommon these days. That’s how long hugs lasted now.

But he didn’t complain. Instead, he just let himself feel safe in his brother’s arms. Finally.