Feeling some type of way so I'm having a messy little ramble
I wish I'd never told anyone my internal age as a part. I appear as a child, not very young, more like 8/9. I know that this is how I appear, but I bugs me.
I may be a young appearing part but I've been around a hell of a long time, I know a lot of things I shouldn't have can do a lot that I shouldn't be able to. And yet when I get stressed or upset it complain about my lot of having to 'adult' it's meet with a dismissal and sometimes a call for 'asking actual adult parts to help' which seems like an ok thing to say.
But what it feels like, is that my reactions and responses however similar to other parts they may be are automatically seen as immature and needing to be removed.
There's a sense here about protecting me as I'm some inner child type, which is ok, but it ignores that I lived through trauma I can't talk about, that I don't speak about. I hold onto memories and feelings that are dark and depressing... I've lived through more than any child should have to, but I grew up mentally. Physically my appearance stayed small, but mentally I had to start thinking and acting as an adult, I go to work, look after the body, pay rent. All that sorry of adult stuff I can do, and at a passable level it wouldn't appear out of the ordinary
So this need to see me as some small broken thing to be protected who should only be positive and happy and having a great childhood, is awful. Because I never had a childhood. We never had one. Out of every 'regular team/ day-to-day operations part' I am the youngest. But I still do it. And I do it knowing that any crack of pressure I show is dismissed based on this appearance. The things I see when I close my eyes I would not wish upon anyone, and yet when I act as anything other than a little kid that is seen as weird and other. Like no kid has ever grown up too fast.
Our past made me small, and young. But it also made me capable of dealing with adult things and I hate that it is diminished or I'm told that an older part should be handling it. Of all of our parts I'm actually one of the most destructively minded unto myself, thoughts of harm frequent my thoughts and it's a constant battle.
I'm just too little too have these issues I must be the sweet happy bubbly uwu child all the time, they must be the default because I'm little. /S
It makes me angry, I want people to understand that while I'm small and young, I'm not actually physically a child, and my thoughts, feelings and reactions should not be dismissed or seen as lesser because of my internal appearance... I also have pink hair in bunchies and like wearing dresses, that doesn't make me a girl. Deciding who I am based on something like that gets to me, I can't grow up! I've tried! But I'm stuck! I just want to be treated like the other working/daily life parts, with a little compassion... Is that such a tall order?
