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So one of my aunts is selling me one of her old cars and she was supposed to come down this morning but she can't and I'm kind of like, "ugh it's been like 2 months since we've discussed this car business" but I feel bad for thinking that since she said she can bring it tomorrow and like... yeah. I hope she comes through tomorrow because I'm hoping to go to First Friday in Lincoln on the 4th with Sky (if she's able to because work). :T
I need to get another job. Work studying doesn't get me much since I can only get in like... 8 hours of work a week. I need the money so I can get car insurance and tires for the car I'm getting from my aunt and I need the car before November but I don't know any place I could work just weekends and living in a small freaking town doesn't help my case.
OHMYGOD I WAS SEDUCTIVELY LICKING MY YOGURT LID AND SOMEONE WALKED BY SO I QUICKLY SHOVED IT AGAINST MY FACE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE I WASN'T TRYING TO BE SEDUCTIVE AND I GOT YOGURT ALL OVER MY NOSE AND ALMOST INHALED THE LID.
I really hate it when my period is late. I always think I'm pregnant with the new baby Jesus or something -_-
I just realized that internally, I'm really bitter towards people my age or younger who are married, happy, and are cute with their significant other. Like wow, why can't I be in a cute relationship like that???
Then I realize I'm a depressed weirdo who has anxiety and extremely low self-esteem and feels like they'll never amount to anything so to make myself feel better about my life as a single person I run a dumb blog where I complain about things like this.
I really want to go on a date with a certain someone. Like go out to eat or go on a walk to a park and swing... something like that. But can't. This makes me very sad.
Hrng. I forgot my phone downstairs :T
I'm not having the best of days lately and I am going to vent/get stuff out. You may read if you wish, but it's long and full of life's shit going on with me and I would rather not trouble anyone with them. That's the last thing I want to do.
I don't even know where to begin... I guess maybe my frequent emotional breakdowns will do. Lately, I've been having them a lot. I'll just start crying and the damned tears won't stop. I know Friday's breakdown was because I discussed some things with Sky that I've never shared with anyone before and it terrified and freaked me out. I felt sick and almost vomited. During that whole time, I was bawling and having slight convulsions because that's how emotional I was. It's just getting worse and I really hate it. I hate crying. Not because it can be seen as weak, I don't care about that. I don't like crying because when I start, it's hard for me to stop and I've blacked out from crying before. It's not fun. This is something that's just been going on with me lately and I really wish it would stop. Granted, I know I have these breakdowns because I don't open up to people about stuff very often, if ever. Like, okay my closest friends could write an autobiography about me, but they don't know everything that hides in the corners and shadows. They don't know what I actually feel 90% of the time. I bottle things up and throw them in those shadows and crevices that are in my soul. Because of that, my emotions build up and I just... break down. All of those bottles break and mush together. Words escape me and I end up in tears because I don't know what to do. I don't know... what to do.
Going along with these bottled up emotions, I hide a lot from people. Family, friends, strangers. I then try to please others instead of myself. I admit it. I try to help people smile genuine smiles. I listen when needed, talk when I feel the time is right, and try to understand things, so I ask questions. That's what I do... I can't help it if I tried. I've always been like that. But... of recent my timing has been way off and so have my words. I upset a couple people I truly care about yesterday because of it, and I feel like shit. I shouldn't, though. I know that. I shouldn't be here to please others before myself, but that's what I do. When I can't help or please them, but upset them or make them angry, I feel like shit. I don't like it when people are upset and angry. I don't. Part of it is because I have my childhood to thank, another the wanting to please/help others... but a large fraction is because I don't want people to feel the things I feel most of the time. That's why I try to help people... and please them before myself. I try to be there for the people I care about and they walk all over me. My sister (the one I don't live with) talked to be last night about her breaking up with her boyfriend and I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said no, but then she did open up a little bit. I said something and it triggered her to be angry at me and she started getting defensive and upset at me. I felt guilty about it because I did that. I caused her to be upset at me because of what I said. The same thing happened with a friend and he, I'm pretty sure, is very upset and angry at me... and because of what I said and did, I may have caused a rift in our friendship. I didn't empathize with him at first, but instead went into interrogation mode and started asking questions about the stuff he was talking to me about. I tried to see them from all angles, and he got upset at me because I didn't empathize with him before asking questions, some of them a little personal and a majority (if not all) were not about him, but another person whom he isn't very fond of. I was trying to understand that person a little more, so I asked questions, but because of that, he got upset and a bit angry with me. I didn't mean for that to happen, either... and I feel like shit about it because I don't like it when people I care about are upset and angry at me, as I've stated. And then I attempted to patch up what had been said and done as best as I could, but I don't think it did anything... I just hope we're still friends and that he tries to understand why I say and do the things I do. Yes, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time sometimes and I'm sorry about that... but I'm only human. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect, not even close. I know this, but... people see it as a flaw in me I guess because I usually appear as a happy, go-lucky person who seems to have a very nice life. I mean, I do have a nice life, so to speak... but there are inner turmoils that are always fighting within me. I just... Ugh. I don't want to lose another person in my life because of the things I say. I'm getting tired of it and am to the point where I feel like I shouldn't have any friends, at all... Just cut them out of my life, move out of my sister's and brother-in-law's basement, and get away from everything here in Nebraska. Be alone for the rest of my life. Never befriend anyone, never getting close to others... I think that would help everyone. I wouldn't be saying things to upset people. I would be keeping my damned 'understanding' and 'helping' motives from them. I would be saving them from myself and suffer in silence like I do now. I am just... tired of hurting the people I care about. Call me a doormat about all of this. I honestly... I just don't care. Don't agree with what I've said? Well, you didn't have to read this but I am sorry you are feeling that way.
I... ugh. I don't even know any more. I hate myself. I really. Fucking. Hate. Myself. More than anyone could ever imagine. Hate. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. Why do I have to be this way?! Why do I have to try to understand and help others so much...? Why do I always tell people, "If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here." and put on a smile to help calm them down a bit? Why do I do any of the fucking things I do for others when I know... when I know eventually I will say something that I normally don't say and they will get upset with me.................................................................................................why... Why do I willingly throw myself out there for others....... People say it's because I'm a doormat... sure. Whatever. You can think that all you want..... I guess in some aspect, I am. Sorry. But you know what? Sometimes people NEED someone like me, even though it hurts me more than people assume. I try to take all that pain and misery, tattered relationship stuff, emotions, doubts, hatred, anger, everything negative... and help that person out by listening to them and understanding them... That's all I do, and sometimes people take that for granted or get defensive because I am trying to understand them and they aren't used to someone who is WILLINGLY wanting to do that. They become scared... angry even... defensive and they get upset with me and start saying mean things to me. It may not seem that mean. Just a "That's not what I meant and you know it" or "Whatever" do upset me in a non-angry way... it makes me sad and I feel guilty about everything I've ever said to them. It seems dumb, but that's just how I am. People don't always like that about me... and in all honestly, I don't either. I hate myself because I try to understand things and help people so much.
And right now, my sister and brother-in-law are in my room talking to me. My sister told me to stop being so hard on myself... ha. hahahaha.... like that will ever happen... I've always been hard on myself, Jessie... that's kind of how I get through life. It's a negative way to get through life, but it's something and that's all I've really ever had. Most of this comes from my childhood and the environment I was exposed to and the friendships I lost when I was young. It's all very personal, though... stuff I don't like talking about. The things I talk about are usually positive and that's just to cover up how much negativity is inside me and to make it so people don't worry about me. That's just how I am. I try to be the positive person that's there for everyone and am worried about others, but I don't want others to worry about me. I don't like it when others worry about me, that's my job. It's my job to worry about others, that's how I see it. I will worry and care about people and be there for them and try to understand things whether they like it or not. I won't always say the right things at the moments you want them to be said. I will always interrogate so I have insight and understanding from every single angle. People will get uncomfortable with that and become defensive and angry at me. I'm sorry. I am sorry that I make you angry and upset by trying to understand and see things from every angle. I don't always have an opinion or empathy at first, especially if the topic is one that is HUGE and has been there for years for that person. I will try to understand everything about it and then attempt to help, whether it be empathizing with that person or helping to repair a broken relationship or anything. Sometimes my helping is just listening to them. All I know is, I won't be changing. This is who I am, even though I hate it most of the time because I have lost so many people because of it.
There's this saying, "Those who care don't matter and those who matter don't care". It applies to people and their personalities and decisions... well, it doesn't apply to me. Yes, there are people whom I hold dearly who do care about these things I do and get upset with me. I am sorry. I will always be sorry about that. But I can't allow it to /not/ get to me in some way. I can't brush it off if people are upset with these because I care about them and want them in my life. However, I will not change the fact that I will try to understand and get insight on stuff. It's who I am and who I will always be. I know this for a fact because I've actually tried to not be like that before... I didn't even feel like me and I freaked out.
So yeah... I don't know if any of this makes sense to whoever decides to read all this stupid shit that I put down. The point is, I try so hard to help and understand others in my way and that can lead to them being angry/upset with me and I hate myself because of that aspect. I don't want people to be angry/upset with me, especially if I care deeply about them. I put myself down every day because of this aspect about myself. I want to be there for everyone and understand because in today's society, there are very few people who are willing to do that. I appear as a doormat to some, walked on all the time. I let the simplest things get to me but I bottle them up until I have a breakdown and then all those millions of bottles explode and I just hate myself even more. I feel guilty about the smallest things and things I shouldn't even feel guilty about.
In other news, I owe my school around 1,500 dollars for this coming semester and I know I'm going to have to ask for a cosigner to get a small loan to pay it off and I hate asking for help, but I know I'm going to have to in order to continue my education and graduate next year. I also have to pay for my insurance, credit card bill, I own Jessie and Jon a lot of money (even though they pay for things willingly... I keep personal IOUs towards them and over the months of them paying for my phone bill and letting me stay in their basement, I pry owe them around a thousand dollars. They won''t ask for it, but I will give it back to them at some point). But I just started back with my work study.. but I'm still struggling financially. I'm doubting my major and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I thought I had it planned out, but right now, I am so confused with life and don't know what to do or where to go. I don't know. I just. Don't. Know. And I feel like giving up on everything and letting everyone be angry and upset with me. And just..... going away... far away...
This is just some stuff that's been on my mind of recent and I needed to get it out. Please, if you read this, don't reply to it.
