#jamestunia

[foursaints]

ok i’ll draw tunypot. whatever

[stegulus]

tuneypot

It's raining on prom night, my hair is a mess It's running all over my taffeta dress It's wilting the quilting on my Maidenform And mascara flows right down my nose, because of the storm I don't even have my corsage, oh gee It fell down a sewer with my sister's ID

imagine if you had a younger sister, right, and she was perfect, so beautiful, and she had shiny red hair and always smelled good, like warm hay, and when you were thirteen and she was eleven she got a letter, telling her she's literally magical. and so she goes away, and when she comes back at eighteen she brings a perfect boyfriend with her, and they get engaged at the family christmas, maybe, he goes down on one knee after asking your dad, and they're the perfect couple, beautiful and so fucking right together. and you're still living at home, and your last boyfriend was three years ago, and you're mousey-brown and bland to your sister's vibrancy, her literal magic (i cannot stress enough how magical she is), she's effortless with everything, it all drops into her lap and she spins straw into gold every time. and everything you do takes work, it takes effort, and you try so hard. and then one day you catch your little sister's husband looking at you. and you catch it again. and he starts talking to you, little comments, i like your hair today, so you wear it like that for a full month, but he doesn't say it again. you start wearing shorter skirts around the house, he'll clench his fists when you rise up on your tiptoes to greet him, kiss him on the cheek like a good sister in law; what's that perfume, and you douse yourself in cheap chemist rose-scented eau de toilette, and it kind of smells bad on your skin, but he said he liked it, and you don't even know why you're doing this, why you're even entertaining it, except that your little sister has taken everything you thought you were going to be and eaten it up, digested it and shat it out and left nothing, nothing, for you, and her husband is looking at you hungrily, like you're something he'd eat up, like you're something he can't figure out even though you're being hideously obvious, shamelessly so, you puzzle him, and fuck, if that doesn't send a thrill down your spine.

and that's how it starts.

playlist

[asphodelevans]

James & Petunia who meet at Sev & Lily's wedding, get a bit too drunk and wake up in the same bed

[stegulus]

jamestunia thoughts. they bring out the worst in each other in REALLY fascinating ways. they both are in my mind the MOST invested in fulfilling their own gendered roles and expectations out of every one of the characters, and in a way it makes perfect sense that they’re drawn to one another. except…. james will never be the hypersuccessful american-psychoesque businessman with an immovable six pack and endless patience for any number of “feminine wiles” that petunia can throw at him. likewise tuney will never be able to live up to the perfect mother-wife that james has in his head— BECAUSE THE TWO OF THEM ARE JUST PEOPLE….. because james is rich and doesn’t HAVE to work so he doesn’t climb the ladder so tuney can’t live out her dream of being a high powered businessman’s wife (think of the fantasies of homemaking being lived out with vernon….) they both are embroiled in a million affairs. i think jamestunia could end one of two ways. EITHER it’s a betty and don draper situation where they stay together forever and are utterly miserable for eternity (not unattractive) OR.. they break up and through that distance realise they miss one another not for what they represented but for who they are. tuney misses james’ stupid jokes, cooking her posh lunches for no reason at all, stealing her cigs and sneaking into the shower with her in the morning, “it’ll save time!” and he washes her hair. james misses tuney’s laugh, the real one where she snorts a bit, he misses lying in bed together and gossiping about the neighbours, he misses when she’d take his glasses right off his face and clean them for him, tutting and making faces at him…….. they get back together and nothing is perfect but they see each other clearer than ever before. jamestunia makes them worse and then better

[stegulus]

petunia having those dorky post it notes on her mirror that say shit like 'you're beautiful' and 'strong woman!' and james reads them out to her in a horrible teasing tone while he's putting his pants back on and her whole face goes tomato red and she throws a shoe at him to stop him from seeing the tears in her eyes

[stegulus]

thinking abt tuneypot again

[stegulus]

scrolling ur blog for unrelated reasons and struck by jamestunia bartylily toxic 10 things i hate about you au where lily pays barty to try and fuck petunia so their dad will let her go with james to prom but barty just pockets the money and keeps hanging around lily anyway and james separately on his own decides the best thing he can do in this situation is also simply try to fuck petunia all while going on v public chaste chaperoned dates with lily.

picture lily and james go on a perfectly respectful 50s-esque date for milkshakes under the watchful eye of her father and james walks her to her door after and then immediately walks around the back of the house to try and crawl in petunias window meanwhile barty is already waiting in lilys room for her to get back

okay i am intrigued by this and i do LOVE the image of jily fake-dating but ☝️ i would argue that my personal barty is actually BELOVED by parents. sure he has an eyebrow piercing maybe but he is so shockingly charming with his swoopy blond hair and perfect grades that they barely notice. he's all like "oh, mrs evans, (as he kisses her on both cheeks and holds her elbows) how'd you go at the rose show this weekend?" and "mr evans, sir, (big genuine smile) i'd love to see your model train collection after dinner!" and they go up to lily's room ("door OPEN, please, you two!") and lily is like. snorting with laughter 'what the FUCK was that???' and barty grins and shuts the door. and so we come to the 10 things i hate about you of it all which i think is actually bartylily as bianca and cameron (maybe? is that who lucentio is meant to be honestly i haven't seen this in a million years....) and then jamestunia as kat and pertruchio SCREAMMMMMM like perpetually stone-faced bitch tuney who has a Reputation at school and has the sharpest tongue you've ever heard, and james taking up the "challenge" of dating her (as a favour to barty, initially..... although i still don't want them to like each other in this. maybe james owes barty for something.... much to consider). and he ends up spending time with her and realises underneath all that bravado she's scared. she's scared and she cares about her sister. and i do want a bit of a role reversal where james is the one changed by tuney in that she makes him realise he doesn't have to be mr perfect all the time and that sometimes being horrible is quite fun. ANDDDDD and. i think crucially he's the one that gets too drunk at the pivotal party scene and everyone else is being lads about it but tuney finds him and sits outside with him and chainsmokes clove cigarettes while she listens to his drunken rambles as he compares her hair to dishwater, 'but like, the good kind. like clean dishes! does it smell good, pet, can i have a whiff, oh and it does! you sneaky devil, you've been holding out on me....' etc... oh god. is anyone else going to be sick about this...

[stegulus]

first pancake

petunia knew she was ugly when she flushed. she didn't look like lily, who got a sweet rosy circle on each cheek, blending in nicely with her freckles and making her look pink and pleasing. no, petunia got red blotches, up and down her neck and forehead. and around them, her skin got weirdly white, stark and obvious and deeply unappealing. she knew this because as a child she had been obsessed with her self; making every face she could into her bedroom mirror, rushing to the bathroom after she burst into tears to see exactly what she looked like when she cried, proof of her grief over some perceived slight from the neighbourhood boys painted down her cheeks, glazed over her washed-out irises. once, she brought herself off in front of the mirror, to see what that looked like, but the flush came back, horrid splotching across her chest, her stomach, and she cried, then, too, knowing. lily was pretty when she cried, her eyes blazing greener, lips turned down in a perfect little pout. tuney's crying face, especially when she was really upset, got all twisted up, so she looked like she was smiling, those red-white blotches cropping up at random.

once, after an argument at the dinner table (instigated by lily, ended by petunia; both girls rushing off to their seperate bedrooms to sulk), petunia and lily's stepfather had said that the first pancake was always a bit of a shit, and that their mum couldn't possibly hold that against tuney. petunia hated him already, but that was the moment she vowed to get rid of him, and, in a rare moment of sisterly solidarity, she and lily had planted evidence of infidelity- lacy knickers from primark, not their mother's size, in his back pocket. it spiralled from there, and their stepdad left in a rush. when their mum cried, she got the same pink circles as lily did, which was dreadfully unfair, because even though petunia was the first pancake, she still felt she deserved at least one nice thing.

lily looked pretty when she cried, and when she blushed, and when she brought her pretty husband home for christmas the year after she graduated, petunia hated her so badly she wanted to strangle her with a pair of stockings, stretched tight nylon ten deniers making a thick pink mark on the meat of lily's neck. the blotches rose when james kissed her on the cheek in greeting, and she hated him too, for good measure.