#japhyissad

[japhgura]

AFK Journey has me writing such a tragic extremely old amnesiac main character tidbit

While Depression is keeping me confined in bed I've found AFKJ really soothed me, I actually super enjoy the characters

Hopefully I can get out of this slump soon and finish the no-stress, no-perfectionism 3 Pager I started before my head got really really bad again

Sneakpeak! :

[japhgura]

Currently unable to create anything really, done with the diagnostic and now waiting for the final diagnosis so I can go get the thing going to get a disability card while the government is on my ass on why I'm not applying to jobs right now, even though they have all the data and know full well no matter what I do in the coming next week will be immediately overruled by then

Very draining

I'm starting to worry I won't even be able to do proper art fight preparation

[japhgura]

Currently struggling with the 'you could be creating something right now' headspace again

I just literally debated going to sleep at a reasonable time or finish one of the 20 things I was drawing this week.

It's gotten to the point where relaxing has become really difficult, every time I'm not doing stuff for my diagnosis or taking steps to get my life back in order after the very uncool things that happened in April I start to feel guilty the moment I'm not creating things. Like it's running away from me.

Which makes sense I guess, since I'm struggling with keeping my hyperfixations present again

This is super frustrating and it happens so many times, it keeps coming back

If anyone is going through the same brain dumb I wish you some chill man, I could seriously use some

[japhgura]

Autism and Anxiety Problems below, just some venting

I've been struggling with generalized anxiety disorder since school and it's so crazy to think that that was most likely because of Autism.

I always worked on trying to keep my fear of other people' (and their possible irrationality) under control while also fearing the randomness of the universe

And I've really made quite good progress with that in the past. But when I was at university I would always pick out a row I knew others would attempt to avoid due to there not being so much space. And I'd sit there in this (to me) gigantic lecture hall with people quite literally all around me and my spine would tense up to the point of hurting even a long time after the 2 hours it took me to get home

I haven't had that specific thing this strong in a long time. But ever since being perceived as malfunctioning and unable to work a normal 9-5 (which my job isn't by the way wtf, my field is almost exclusively shifts??) and being basically kicked out because of that every person suddenly has gained so much threat level.

Like, since getting that iron bar to my face I've started to realize that people can now perceive something is off with me? Like my masking isn't up to par anymore because of how much stress I've been under?

And now every time I go take a walk through a place with more people I get the exact same spine cramping as before in the lecture hall, to the point the pain is so bad I keep having to turn around. My last three walks ended that way

Man, I'm currently really feeling like I'm extremely regressing. I need to bury my head in something to hyperfixate on fr, hopefully the appointment next Tuesday will help out with things

[japhgura]

At the docs waiting to tell the doc how mentally fragile I am due to being kicked from my job place and quite possibly barred from doing stuff I love because I got stressed too much (by the people not the actual non-people-related electrical engineering job) which ended up in me getting sick 'too much'

Never been so honest about my mental world to a doctor who wasn't specialized in brain stuff. Very scared. Hope I can get an official diagnosis soon (not like I haven't been trying that for over a year on my own)

Electrical Engineering my love.. I'll return to for you *now I dramatically wave a white cloth*

[japhgura]

Little update on my disappearance from the face of the earth:

So uh.. my hours got more. I work 9h a day now. And I'm very much not made for this. Especially because rn it's entirely sitting and no wiring or building or doing anything with my hands and my adhd hates it

I have not managed to create _anything_ since months and it's making me pretty sad, so I have nothing to upload except like, one (1) Mashle oc sketch so

Yeah.

Will probably stay dead for the foreseeable future but we'll see