#jaqmrtnz

[jaqmrtnz]

Three three

Probably had one of the best birthdays and had the best year of my life so far. Hangout with close friends, sang our hearts out and spend the day on the beach with a beautiful sunset. Though I had one of those dark phases recently but I am happy that I felt the best after feeling the worst.

At this age, what risks should I take? I feel like I should be careful with everything from choosing career to love life lol. I have been in my lowest career ever since. I have been working on and off after choosing to work freelance. Right now, there are a lot of options online and offline but I don't know what to choose anymore. I don't want to plan then fail again. Where should I work? I want to work long term!

As for love, I am never more firm that I want to spend my remaining years with someone. I have been hesitant the past years as I think it is better to be alone but having someone to talk to and open up about your deepest thoughts, sharing your innermost feelings is good for my mental health. I wish to meet someone who would be crazy about me LOL. I am tired of chasing people, couldn't they be the one chasing me? I am wildly imagining things that someone would really like me, show randomly on my doorsteps just to see me, invite me to places with beautiful sunsets and night sky, listen to whatever is on my mind and be willing to work hard for our bright future. But to get all these I need to work for myself, love myself, be healthier and probably prettier haha. At 33, it is so difficult to take a risk with love because what if we will just break up and I'd be single at 35 or 36? I don't want this to happen. So I hope to meet someone who will really love me even if I am not perfect.

My wish in life is very simple but achieving simple things is really difficult for me. I am so special lol! I hope the next year of my life will be the life that I am dreaming of. I have too many failures this year so I hope I can be successful this time.

[jaqmrtnz]

ATTACHMENT ISSUE/CONFESSION

I find myself like a loser once again for being attached to someone so easily. Like, who wouldn't want a super hardworking human being(2 jobs), smart, nice, warm, empathetic, good listener/counselor, innocent, kind, cute, introvert, and the list goes on and on ---- too much green flag in this world full of red flags 🥹. To me, he is actually like the Yukito character from Card Captor Sakura lol. Like the BTS song he showed me reasons why I should love myself. 😭 Don't want to get into details but I can predict that somehow it will end. Like a ghost our good days vanished in a flash. No more goodnights or hellos. Probably, Im not his "the one" and maybe he is already talking to someone. Super sad that I could never find someone as good as this person in this lifetime, maybe? Probably, I will just focus on myself anyway I am never good in finding love and I know love will never find me. Hopes are being shattered again. I don't want to get attached to someone "temporary" anymore. I don't want to give myself false hope. I hope I'll get numb from these secular emotions.

Been posting the same topic lately and I hate it now. As a main character in this life, I hope getting rich will be the next plot twist. Jebalyooooo. 🥹 10.12.2023

[jaqmrtnz]

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SOMETHING IN THE RAIN

An umbrella scene is one to look out for in a Kdrama. I didn't expect to have my Kdrama scene irl but not as the same in the picture lol.

Kinda disappointed because it is raining and I am still outside. Bidding goodbye to my girls, I turned around to look if he is heading home as well. Waited for public vehicle for some time and saw someone familiar --- it's him! Covering his head with his coat and soaking wet -- so poor! So I have my second chance of walking under the rain with him but this time I have shared my umbrella because the rain is heavier than last time. Like why are you not bringing your own umbrella and thankful he doesn't have one at the same time LOL. It is like redoing a scene on my mind but it is real this time OMG.

He asked if I waited for a long time. I thought yes I have waited for you for you for a long time but I answered no I just got here because probably he is talking about the vehicle and not me waiting for him LOL.

He's taller so I need to extend my arms and as we walk I can't help feel "kilig" as our shoulders touched OMGGGG. I felt like a highschool kid but I am in my 30s LOL. He looked at me and talked but I didn't know what is it about because I just felt the moment is so slow and I hope we'd share umbrellas longer. As we are about to ride the vehicle, he waited for me to get in first and that's where the story ends 😅.

He might not like me back and the feeling is not mutual but I am just thankful that I get to experience such scene in which I can only see in Kdramas. Haha.

09.16.2023

Posted 09.18.2023