Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 2 of 4
God this post is still going. Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc
[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]
Buckle up, we are fucking some Elden Ring NPCs.
#65: Brother Corhyn
Reasoning: This is your shitty highschool boyfriend. He's entitled, he's whinny, he's a virgin, he's got a cool older guy who talks about more than his girlfriend. He is a literal banished heretic but he still refuses to acknowledge that his own religion is fake. Even Goldmask could admit to that. Dude has no backbone, and thus no back to blow out.
Pros: Is not an active murderer.
Cons: God the bar is low.
#64: Bloody Finger Ravenmount Assassin
Reasoning: I like his style, and I MIGHT consider a romp or two with him. But even if he isn't directly rolling around in the blood-poop swamp, ya don't wash that stink off easily.
Pros: Is a cool goth dude.
Cons: Is in the blood-poop cult.
#63: Anastasia, Tarnished-Eater
Reasoning: Look... she's a buff mean cannibal lady. Normally thats a free pass, but she culturally appropriates the worst aspects of the Bonny Village Hornsent, and she scams tarnished by dressing up as a maiden and then eating them. By the rules of this hypothetical, she would be willing to bang... but then she'd kill me. I have to to think about this one for a while, because I am still not fully sure if it is worth it. Come back to me on this one.
Pros: She wants to eat me (sexy)
Cons: She wants to eat me (crime)
#62: Castellan Edgar
Pros: Is a normal dude, possibly a decent dad.
Cons: Is kinda crazy, is kinda racist.
#61: Recusant Henricus
Reasoning: If you overlook the whole "enslaved the misbegotten, tortured and killed them, then went crazy and started eating people" thing, he is a normal semi-hot dude.
But ya know... DON'T overlook that.
Reasoning: He's a players first encounter with the Recusants outside of Berhnal, and his fire-hammer has some pizzazz. But he works for the biggest loser in the lands between, disqualified.
Pros: Fights the Erdtree, looks cool.
Cons: Double Agent (sexy) for Gideon Ofnir (not sexy)
#60: D, Beholder of Death
Reasoning: I am not fond of D and his brother. They are hated by the golden order but still work for them, they disrespect my sweet baby boy Rogier, and D ultimately kills Fia, who literally did nothing wrong (except all that stuff she did.) The fact that I want to put MORE armor and clothes on this guy is a BAD sign.
Pros: Is a tortured gothic knight
Cons: Hates to see a girlboss winning.
#59: Magnus the Beast Claw
Reasoning: This guy was added in a patch I am pretty sure has zero lore. He uses the great stars, has a beast motif and uses the clawmark seal, so MAYBE he works with Gurranq, but he is also wearing the ancestral follower armor, uses the redmane skill Lionclaw, AND the pages hood? It's called thematic cohesion dude, get your life together.
Pros: None
Cons: Might be crazy? Has poor fashion souls.
#58: Adan Thief of Fire
Reasoning: I respect Adan for going against the fire guardians, those guys are posers. But he got caught, and he has really poor fashion sense. I might spend an evening in his evergaol, but I won't be spending the whole night.
Pros: Committed Heresy.
Cons: Poor followthrough.
#57: Old Knight Istvan
Reasoning: Here he is, the middle of the list (thematically, not literally) He is a net zero in both sexy and unsexy. He's just a guy. There is possible speculation about his lore, since the scaled armor seems like a stone lizard reference or perhaps a link to Farum Azula, and he uses the dismounter and gravitas, maybe linking him to the Onyx Lords or the Kaiden Bandits...
Pros: Literally just a guy
Cons: Literally just a guy
But i shit you not all items referencing him just call him "Istvan is one of a few wizened Tarnished who survive to this day." So he is old and he is alive. Fantastic characterization.
This list has been very negative because a lot of characters are morally repugnant, so there must be a turning point where the NPCs finally become truly fuckable. So here he is. True Neutral, plain yogurt, unbuttered toast, reaction YouTuber, middle child, outsourced accountant HR rep, Marvel Spinoff, Tech startup, True crime documentary released before there was a guilty verdict, BORING.
He gets one fuck, and THAT'S IT.
#56: Jarwight
Reasoning: If this guy wasn't a mind controlled puppet, he might be interesting. Anyone who is a friend the Jars is a friend of mine... but that doesn't necessarily require nudity. He isn't all there, but he means well. I guess I would have sex with him inside a Jar if we had the Jar's consent ahead of time, I bet he'd be into that.
Pros: Loves the Jars.
Cons: Is a puppet.
#55: Irina
Reasoning: I think in a perfect world, Irina could outgrow the racist and controlling nature of her father. I think she could develop her own identity and unlearn her hatred of the misbegotten. In a perfect world she might be a decent romantic partner for someone willing to walk her through all of that.
Pros: Is a normal woman.
Cons: Is slightly racist.
But this is not a perfect world.
#54: The Tarnished's Maiden
Reasoning: Who was she? She waited for us for so long, and she died with hope in her heart. She left behind a message for us with her dying breath, "Though the path be broken and uncertain, claim your place as Elden Lord!"
Pros: Is loyal, determined, brave and kind.
Cons: Is dead.
She still believed in us until her dying breath. Perhaps she would have walked the path alongside us... perhaps she was a freak and things would have gotten weird, anything could happen in today's economy.
#53: War Counselor Iji
Reasoning: As a certified and board recognized monster-fucker™ I would normally be into big troll men. But Iji is proven wrong by the narrative, and his ego lead to a bunch of assumptions and mistakes that allowed Selevus to interfere, and Blaidd to die. I don't think he's any better in bed than he is in a war room.
Pros: Is a cool wise old Troll.
Cons: Is a bad war counselor.
#52: Old Albus
Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Old Albus made it higher on the list than expected. He's old, his legs are rotting off, his blood is made of quick silver, and he is actively as I write this post, dying. But he's a really nice dude, and a scrappy little survivor to have escaped Gideon's massacre. Plus I trust Latenna, and she vouches for him. I can see myself giving this guy a handjob, and frankly you should too, but be quick about it, he is dying. If we work together we can make it in time, follow my lead.
Pros: Polite
Cons: Currently Dying
#51: D, Hunter of the Dead
Reasoning: I ranked his twin a lot lower because he kills Fia, and serves the same religious order that actively discriminates against him. But D Classic-Flavor™ at least has a bit more pathos about him. He is conflicted about some of his actions, goes out of his way to help us, and seems to have had a moderately nuanced relationship with Rogier at some point. His twin however, is too trigger happy. D has at least the self restraint to let me plow him.
Pros: Is a tortured gothic knight
Cons: Is the reason a girlboss is winning.
#50: THE EVER BRILLIANT GOLDMASK
Reasoning: Look, Goldmask wouldn't normally be this high on anyone's "hear-me-out" list, but out of all the Golden Order followers, literally ONLY Goldmask is willing to make a callout post on his twitter dot com about how Radagon is a bitch ass motherfucker.
Pros: Has the decentcy to admit when he's wrong.
Cons: Is a fanatical zombie.
He has some guts, so I would be fine rearranging his.
#49: Volcano Manor Spirit
Reasoning: Why the fuck is this guy so high on the list? I'll tell you why. He is a Recusant who has the capacity to experience regret. The other Recusants are actually pretty chill, especially with how quickly they forgive you for killing Rykard. But this guy actually forsook his oath to do the right thing. Literally like 2 other people so far on this list had the courage to do that. If he was still alive, I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
Pros: Has a moral code at bare minimum
Cons: Is a ghost.
#48: Vargram the Raging Wolf
Reasoning: Considering how marketable a lot of the "poster" characters are in fromsoft games, You'd think this guy would have more of a presence in the narrative. But he really doesn't. That leaves a lot of his personality up for speculation. He's a tarnished, he works with the roundtable hold, but he also admires the Empyeran's shadows, but also seems aligned with the much cooler Errant Sorcerer Wilhelm, but also seemingly betrayed Wilhem and yet uses the GodSlayer Greatsword from the Godskins and Gloam-eyed-queen?
Pros: Seems Cool
Cons: Seems like a Douche.
He is a bit of an enigma. He could be a really cool badass knight on the ups and downs of a heroes journey, but he could also be a huge dick who probably doesn't have a huge dick.
#47: Moongrum, Carian Knight
Pros: Cool magic knight
Cons: Slightly Racist.
#46: Preceptor Miriam
Reasoning: The Carian Knights are badasses, no one is gonna deny that. They have cool armor, cool weapons, cool battle arts...
But going forward, its gonna be pretty obvious that all Carians are kinda racist... They all kinda hate Albinaurics and passively endorse a lot of the persecution perpetrated by the Golden Order.
Moongrum is still worth it, just don't expect anything longterm. He lacks empathy.
Pros: Librarian GILF
Cons: Coward
#45: Errant Sorcerer Wilhelm
Reasoning: Oddly enough, I kinda like Miriam in concept. Shes an elderly mage who protects a big magic upsidedown library and uses a magic bow and teleportation spells. I think she would be a decent lover, with some nights spent pouring over books with a hot cup of tea, both of us snuggled up under a warm blanket...
But in practice she is an asshole. Get back here, I need you in stabbing/kissing range and you keep vanishing on me. We talked about this Miriam, your intimacy issues are tearing us apart.
Pros: Well meaning, mysterious
Cons: Misguided
#44: Kenneth Haight
Reasoning: There might be a tiny bit more than meets the eye with Wilhelm, he seemingly went against the Roundtable at some point, and has at least a passing (if not condescending) respect for Demi-humans, as evident by his work in the Hermit Village.
But he might be a bit of an idiot, the lore is ambiguous but he was lured into some sort of trap by Vargram, and we don't know enough about their personal drama to properly get in the middle of it all.
Pros: He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit.
Cons: Haughty, slightly racist.
#43: Festing Fingerprint Vyke
Reasoning: It's weird how this guy is equal parts asshole and genuinely chill. He's condescending to the Demi-humans but also attempts to broker peace with them. He is loyal to the Golden Order but is also willing to support those who defy the Order's doctrine. I think he honestly believes in the concept of "royalty", both in the sense of superiority to those without royal blood, but also in the responsibility that is expected from royalty in exchange for that superiority. He even willingly steps aside to let a better ruler than him lead Limgrave into a better future. Plus he is bitchy and shit talks everyone so we can bond over that.
I would grant him succor, oh lord I would grant him succor.
Reasoning: Vyke is an interesting dude. He's essentially the protagonist of Elden Ring who failed right before reaching the endgame. I like how his failure was very human, and very understandable. He still got scammed upsettingly easily, and ended up meeting his fate on the road he took to avoid it. He's probably mad with grief and violent, but I think you could get some hate fucking out of him in the right situation. It'd be pretty hot, even if he cries during and oozes frenzied goop out of his eyes instead of tears.
Pros: Heroic, Crazy (in a hot way.)
Cons: Tragic, Crazy (in a not hot way.)
#42: Vyke's Maiden
Reasoning: What must her pussy game have been like if destroying the whole world was worth keeping it popping? One can only imagine.
Pros: Is worth burning the entire world for.
Cons: Is dead.
#41: Finger Reader Enia
Reasoning: Enia can still get it. She is warm and helpful to the player, she seems to have her wits about her and is eager to assist us on our journey. She might seem like a devout mouthpiece of the Two Fingers, but once they go silent, it seems like she knows more than she is letting on. The way she nudges us toward burning the Erdtree, and the causal way she forgives us for a "cardinal sin" shows that she can make decisions outside the purview of the Two Fingers. Me and her could definitely get a stew going.
Pros: GILF, seems a little impish
Cons: Serves the Golden Order(possibly?)
#40: Sorcerer Thops
Pros: Friendly, Submissive, Breedable.
Cons: A sad sack.
#39: Gurranq, Beast Clergyman
Reasoning: Thops is a diamond in the rough. If you were picking a lover from JUST the normal unproblematic NPCs of Elden Ring, Thops is a decent pick. He supports Sellen even after her defiance of Raya Lucaria, he has reasonable expectations of himself and his abilities. He only asks for 10 runes in exchange for help, and he is eager to prove himself.
But he is definitely a downer, and definitely a bottom.
So you gotta Top Thops.
Reasoning: As stated in my boss fuckabity ranking. Gurrang/Maliketh is HYPOTHETICALLY a sex machine. He has all the necessary monster-fucker monster qualifications, but he is wracked with guilt and self loathing. He is too busy repenting for a sin he didn't commit, and simping for goddess who will never love him back. He's tragic, but just a little too tragic to be worth it.
Pros: Badass Furry Fucklord
Cons: Catholic.
#38: Lionel the Lionhearted
Pros: A well meaning and heroic dude.
Cons: Bit of an Incest kink.
#37: Boc the Golden Seamster
Reasoning: Lionel is a weird guy to try and pin down. Both literally and metaphorically. (You just slide right off his round armor if you try and grab him)
He turned from his holy mission and swore loyalty to Fia, which is a pretty noble endevor considering how much the Golden Order hates her and all those Who Live in Death.
But as I will specify once we get to Fia... you ain't swearing loyalty to Fia without some freaky shit going down in the deathbedroom.
The fact that he is doing weird deathbed companion stuff with someone he sees as a daughter figure is pretty suspect if you think about it.
Pros: My Perfect Little Boy
Cons: He's not emotionally ready for a relationship
Continued in Part 3: ->
Reasoning: Boc is such a nice person. He tries his best, he makes mistakes and keeps going, and he has such a dapper little hat. In a game with so many Lords and Knights and Nobility, it's refreshing to meet a guy whose entire goal is just "I want to learn how to sew."
But he's not in the best headspace to explore sex and relationships. My little buddy needs time and healing. And honestly, once he's ready, he can do so much better than you.
<- Part 1 | Part 4 ->
