I Don’t Want to Lose You. Part 2 of 4. [Jereo DBBS AU]
Jeremy: Jer surprisingly slept through the night with no interruption. No nightmare's plaguing him; flashbacks of filthy alleyways, or his father on his death bed. He dreamt of something good, of Theo, and not in the ways that would only complicate him more. This dream was pure and simple, sleeping tucked tight against the man, safe, completely secure, and loved. As the boy's eyes blinked open slowly to the intruding sunlight that broke passed the blinds he was disappointed to find that the dream hadn't become reality, though he knew that it was ridiculous of him to assume it would.
He groaned a bit, uncomfortable for having slept in his jeans, shoes, and jacket, and he wondered if Theo would mind. Jer hadn't even taken the time the night before to indulge in the bed, and so he did so now, pressing his nose against the pillow and breathing in. It was better than a breath of fresh air, and he felt revived, even though the dull heartache was still there.
Theo: When Theo stirred awake, there was something digging into his hip. For the faintest of seconds, he wondered, until he reached beneath him and pulled out the TV remote. He dropped it to the floor with a sleepy sigh, rolling over to face the back of the couch and hide his eyes from the sunlight that streamed in through the windows. Another late night with the television? Too lazy to even make it to his bed? Christ, what was his life turning into? He didn’t even want to wonder what time it was – he was already aware of the fact that he should have been getting up and actually doing something productive with his time.
He was just starting to fall back asleep when he remembered that, oh yeah, it hadn’t been a normal night. He sat up, brow furrowing, as he recalled the details – he hadn’t dreamed it up, had he? Suddenly wide awake, he stood up and stretched, stumbling a little in the blanket wrapped around his legs, and he made his way to the hallway. When he reached his door, he hesitated, giving a soft knock in case Jeremy was still asleep, and then after a moment, he opened the door carefully to check on him.
Jeremy: "Mm?" Jeremy mumbled when he heard a gentle knock from the door, turning over onto his back, but subconsciously keeping his arms around the sacred Karsen pillow. His eyes squinted to adjust to the light and blinked a few times when Mr. K came into his sights. Jer smiled instantly and sat up carefully, scratching the side of his head. He'd made such a mess of the already tangled sheets and wondered if he should feel bad. "Good morning."
Theo: There was a small part of Theo that had actually believed he’d dreamed it all up, so at the sight of Jeremy, he couldn’t help the bright smile he gave. He rubbed at his eyes, fighting back a yawn, and he pretended to ignore how nice it was to see Jeremy in his bed, even if he was still dressed in all that he’d shown up in. “Hey,” Theo said, voice still a little thick from sleep. He cleared his throat and folded his arms over his chest, leaning against the door frame. “How’d you sleep?”
Jeremy: "Good, really good." He replied, tugging at the sheets to try and free his legs. "Sorry for um not undressing.. I passed out pretty much instantly." He admitted with a shy smile and blush.
Theo: “Good, I’m glad,” Theo said with a smile. And he laughed a little at Jeremy’s next words. “Hey, it’s cool. You’re the one who had to sleep uncomfortably, not me,” he teased. “So, I’d offer you breakfast, but I can’t really cook. I have cereal and oatmeal and that’s about it. But you’re totally welcome to whatever you want,” he said, giving a sheepish chuckle.
Jeremy: "Yeah yeah." He sighed with a happy grin, setting his feet on the floor and sitting propped up on the bed while his palms supported him. "You and me both, Theo. I don't think you could ever go wrong with cereal though. I'd hate to end up raiding your fridge on top of the other selfish things I've done. Um.. Did you sleep well.. on the sofa?"
Theo: Theo rolled his eyes dramatically, giving a loud, playful sigh, and he entered the room fully, nearing the bed. “GOD, kid, if I cared, I wouldn’t have offered. Raid my fridge if you want, it’s all good. Mi casa es tu casa.” He sat down next to Jeremy, then lay back, stretching an arm over his head. You ever forget how comfortable your own bed can be? Yeah, he was having a moment. “I slept like I always do – like I was in a competition,” Theo said with a smile. He shrugged – well, as best as you can shrug when you’re laying down – and he added, “The couch is surprisingly comfortable, I slept great.”
Jeremy: "Haha! Fine, alright!" Jer surrendered, feigning an exhausted tone, chuckling all the more when Theo laid beside him. His head bowed delicately to watch, and would he give anything to join his crush, cuddle him the rest of the day without a care. He could care less about food at that moment.. His mouth craved other things. He rubbed over his face, in disbelief at how perverted he'd turned out to be. "Everything's a competition with you." He teased, swatting the pillow he kept in his hand to Theo's gut once and left it there, grinning and trying his hand at a famous Karsen wink.
Theo: Theo flashed a grin as Jeremy surrendered, and the grin turned into a laugh as the student teased him, hitting him in the gut with the pillow. “I have two brothers – of course everything’s a competition with me,” he said playfully. And as Jeremy winked at him, Theo mirrored it, unable to keep the lazy grin from his face. “Give me that.” He grabbed the pillow and shoved it up under his head, relaxing more. “What’d you do to my bed? Somehow it’s like, ten times more comfortable than it usually is. You’re magical, Jer.”
Jeremy: The boy pursed his lips and nodded thoughtfully, laying back down when he saw the Theo didn't plan on getting up soon. "Good point, very valid." He smiled, feeling relieved, especially when Theo winked back at him. That always brought butterflies to his stomach. Jeremy snickered in a sneaky way, pulling the sheet over his body to only expose his eyes. "I'm part leprachaun of course, duh."
Theo: As Jeremy lay down beside him, Theo was tempted to throw an arm over him, but somehow he was able to keep that urge at bay. And at Jeremy’s remark, Theo laughed. “Oh yeah, of course, excuse a blonde for forgetting,” he said playfully. He reached over and pulled the sheet down so he could see Jeremy’s whole face again, and he flashed another grin. “Guess all you got out of it was the shortness, since you’re lacking a beard and all,” he teased.
Jeremy: "You're excused." Jer sassed, biting his lip gently as the sheet was gently removed. His gentle smile turned into a deep and dramatic frown at the rude comment and he stuck his tongue out before saying, "At least I'm magical, blondie."
Theo: Theo laughed at Jeremy’s reaction. “Hey, maybe I’m magical in other ways,” he said. “Now stop sassing me, you brat.” He reached over and playfully pressed his index finger over Jeremy’s lips, like he were shushing him. “Just lay here and enjoy the moment with me, yeah?” he asked, grinning.
Jeremy: "Show me." Jeremy challenged, shifting closer in interest. "I'll never stop sassing cause I know you'll never stop teasing." The finger successfully hushed Jeremy and he fought the urge to kiss the it, unable to resist lightly poking his tongue against it, hoping it would thwart the man off like it would his little sister.
Theo: “I can’t. My magic’s secret. I can only use it at certain times,” Theo said, lowering his tone for dramatic effect. He chuckled at Jeremy’s next words though, nodding a little. “That’s true, I never will. I guess I’ll just have to get used to the sass.” He laughed when Jeremy’s tongue touched his finger slightly, and he moved his hand from Jeremy’s mouth, though his arm somewhat remained over him. “You’re lucky I love you,” he said playfully.
Jeremy: "Like your magical metabolism? Yes, get used to it and like it." Jer grinned wide, feeling victorious, when Theo drew his finger back. He hummed slightly, liking the arm that remained on him. "Likewise." He smiled then, lowering his sass down to a reasonable level, tilting his head to take in the sight of Theo's bright morning blue eyes. "Who'd you get your eyes from? Your mum or your da?"
Theo: “Exactly,” Theo said on a laugh. “That’s exactly one of my powers.” As Jeremy tilted his head and gazed at him, Theo met it evenly, his own smile remaining. He paused for a moment at the question – he didn’t tend to talk about his family, much. At least not in detail. He swallowed before answering, “My mom. I got most of my dad’s looks face wise, but I ended up with her coloring – light hair and blue eyes. Both my brothers have blue eyes too, but my dad has hazel. I always used to wish I’d inherited his eye color just to be different,” he admitted with a sheepish smile.
Jeremy: Jer hummed happily, setting his chin on one of his propped up palms, listening to Karsen talk more about his family. Despite the forlorn look Theo always got in his eye when talking about them, Jeremy couldn't help but enjoy hearing more. Maybe he should stop asking. "Your mum sounds lovely, and you definitely inherited some strong features from your da. You're so lucky to have nice genes to fall back on. Your blue eyes are unreal... they change color in the sunlight, did you know?"
Theo: Theo found that he really liked talking to Jeremy like this. It felt surprisingly… intimate. It felt like he could open up and be himself for the first time in a long time. Granted, there was still loads of stuff Jeremy didn’t know about him – stuff he wasn’t so sure he wanted to share – but this was nice. And Jeremy was either a really good actor, or he was sincerely interested in what Theo had to say. And that was nice too. “She is pretty wonderful. A lot of people think she’s cold and distant when they first meet her, but she’s secretly got a heart of gold.” When Jeremy mentioned his eyes changing color in the sunlight, Theo felt his ears burn just a little bit, and he lowered his gaze almost self-consciously. “Oh, ah, no, I didn’t know that. It’s a nice change, right?” he attempted to joke.
Jeremy: "I see..." He replied as Theo went on to describe his mother. He tilted his head more and snickered as the man grew shy before him and he shook his head. "Don't close them." He requested, risking laying his hand on the man’s cheek. "Even now... they look golden. Like really gold, I wouldn't lie to you. Sometimes they go transparent... I don't know how they do it but it's hard to look away from you most of the time." Ok... maybe he'd taken it a bit too far.
Theo: As Jeremy’s hand touched his cheek, Theo hoped to god the blush creeping up his neck wasn’t visible. He didn’t know why he was acting like this – was it because he’d never been so open with someone before? He gave an embarrassed chuckle, unconsciously leaning into the student’s touch. “I guess that’s another one of my magical qualities, then,” he said playfully. He lifted his eyes back up to meet Jeremy’s as he said that last part, his eyebrows going up a little in surprise. For a moment, he just sort of stared at Jeremy, unsure of what to say. If Jeremy were anyone else, well, Theo would have already been all over him. But was Jeremy even aware of what he was saying? So Theo resorted to humor, like always. “Don’t worry. That’s a common side effect of knowing me. Most people find it hard to look away from me.”
Jeremy: Jeremy was too lost in the man’s eyes, and the weight against his palm, to notice the faint redness appearing on his ears and neck. He felt himself lean in a bit as Theo spoke of his magical qualities, and if Jer didn't know any better, he would have to say he was indeed under Theo's spell. He'd never felt this way about anyone. He'd never wanted anything this much, genuinely.
His head came to a stop when Theo mentioned other people... either to once again lower his self-worth or... maybe to let it be known that Theo was just a man that everyone seemed to want. That Jer wasn't different, and why would he be, he was a kid. Theo could have anyone he wanted... anyone, so if he wanted Jeremy then... Christ, did he feel like a fool. The boy pulled back his hand and his head, licking his lips carefully.
"I'm not most people." He muttered, not really sure what he was getting at, but felt suddenly... insufficient, which, in his home life, wasn't exactly a foreign feeling to him.
Theo: A change came over Jeremy, and though Theo wasn’t sure what had happened, he knew it was his fault. He frowned a little as Jeremy spoke again, his voice a mutter. Theo hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek in thought. “I know, you’re nothing like most people,” he said. “You’re so… good. And you don’t even see it.”
He moved until he was flat on his back, and he stared up at the ceiling, brow furrowing. He didn’t know what to do with all of the feelings churning in him. Affection, guilt, desire, more guilt. He knew he loved Jeremy – he would have loved him even if he wasn’t attracted to him – but the attraction WAS there. And he knew it shouldn’t have been. He knew it was wrong. It was so wrong. What would Jeremy’s mother do if she knew a thirty year old man had feelings for him? What would his own mother say, should she ever learn about it?
But he couldn’t help it. You can’t just turn off those sorts of feelings. “You didn’t do so bad yourself, you know,” he said, still frowning at the ceiling. “In the gene department, I mean. You have the cutest freckles I’ve ever seen. So light they almost aren’t there sometimes.”
Jeremy: Jer's gaze slowly turned up at Theo's words, about him... being apart from the others. He didn't risk a smile, not yet, especially when the man went on to do what he did best, voice what was in the boys heart, what he was begging to hear deep down , but it hurt so much to listen at the same time. Good... no, he didn't know that word. He used to... before things went wrong and he all but turned away on the concept of good. He hadn't been told he was good in... Christ... five, six years now? He willed himself not to tear up... not now of all moments.
His spirit did change as Theo thoughtfully stared at his ceiling and confessed his own observations. Those... slight and unique things that made Jeremy Berne the Jeremy Berne. The only one to walk this earth. He was noticed by Theo, the way he had noticed him. Jer moved his body up, feeling as if his heart could bolt from his chest at any moment, but he set his chest near Theo's, risking everything. He'd taken such risks before, only he'd done those alone, and he was so scared to pull Theo with him, because he cared so damn much for him it made him feel sick sometimes. But Theo was worth it. He was so worth it.
Theo: Theo closed his eyes as he felt the mattress shift with Jeremy’s movement – he thought Jeremy might have been getting up, uncomfortable with how Theo was acting. But instead, Jeremy moved closer to him, the warmth of his body heat washing over Theo as he came within a few inches of him. Theo opened his eyes again, turning his gaze on Jeremy, and he looked into the student’s eyes, for once unable to read the gist of the expression on his face.
As Theo studied him, he brought a hand up to Jeremy’s face, cupping his cheek lightly. He brushed his thumb over Jeremy’s cheekbone, and he smiled a little. “See? The window’s behind you so the freckles don’t stand out too much,” he said softly. “Jeremy, I….” He didn’t know where he was going with it, it just came out uselessly. After a moment, he shook his head and swallowed against his dry throat. “I’m sorry,” he said.
And before he could change his mind, he leaned in and pressed his lips to the student’s. He didn’t even care what happened after this – he just needed this.
Jeremy: Jer was sure that it wasn't just the light from the window that hid away his adolescent freckles, since the red had most definitely returned to the cheeks that Theo so carefully graced his thumb across now. He kept his eyes fixed on him, not reacting to the excitement the way he usually would; shy away and hide, not this time. Hearing his name fall from Theo's lips like that was enough to push himself over the edge or restraint. He'd tried to mentally vision it, what it might sound like, but every pathetic imitation his mind had come up with could never come anywhere close to the real thing.
The apology slipped into the background when the man rose up just enough to capture his lips and Jer just took the kiss, accepted it full and willing, setting a hand to the back of Theo's head nervously. He felt a shiver escape him, another wave of relief come over him followed by a new pulse of heat, it was only his second kiss, but he knew that it would trump any other one he could ever hope for.
Theo: It was a soft kiss that he gave Jeremy – chaste, even. Jeremy’s lips were soft and warm, and as his hand settled on the back of Theo’s head, Theo was almost surprised that Jeremy wasn’t pushing him away. Theo could hear his own pulse in his ears, the sound of it seeming to magnify with each second in the thick silence that had fallen over them. This only lasted for a second, this brief, innocent kiss. Theo pulled back a little, his eyes searching Jeremy’s face. He was searching for something, any kind of complaint. There was a voice in the back of his mind telling him how wrong this was, but Jeremy didn’t seem to mind. And Theo fed off of that.
He leaned in again, his mouth covering Jeremy’s in a firmer kiss. He slanted his mouth against Jeremy’s, and decided to test his luck, pushed his tongue into Jeremy’s mouth.
Jeremy: Jeremy breathed out heavier than he thought he would, feeling strange that he should be so out of breath from such a simple kiss, it had been as innocent as the first one he gave to that girl back in Wicklow, but far more significant, not to mention dangerous. Jer kept his eyes closed, fearing that that would be the first and the last time Theo would kiss him, ready to accept that. So he didn't leave the moment, reveling in how it felt, picking the sensations he was feeling bit by bit to cherish forever.
He finally licked his lips slightly and opened his eyes to meet Theo's, only to be greeted with yet another unexpected kiss, but this one... this one was different. Jer hummed out a moan, unable to censor himself, he had no idea how this new sensation overwhelmed every nerve in his body. His mouth was being filled with Theo, and as strange and odd the slick tongue felt, Jer allowed his jaw to fall open more to welcome him in. He still knew he wasn't doing much as far as kissing back... but he didn't want to ruin any of this with his virgin clumsiness.
Theo: The noise that left Jeremy served only to encourage Theo. Even though he didn’t return the kiss, he was receptive and seemed content enough to accept it, and well, that was all Theo could have asked for. He explored Jeremy’s warm mouth with his tongue, taking his sweet time and letting himself enjoy it because he didn’t know how long it would last. His hand found its way to Jeremy’s hair, which he twirled around his fingers, and he kissed Jeremy leisurely, like they had all the time in the world. And why not? What else mattered but this at the moment?
But Theo’s guilt resurfaced. Was he taking advantage of Jeremy? Not only was he so young, but he was his student, and not to mention, he was grieving. What kind of person did it make Theo that he was so quick to jump him like this?
He broke the kiss, breathing deeply through his nose, and he pressed his forehead against Jeremy’s affectionately. “I’m sorry,” he found himself saying again, and he closed his eyes. “I know I shouldn’t have done that.”
Jeremy: Jer tried his best to press back against Theo's lips, tongue rising to meet the one that explored his mouth, while the hand that remained against his head mirrored his action, carding through the soft blonde strands. He couldn't believe that he was literally tasting Theo, and he was so glad that this heated exchange was lasting longer than the first innocent kiss. If he could he would stop time and remain here with Theo forever. He wouldn't have to deal with the pain he felt whenever he was apart from the man he loved.
His breath hitched and he swallowed down what remained of Theo when the man decided to pull away from him. Jer found it so easy, so natural, to press his forehead against Theo's in return, and he even allowed his spare hand to move across his chest only to know that he had and that he could in this moment. The boys tongue was all but numb after Theo had so expertly fondled it with his own, but he willed himself to reply, "I shouldn't have let you.." He reasoned, not allowing his teacher to take all the blame. "but I love you." This time he didn't dumb down the subtext, he looked into Theo's eyes and made sure he understood that he didn't want to remain platonic with him. He wanted so much more.
Theo: Having Jeremy kiss him back was bliss. Theo could let himself get lost in it – in the way Jeremy’s hand went to his hair, which had always been Theo’s weak spot – if only for the moment. Jeremy’s kiss was inexperienced but enthusiastic, passionate even, and Theo almost hated to imagine the possibility of Jeremy caring for him even half as much as he did him.
And as Jeremy pressed his forehead back against Theo’s, his hand moving across his chest, Theo couldn’t help the small sigh he gave. It was both one of contentment and wistfulness, almost with an underlying sadness because he knew this wasn’t going to work. It couldn’t. He bit his lip thoughtfully as Jeremy spoke, fighting the urge to argue with the kid when he tried to reason with him. But then Jeremy said THAT – and not just said it, he meant it, looking evenly into Theo’s eyes in a way Theo wasn’t used to – Theo was stunned.
He blinked a few times as he looked at Jeremy, his mind working in overdrive to try and think of something to say. A part of him wanted to deflect with humor, while another part of him could have laughed with joy, and another part of him just wanted to kiss Jeremy again. He couldn’t believe this was really happening – if not for how warm Jeremy was, Theo might have thought he was imagining all of this. He lowered his gaze, swallowing hard, and he opened and closed his mouth uselessly a few times, unsure of what to say or do.
“Jeremy…” he tried. He shook his head, all of his emotions shot through with a thread of guilt again. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t Theo just enjoy this? “You can’t… you can’t mean that. Jer, I feel like I’m taking advantage of you – you don’t owe me anything for last night.”
Jeremy: Jer tilted his head to follow Theo's gaze, not wanting him to look away, not now when he was offering his heart to him. He couldn't help but set his own light kiss against Theo's temple, maybe to make up for the one he gave last night, but mostly because he wanted to continue to feel him that way. Maybe it could comfort his troubled mentor as he searched for the words. He continued to feel through Theo's hair, enjoying the texture, and getting his fill of all of this in case the man chose to stop.
"Don't say that." Jer replied plainly, trying not to be offended by the very thought because he knew the man was in denial, he'd been in the same position with what Karsen told him on a daily basis plenty of times. "I mean it. This isn't about last night... this is about us, how completely enamored I am with you."
Theo: The soft kiss to his temple made Theo’s eyes flutter closed, and he leaned into the feel of Jeremy’s fingers in his hair, sure nothing else in life could ever feel so good. It was the touch he craved, the affection he would have killed for – he couldn’t even remember the last time someone had shown him that. All the casual hook-ups and one night stands paled in comparison to just the simple gesture of Jeremy combing his hand through his hair.
He slowly raised his gaze again as Jeremy spoke. His words almost hurt to hear – the way Theo’s chest tightened made him wonder vaguely if there was something physically wrong with him or if it was just normal to feel this way, simply because he never had before. There was a small part of him – a part he’d never admit to – that almost wanted to cry. Because he could feel how serious Jeremy was in the way he looked at him.
He closed his eyes, unable to handle the intensity of the student’s gaze. He shifted them, pushing Jeremy onto his back and moving half-over him, burying his face into Jeremy’s neck, simply because it was easier to avoid his gaze this way. “I don’t deserve it,” he said against Jeremy’s skin, breathing in his scent. “And I’m not just saying that, I know everyone thinks I say this shit to put myself down, but… there’s so much you don’t know about me. You deserve better, Jeremy.”
Jeremy: When Theo started to move their bodies he feared that he was pushing him away, but the hold and pace was far too intimate for that, and the next thing he knew he was the one staring up at the ceiling. Theo's face tucked against his throat and the hot breath that ghosted across his tan skin almost made him laugh since it tickled. He contained himself, knowing this wasn't the appropriate time for that, not when Theo was like this. Jer wrapped his arms around Theo's neck and shoulders again and closed his eyes, feeling the natural warmth pressed so close against him.
"You're what I want." He replied and did have to admit that... maybe this was all because of his youth, perhaps he was jumping too soon, settling, but he drove those thoughts from his mind. There was no one else like Theo Karsen and Jer was convinced that this man was one he'd be willing to do anything for and love till his last breath. "I've told you about me... the drugs, the alcohol... how I abandoned my own father on his death bed, and you still accept me. You still love me too. What makes you think I wouldn't do the same..?"
Theo: As Jeremy’s arms wrapped around him, Theo relaxed. When he was able to hide his face like this, it was easier to pretend he wasn’t so self-conscious. When Jeremy first replied, Theo felt simultaneously worse and better – what had he done right to even get to meet somebody like Jeremy in the first place? The student just felt too good to be true. And as Jeremy went on, Theo nodded, the movement very slight with his face still in the space between Jeremy’s neck and shoulder.
It would only be fair for Jeremy to know about his past, he knew, but he’d been trying to forget it for two years. He’d actively been pretending it’d never happened, and it just felt weird to even think about talking about it. “I just… don’t want to disappoint you,” he said finally. “I… like the way you look at me.” It felt like a silly admission at the moment, but it was the truth – he was just scared of Jeremy looking at him differently, looking at him and seeing how little he was actually worth.
Jeremy: Jer shut his eyes once again, letting one of his hands feel across Karsen's back gently, appreciate this time with him for what it was worth-everything. He thought about how Theo must feel, if Jer thought his beginnings were rough, he considered what 30 years in this cruel world might have done to him. Jeremy preferred to keep his past a secret, only if he could help it, but people did eventually ask and he felt no need to avoid an answer.
He blamed his mum. The woman would never allow him to let go and forget what he had done, what he'd become, no matter what he did to appear different or better. He guessed that's why... it was pretty easy for him to talk about the awful things he did four years ago, because no matter how much he tried to avoid it he always had someone making sure he never forgot. The dust never settled.
Maybe Theo had never dealt with things that way, from the looks of it the past that plagued him remained in the deepest shadows of his heart, left to his own reflection, never to be forgiven. They were different in that aspect, but Jeremy would never hold it against him, would never force anything on or from him, because he loved him.
"You don't... you don't have to tell me, Theo." Jeremy whispered, surprised when his chest shook and a tear slid down the corner of his eye. For fuck sakes, he was not crying again. "I'm willing to wait, I don't care how long, and I'll accept you. You may be a disappointment to many who've gotten close to you but... no matter what I will always be an exception." His other hand squeezed Theo's hair lightly, and it just hurt so much to even imagine what Theo had suffered all the years before now, before Jeremy had been lucky enough to know him. He only wished he'd gotten here sooner.
Theo: Theo started to relax when Jeremy told him that he didn’t have to tell him, but then he felt the way Jeremy’s chest moved. He lifted his head to look at Jeremy, his insecurities forgotten momentarily, buried under concern, and it was just in time to see a tear leave his eye. “Jer,” he said softly, “Don’t – I’m not worth it.” Without needing to think about it, Theo reached up and brushed it away with his thumb, frowning hard.
As Jeremy went on, promising that he would always be an exception, Theo’s chest hurt again – especially at the feeling of Jeremy’s hand still in his hair. “No, you should – you should know,” he said, despite the fact that his mind was yelling at him to shut up and keep the past buried. He leaned in and brushed his lips across Jeremy’s cheek, then pulled back a little, his gaze fixing on the collar of Jeremy’s shirt as he thought about his words carefully. “I, ah, I’m… a recovering alcoholic –maybe it’s why I don’t fault you so much for it, I guess….” He plucked at Jeremy’s shirt collar, pulling on the material to distract himself and maybe not feel so stupid. “It controlled me for the better half of my twenties until I really fucked up and hurt the people who cared about me.”
It was still vague, and he realized after he said it all that he’d barely given any details. But it was still the most that he’d said about his life in Cleveland in two years. And for some reason, the words made his face feel hot, his ears flushed, and they made the room feel smaller than it was, the air thick. He knew that if anyone could understand that it would be Jeremy, so it made sense that if he were to tell anyone about it, it would be him -- he supposed he'd just grown to like how perfect Jeremy made him feel.
Jeremy: Jeremy tried to contain the emotion of remorse that filled his heart, relieved when Karsen did another thing he did so well, came to his rescue and gave him that simple touch. He stiffened his jaw and stared up at him, eyes grateful, but he wasn't willing to reply to the statement of Theo not being worth it. When the man refocused his attention to his collar he moved one of his hands to cup and touch his cheek, delighting in the slight stubble that had begun to form there. He didn't speak, he didn't dare to, he just listened to what Theo was willing to tell him, and he didn't care how long it took.
He knew how difficult it could be and it all just went to show how much Theo cared about how he saw him. He was honored to be the one Theo trusted to tell. Jer offered him a gentle nod, understanding the struggle and feeling of abandonment... abandonment that was deserved and earned from what they had both done so wrong.
Theo: Jeremy’s hand on his cheek was more than welcome, and Theo might have turned into the touch, brushing his lips over Jeremy’s palm, the affectionate prompted by gratitude. He just couldn’t believe this was happening, that Jeremy was even there in the first place. And he was glad when Jeremy didn’t say anything, that he just listened. Somehow, it made it easier.
He bit his bottom lip a little, trying to wonder how much more he wanted to tell the kid, if anything else. But it was like the words were bubbling up in him on their own, as though he couldn’t control himself – it was like he figured: he’d already started, what would be the point of hiding anything else? “I was married,” he said bluntly. And that felt like the weirdest possible thing to say in the world. He hadn’t even contemplated the words in so long that it felt like a lie.
Jeremy: Jer licked his bottom lip when Theo's stroked over his palm. He never thought anything like this would ever feel so natural, so genuine, it took no thought at all. He wanted to comfort Theo, it wasn't something he had to think about, it was like second nature. He focused on him till the three unexpected words fell from his lips and Jer would be lying if he said he wasn't at least a bit surprised.
He just hoped it didn't show negatively in his eyes because he wasn't upset, not at all, there was nothing unusual about people getting married in their twenties. He finally spoke and hoped it was alright to ask, "A-a girl?" He only stammered because of the innocence of it, remembering how he felt around girls his first 14 years, before he realized that he was different in even more ways he could ever have imagined.
Theo: At Jeremy’s silence, Theo chewed on his bottom lip, keeping his gaze averted – he didn’t want to see the expression on Jeremy’s face. He was afraid of what it would be. And as Jeremy spoke, it was a stammer, and Theo felt kind of stupid. He nodded a little and moved again – he flopped over onto his back, and he threw an arm over his eyes, heaving a sigh. “Yeah, I didn’t, ah… I didn’t realize that I was gay until I was twenty-eight,” he said. A bark of a laugh left him and he shook his head, glad for the arm over his face with the way his cheeks burned. “That sounds really pathetic, I know….”
He hesitated as he remembered his ex-wife. “She was my high school sweetheart – I mean, I thought she was. I loved her more than anything, but it was just… the wrong kind of love for a husband and wife,” he said.
Jeremy: Jeremy watched Theo roll over to have his own space again and submitted his right to touch him for now. He folded his hands together and set them on his stomach, pointing his nose back toward to ceiling so the man would know he wasn't staring at him.
"No it's not really." Jeremy replied, chuckling himself because he knew how that felt too. "If I'd stayed in Wicklow I doubt I would have ever had a clue. Probably would have been set in my ways, married a woman too, died miserable." He gulped, feeling bad because he couldn't speak from experience, scared that he was echoing what was probably Theo's life back then too well.
Despite the dark turn of conversation this felt nice, different than any other discussions they'd had before, it was just so intimate. Even if they would remain only friends, cause he honestly hadn't a clue what these kisses meant between them yet, he'd be happy to just have moments like this. Lay beside Theo and talk, about anything, even those things that counted. He knew one thing for a fact, only one, everything that took place in this room would remain here. The confessions, the kiss, and the secrets.
"It must have felt nice though... for a time." He reasoned lightly. "I understand though. So... I guess you divorced... are you still friends?"
Theo: At Jeremy’s words, Theo gave a dry laugh, nodding. That was certainly what it’d felt like after he’d been married – he’d felt like he was just slowly dying and missing out on life. “Yeah,” he said softly. “That was where I was headed – a miserable death. It’s why I turned to drinking. I just thought it was normal – I thought that was how all married guys feel.”
Since coming here, Theo had contemplated seeking out a therapist to try and get over his guilt and depressive tendencies. He hadn’t actually acted on it since his psychiatrist father had turned him off of doctors at an early age, so this was the first time he was managing to open up like this. And surprisingly, it felt kind of… nice. Freeing. It was almost like he and Jeremy were the only ones in the world, and nothing else mattered except for them and the bed they were lying in.
“It was nice,” he admitted at Jeremy’s next words. “I mean, sometimes I think – if I’d just been straight, if I could have loved her the way I should have, my life would have been pretty perfect. I had a good job, I come from money so that was no problem, so I should have been happy.” He hated the way it sounded as he said it – as though he were ashamed of not being straight. He wasn’t. He just liked to imagine how easy life could have been if he had been. He nodded. “Yeah, we, ah, we divorced. It wasn’t… on amicable terms.” He lowered his arm and turned his head so that he could look at Jeremy again, feeling for some reason like he needed to. “I cheated on her,” he said truthfully. If this – whatever it was between them – was going to happen, Jeremy needed to know that. If anything, he needed to know.
Jeremy: Jer chewed on his inner lip and nodded again as Theo explained what had become of the marriage, the drinking, and it was painful to hear. He wondered if Theo's parents had anything to do with that, because... Jeremy's parents had been happy, despite the financial struggle, they loved each other in all the ways a typical straight married couple with kids should. Maybe Theo never had that sort of example to depend on, maybe that's why he assumed that married life would inevitably turn stale, it was hard to hear.
The kid smiled calmly and turned his head toward Theo now, happy to hear that Theo did experience some moments of happiness, wished the woman the best, despite what he said moments after. The boy swallowed again, feeling the dark maze of Theo's past hit a deep ditch, and he knew that was probably where everything stemmed from. Jer's eyes remained level with Theo's and he said the obvious, "With another man."
Theo: Theo blinked but kept his gaze locked with Jeremy’s – as shameful as it felt to admit that, he found he couldn’t look away all of a sudden. “Yeah,” he said softly, nodding. “I was at the bar – like usual – and I was just, I was gone, you know, completely trashed. And this guy just comes up and starts talking to me, and I felt… like I’d never felt before. My wife – I mean, my ex-wife,” he corrected swiftly, embarrassed at how easy the mistake had slipped out, “She was the only person who’d ever been forward with her interest in me, so I just wasn’t used to what this guy did to me. When he asked me back to his place… I couldn’t say no.”
He turned to look back at the ceiling, and he pushed out a little laugh, like he could try and lighten the mood. “So yeah, that was the night I realized that I wasn’t straight,” he said. He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Thanks. For, ah, letting me ramble, by the way. It’s probably obvious that I’ve never told anyone about this.”
Jeremy: Jeremy listened to the scene unfold, able to visualize how it all might of gone down, but he didn't allow himself to dwell too long. He didn't know how it might affect him, maybe how it should be effecting him, he just knew that Theo wouldn't want to join him in those dark memories. He turned over, propping a bit on his knees and palms, finding Theo's face-having to move a hand and arm in the process-and leaned forward to kiss him himself, seal their discussion with something that he felt was positive.
He cared about Theo's past and how it all still troubled him, but he knew stories like this were actually dime-a-dozen. So many men who just didn't know themselves, innocently being tied into what society and their parents expected of them, and plummeting into failure and disappointment. Jer was just happy that he hadn't kept it from his wife, didn't remain in a marriage that would have ruined both of them, not to mention children...
His kisses were simple, for what he knew he could manage, but he held both of them there long enough to hope Theo accepted how he felt. He rose back up to look at the man and touch his bottom lip and chin with his thumb, getting lost for a moment. "I'm honored."
Theo: As Jeremy brought himself closer, Theo was more than glad to accept the small, simple kisses he offered him. There wasn’t much Jeremy could say to that, and just the fact that he hadn’t gotten up and left was enough of a relief to Theo that he didn’t need Jeremy to say anything. He closed his eyes, enjoying the kisses for what they were – enjoying Jeremy himself. At Jeremy’s words, Theo gave a little smile. “You should be,” he teased. “Now come here.”
He reached up, grabbing a hold of Jeremy, and he playfully yanked the student down to him, pulling him into a crushing embrace. His admissions made him feel exhausted, despite the fact that he’d only just woken up a little while before, but he was strangely… calm about it all. And he knew he could trust Jeremy, so he was almost glad to have told him. He kissed Jeremy’s ear, a quick peck that he hoped conveyed his thanks.
Jeremy: Jeremy smiled and laid across Theo, hugging him tight in return and setting his head against his neck. He breathed out, letting everything process in his head, allowing the tension to leave his body. He smiled more when Theo kissed his skin faintly, and he risked a soft nuzzle against his jaw in return. "You're a good man." He whispered, patting his chest softly with one of his hands. "You were dealt a bad hand and you did the best you could." It was a risk to say things like this... maybe Theo would take it badly, it might backfire.
Theo: As Jeremy relaxed on top of him, Theo couldn’t have been more relieved. He felt suddenly so stupidly giddy that Jeremy was still there, that he wasn’t turned off by Theo’s honesty. If Theo hadn’t loved the kid before – which, come on, he completely had – he most certainly would have then. It almost felt like his heart was expanding, even, which was corny, but Theo had always been a hopeless romantic.
He smiled at the nuzzle against his jaw, and when Jeremy spoke again, the smile surprisingly remained. As Jeremy patted his chest, Theo covered his hand with one of his own, keeping it there, and he contemplated the words that left Jeremy. After a moment, he said. “I don’t know if I agree with you, but I like the sound of it. And I thank you for saying it.” He ran a hand through Jeremy’s hair, pushing it back away from his face, and he sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. “So we should probably get out of bed. I mean, we don’t have to, I’m pretty much a champion at staying in bed all day. But you know, for the sake of looking like normal people, we probably should.”
Jeremy: Jer's smile remained while his gaze dropped down and he set his cheek against Theo's chest, watching his hand surround his own. He decided some good old fashioned teasing was in order, maybe take them back where this had all started. "Not everyone can be magical like you, Theo." He breathed out lazily at the idea but had to admit he was actually hungry now. After learning about his granddad he wasn't sure if he'd be able to eat for a week, and it might still be difficult to indulge, but Theo had cured him of a lot of bad side effects. "Yeah. Food." Was all he said before hesitantly sitting up, turning his hand to hold Theo's uncertain if he was ready to let it go in the moment.
Theo: Theo grinned at Jeremy’s words, taking more enjoyment in the way his name sounded on Jeremy’s lips than he normally did. “Well, that’s just unacceptable,” he said playfully. “Everyone needs to try a little harder.” And at Jeremy’s next short response, Theo’s nod was enthusiastic – he could never turn down food.
As Jeremy sat up, keeping a hold of Theo’s hand, Theo brought the hand up to his mouth and brushed his lips over Jeremy’s knuckles. Then he let go and started to climb out of the bed, maybe a little clumsily. “There’s this diner on the corner,” he said, standing, “Serves breakfast all day and has killer pancakes. Not literally, of course. Could you imagine?” he teased.
Jeremy: Jer shook his head at the first joking statement, his brows rising with surprised when Theo pulled his hand towards him and kissed it. That was by far the most cheesy and romantic thing that had ever happened to him. His lip stiffened as he hid away a very giddy smile and he bowed his head, stepping back onto the floor and finally removing himself from Theo's very comfortable bed. "Uh, sure." Jeremy laughed with a shrug and he slapped his palms to his sides, "I'm afraid I can. My mind is twisted enough."
It was like nothing had changed between them, only been added, and Jeremy's smiled stretched out with relief and joy, his eyes barely viewable while his eyelids arched in a happy squint.
Theo: “That’s makes two of us then,” Theo said playfully to the twisted mind comment. “I knew there was a reason we got along so well.” Theo stretched his arms behind him, rolling his shoulders a little, and he moved towards the doorway, though he kept his gaze on Jeremy – like he was afraid that if he looked away, the kid might disappear. Or maybe he just like the smile Jeremy wore. Yeah, that was probably it.
“You want to take a shower or anything before we go?” he asked. “I mean, you’ll have to put on the same pants you’re wearing now because mine would definitely never fit. But you could at least have a clean shirt if you wanted.” And that might have been the wrong thing to suggest, because just the thought of Jeremy wearing one of his shirts was almost overwhelming. He still didn’t know what to make of these new feelings – or of the underlying guilt that was still there, just below the surface.
Jeremy: Jeremy looked down at himself admitting that he did feel a bit stale, then he grew a bit self-conscious, maybe he smelled bad and Theo had noticed. "A shower would be great." He reasoned, hiding a blush at the idea of using Theo's bathroom on top of everything. "A quick one, though, really quick." Jer added nervously, not wanting to overdo anything.
"Yeah, trousers aren't likely... a shirt would be nice." He added when he shrugged off his jacket and set it on the bed. Even if his shirt felt fresh and clean... he wouldn't deny an offer of wearing one of Theo's. He'd be mad if he did.
Theo: Theo smiled, finding Jeremy’s nervousness more than endearing, but as Jeremy shrugged out of his jacket, Theo lowered his gaze. He didn’t need to watch the way Jeremy’s arms and shoulders flexed with such a simple motion. He went to the dresser, pulling open the drawer with all of his shirts, and he grabbed the first one he saw – a plain T, light blue in color, one he wore often – and he held it out to Jeremy with another smile.
Then he gestured for the kid to follow him, leaving the room and making his way to the bathroom. “The shower knobs are on wrong and I’m no good at handyman stuff – so the one that says ‘hot’ is actually for the cold water, and the one that says ‘cold’ is actually for the hot,” he said, stopping outside the bathroom. “And you can use any of the towels hanging in there, I’m not a big fan of those decorative towels some people have,” he said.
Jeremy: Jeremy graciously took the shirt and took it with him as he followed Theo into the bathroom. He listened to the explanation, cracking a smile at the fact that Theo wasn't able to fix such a simple problem. "I'll fix it for you, I mean.. if you'd like it fixed. I have some pliers back at the dorm, it wouldn't take much, and it's the least I can do for... everything you've done for me." Jer may not be known for his skills in the kitchen but he loved to fix things, he wasn't ashamed to flaunt it either, especially toward his love interest.
"Sure, ok." Jeremy replied, fighting the temptation to remove his shirt then to put Theo on edge, but decided against it. What they were doing wasn't exactly correct, even if it felt amazing, Jer was sure there was a part of Theo that was considerably panicked about what had taken place this morning.
Theo: “Oh, no, you can’t change it now,” Theo said playfully. “I’ve already got a system in my head worked out – the H stands for ‘Hoo boy, that’s cold,’ and the C stands for ‘Christ, that’s hot.’ That’s how I remember which one’s which.” It was a dumb joke, but it was probably the best example of his stupid sense of humor. He flashed a grin and added, “If you get a chance to fix it, though, I’d be mighty grateful. But it’s nothing.”
He swept his gaze over Jeremy thoughtfully. Now that they were out of bed, things felt even more surreal. A part of him didn’t know how to act, but the other part of him wanted to act as if everything was normal. He figured he just needed time to think on it. “I’ll be in the living room, but take your time. And make yourself at home, yeah?” He backed away down the hall, giving Jeremy another smile before he disappeared into the main room.
Jeremy: "Oh! Ok!" He sarcastically digressed, raising his hands up dramatically. "Wouldn't want to ruin the sacred Theo Karsen system." Jere couldn't stay serious and ended with a happy laugh, mostly from the names he'd assigned to the confused knobs.
"Right... thanks." He gently said, smiling back to him before he completely vanished from his sight. Jer shut the door and started the shower.
