"A New Type of Dog Show" - from Series 2 of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme
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Transcript:
"So, Mr. Cruft, I gather you have some innovation you wish to put before me?"
"Yes, sir. In a nutshell, I believe I have hit upon a formula for an entirely new type of dog show."
"Indeed. And how did you first become interested in dog shows, Mr. Cruft?"
"I think it was when I realized I had a name that a dog could easily say."
[Audience Laughter]
"I see. Well, nevertheless, I fear I cannot believe that there is any profitable type of dog show left to be invented."
"Yet I believe I have one."
(Scoff) "Oh, come, come, sir. There exist now contests the purpose of which is to determine which dog is the fastest, which dog is the superior fighter...even which dog is the most effective at bending sheep to his will. What aspect of the canine can possibly remain untouched?"
"My idea is this: A competition to determine which dog looks most like...a dog."
[Audience Laughter]
"Which dog looks most like a dog?"
"Precisely."
"But...do not all dogs look like dogs?"
"Perhaps. But some dogs look more like dogs than other dogs do."
[Audience Laughter]
"No they don't."
"They will if we say they do. I propose that we, as the organizers of the contest, draw a picture of a dog, and the winner will be the dog that looks most like the picture we drew."
"But...dogs vary widely from each other in appearance. Surely, er, different breeds and so on..."
"So much the better. We can have sub-competitions: the Cocker Spaniel that looks most like a Cocker Spaniel, the Sealyham most like a Sealyham...and then, the winners of these contests will be pitted up against one another and we will finally be able to determine whether the Labrador that looks most like a Labrador looks more like a Labrador than the Pug that looks most like a Pug looks like a Pug."
[Audience Laughter]
"And, tell me, will the dogs at any point be called upon to do anything?"
"On no account. No, the temperament, abilities, or character of the dog will be entirely irrelevant. Our sole interest will be in selecting the dog most like the picture of a dog drawn by us."
"But what can a dog or an owner possibly do to make a dog look more like the picture?"
"Nothing! But they can breed future dogs in such a way as to attempt to get closer to it."
"Ah... I believe I understand at last. By this method, you hope to encourage wise breeding of the animals to ensure healthier, fitter specimens in the future."
"Not really, no. No, I expect it will encourage intense inbreeding from a catastrophically small stock, thus making dogs less healthy, less fit, and more mad."
[Audience Laughter]
"Then for god's sake, man, why do it?"
"I think...it will help sell dog food."
[Audience Laughter]
"Oh. Well. We do sell dog food..."
"Precisely!"
[Audience Laughter, Applause]
/End Transcript
