#jill shepard

[mechanized-mass-effect]

just a few of the snapshots of Jills journey. was a fun ride. music video coming soon. stay tuned folks. 

[ravel-puzzlewell]

while I absolutely hate all these “punch Khalisah lol” jokes, I do think her interviews have a lot of comedic potential, like, she’s ABSOLUTELY a meme on Normandy. People will ask Shepard obnoxious disingenuous leading questions and she answers every time, as long as they point something at her like a microphone

Garrus, sticking a sniper rifle’s scope at Shepard after she told him to hack a lock manually without medigel: Commander Shepard, is it true that you’re refusing to let your crew use medigel because you’re illegally selling it in large quantities on the black market?

Shepard:Thank you for your question, Khalisah. While it’s true that I’m limiting the unnecessary spending of medigel, I assure you all of it is spent in help of our current crucial mission. As you know, biotics need higher calories intake than usual humans, and as I am a specialized biotic adept, I need even more calories. So to save Alliance money on buying me huge amounts of food, I simply eat medigel.

Tali, cackling: Have you considered letting your crew just do their jobs?

Shepard: While I think my subordinates really just need to get gud at doing their jobs without cheating, I am also trying to find alternative sources of calories. Currently I’m considering following an advice from my esteemed colleague Urdnot Wrex and starting to eat my enemies.

___

Joker, pointing his hat at Shepard after she agreed with Tali over him in a minor argument about space ships: Commander, can you explain why you’ve decided to betray humanity in favor of quarians?

Shepard: As you’ve mentioned yourself in several interviews we had, Khalisah, I’ve already betrayed humanity when I accepted the position of the Council’s Spectre. And to be quite honest with you, I really like how it feels. I know the quarians are not a very orthodox choice to sell your loyalties to, but I’m simply running out of options. I’ve tried geth, but they’re already engaged with my competitor Saren.

Joker: Then how come you’re still in command of the best ship the Alliance has even after disparaging it’s fleet?

Shepard: You see, Khalisah, there’s only one pilot who can handle Normandy, and between you and me, he’s absolutely insufferable and I’m the only one who can tolerate him. So it’s either me or the parking lot.

______

 Ashley, sticking her head out of Mako and pointing the tank’s canon at Shepard while Wrex and Shep are taking selfies with the dead Thresher Maw: Commander, how can you comment on animal cruelty to the endangered species?

Shepard, climbing on top of the Thresher Maw to talk directly into the canon: Not to worry, Khalisah, I have a permit for hunting and population number control!

 Ash: What permit?

 Shepard: Right here, it says “I’m a Spectre and I can do what I want”

[ask-fem-shep]

This is called the; 'I didn't even remotely try, today.'

[whichenbywitch]

Hey remember, I have an ask blog! @ask-fem-shep go follow!!

[ravel-puzzlewell]

Shepard waking Joker up at 3 AM after Legion’s loyalty mission

“Ok, listen, the pre-war quarians probably had robot dogs and virtual simulation pets, like tamagotchi, pokemon, shit like that, right? Tali has a petname for her combat drone, they absolutely did.“

“Ugh...shit, what time is it?“

“And geth are 100% software right, so they can’t die from time passing because if the hardware gets too old, they can be uploaded to somewhere else and be fine. So the programs from the pre-war time still exist on the geth servers, Legion even showed me recordings from one of them. “

“Riveting stuff. We have a mission in uh... Four hours?“

“So that means there are virtual pets forced to fight in a war.“

“Wait, wait. You mean like geth pikachu fighting for the Reapers? Okay, fine, that’s hilarious.“

“It’s inhumane! Okay, it’s a little bit funny, but mostly tragic. They were programmed to be miserable without organic’s attention. Imagine! There are abandoned dogs on geth servers who haven’t been petted for generations. Don’t you have a heart?“

“Ok, ok, sure, I’m really sad for the geth puppies, but um... what’s the emergency?“

“It should be our first priority, nay, a moral imperative to download all of them into a mobile platform so I can pet them.“

“You’ve gotta be shitting me. Aren’t geth like... people? You’re friends with Legion.“

“This is not how the geth work. Of course I wouldn’t upload Legion into a robot dog! You’re gonna embarrass me in front of my AI friends, Jeff.“

“It’s 3 AM!“

“Geth are not “people”, they are a collection of individual programs who achieve self-awareness through networking. They don’t have a coherent personality like EDI, they were not designed for that. They don’t just become absorbed into a single mind when they are uploaded to hardware with others, they all retain their primary functions, priorities and perspectives, which is why they make decisions by voting. If your home appliances had to unionize with your car to prevent you from destroying them, it doesn’t mean they suddenly forgot who they are.”

“Hold on for just a sec, you mean that all geth are basically three toasters and a roomba in a trench coat?“

“Essentially. They use specialized programs for warfare now, of course. Legion is a consensus of over a 1000 programs, optimized for scouting, data processing, interacting with organics and long periods of isolated functioning. Comparing him to pet VIs is ridiculous. It’s like saying “How can you keep hamster as a pet, your boyfriend is also organic.“

“Okay fine, calm down. Where would you even upload these virtual pets? Normal geth are, you know, kinda people-looking. Wouldn’t it be weird to be petting a humanoid robot?“

“...you know how geth colossus are sort of puppy-shaped?“

“What?!“

“Well, they have four legs, and before they shoot a rocket at you, they put their front legs together, like a puppy begging for a treat. And the panel over the flashlight on their heads, how they raise it like an eyebrow? It’s ADORABLE. Kind of like a dog standing on attention.“

“With all due respect, babe, you’re out of your fucking mind.“

“You just never saw them up close.”

“And I plan to keep it that way!”

“We can throw out that shitty “Hammerhead” and keep it in the cargo hold.“

“No, you can’t keep a geth tank as a pet on the Normandy!“

“No as in it won’t physically fit, or no as in you’re coward who’s scared of big dogs?“

[ravel-puzzlewell]

Jill has the classic “Ruthless Antihero thinks of the love interest to control the rage” dynamic with Joker, but not in like “purity and morality” way, it’s more of “I thought of you and decided to deal with bullshit in a cool and funny way instead of just losing my temper.”

like she’ll be running around on Citadel’s maintenance catwalks, trailing an asshole turian and his bodyguard with Thane going “Do you have the target, Shepard? Have you got him? Can you give me an update?” nonstop in her ear, while quietly fuming like how did this man manage to become the best assassin in the galaxy if he can’t track two people for twenty fucking seconds without my help

and then some idiot tries to stop her like “What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be up there!” and Jill needs to deal with him quick bc it’s been 15 seconds and Thane is all “What is he doing? Stay close, Shepard. Shepard, what’s his status?!”

and her first instinct is to be like “I don’t have time for this!” and just biotically throw the dude out of her way, but then she thinks “What would be funny to tell Joker back on the Normandy?” and goes “What are YOU doing here?! There’s a bomb! RUN!”

and when he does, she’s like “haha I can’t believe it worked, I’m a comedy *genius*, Jeff is gonna love it :) :)” and this carries her thru the rest of the mission’s bullshit when she has to save racist turian hostage from Thane’s family drama, and then talk the cop into giving wannabe-hitman community service for killing ppl

[ravel-puzzlewell]

Shepard and Tali totally bond over being thrifty scavengers tho. Their “girls nights” are like Tali going through tech debris for good parts and Shepard sorting her inventory into “keep”, “sell” and “medigel” piles

Shepard, holding up ridiculously looking bright yellow armor: Does it bring me joy? I don’t think so.

Tali: It’s a turian armor tho.

Shepard: You’re so right. Does it bring me joy to make Garrus wear this? Absolutely. Keeping!

__

Tali, holding a pipe in front of Shepard’s face like it’s a microphone: Commander Shepard, how can you comment on wasting the taxpayers money on scanning every rock in Milky Way? 

Shepard: Thank you for asking, Khalisah, you always have such vital questions. I would also like to know where the taxpayers money are being spent, because it’s certainly not on my funding! The Alliance makes me BUY my equipment from them, which is why I have to go through all trashcans like a raccoon! 

[ravel-puzzlewell]

Shepard in a shuttle on her way to the mission: I don’t know, I don’t think I like this. If I’m on a ride and I’m not driving, there should be booze, hot babes, Jacuzzi and a sun roof so we can stick out and shoot guns and spray champagne. Just sitting there is boring.

Garrus: Beats being dropped off the Normandy in Mako.

Shepard: But it was *fun*! Come on, Garrus, don’t you miss how they would just fucking throw us into lava?

Garrus: *looks at the camera like he’s in the Office*

Joker on the comm: Hey, that’s not fair, I never threw you into lava! Every time Mako ended up in lava, you got it there yourself.

Shepard: I have to do everything myself in this family.

Joker: You should’ve told me you want to get dropped into volcanoes, we could  arrange that easily.

Shepard: Well, you gotta read a girl’s mind sometimes, Joker. Can’t only coast on clean drops and bouquets.

Joker: Roger that, Commander.

Garrus: He’s not going to drop us into volcano, right?

Shepard: Garrus, live a little. You already look like you swam in lava, what do you have to lose?

Garrus: Joker, I’ll pay you fifty credits if you do it when I’m not on the team.