Lonely (Jim Kirk x Fem!Reader)
Summary: Jim’s constant playing starts to get the best of you.
Hi everyone!! Its been a while since I’ve written anything that hasn’t been a request, but I’ve run out!! Send me more!!! This is a callout for me personally lol and it really helped me realize the things I’ve been doing to myself for a stupid guy oops. Originally there wasn’t supposed to be anything happy at all in this, but as a reader, I would be unsatisfied so I made it reciprocated :) I hope you all like it!!
Trigger Warnings: hella angst, swearing, self-hatred Word Count:1885
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You sat there in the crowded mess hall, pressed up against your closest friends on the ship, but you had never in your life felt this lonely. You could see him from across the room, sitting awfully close to a pretty blonde ensign, grinning. Your heart wrenched painfully in your chest, forcing you to look away. The crew was celebrating a successful diplomatic mission, where the captain, yet again, was able to cleverly captivate the queen of another possible federation ally. Yeah. He had probably slept with her or something.
You and Jim had a painful relationship. For you, anyway.
You weren’t sure how much longer you were going to be able to take it. You had been working on the bridge with him for almost a year, and you had caught feelings quicker than you wanted to and you weren’t going to lie; it scared you. You were afraid of how much you loved him, just because he gave you some attention one time. You knew that you were just another name on the long list of girls that fell into his charming trap. You felt ashamed.
When you glanced back over to Jim’s table to find them kissing, you felt sick. You hadn’t noticed that your friends had all moved away from where you had been sitting, so it was easy for you to slip away unnoticed. Tears began burning in the back of your throat as the doors to the mess hissed open, letting a chilled wave of fresher air cool your skin. You started to feel better. You decided to head for the observation deck, since the system the ship was flying through was rumored to be particularly beautiful. Anything to get your mind off of Jim.
You stopped by your quarters quickly to change into something a bit more comfortable than your uniform.
You hugged your arms into your chest as you walked down the cold empty hallways. You had thought his sudden interest in you was actual interest, not just some phase that he would soon grow out of. Were you simply not good enough for him to want to stay? After you had kissed for the first time you were sure that it had meant something, even though you both had been drunk, but when he never brought it up you became unsure. The thought that maybe he had just forgotten it had even happened, or worse, didn’t even realize it was you that he kissed, but you didn’t want that option.
You couldn’t help but feel that you just weren’t enough for him. After he started distancing himself from you, unfamiliar self-consciousness started to descend on you like a plague. You started scrutinizing every little thing about yourself; your hair, your facial features- even the most minuscule and irrelevant things like your jawline and the color of nail polish you wore. You started changing, probably not for the better, and suddenly the only thing that mattered was getting Jim’s attention to re-spark his interest. You started feeling disgusted by your body and started feeling anxious about how you dressed. Even conversation became something that concerned you and you had become cautious even of the things you spoke about. The only thing you started caring about was impressing him. It never worked. It was eating you alive.
The doors to the observatory slid open and your eyes widened. The system was breathtaking. It almost pushed Jim from your mind. You settled down on a plush couch in front of the window and gazed into the stars.
ᓚᘏᗢ
Jim felt empty. He had tried to find distraction from his issues in any way possible, but nothing worked; not even his everlasting love of pursuing women. He had found the blonde ensign in the midst of the party, easily pulling her under his spell. He tried to enjoy being around her, but he lost interest as soon as he spotted her in the crowd. He had been worried about her for the past few days; she didn’t look like herself. She sat by herself sipping on a drink one of her friends had given her, staring off into space. It wasn’t like her to spend a party by herself.
Jim kept his eye on her for most of the night, sending her glances now and then to make sure she didn’t leave with someone.
Maybe it wasn’t fair of him. He knew that he had feelings for her, but he didn’t want to pressure her. He knew it was a mistake to kiss her that night. He felt like he had taken advantage of her since they were both wasted and he thought that never speaking of it would make it go away. It didn’t, for him at least. He wasn't sure how she stood on the kiss, but he started noticing after it had happened that she started acting differently. He couldn’t put his finger on it.
Jim knew he wasn’t good for her. He didn’t know if he was ready for commitment, though he wanted to be with her so badly. So, instead of facing his problems, he ran from them. He started to distance himself from her and no matter how many times he had told himself that it was to keep her safe, it still felt like a lie. He noticed that she didn’t take his distance well. He felt terrible.
He had been lost in thought, and barely registered it when the blonde kissed him. Jim lightly moved her off of him and grabbed her hand. The girl was wasted as fuck, and Jim didn’t want to leave her by herself. He looked one more time to where [y/n] was sitting to find her seat empty. His heart dropped. She couldn’t have seen them kiss, did she? Or worse yet, leave with someone else?
He pulled the blonde out of the mess and escorted her back to her quarters. He didn’t intend on going back to the party, not if she wasn’t there. Instead, he decided to just take a walk through the empty halls and enjoy the silence.
Shaking his head, Jim rounded a corner to find the doors to the observation room open. Curious, he poked his head inside to see who was in there. His breath hitched in his throat.
She was sitting there, beautiful as ever, gazing at the stars with her back turned to him. He didn’t know what to say.
Before he could decide, however, the motion sensor of the door activated and the doors started to close, the hissing noise startling her. She jumped and turned around, eyes wide as they met Jim’s.
“Hey,” he breathed.
ᓚᘏᗢ
You were frozen. Internally, you were freaking out since you were in your loungewear and your hair was a mess and Jim was standing right in front of you, but your face was stuck looking like a lost puppy. Finally, though, you were able to force words out of your mouth.
“Jim?” you cocked your head. “What are you doing here?”
Jim’s mouth opened and then closed again. He had absolutely no idea what to say.
“Shouldn’t you be celebrating?” You asked, getting nervous. Was he uncomfortable speaking with you one on one? Did he wish it was someone else in that room?
He blinked and shook his head. “Ah- Um- Yeah, I guess,” he stumbled. “I just needed some air and I saw that someone left the door open-” He cut himself off. “I’m sorry-”
“No, you’re fine-”
He sighed. “Can I start over?”
You nodded, patting the space next to you. He sat down.
“Listen [y/n],” he paused. “I don’t know what’s come between us lately, but I want you to know that I miss you.”
You blinked at him in shock, butterflies erupting in your stomach.
“I... missed you too,” you nodded, smiling.
Jim grinned back.
“I value our friendship a lot, and I hope that whatever came between us-”
“This is about the kiss, isn’t it,” Jim cut you off. Your heart dropped. “Listen, if you wish it was someone else, or feel bad about it-"
"No! No," you interrupted. "Seriously, that's not it."
"Then tell me what's going on," he pressed.
"I can't," you said quietly.
"Why not?" he continued. "[y/n], you can tell me anything."
"Jim, stop pressing me."
"I can't help if you don't tell me-"
"It's because I like you!" you snapped.
His eyes widened. "Why didn't you just tell me ages ago?"
"Because you don't feel the same way," you looked away.
"But that's not true," Jim reached for your hand. "I like you [y/n]."
You moved away from him. "That doesn't change anything."
"Why not?" he frowned. "We can be together now. If that's what you want."
"I want that," you, said quietly.
"Then what's holding you back?" he reached out again and you turned on him, eyes blazing.
"Because, Jim. When we kissed that night, you never brought it up. I thought we had something, even back then, but you made me feel like it was nothing to you. I felt like nothing to you," you seethed. "Then, to make it worse, you pushed me away and started flirting around with other girls right in front of me. Do you know how that made me feel, Jim? I felt worthless. And the stupid thing is that I still miss you like crazy," your words started getting caught in your throat. "I think about you all the time, and I want to be with you."
Jim stared at you, a flabbergasted look on his face.
"But I can't," you looked away.
"I had no idea I made you feel that way," Jim whispered. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. You were really drunk, and I wasn't as much and I felt like I had crossed a line. I had no idea you felt that way for me. If I had, I would have told you I had feelings a long, long time ago."
He moved a little closer. This time you didn't flinch.
"I distanced myself from you because I thought you didn't feel the same for me. I thought that maybe the kiss had freaked you out, and I wanted to give you space. I swear that I never, ever wanted to hurt you." He took your hand, running his thumb over your knuckled. "I could barely take being away from you. Trust me, I couldn't stop thinking of you. All I want is a second chance. I want to be with you."
You wiped the tears off of your face with the back of your free hand before meeting his gaze. You leaned down and rested your head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."
Jim chuckled. "No worries. I deserved it."
You lifted your head and looked in his eyes again. "so, you really want to do this?"
He nodded, grinning. "I really want to do this."
You smirked. "What about that blonde ensign from the party?"
Jim chuckled. "Long forgotten."
You smiled up at him. He glanced down at your lips and used his other hand to tilt your chin up, closing the distance.
You pulled away with a smile still on your face. "Finally, a real kiss."
It was Jim's turn to smirk. "Care for another?"