Lest We Rest Upon Our Graves | C15
Alma was slow to eat but she took her time to enjoy it, even if it was shitty ration packs but she felt like she could devote some time to actually… concentrate on what she was putting in her mouth. Maybe it had something to do with the shot of painkillers she asked Nalin for but she felt relaxed too.
She distantly knew she wasn’t alone in the kitchen, people had come and gone but she knew Jin was lurking about but hadn’t thought too much about his presence. She would normally be in her little office but she had left Nalin to look into her old medical file in peace and quiet. No point breathing down her neck about it.
Still, two days.
Two days until Max and his team showed up. Two days until she could be treated. 48—or 40 hours now since the call (since So’lek had informed her once she had sorted out her nosebleed) but she would be treated. Her aneurysm would be tied off. She almost couldn’t believe it… that she had a chance here. She would live.
She would survive this. Still, she had a long road ahead of it if she had to push through after her recovery in trying to make it up to the Sarentu…and the Resistance.
She wasn’t sure which method Max was thinking of to cure her condition.
Clipping the aneurysm was not ideal, not for her age range and the nature of her condition given how invasive it would be and it would lead to a minimum of five days of bedrest but it would take about two months to be medically clear. In that time, her mental capacity would not be great in recovery for a few weeks so she hoped that people would be patient with her if that was the only option.
Coiling was the second option, the aneurysm was filled with platinum coils, less invasive as they’d put a tube in through an entry point in her main artery, most likely from her thigh, follow it up to her brain and directly into the aneurysm and go from there. She’d be out for the count for a week in recovery and return to light duties after that.
Alma knew her chances were slim but if Max had a plan, she’d follow it. She hadn’t done as much as she should have to make up for her actions but she did have a plausible reason for it; a broken arm and So’lek’s hanging threat. Once she was better… once she was in the all-clear and not sick anymore, then she supposed she could… look into better ways of helping with the Sarentu.
More than just fixing the smog.
In all honesty, she didn’t know what she could do for them.
“Cortez?”
Alma returned from her mind, blinking to see Jin standing in front of her table, looking a little uncertain but in his hands he held a delicate box.
“Alex said...this was for you?”
Alma swallowed thickly, setting her empty ration bag aside. “You’re done?”
Jin-young nodded. “It’s nothing fancy but… I tried to add some beauty into it regardless. For them.”
The box was big, she could see it’d fit both her fiancé and daughter’s remains in snugly and would bury well. Of course, she didn’t expect fancy; she needed it to be practical. It was a dark, delta wood with a light polish and simple joints but it looked like he had carved a few Pandoran leaf patterns into each side. Something nice. It had no metal latch but he had a ball of string in his pocket from the thread sticking out of it.
Alma rose to her feet, opening her hands for it. “Thank you.”
Hesitantly Jin passed it over though looked conflicted still.
“I’ll put them in now, tomorrow night, I’ll bury them.” She explained, though headed towards the medical wing. She felt his presence follow and linger but she didn’t focus on him once she got to her daughter’s bones and set the box down and opened it up.
She reached first for the bag of Michael’s ashes, no longer a wet clump of bone dust and ash but had dried out under a heating lamp. Mouldable, coarse material under her fingertips.
“Would this box hold loose ash?” Alma couldn’t help but ask as she eyed the box. “I…don’t want to bury ashes in a plastic bag again.”
“I put wax along the inside so nothing will escape the sides but I’ll need to wax the lid shut to avoid anything escaping,” Jin spoke softly, creeping a little closer though he looked…tense. “I... I heard a little bit but…who are you putting in the box?”
Alma didn’t answer straight off, taking a minute to open up the bag and slowly tip it into the bottom of the box. It was like listening to sand falling, but grey and far lumpier with a few wet clumps here and there before she patted the bag to be as ash-free as possible and shook the box lightly to even the surface lightly.
“My fiancé and daughter.” Her voice was soft as she spoke, not hearing the soft intake of breath. “At least…now they’ll have a proper and respectful burial. Somewhere nice.” Somewhere beautiful and not at risk of being peed on. She’d not let them desecrate them. They deserved the best.
Jin moved around, watching softly as she set a small sheet of scrap fabric between the ashes before she began to move the little bones to rest on top. Her fingers paused a little on the toothless top jaw, thumbing gently over the divert in the bone before she set it into place.
“I’m…sorry for your loss, Alma,” Jin spoke after a moment, using her first name for the first time in a while.
Alma swallowed her grief with a deep inhale as she picked up her engagement ring, running her finger over the metal band and blue jewel. “You know, I spent years thinking what had happened to them was an accident…or nature. I thought I…moved on.”
“Did…it get easier?” Jin asked, “Their loss?”
Alma hummed, not a committal sound. “I spent…weeks on drugs and physically recovering. I didn’t really comprehend the loss. Throwing myself into TAP work just… was enough for me to carry on. I suppressed my feelings about their deaths. Wanted to forget, even. Though I had moved on. It…all feels raw now.”
Jin remained quiet before his shoulders sagged. Not content but Alma figured he was just trying to make sense of his feelings. No one else knew that pain like him and… her know that he knew she lost her almost-husband.
“Where did you meet?”
Alma chuckled softly but lacked heart. “Pandora training. Michael worked as an Xenoanthropologist with a medical degree but we both had to do the physical training as a group. He…wanted to see the Na’vi and to learn more of their cultures, see how they were structured. He used to talk about old tribes on Earth and wanted to see if Na’vi’s teachings would benefit humans on Earth. Michael tried to get an avatar but he couldn’t pass the psychological tests required for a stable link.” It would have been nice if he had. He probably could have taken over at TAP; using his avatar whilst staying at Hell’s Gate with her and giving the Sarentu the attention they needed as they adapted.
If he had and survived past the war, maybe by now they could have had Na’vi-like kids she could have carried; in a better body meant for this world. Old enough now to be the same age as the Sarentu; old enough to be their friends.
Wishful thinking.
All of that was dead in the water. Deader now without her avatar.
Her last avatar… wasn’t worth growing now. She knew, as much as she wanted and hoped for a future with her last remaining avatar hope; no one would allow her the grace of actually growing it. She couldn’t take that pain if someone else killed it again. Not again. It would die but she’d let it die by her own actions this time. She could bear that grief with a heavy heart but bear it all the same. If someone else did… she’d crack and crumble.
“He sounds like an alright man…but why did he join TAP if he was learning about the cultures? TAP raised Na’vi like humans.”
“Mercer needed someone at TAP to help him understand the clan’s political structures; who to talk to and how to talk to them. Michael… didn’t know TAP’s intentions with the Clan’s interest in their children. He thought at first the children brought there to be learned from, as means of helping them adjust with humans while TAP finds them a new clan to leave them with once we had learned from them and educated the kids on us.” Alma explained. “Mercer included a Non-disclosure into our contracts. He was…furious when he found out what really happened.”
Jin’s head tilted. “That’s…kinda a relief to hear.”
“He broke up with me for some after that. He got back with me officially once I told him about the baby. Old school really.” She held up the ring at that. Sure, the few cases stress of their situation had led them back to her bed in their break-up time but it was mutual release and unwilling to take anyone else. Worked out their frustrations in a less than ideal way but both had needed it.
She hadn’t let anyone into her bed after that since Michael. A few close calls but her heart hadn’t been willing to allow her to take it that far. Physically wouldn’t survive it at the moment with her condition, not that she had an option now. Alma knew she was undesirable by most, if not by all available men. If they were interested in the past then they had preferred her avatar form.
“Was it… an accident? Or did Mercer-“
“No.” She interrupted him with a stern look. “I am not going to entertain that insinuation, nor is it appropriate, Jin-young.”
Jin-young blinked a little at her tone. “Right. Sorry.”
Alma slipped the ring back onto her finger, gently closing her dead’s coffin. “Thank you for this box. I appreciate the thought and care you put into it.” But she left it at that as she picked it up and left him at the desk to return to her office.
-
Nalin looked still engrossed in her file though her attention turned as Alma returned before she leant back but didn’t make much of a remark on her expression as she set the box down onto the desk and followed suit onto a rocky surface.
“Is… is the printer working?” Alma opted to ask.
“Yes.”
Alma nodded. “I want to print a photo out and have it next to my bed.” It’d be nice to look at it again, as much as it hurt. Ignoring it… she had to process it sooner or later. She had plenty of time in recovery to help get her on her way.
Nalin nodded, “Have at it. I’ll be back in a second, I need a drink.”
So, when Nalin got up and left, Alma took the chair and flicked through the drive plugged in and found the photograph she wanted.
It was that one of her and Michael holding the baby bump. One she knew wasn’t too raw to feel in watching. His face was so happy. Content. The same day he had recorded that dumb little video clip that she was sure was on the drive too (she vaguely remembered downloading stuff from his personal monitor). Alma didn’t check. She already had the memory; she didn’t want to see the repeat. She was already shaking the can of emotional worms; she didn’t need to drop it too.
With confirmation it was printing, with the 3D scan of Amanda, Alma sat back with a sigh but thankfully, Nalin returned with a glass of water and what looked like rations.
“So,” Nalin started, “I’ve been thinking about what you asked of me earlier.”
Alma straightened up. “Yes?”
Nalin set her glass down at the side of her desk and perched beside it but still picked on what was in the bag slowly. “It’s a big ask, Cortez. So, if you want me to go down with you to bury your fiancé and daughter, I need you to do something for me.”
Alma’s head turned. “What?”
Nalin lowered her bag. “Talk to the Sarentu kids… or at least Ri’nela. I know you want to wait till after the surgery when they get here but I want you to put in the effort before that. I can be there if you’re too scared to be alone with her but I want you to try and start mending some bridges before that. Show that effort isn’t about what you’re going through. At the end of the day, you need to remember that this isn’t about you.”
Alma’s jaw remained tense. It was be all easy to call the offer off and go down herself but… she didn’t want to do it alone. Talking to Kìoetey… was a little off the board for her. Her arm twinged still about it. “Teylan—“
“No, Teylan doesn’t count. He’s still very vulnerable and not at all in a place you can have such an emotional talk with him.” Nalin dismissed softly. “He’s not ready.”
Her shoulders sagged a little. “Ri’nela’s already dismissed all of my apologies.”
“It’s been some time for her to process since the revelation happened. She has given you multiple opportunities to talk to her the last few days and you’ve not taken it. She is willing to talk. I don’t know if she’s willing to accept the apologies but she’d willing to hear them.” Nalin replied intently. “I want what’s best for Ri’nela too. I know you do as well otherwise, you wouldn’t have backed off.”
“I don’t want to talk to her about my condition…”
“I won’t make you but she’s gonna find out when you’re in a medical bed recovering from brain surgery. I can’t put you behind a screen and say ‘All good’. My confidentiality is limited in a space like this. People are smart. But again, is your condition something you need to tell her in comparison to everything else?”
Alma tusked a little but she did have a point. Her condition… probably wasn’t the most important thing anymore when she was going to be fine. Nalin wasn’t asking her to tell them about…her but their previous problems. Perhaps she had focused on the wrong thing before? There was still a lot unsaid between her and the Sarentu.
“Perhaps…you could be a mediator?” Alma suggested carefully, “My personal health is not on subject but… the rest of it? If it goes anything like after the burial or what Kìoetey did, then maybe we need a middle person?”
Nalin frowned but didn’t look dismissive as she mulled. “I can be.” She decided slowly, “But I won’t be easy if things become messy.”
Which was a clear, but subtle warning that she was firmly not gonna sugar coat anything. Acceptable, she supposed
“Okay.”
Nalin eyed the monitor for a moment. “I’ll finish reading this later.” Gesturing to it, “I think Ri’nela’s outside.”
“Wait, now?”
“Why not? They’re back from the Upper Plains now and no doubt celebrating. Plus, the party will be kicking off in a few hours anyway.”
Alma grimaced a little. A party… maybe it would be best if she sat that out. Maybe Anqa could drop her off at the station, she could sleep in peace and quiet as well…probably the only best night for rest she’d get before the operation. She wouldn’t be able to eat anything or drink much from tomorrow afternoon in preparation for the surgery so it was going to be less comfortable tomorrow.
“Fine.”
-
Alma walked behind Nalin as they padded out of the airlock and into the cave where most of the Na’vi were still about and she noticed So’lek sitting by the fire close to the stairs, looking to be carving something. She turned her gaze ahead as he noticed her eyes on him and she felt his eyes linger on the back of her head as she went.
“How are your pain levels?” Nalin asked quietly and abruptly as they continued on towards the steps up to the higher levels to the back exit. “I should have asked earlier.”
“Consistent but manageable. Typically about a level four on the scale” Alma replied, adjusting her mask strap a little as it tugged on one of the hidden wires. “The pain meds you gave earlier has helped, probably now at an early three.”
“I’ve got a minor doze I can give you tonight but your system will need to be clear tomorrow to process everything out by Friday. Mixed meds can be dangerous. Especially with anaesthetics.”
“Alright.”
It took a few more minutes before they reached the top. Outside, she could hear soft talking before her jaw tensed to hear both Ri’nela’s voice but also Teylan’s in friendly banter… and Kìoetey’s chuckle ahead. It almost made her stop and turn back but Nalin gave her a hard look as she paused in her step and forced her onwards.
“<… All I’m saying, Teylan is that you should allow Nefika to make you a new hat. Something more colourful.>” Kìoetey was saying, “< or Raj? He’s not as good with Na’vi clothes but he does put a lot of effort and thought in. I considered the thought of Raj and Nefika working together for something but… I think it’ll end with blood drawn and both artists arguing over conflicting interests.>”
“Raj fighting Nefika? That sounds very odd.” Teylan replied in English than Na’vi, but he sounded amused. “He’s very nice…but Nefika is probably bigger than him so if it ever goes to a fight, it’ll be obvious who wins.”
“<I think at best it’ll be verbal spats>” Kìoetey continued, still speaking Na’vi “<She’s very sharp-witted and knows what she likes. Raj has pride in his work too. He does complain about the limit of quality supplies to create clothes. I think he’d throw down with Nefika if he heard her call his creations filth…>”
There was a trail-off when Alma was spotted by the young Sarentu warrior. The amusement of their conversation died on her face before both Ri’nela and Teylan seemed to turn towards them.
Ri’nela’s nose turned up a fraction, her face wiping clear of emotion but turned her attention down to a bowl of fruits she was tending to with her knife. Teylan’s ears pinned back a fraction before he had a conflicted expression linger on his face, his tail lashed a fraction and his hand came to a new armband he had around his bicep. Kìoetey looked to be sewing something but Alma didn’t know what it was from where she was standing.
Three sets of large, suspicious, yellow eyes were suddenly very unnerving that Alma didn’t move, but Nalin had the sense to broach the topic before Alma could consider pilling the rip-cord.
“Sorry for interrupting you,” Nalin apologised, “I was wondering if…you’d allow Cortez to come and talk? I know it’s not my business but I know there’s a lot unsaid and with the new guys coming in a few days, it’ll be really busy along with our celebrations.”
Alma swallowed her unease.
Kìoetey’s eyes turned toward Ri’nela first. “I’ll be willing to talk.”
“I think I’ll go inside. There’s going to be a lot of Na’vi so…I think I’ll help get Na’vi food for us all. So’lek might teach me a few dishes” Teylan decided, rising to his feet and otherwise quickly making his way from the circle and leaving Ri’nela to sigh deeply.
Alma’s eyes followed him away. He comes to her to talk alone once and now he can’t stand to talk with her. He had probably been talked to by Ri’nela about his visit… but Alma didn’t know for sure. It wouldn’t surprise her really he was withdrawing entirely. It still just… made her feel sad. Maybe he’d be more willing to talk to her from her medical bed?
“What do you want to talk about?” Ri’nela asked as if she wasn’t already aware.
“I… I came to apologise if you’re willing to hear it.” Alma clarified, glad to keep her posture tight.
Kìoetey’s eyes flickered to Ri’nela, watching her response carefully.
Ri’nela set down her Shelter fruit and her knife and wiped her fingers with a clean rag and covered the bowl of goods with it. “Tell me, Cortez, what are you apologising for?”
“Excuse me?” Alma frowned in confusion.
“If you want to apologise to me… and my clan, then tell me in detail what you’re apologising for?” Ri’nela spoke, “One thing is to apologise but I don’t know what your apologies are actually addressing. I want to see where your understanding lies with your words.”
That felt like a trap but she could see the girl’s logic to it. If she failed this, then Ri’nela wasn’t going to be easy. Nalin said nothing beside her but made a curious hum, indicating her approval.
“I’m… sorry for leading Mercer to your clan,” Alma started, her mouth turning a little dry as she felt the girl’s hard stare, “I’m sorry I let my ambitions drive me to consider that the Na’vi clans would willingly hand cover their children for our school. There’s no excuse in that thinking.”
“And?” Ri’nela pressed.
Alma’s fingers grasped the hem of her vest to fiddle. “I’m sorry that I kept up Mercer’s lies following your… abduction and did nothing about it. I just… I was—”
“No personal reasoning’s here, Alma.” Nalin interrupted softly.
Alma’s jaw tightened. “I’m sorry I did nothing to stop the abuse Mercer and Harding did to you all… and for the fact I couldn’t have done something to prevent Aha’ri’s death.”
Kìoetey’s lips pursed, but her eyes turned down to her fabric work.
“Keep going,” Ri’nela said.
“I’m sorry that I put you all into cryo sleep for so long and that I didn’t check sooner.” Alma clarified, “I couldn’t have gotten you out then and there. That is fact. I almost got shot myself in my avatar that day, you wouldn’t have gotten out even if I had tried. I should have put more effort into looking and confirming if you were alive or not than run off my assumption.”
Ri’nela’s head turned, her eyes still narrowed. “What else?”
Alma fumbled a little on that. Her mind scrambled to find another pitfall of hers to address. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything, even after I woke you all up and you came to the Resistance. I shouldn’t have left it so long.”
Ri’nela’s expression didn’t change, even as she exchanged a look with Kìoetey and returned a heavy look. “Not good enough.”
Alma’s shoulders slumped. “W-What am I missing?”
Ri’nela rose to her feet, picking up her fruit bowl. “You don’t understand the sheer depth of our pain that you caused. Our families were shot down around us. We were pulled from our mother and father's corpses and restrained. Caged. We were stripped, disinfected and locked into a foreign prison. Our identities were taken away from us and false ones handed to us by you. Not just Mercer.” Ri’nela said, her voice lacking of any warmth. “We lost our way of being Sarentu. Our stories, traditions, rites… our history was snatched away from us because of you. It will take generations before our clan will begin to take our place fully with the people. All of what we can do now is rebuild and try and reclaim what was stolen from us. Perhaps we will live to see our clan whole again… maybe not.” Ri’nela shook her head. “We didn’t deserve what happened to us… and in all honesty, Cortez. I won’t have you around our clan to see if we will succeed. Yes, you are our ally, I accept that but I won’t have anything more than that for what you did to us.”
Alma’s gaze dropped down to the ground. “I’m sorry.”
“No. No more empty apologies, Cortez.” Ri’nela said coolly. “You have no right to want more from us.”
“I understand.” The words sounded faint on her tongue but Ri’nela just rose to her feet and brushed past her without another word. Kìoetey stayed perhaps ten more seconds before she stood up and left as well.
Alma lingered in the soft wind, her heart heavy but a part of her wondered if Max would take her back to the Eastern base once the surgery was done. If she truly wasn’t wanted… or able to redeem herself into this base of people’s eyes… would leaving this base be the optimal option? Better than living alone at a field lab.
Maybe.
“Come,” Nalin’s hand was almost burning to touch against her cool skin, encouraging her back in. Alma didn’t fight her on that, going willingly.
Masterlist
