#jingo

[bakedbakermom]

fuck terry pulling no punches in this one

[akboro]

[lizormianillustration]

reading terry prattchet is so crazy, cause you'll be reading about a character called something like plinko plonko and their zany exploits, and then he'll just drop a paragraph that goes so insanely hard like -

and then I just have to stare at the wall for a bit.

[veni-vici-vetinari]

"Then if you persist in playing games I will say that before a knight is created he must spend a night's vigil watching his armor-"

"Practically every night of my life," said Vimes. "A man doesn't keep an eye on his armor round here, that man's got no armor in the morning."

"In prayer," said Rust sharply.

"That's me," said Vimes. "Not a night has gone by without me thinking, 'Ye gods, I hope I get through this alive.'"

"—and he must have proved himself on the field of combat. Against other trained men, Vimes. Not vermin and thugs."

Vimes started to undo the strap of his helmet.

"Well, this isn't the best of moments, my lord, but if someone'll hold your coat I can spare you five minutes..."

Vimes antagonising Rust at any given moment

This man’s never taking Vetinari’s role again

[unseenlibrarycardholder]

Jingo Terry Pratchett

[twyll3305]

"You ever met a Klatchian, sarge?" said Nobby, as they began to pace the length of the quiet street. "I mean one of the wild ones."

"Well, no... but you know what? They're allowed three wives! That's criminal, that is."

"Yeah, 'cos here's me and I ain't got one," said Nobby.

"And they eat funny grub. Curry and that."

Nobby gave this some thought. "Like... we do, when we're on late duty."

"Weelll, yerss—but they don't do it properly—"

"You mean runny ear wax yellow with peas and currants in, like your mum used to do?"

"Right! You poke around as much as you like in a Klatchian curry and you won't find a single piece of swede."

"And I heard where they eat sheep's eyeballs, too," said Nobby, international gastro-gnome.

"Right again."

"Not decent stuff like lambs' fry or sweetbreads, then?"

"That's... right." Colon felt that he was being got at in some way."

"Look, Nobby, when all's said and done they ain't the right color and there's an end to it."

"Good job you found out, Fred!" said Nobby, so cheerfully that Sergeant Colon was almost sure he meant it."

"Well, it's obvious," he conceded.

"Er... what is the right color?" said Nobby."

"White, of course!"

"Not brick red, then? 'Cos you—"

"Are you winding me up, Corporal Nobbs?"

"'Course not, sarge. So... what color am I?"

That caused Sergeant Colon to think. You could have found, somewhere on Corporal Nobbs, a shade appropriate to every climate on the disc and a few only found in specialist medical books."

"White's... white's a state of, you know... mind," he said. "It's like... doing an honest day's work for an honest day's pay, that sort of thing. And washing regular."

"Not lazing around, sort of thing."

"Right."

"Or... like... working all hours like Goriff does."

"Nobby—"

"And you never see those kids of his with dirty clo—"

"Nobby, you're just trying to get me going, right? You know we're better'n the Klatchians. Otherwise, what's the point?"

[sexy-pigeon]

I am re-reading "Jingo" and the description of Vimes' attire was just too detailed to ignore

[averycleverpuniwillthinkoflater]

I love how Carrot is the only person who isn't nervous around Vetinari (infact its usually the other way around)

I love how everyone who interacts with Vetinari is always either scared or on guard and usually for good reason, he is almost always in complete control of the conversation and knows it, except around Carrot.

I think this really reflects how Carrots "simpleness" makes him so powerful, Vetinari is the master of complex plots and being 8 steps ahead of everyone else, but Carrot is simple in the way a sharp sword is, and being 8 steps ahead of him just gives him room to charge. This scene in Men at Arms os one of the best examples of this, Vetinari is literally tense the moment Carrot enters the room and clearly has no idea what game Carrot is playing which might be a first for him.

Minor spoilers for men at arms ahead

Carrot entered, marched to the desk, saluted and stood at ease.

Lord Vetinari tensed, very slightly.

'Oh, yes,' he said. 'Corporal Carrot. I was expecting . . . something like this. I'm sure you've come to ask me for . . . something?'

Carrot unfolded a piece of grubby paper, and cleared his throat.

'Well, sir . . . we could do with a new dartboard. You know. For when we're off duty?'

The Patrician blinked. It was not often that he blinked.

'I beg your pardon?'

'A new dartboard, sir. It helps the men relax after their shift, sir.'

Vetinari recovered a little.

'Anotherone? But you had one only last year!'

'It's the Librarian, sir. Nobby lets him play and he just leans a bit and hammers the darts in with his fist. It ruins the board. Anyway, Detritus threw one through it. Through the wall behind it, too.'

'Very well. And?'

'Well . . . Acting-Constable Detritus needs to be let off having to pay for five holes in his breastplate.'

'Granted. Tell him not to do it again.'

'Yes, sir. Well, I think that's about it. Except for a new kettle.'

The Patrician's hand moved in front of his lips. He was trying not to smile. ,

'Dear me. Another kettle as well? What happened to the old one?'

'Oh, we still use it, sir, we still use it. But we're going to need another because of the new arrangements.'

'I'm sorry? What new arrangements?'

Carrot unfolded a second, and rather larger, piece of paper.

'The Watch to be brought up to an establishment strength of fifty-six; the old Watch Houses at the River

Gate, the Deosil Gate and the Hubwards Gate to be reopened and manned on a twenty-four hour

basis—'

The Patrician's smile remained, but his face seemed to pull away from it, leaving it stranded and all alone in the world.

'—a department for, well, we haven't got a name for it yet, but for looking at clues and things like dead bodies, e.g., how long they've been dead, and to start with we'll need an alchemist and possibly a ghoul provided they promise not to take anything home and eat it; a special unit using dogs, which could be very useful, and Lance-Constable Angua can deal with that since she can, um, be her own handler a lot of the time; a request here from Corporal Nobbs that Watchmen be allowed all the weapons they can carry, although I'd be obliged if you said no to that; a—'

Lord Vetinari waved a hand.

'All right, all right,' he said. 'I can see how this is going. And supposing I say no?'

There was another of those long, long pauses, wherein may be seen the possibilities of several different futures.

'Do you know, sir, I never even considered that you'd say no?'

'You didn't?'

'No, sir.'

'I'm intrigued. Why not?'

'It's all for the good of the city, sir. Do you know where the word "policeman" comes from? It means

"man of the city", sir. From the old word polis.'

'Yes. I do know.'

The Patrician looked at Carrot. He seemed to be shuffling futures in his head. Then:

'Yes. I accede to all the requests, except the one involving Corporal Nobbs. And you, I think, should be promoted to Captain.'

'Ye-es. I agree, sir. That would be a good thing for Ankh-Morpork. But I will not command the Watch,

if that's what you mean.'

'Why not?'

'Because I could command the Watch. Because . . . people should do things because an officer tells

them. They shouldn't do it just because Corporal Carrot says so. Just because Corporal Carrot is . . .

good at being obeyed.' Carrot's face was carefully blank.

An interesting point.'

'But there used to be a rank, in the old days. Commander of the Watch. I suggest Samuel Vimes.'

The Patrician leaned back. 'Oh, yes,' he said. 'Commander of the Watch. Of course, that became a rather unpopular job, after all that business with Lorenzo the Kind. It was a Vimes who held the post in those days. I've never liked to ask him if he was an ancestor.'

'He was, sir. I looked it up.'

'Would he accept?'

'Is the High Priest an Offlian? Does a dragon explode in the woods?'

The Patrician steepled his ringers and looked at Carrot over the top of them. It was a mannerism that had unnerved many.

'But, you see, captain, the trouble with Sam Vimes is that he upsets a lot of important people. And I think that a Commander of the Watch would have to move in very exalted circles, attend Guild functions. . .'

They exchanged glances. The Patrician got the best of the bargain, since Carrot's face was bigger. Both of them were trying not to grin.

'An excellent choice, in fact,' said the Patrician.

'I'd taken the liberty, sir, of drafting a letter to the cap— to Mr Vimes on your behalf. Just to save you

trouble, sir. Perhaps you'd care to have a look?'

'You think of everything, don't you?'

'I hope so, sir.'

(I know its long but i didn't want to leave anything out)

I love this whole exchange, Vetinari being totally on the back foot and realising that he kind of just has to go along with things because Carrot is absolutely right about everything. I always love seeing manipulators end up running into something they just cannot control, but in this case it's alright because they are both working for the same thing, the good of the city.

Right after this we get to see Carrot basically threaten Vetinari to his face, how many other characters could get away with something like this?

'I think you've learned a lot from Cap— Commander Vimes, captain.'

'Sir. My father always said I was a quick learner, sir.'

'Perhaps the city does need a king, though. Have you considered that?'

'Like a fish needs a . . . er . . . a thing that doesn't work underwater, sir.'

'Yet a king can appeal to the emotions of his subjects, captain. In . . . very much the same way as you did recently, I understand.'

'Yes, sir. But what will he do next day? You can't treat people like puppet dolls. No, sir. Mr Vimes always said a man has got to know his limitations. If there was a king, then the best thing he could do would be to get on with a decent day's work—'

'Indeed.'

'But if there was some pressing need . . . then perhaps he'd think again.' Carrot brightened up. 'It's a bit like being a guard, really. When you need us, you really need us. And when you don't . . . well, best if we just walk around the streets and shout All's Well. Providing all is well, of course.'

Vetinari knows that if it came to a battle for control of the city, Carrot would win, and both of them know this, so it's very good that niether of them want that. But it serves as a good reminder to him that if he ever starts to grow a bit to comfortable and let the interest of the city slip, he has someone who can keep him in check.

Finally we see at the end of Jingo that Carrot is involved in some major decisions by Vetinari and is implied to be the person who suggested making Vimes a Duke.

'All right,' he said, 'but, look I thought only a king could make someone a duke. It's not like all these knights and barons, that's just, well, political, but something like a duke needs a–'

He looked at Vetinari. And then at Carrot. Vetinari had said that he'd been reminded...

'I'm sure, if ever there is a king in Ankh–Morpork again, he will choose to ratify my decision,' said Vetinari smoothly. 'And if there never is a king, well, I see no practical problems.'

'I'm bought and sold, aren't I?' said Vimes, shaking his head. 'Bought and sold.'

Anyway, I just wanted to rant about this because it's so satisfying to see that even someone like the Patrician has something they aren't fully in control of.