kaleidoscope
summary: supposedly, when you turn 19, sometime within that year, you meet a guy who turns your whole life upside down. your first love, your first heartbreak. one year. 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes.
pairing: jeongguk x reader
content: lowercase intended, artist reader, tattoo artist jk, use of korean name, overuse of the word 'lover', fluff, their favorite hobby is admiring eachother, angst, angst, then more angst, shared trauma, basically just life happening
warnings: cursing, pregnancy & childbirth, abortion, miscarriage
wc: 6.5k
a/n: bare with me as i try to figure out my writing style ㅠㅠ i almost cried while writing this. or maybe i got some chappell in my eyes, idk. enjoy!
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kaleidoscope - chappell Roan
0:24 ─●──────── 3:42 ↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺
it's funny, isn’t it? for someone who had it all figured out at 18, standing here at 23 and watching him pack his bags for the last time, you can’t help but let your mind wander. somewhere between 18 and 23, you tumbled (on a rock, a jeongguk shaped rock) and you’ll never be the same.
you had heard stories about “the boy you meet at 19”. friends, family members, hell, even online communities complained about it. supposedly, when you turn 19, sometime within that year, you meet a guy who turns your whole life upside down. your first love, your first heartbreak. one year. 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes.
that was all bullshit of course.
jeongguk was not your first love, nor your first heartbreak. nevertheless, you know what he was? he was your first clash. your first storm, the first rain after a long hard year of drought. there’s no other way to explain it. he didn’t sweep you off my feet or visit your house with a boombox on his shoulder begging for you back, but it all turned out just the same.
"this seat taken? all the others are." you hear a voice call out, snapping you out of your creative flow.
you look up to see the most beautiful pair of mahogany orbs you've ever seen.
you look around, most of the seats empty.
confused, you answer, "sure?"
he pulls out the chair in front of you, with a huge grin.
"i'm jeongguk," he says, extending a hand for you to shake.
his t-shirt sleeves strain against his biceps, and you finally notice his inked arms. what you don't notice is holding onto his hand for a few seconds too long, entranced by the stunning artwork.
letting go with an awkward clear of your throat, you pull your hand back to rest on your laptop's trackpad.
"you are breathtakingly beautiful, and i would've beat myself up for the next two months if i didn't talk to you."
arriving at the jazz bar jimin invited you to, you scan the room to find him.
locking eyes with him, you make your way across the room to where he's sitting.
you loved being friends with jimin.
jimin was charismatic, chic. always dressed to the nines with his leather jackets and designer boots. he carried around this sense of subtle dominance, deep down he knew he controlled every room he walked in. but most importantly, he was also the gentlest friend you could ask for.
if you ever needed a shoulder to cry on or a pair of hands to hold your hair back when you throw up, jimin made sure you knew he was always one call away. as were you, when it came to him.
"you made it! hello, hello, hello!" jimin chirps, extending his arms out only to engulf you in a bear hug.
"i can't wait to see tae on stage!" you say, coming out from the hug.
the main event of the night; taehyung, jimin's boyfriend, was to perform a song with his band tonight.
"come! sit with us." jimin says, leading you back to his table.
you notice five men already seated. upon first glance, you didn't notice anything unusual, all of you exchanging greetings. that was until your eyes land on the last man on the far end.
"you again?" you blurt out of surprise.
"me again. hi beautiful." the familiar man says with that cheeky grin of his, his eyes having been already fixated on you the minute you walked through the door.
"wait. you two know each other?" jimin asks confused, looking back and forth between the two of you.
"you can say that.." you answer meekly, looking away.
looking back at jeongguk, jimin waits for an explanation.
he only gets a shrug from the younger man and another grin from him in response as you move to sit next to him.
"no, you're gonna tell me! i want to know." jimin complains as he sits down.
as the night went on, you and jeongguk got to know each other more. you had always longed for the organic in relationships. an organic meeting, organic conversation, and most importantly; organic chemistry. it seemed like the man in front of you checked all your boxes.
it turns out you and jeongguk were way more similar than either of you initially thought.
you both had this sense of freedom, like no matter what anyone told you. if you had your mind set on something, you'll make it happen, simply because you willed it so.
you carried this sense of carelessness-- no, that's not the right word. lightness? ease? navigating the world. like in the end, nothing really matters. both of you live life on a whim. you joked about hoping it wouldn't be your downfall, then laughed it off.
"do you ever look at the stars?" you say, laying on your back, looking up to the sky.
"do i ever look at the stars?" he slowly repeats, laying on his stomach, admiring the freckles on your face. "hmm.."
“i don’t need the stars. i have your eyes to look at.” he answers after a few seconds of fake pondering.
“that’s so sappy oh my gooooddd”
“what can i say? you make me sappy baby.” he says with a stupid grin, brushing strands of hair away from your face.
you and jeongguk had been dating for a month and a few weeks now. initially scared shitless to open your heart up again, you're glad you've made that decision. you can confidently say you've never been happier.
you continue, "you don't ever like, count them? you know they're actually dead, right?"
"dead? whaaat? that's crazy," he says, smiling like a lovestruck idiot.
finally shifting your focus to the man next to you, you glance sideways, “god, i love you. you’re the best thing that’s happened to me.”
it's your 1-year anniversary with jeongguk. both of you were inseparable at this point, where one of you went the other followed. from that point onwards, both your lifestyles tangoed and merged into one. his friend group became yours, your favorite spots became his, and everything else that could be shared, was. it was the most delicate display of intimacy; domesticity.
after taking you out to a nice romantic dinner, both of you ended up at your apartment. one of the many things shared within your relationship was your homes. this, being his second one, wasn't unfamiliar to him.
gently tracing your curves, jeongguk lay sideways. his head propped up on his elbow, admiring you. opposite him, you lay on your side, reading your book.
"watcha' readin'?" he asks in a silly tone, the very one you'd use to talk to a kid.
with a sly smirk and a brief glance at your lover, you answer him.
"smut. steamy, filthy smut. but after the passionate romance, of course."
"oh? anything in particular you'd like to recreate?" he takes on a challenging tone, slightly amused.
"maybe."
"can i see?"
"nope. you'll have to figure it out yourself."
"not even if i ask politely?"
"nnnnope!"
and just like that, the calm before the storm ended. you had dug your grave and laid in it. all that was left now, was to await your fate-
"you cheeky little minx, come here," he says with a renewed vigor, swiftly getting on top of you and getting straight to work tickling your sides.
"nooooo, please, please," you say breathlessly in between tickles.
you're not sure if it's physically possible to laugh your way to a six-pack, but it seemed to you that in those 30 seconds it had been made possible.
"alright, baby please!" you yell, desperately gasping for air.
finally freeing you from this relentless torture, jeongguk stops. as the laughter dies down, both of you pant with stupid smiles plastered across your faces. with jeongguk still on top of you; his weight balanced on both his arms, you stare into each others eyes.
"y'make me feel so loved, y'know.. you're my person, gguk." you coo, affectionately brushing his hair away from his face with one of your hands.
"thank you for trusting me enough to be that for you, baby. you make me the happiest man on this damn planet. i mean it."
"move in with me." you blurt out.
"okay."
"you spend most of your time here anyway, my apartment can fit both of us, you have clothes everywh- what?"
with a giggle, he repeats, "okay. i'll move in with you"
"that easy?!" you scoff.
"who told you it was hard?" scrunching his nose at you, he continues, "i'd carry the sun aflame; scorching hot and all, with my bare hands for you should you ask. are you really surprised?"
"jesus, shakespeare. you trying to get into my pants or something?"
"maybe. is it working?" flashing you a bunny smile, he leans down to place a soft kiss on your lips.
you roll your eyes, but without an ounce of annoyance.
"for the last fucking time jeongguk, stop leaving your clothes all over the place!" you let out, irritated.
ignoring you, he keeps scrolling through his phone.
"hey! did you hear me?" you continue, waving your hands in front of his face.
"why are you yelling right now? that's really unnecessary."
"so your answer is to ignore me?"
"you know i don't like being yelled at. speak to me like a normal human being."
"i would, if you were behaving like one."
"whatever," he says with a tsk.
jeongguk isn't usually unreasonable, it was just one of those days. both of you have those days sometimes. now, more than usual though.
"i asked you to move in with me because i love you. now stop being a child and pick your damn clothes up." you spit, tossing his shirt that was once sprawled out on the floor, in his face.
a few hours later, both of you head out to meet your friends.
arriving at the hangout spot, you and jeongguk take your seats next to your friends.
"there you are, lovebirds!" hoseok yells out excitedly, standing up to greet you.
the drinks kept coming. you could handle your liquor, but you knew jeongguk couldn't exactly do the same.
a steady stream of alcohol was maintained. one drink, two drinks, then the next, and the next.. he gulped them down with ease one after the other, until he was slurring his words.
"and then i told him; that can't possibly be right, you're not exactly the brightest" jimin says, the entire table bursting into laughter at his story.
"how are you guys? enjoying the domestic life together? tae asks, slowly sipping his drink next to jimin.
silently glancing over to jeongguk, you brace yourself as you watch him prepare to speak.
"loooooove this one," he blurts with a lopsided smile, throwing his free arm around your shoulder. "always has to keep the house all neat and tidy,"
"baby, you've had a bit too much to drink, yeah? i think we'll head out now guys."
noticing the awkward shift in the air, the guys agree with you and tell you it's fine, gesturing for you to get up.
"it's not like y-you always pay attention t'me. w-why do you only pay attention when you're- scolding me?" jeongguk continues, in between hiccups.
"c'mon. up you go," you say ignoring him, wrapping your hands around his torso to get him up.
with taehyung's help, you finally manage to lay jeongguk's (very heavy) body across the backseat of his car.
"thanks, tae. god knows i would've ruptured a disc had i attempted that alone."
"it's really no problem, cupcake. make sure to text us when you get home safe, alright?"
with a sigh and a nod, you get into the driver's seat.
"why are you being like this?" you murmur, starting the car.
one of your favorite past times with jeongguk is spending time together doing your own thing. it's the best and most efficient way to get things done while silently supporting the other. it also tells you a lot about how comfortable and safe you make each other feel. you have nurtured this relationship so carefully, and watched it blossom into what you have now. jeongguk knows this, he knows how at ease you feel during these simple, mundane times.
what you haven't told him though, is you have something you enjoy more.
secretly admiring him as he works.
sometimes when he's fully immersed in the task at hand, you secretly stop what you're doing and just stare at him. there were times you even pretended to do something, just so he can get busy and fail to notice your piercing gaze.
you can't help it. in your eyes, he's perfection itself.
so this time, as he was typing up an essay, you grabbed your sketchbook and got to work.
spilling ink to fill the blacks of his eyes, carving out the beautiful slant of his nose, the little mole under his lip.. his sweet honeyed features come together to breathe life into your drawing.
this isn't the first time you draw him. time and time again, you've tried to mimic his essence on paper. you're not one to brag, but you'd like to think you're a good artist. great even, from what your professors have told you; but try as you may, you have never once been successful. no amount of charcoal or white highlights on the canvas in your hands could capture a glimmer of your lover's warmth.
"is that.. is that me?" you hear a voice say, snapping you from your thoughts.
whoops.. guess you got careless and accidentally drowned in his eyes for real this time.
your cheeks turn a rich shade of crimson as you shyly nod.
sliding his laptop off his lap and taking his glasses off, he asks, "can i see?"
reluctantly, you hand him the sketchbook.
"it's not finished.. i was gonna shade some more and add highlights-"
he flips through the pages, looking at the earlier pages.
"wait!" leaning over, you try to grab the sketchbook from his hands. however, he manages to swiftly move his body, lifting the sketchbook out of your reach.
nevermind that he caught you drawing him, that entire sketchbook was filled with sketches of him.
finally reaching the first page, his eyes scan the page to read the words written in cursive,
"୨୧ jeongguk sketchbook ୨୧"
he stayed silent for a few minutes.
"baby.. are you mad at me?" you ask, concerned. with a bite of your lip, you anxiously wait for him to say something.
"i'm gonna marry you one day," he says, looking into your eyes in awe.
"i wish my professors reacted that enthusiastically upon seeing my work," you giggle, relieved. "also, is that a threat?"
"it's a promise," he says with a roll of his eyes, fighting a grin.
settling into his accustomed place between your thighs, he gets on top you.
"you have an essay to write. no funny business, mister." you jokingly scold, patting his butt with your foot.
"okay mom," he says with a smile as he starts kissing all over your face.
"nooo, why'd you have to say that before kissing meee" you whine, turning your head left and right to avoid his kisses.
scrolling through your phone, you wait at the tattoo parlor jeongguk works at for him to be done with his client.
handing you a bottle of water, yoongi takes a seat next to you.
"he'll be out in a few. just wrapping the client's tattoo." he informs you.
"can i see that?" you gesture to the tattoo book on the table, "jeongguk" written on the cover.
handing you the book, he starts, "quite the talented one, your boyfriend. we have lots of artists, but his work really is a sight for sore eyes. clients usually go for him."
with a giddy smile, you open the book, "you know when i first met him, his tattoos were the first thing that caught my eye. not to brag but, i don't doubt any of that for a second."
chuckling, yoongi gets up. "i'll be in my office if you need anything."
with an appreciative nod, you thank him.
feeling the couch take a dip, you smell him before you can see him.
"hi baby," he takes a seat next to you.
"hi my love," you lean in to kiss him. "i knew you were talented but holy shit, your hands were kissed by angels."
"the only angel that's ever kissed them is sitting next to me. so you're right, i guess." he says, nodding in agreement.
tracing the lines in the book, you stare in awe. it seems your lover renders you speechless most of the time you're with him.
"soo… i did a thing," jeongguk says as he enters your shared apartment, taking off his shoes.
"uh-oh."
"no uh-oh. c'mere," he beckons with his hand, buzzing with anticipation.
turning off the stove, you make your way over to him.
"close your eyes,"
"okay, now i'm scared."
"hurry uuupppp."
placing your palms over your eyes, you reluctantly obey.
"no, not your hands. give them to me."
suspicious, you keep your eyes shut and reach out your hands for him to take.
you hear the sound of fabric shuffling, then feel your fingers touch warm skin.
warm.. engraved skin?
"you can open them now."
your jaw hangs open.
"oh baby, that's beautiful.." you say, your eyes welling up with tears.
staring back at you is your birth flower, tattooed on jeongguk's side below his ribs.
"since you were so in love with my designs, i thought i'd make you one your own."
chuckling, you reply, "shouldn't it be on my body then?"
"you make a good point, but my body is yours, so by extension, this tattoo is also yours."
"okay smarty pants." you say with a smile, wiping away the tears rolling down your face. "let's go watch a movie."
one kiss. two kisses.
"baby.." he says, turning his head away.
"let me make you feel good. just relax." you graze your hand along his chest.
with a sigh, he sits up, letting your hands fall.
frustrated, you get up.
"how much rejection can i take?" finally fed up, you burst. "how many times are you gonna shut me out?" this hadn't been the first time jeongguk denied you. he's been mentally withdrawn from you for a few weeks, coming up with one excuse or another.
he rubs at his temples.
"i try and i try and i try. you don't talk to me about what bothers you, you barely touch me anymore.. what am i supposed to do, jeongguk? you're with me but you're not even here." desperate for an answer, you plead.
"i already told you. i'm taking more courses this semester, and yoongi wants me to work extra shifts at the parlor. not exactly an aphrodisiac for me."
"baby, stress will always be a part of our lives. you have to lean on me when it gets hard, that's what relationships are for. we're a team now, you can't keep shutting me out like this."
you had always been upfront with jeongguk about the importance of communication within your relationship. you could handle just about anything, but not this.
crackle. pop.
it was new year's eve, you heard fireworks go off outside your home.
at almost midnight, you were waiting for your boyfriend to come back.
sitting under your skylight, you admire the show in the sky. the light illuminates your face as you gaze up.
you feel your phone vibrate in your lap.
j<3: "working late."
j<3: "don't wait up."
life had a funny yet cruel sense of irony. everyone was out celebrating, while over here, it seemed like your whole life was coming to an end.
after what feels like hours of dreary silence, you hear the front door open. he's home.
nervously pacing back and forth in your shared bathroom, you wait for him to come into the bedroom.
god, it wasn't supposed to happen like this.
you hear footsteps. turning around, you meet his eyes.
"i'm pregnant." you say abruptly, with bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
at 21, this is the last thing you expected to happen. it seems you had gotten careless. young and in love.
after a few moments of utter silence, both of you sit side by side on your bathroom floor.
"fuck. fuck, okay. fuck."
you burst into tears for the third time that night.
"i'm not ready.. we're not ready.. can't believe this is really happening.. ggukie, what are we gonna do? m' so scared"
"hey, hey, hey.. it's okay. we'll get through this. you hear me, baby? we're gonna be alright. it's okay. i've got you. as long as we both have each other, nothing else matters." he reassures, pulling you both into the bathtub, cradling you into his chest.
"sure it's happening sooner than we thought, but this was the plan all along angel, wasn't it? hm?" he says softly, wiping away your tears. "we'll get married, once you pop out this little one we can get a house in the suburbs.. my parents can help us out financially.. my love, look at me. deep breaths."
you calm down, finally catching your breath. you had forgotten you weren't gonna be alone in this. you felt as long as you had jeongguk, you were ready to face anything.
"what about school?" you ask.
"you can take a gap year. i'll drop some classes and make sure i'm by your side."
"i'm gonna be a dad." he says after a long silence. you feel tears wetting your shirt, unsure whose they were.
and maybe it was going to be alright. because you were in his arms. carrying his child, you were going to have your own family. with the man you love.
you finally allow yourself to feel excitement. the joy of becoming a mother. you allow yourself to feel hope, the kind that comes with the promise of a seedling sprouting from the dirt.
one thing you admired about him was his humility. perhaps one of the most powerful things he does is; at his best and most successful, my baby comes back home and kneels before me. looking up at me, i see in his eyes everything i ever prayed, could pray, and would ever pray for.
my lover never once forgot me. no matter what it was, he always shared it with me. not once has he ever treated me as less than.
"baby! guess what i gooot!" you hear the front door shut.
truthfully, things had gotten better after your big news. remarkably better. jeongguk had been paying extra attention to you, making sure you’re well tended to, fed, comfortable.. it was almost like how you two were in the beginning. when it was still fresh.
running into your room excitedly like a little kid, jeongguk holds up a pair of baby socks.
"look how adorable!" he exclaims, eye twinkling.
smiling fondly, you entertain him as you rub your already swollen belly.
"i can't believe they make socks that tiny." you reply with a soft chuckle.
"i know, right? i didn't even know someone's feet can be this tiny!"
at 3 months pregnant, things weren't as bad as you had initially expected. you had taken a gap year, like jeongguk suggested, and both of you were doing just fine.
having him by your side made everything so much easier, and you wondered why you ever thought you couldn't do this. being his lover and the mother of his child was the easiest and most natural thing for you.
unrequited
/ʌnrɪˈkwʌɪtɪd/
adjective
(of a feeling, especially love) not returned.
can love be one sided?
a question i'm sure has been passed around for centuries past. after all, i'm sure you're familiar with the term "unrequited love".
so can it be?
well, i don't think so.
i believe people who claim it, mislabel infatuation. love can never be one sided. as far as i'm concerned, in order to fall in love, both sides have to have experienced their fair share of vulnerable moments. human moments. for the word "love" to be spoken and for it to be real, it has to exist tangibly, undeniably, between two people. love does not shy away and hide, love stands tall and proud; like the biggest elephant any room has seen.
if there really is love on one side, it's mirrored on the other side as well.
some may argue, the term "unrequited" still stands, because the other person may feel love, but not the romantic kind intended; i beg to differ. love, no matter its form, will warm you from the inside out. to deny its existence on the other side merely because you don't like how it takes shape and presents itself, is a selfish act of fraud.
as usual, good things don't last.
you like to think the love was there. it really, irrefutably, was. and most days, that's what get helps you get by. after all, the life growing inside you was proof of it. or was, anyway.
looking at your bathroom mirror, you see a woman you don't recognize.
you have the same eyes, but hers are weighed down with dark rings. where you once saw a bright curious girl, stands a woman foreign, burdened with tribulations; the aftermath of adolescence.
turning to the side, you lift your shirt up to reveal your stomach. you lightly ghost your hand over your abdomen. pang in your chest, sting in your eyes. breathe, 1, 2, 3.
you walk into your shared bedroom to find jeongguk seated on the bed with his phone in hand.
your steps coming to a halt, you look up at him. with dead eyes, you mumble quietly, "i lost the baby."
"what was that?" he asks, unable to quite make out what you were saying.
"i lost the baby," you repeat, loud enough for him to hear this time.
frozen in shock, he stares at you with wide eyes.
"..what?" he says with a whisper, tears instantly flooding his eyes.
you stay silent.
"are you- are you sure??" he asks with urgency, immediately springing up from the bed to stand infront of you.
with a slow and apprehensive nod you reply, "just got back from a checkup."
jeongguk raises his hand to rub his face. you flinch.
mortified, jeongguk looks at you with wide eyes.
"did- baby did you just flinch? what the fuck?" he says, hurt written all over his face.
you slide down the wall behind you, needing anything to stabilize you. of course you weren't expecting him to hit you. were you? you don't know anymore. your body has become foreign to you, and you curse it for always betraying you throughout your years. this time, it had been the biggest betrayal of all.
jeongguk immediately reaches to grab your weak body, kneeling on the ground with you.
he takes you in his embrace once more, and a cruel, ironic sense of déjà vu washes over you. once more, you lie in each others arms. only last time marked a beginning, this time marked the end.
but the love was there. right?
if jeongguk hadn't been touching you as much before, now he really didn't, at all. it's not that he didn't try, he has, a few times. but you really, really can't bring yourself to let him touch you right now. when you shared that with him, he understood, he really did. but after all, how long can someone be understanding, until they finally realize, they've had enough?
"it's been months.. i understand how you feel, and it's no easy thing what we just went through. what you went through. you're so strong, mama. so strong."
mama. you could almost hear the crack in your heart.
"i don't wanna sound like an asshole, and i'll never, ever force you; so long as i draw breath.. but baby i long for you. i just want to connect with you like we used to.. i ache for your touch. i know it's not easy, but can you please try?"
"i know, i know. i'm sorry, baby. i'm sorry," you whisper, averting your gaze to the floor with tears in your eyes.
"i think we should take a break." you blurt out, breaking the silence.
"what?"
"i need a break."
"from me?" he asks, voice coming out more fragile than intended. jeongguk knew your relationship has become rocky to say the least, but what he wasn't expecting was this.
you stay silent.
"okay.. if that's what you need." he lets out, defeated.
getting up, you grab a suitcase and start packing clothes.
"where are you going?" alarmed, he instinctively gets up to follow you.
"to jimin's."
agonizing silence.
"do you have to do this?"
"yes."
you feel suffocated. you've heard of post-miscarriage hormones, and you don't know if that was what was causing your recent irritability, but it seemed like everything and everyone around you annoyed you. never in your life would you have imagined that would include jeongguk. you hated yourself for it. you tell your lover everything, but this one secret you were prepared to take to the grave.
"you're welcome to sleep with other people, if you'd like."
"you really need to stop making these decisions all on your own." he says, sounding fed up. "i don't fucking want to be with anyone else. do you really think it's about the sex for me?"
angrily stomping over to you, he gently grabs your face, forcing you to look into his eyes.
"do you really think, all i want is a fucking nut?" laughing in disbelief, he lets go of your face, ruffling his hair in frustration. "i want you. you."
biting your lip, you grab your suitcase and make your way to the front door and text jimin to let him know.
you hear a sigh and footsteps behind you. "here, let me." jeongguk says, taking ahold of your suitcase before you can argue.
with a small smile, you follow behind him. even when he's hurt, he takes care of you.
you get in your car. adjusting the mirror, you see jeongguk looking back at you in the reflection. forcing yourself to look away, you start driving.
making your way inside jimin's apartment, both of you take a seat on his couch, setting your suitcase beside you.
"what happened?" jimin asks hesitatingly, scared to set you off. he knows of everything that happened the past few months, upset with you after realizing you had hid it from him for a while. he wasn't upset with you, but rather the fact that you had endured it alone all this time. but he understood. he could never blame you.
"we had a fight. well, sort of," you explain with a sigh. "i told him i needed a break."
"is it okay if i hug you?"
upon your immediate approval, jimin leaps into your embrace.
"i don't know where to begin," he starts, voice muffled by your clothes. slowly pulling away, he catches your eyes.
"you've had it so hard. so hard." tearing up, he continues, "if a break is what you need, i'll gladly support it. i may not always fully understand what you're going through, but know you always always have my full support regardless."
seeing your angel of a friend cry, tears are brought to your eyes as well.
"why are you crying? aren't i supposed to be the one doing that?" you say, chuckling.
"so i can't cry now? let me cry, woman!" matching your energy, he replies.
you would never admit it to the man waiting for you at home, but within the confinements of your best friend's living room, you finally allow yourself to speak it aloud.
"looking at him reminds me of what happened. he reminds me of her."
with a knowing nod, jimin takes your hand in his.
"our baby. god, jimin, i couldn't stand to be in that room a minute longer."
you're glad you had your best friend alongside you all these years. seeing you in all your states, he's the one person you can truly call family. love like this, you were sure of. love like this, you could never let go of. love like this, you've learned to truly cherish.
you spent a little over a week at jimin's.
you and jeongguk hadn't been talking, and you noticed he was spending longer and longer hours away at night. tonight you decided, enough is enough.
"where the fuck have you been?" you spit out like venom, spotting the messy haired man at the front door. after waiting all night for jeongguk to finally come back home, your voice had gained an edge.
"does it fucking matter?" he answers, matching your vulgarity. a habit both of you, unfortunately, picked up.
"it's 4 am. you left without a word and now you smell like an entire fucking candy shop. think i don't know what you get up to?" because like any human being, despite making it clear you were okay with him sleeping with other people, the very idea broke whatever was left of your heart into tinier fragments.
you continue, "you think the loss of our babygirl hasn't impacted me? it hurt me the most. as i was sitting here, grieving your fucking child, you were out fucking whores. instead of being with me and helping us get through it, you fucking bailed on me. you abandoned our relationship. you abandoned me."
"watch your mouth. that's not fair. that is not fair. i have never unfaithful to you. we haven't been fine for a damn long time and you know it."
you knew you weren't being fair. you knew he wouldn't cheat on you, either. but you couldn't stop. you couldn't bring yourself to stop. you had reached the point of no return, and all your anger had come up to the surface to breathe. claws, sharp edges and all, 'i am here. i am here.' it screamed.
“that doesn’t mean you stay out all night every single day and pretend i don’t fucking exist! if you want to break up, grow a pair and fucking say it to my face.”
"frankly, that's none of your concern. you lost the right to what i did a long time ago."
if it weren't for the four years you've known this man, you would've missed the slight stutter in his words. you've memorized every freckle, every curve, every dimple.
"are you drunk?" you ask slowly. your anger dialing up to 100.
ignoring you, he makes a beeline for the spare bedroom door. where he had been sleeping for the past- you can’t even remember how long it’s been.
you don't know when you reached this point. it was all sunshine and rainbows, then it all went downhill. well, you can't say it was sudden. to tell the truth, you and jeongguk's relationship has been strained for a long time.
upon asking him to move in with you, you had thought being in close proximity with your lover would make you grow closer. on the contrary, within the same four walls and under the same roof, you had never felt further from the person you were supposed to love for the rest of your life.
"iseul."
he stops in his tracks.
"that's the name i had picked out for her. iseul."
turning around, jeongguk looks at you as if you had just slapped him.
"that's a beautiful name," he murmurs.
"she would've been ours. would've looked just like you, to a t. i bet she would've had your beautiful big eyes."
"she would've had your laugh.." he chokes out, tears flooding.
"we were supposed to get married and grow old together. what has become of us? since when were we like this?
"shit baby, i don't know. i don't know." slowly walking over to you, he pulls your head in his chest. he holds you with the same frailty he used to. back when you were younger. back when he loved you. when you loved each other. it seems like nowadays all you do is fight.
your communication has gone to shit. it was like both of you were speaking a language the other couldn't understand.
"we had something didn't we?" you whisper into his chest, your tears staining his shirt. "we loved each other, at some point, right?"
“of course we did, baby. of course we did. what we had, though humble, was real and i would never change it. the love was there."
he continues, "you’re gonna find so much better. you’re gonna have so much greater. we’re not meant for each other. god knows what we went through wasn’t easy. it was fucking hell. we fought tooth and nail to get here, i know your pain. i’ve seen your pain, it is mine too. maybe it isn't fair to say this, but we need to get out of this bubble. long as we keep coming back here, we’ll always be reminded of all the hurt and the pain. we both need fresh starts. we deserve it."
"is this really happening? this is really happening. oh god. oh my god." feeling a panic attack coming on, you try to take deep breaths.
jeongguk hugs you tighter, gently stroking your back.
"that's it baby, breathe. breathe, lover, breathe. nice and slow, just like that. there we go, my love."
it passes, but the heartache doesn't, so you settle for keeping your face nestled into his chest, crying your heart out.
you love him. oh god, you love him like you breathe air. but he's right, neither of you can live like this.
"i wish i hated you. you asshole, i wish you made me hate you." weakly punching his chest repeatedly, you sob into his chest. "would've made things so much easier."
gently stroking your hair, he softly hums.
"thank you for making this decision for both of us. god knows i'm not strong enough to leave."
"it's because i love you so much, i can't bare to see you like this. it kills me every waking fucking day."
stepping away from your embrace, jeongguk retreats to your bedroom.
looking at him confused, you sniffle.
"lovesong" by adele blares through your apartment.
stepping back out, he approaches you again.
"come here, love."
extending a hand out to you, he invites you to dance.
and so you did.
i hope my lover never forgets me.
bonus
silence.
you were once a teenager with loud thoughts. loud, angry, vengeful. you were so, so angry. now there's just silence.
listening to the ocean waves crash against the rocks, you admire the scenery in front of you. even in their violence, it seems to you that those very waves kiss the surface of the rocks, only to retreat in shyness. how romantic.
was the ocean always this beautiful?
a/n: please let me know what you think! truthfully, i think i could've added more of my writing (beyond narration, i mean), but i didn't want to leave this rotting in my drafts for too long. if there's one thing i learned about being a creative, hiding your creativity, refusing to share it with the world, or putting it off is not only a waste; but you're denying beautiful, alike souls the pleasure of enjoying your work ♡
