It's Saturday and I'm just sitting here...not watching the wheels go round and round...can't see that from here. wish you were here.
I can tell a green field and blue skies from grey yet I'm still riding on that merry go round. The one you can't let go because it's the only one.
LIfe is good especially compared to the alternative! I listen to folks complain about current circumstances and while I get things could be better, usually are better, I don't have to imagine very hard to know things could be worse. Almost certainly will be worse eventually, so I try hard to appreciate how good things are in the moment.
The world from where I'm sitting isn't green but it isn't storming or freezing. If I chose, I could go out for a walk or a drive. I'm alone but if I craved human contact I could text, call, skype, or even visit with someone. Bars are back open so if I chose I could enjoy the company of strangers which to me is often more satisfying than those I know too well. Instead I "Dear Tumblr." Since Wednesday night D has been away at her sister's helping care for her mom.
Her mom is our last living parent and to be completely honest, it will be somewhat of a relief when the prolonged ailments of parents no longer weigh on our lives. I get the horrific nature of that statement. Perhaps something is wrong with me to feel so callous but I am reconciled I can only feel how I feel. Previously, none of our parents died peacefully/considerately in their sleep. Although my dad expired sitting on the toilet, minutes after I delivered him home from his last hospital stay. The humor that Rodinian vision provides me goes long towards muting the innumerable hours/days of stress we/his family experienced for more than two decades.
I am not rooting for my MIL's demise. I hope she outlives me. While I don't miss my parents and won't miss her mom when she's gone, D will miss her in a way I can (barely) comprehend. D's happiness is mine so.
Again, being honest, I resent D isn't here now. I believe she is where she needs to be and that's where I want her to be but I wish she was here.
