THE MUCKRAKER : SECOND EDITION ( MAY 25TH, 2040 )
THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP!
INDEX
SERIAL CHEATER: FROM BOYFRIENDS TO BALLOTS (page 2)
IT WAS NO SURPRISE, when we got a tip that @wtfbclla is planning on cheating, but this time it isn’t in a relationship! according to our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, bella lopez-pierce is going to stuff the ballot box prom night to secure her win for prom princess. hopefully this article alerts the wmhs prom committee to the threat. cheating seems to be in bella’s nature, and while we’re all for the scandal, we want prom princess to be a fair fight between those three foxy ladies!
MCKINLEY ROYALTY TO TURN TRAILER PARK PRINCESS? (page 4)
EVERYONE HAS BEEN ANTICIPATING, just how well @patienceish is going to fare once her son is born. all year she’s done nothing but assure everyone about her plan of attending college full time, but we aren’t confident she’ll feel that’s so possible once she realizes how strenuous motherhood is. not to mention the bills that are going to come with that alleged dream home she’s bought. combined, the debt she’s looking at is astronomical! patience, mason, and matience jr. are undoubtedly bound for trailer park living after falling from their high school peak come graduation. sources even report patience is already acting the part and has been see behaving irate and trashy. looks like this couple is bound to join the cast of the real housewives of lima heights in a few years time!
CELLBLOCK TANGO: BROADWAY’S BABY BEHIND BARS? (page 6)
TURNS OUT, @graysonlopezpierce can’t take a punch! for a multitude of rumored reasons, we know @eli-stjames gave him a good punch and a swift kick at lemon and kaden’s rager a few weeks ago. well now it’s come out that grayson plans on pressing assault and battery charges! yikes! we doubt even eli’s rich mommy and daddy can bail her out of this one. we hope it was worth it because we suspect that the oldest st.james daughter isn’t going to look very good in orange. but just to prove we can see the good in all situations, we hope that eli ends up very happy with the prison wife she bound to inevitably obtain! finally, someone to help her move on from vic.
TATUM KAROFSKY’S REAL DAD STEPS FORWARD, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (page 8)
MYSTERIOUS HEARTTHROB, @tatumfm has always lingered in the shadow of his sister’s shining star. turns out, winnie isn’t the only one with connections to hollywood. famous wrestler turned actor, dwayne “the rock” johnson has come forward about an affair he had in 2019, resulting in a birth to a baby boy in 2020. this lines up perfectly with one tatum karofsky’s origin story, and to be honest? we can see the resemblance between the two! we only hope tatum hits up daddy dearest soon so he can get his fifteen minutes of fame before the male pattern baldness kicks in!
OLD HABITS DIE HARD, JO RUTHERFORD POPS PILLS IN PUBLIC! (page 10)
IT’S NO SECRET THAT @jorutherford‘s prolonged absence from mckinley had to do with the fact she got carted off to rehab. all seemed to be going well until we got an anonymous tip that maybe rehab didn’t do it’s job all too well. or at all for that matter. jo was seen popping pills in the locker room before her gym class. we knew she was a careless wreck, but we didn’t think she was this careless. it was only a matter of time before jo fell back off the wagon, everyone was waiting for it, but we hope to see her still living and breathing at prom! that way she can maybe share with the baby drug addicts.
ASPIRING LAWYER HAS NO MORAL CODE. ARE WE SURPRISED? (page 12)
THERE’S A COUNTLESS number of complicated romances in lima, but more recently we’ve received word that @alexiscsmythe has been hooking up with @wrenschuester‘s ex, @ncalanderson. wren tends to be a pretty go with the flow kind of gal, so we’re curious to see if she cuts ties with alexis or not. personally, we think it might be time to cut that cord anyway. it’s not like neal is worth it, but alexis seems to have a future of alcoholism ahead of her. if wren was smart, she’d slap that bitch and invest in a new bestie.
RUBY ZIZES INVOLVED IN YET ANOTHER SEX SCANDAL (page 14)
THE MOST RECENT of many scandals for her, is that @rubyzizes was involved in a gang bang with the male members of the so called ‘brown baggers’ @kadenabrams, @tracehummelandersons, and @graysonlopezpierce have all hit it with her at least once before, so it wouldn’t surprise us if those bros wanted to do her together. considering the recent drama with ruby and grayson, we can only imagine that poor girl would be willing to do anything for him. oh well, not like she had much dignity left anyhow!
CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #3)