#kaden abrams

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      THE MUCKRAKER : THIRD EDITION ( JUNE 1ST, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP!

CHEERIO CHEATS ON LOSER WITH FOOTBALL PLAYER, IS ANYONE SURPRISED? (pg 2)

anyone with eyes and ears could tell things were tense between lima’s most unlikely couple @ivystjamess​ and @leo-mccarthy​ at prom. what they might not be aware of is that one ivy st.james was getting busy in the bathroom AGAIN. sources tell us she was seen sneaking in there with @archerxcs​. this was later confirmed by an after party goer who admitted to hearing ivy tell lemon sterling-duval that her and archer had shared a kiss. given her track record with boys though, we’d be surprised if it was just a kiss. who could blame her though? leo mccarthy has the classic case of lima loser waiting to happen. 

SLUT STRIKES BACK! (pg 4)

catfight! according to our sources @winniclove​ was walking around prom with a welt worthy of the guinness book of world records on her face. it came to no surprise when the plot thickened that @rubyzizes​ was the one responsible for slapping winnie. given their history with grayson, some may argue that winnie deserved a lot worse, but personally here at the muckraker we find ruby zizes to be a literal attention whore. it’s no wonder one would be jealous of winnie-love karofsky, but we find it kind of sad when it’s a girl who was cheated on the dumped out of her first relationship. some people just aren’t meant to find love! and they shouldn’t take it out on the beautiful like winnie.

PROSTITUTION FOR PROM PRINCESS VOTES? (pg 4)

it came as a shock to just about everyone that @shanepuck​ won prom princess. while there were allegations tossed around about bella lopez-pierce stuffing the ballot box, with her status as the only cheerleading glee club member on the ballot, we figured she would likely be a shoe in. but shortly after prom we learned there was a wrench thrown in the mix by shane! seeing her date boring hart as mckinley’s prom prince frontrunner activated those psycho puckerman-fabray genes! a week prior to prom she was offering herself up to multiple male staff members in exchange for the elections to sway her way. this was brought to us by her sister, emory puckerman. god, i love when those girls go crazy!

5YOW? MORE LIKE FIVE YEARS TILL FAILURE! (pg 6)

@hunterxslade​, @graysonlopezpierce​,and @tatumfm​ make up 5 years of winter, or more commonly referred to as 5yow. but their performance at prom left people thinking 5yowza! many students report things just generally seeming off and to us here at the muckraker we instantly knew that meant lip syncing! there’s a history of lip syncing scandals at mckinley and we wouldn’t be shocked to hear that these has-been’s waiting to happen are the latest in the list of lip syncing embarrassments! 

PUNCH BOWL CULPRITS SAVE PROM (pg 8)

for the most part, prom was a predictable snooze fest! the only thing that spiced it up was @aliviaporter​ and @kadenabrams​ joint effort to spike the punch bowl. though somebody usually spikes it, seeing drunk underage kids flopping around a dance floor all night really makes prom something special. we just hope alivia doesn’t catch feelings for kaden like she does with any guy who gives her an extra minute of attention.

TROUBLE IN PROM ROYALTY PARADISE (pg 10)

predictably @lemonsterling​ and @tj-beiste​ took home the title of prom king and queen, but it seems a saving grace @leiaevans​ crept in and provided some much needed drama for this eventual pta mom and coach dad. in an intimate hallway tryst, leia evans was overhead confessing her love for theo which put so called, ‘themon’ at odds for the rest of the evening to make matters even more interesting lemon was spotted kissing @tracehummelandersons​ at LJ’s prom after party. these two really can’t go more than a week without incident! i unfortunately doubt it’ll be the thing that i’m hoping breaks them up, how boring could they get?

JULIEN SCHUESTER MOVING IN A DEW DIRECTION (pg 12)

our sources say even in spite of taking crazy ex-girlfriend emory puckerman to prom, @julien-schuester​ hooked up with @roryslade​ in his own brothers office! which is kind of disgusting, but after their duet we aren’t surprised to hear reports of such a thing. rory slade notoriously throws herself at any guy older than her or who might give her an edge on tense glee club competition, which, julien fits the bill for both. while they quite literally defiled the choir room, we can only hope julien ditching emory results in some broken bones for rory and a new set of slashed tires for julien!

 CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #4)

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that 70s show dream cast?

OH! OPTIONS, OPTIONS, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY, 

@kadenabrams as eric forman; i think despite having no acting background, kaden is the only one in lima who can bring a convincing yet pathetic dorkiness to this role. his good looks will be the only thing that have an audience root for despite his questionable actions which, really, is the most kaden abrams thing i’ve heard.

@graysonlopezpierce as steven hyde; he can be grumpy, he’s got an edgier look and an even edgier past. grayson as hyde is sort of a no brainer for me. due to his appearence in mamma mia we know he can at least kind of act and i think he’d play well off of kaden and make for a loveable dynamic.

@julien-schuester as michael kelso; actual idiots who cheat on their girlfriends? yeah, sounds like julien schuester and michael kelso are kindred to me. not only does he fit the bill personality wise, he’s got the acting chops to make this role dynamic and fun to watch in a reboot. not to mention nice enough hair.

@joeyhqs as fez; we all know that if it wasn’t that 70s show fez would probably be out and proud! for that reason, i chose and equally as annoyng, equally as horny, and equally as gullible gay in joey! he can act well enough and it’s close to his personality. i for one, would like to see it.

 @eli-stjames as donna pinciotti; can she act a lick? not that we know of, but assuming who her parents are? there’s a thespian in there somewhere! i would pay to see eli st.james with some red hair and bring the rugged sapphic energy to donna we all know she has. maybe a riskier choice, but still one that would make for good tv.

@ivystjamess as jackie burkhart; richy, bitchy, cheerleader and ivy st.james are practically synonymous! not only does she look the part, but she acts the part irl! this one was an easy and straightforward choice and if there were to be a reboot? i’d see her in this role in hearbeat.

@winniclove as laurie forman; i of course always love to see winnie in larger roles, but a cheating, slut, blonde older sister who is also a bitch? if this were a reboot she’d steal the show with her appearences and like in most everything she does she would become a fan favorite.

@tracehummelandersons as red forman; would an older actor perform just fine in this role? sure, but i don’t care about the old people in lima. therefore i would cast trace who’s asshole behviors only match that of red forman. with modern day technology they can make him look old in a jiff and it would all be worth it!

@emorypuckerman as kitty forman; i think emory could bring a fun little sweet but psycho dynamic to the role of kitty! she flips her switch faster than anyone can blink, so she had to have that natural edge to her. who better than emory puckerman who’s openly displayed her own psycho switch getting flipped?

@mason-lynn as bob pinciotti; dumb, but not in the fun way that julien is. if he could manage to read a script and act out the motions i think he would be entertaining to watch at least. stupid, questionably loveable, i don’t know who else could pull off this sheer lack of brain cells. 

@alessiapuckerman as midge pinciotti; hot and confident within herself and her body, i’d love to see her in this role for a reboot! she has no acting credits under her belt so far, but midge isn’t a particularly difficult role and i’d love to see someone like alessia be the one to fill it.

@wrenschuester as leo; probably my boldest choice, but i don’t think they could keep wren on set long enough without a smoke break for her to be donna. because of this, i think it would be a fun, bold, statement on gender to assign miss seventies queen herself to this hippie role she was always meant to fill.

x JBI JR.

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              THE MUCKRAKER : SECOND EDITION ( MAY 25TH, 2040 ) 

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP!

                                                                     INDEX

SERIAL CHEATER: FROM BOYFRIENDS TO BALLOTS (page 2)

IT WAS NO SURPRISE, when we got a tip that @wtfbclla​ is planning on cheating, but this time it isn’t in a relationship! according to our source, who wishes to remain anonymous, bella lopez-pierce is going to stuff the ballot box prom night to secure her win for prom princess. hopefully this article alerts the wmhs prom committee to the threat. cheating seems to be in bella’s nature, and while we’re all for the scandal, we want prom princess to be a fair fight between those three foxy ladies!

MCKINLEY ROYALTY TO TURN TRAILER PARK PRINCESS? (page 4)

EVERYONE HAS BEEN ANTICIPATING, just how well @patienceish​ is going to fare once her son is born. all year she’s done nothing but assure everyone about her plan of attending college full time, but we aren’t confident she’ll feel that’s so possible once she realizes how strenuous motherhood is. not to mention the bills that are going to come with that alleged dream home she’s bought. combined, the debt she’s looking at is astronomical! patience, mason, and matience jr. are undoubtedly bound for trailer park living after falling from their high school peak come graduation. sources even report patience is already acting the part and has been see behaving irate and trashy. looks like this couple is bound to join the cast of the real housewives of lima heights in a few years time!

CELLBLOCK TANGO: BROADWAY’S BABY BEHIND BARS? (page 6)

TURNS OUT, @graysonlopezpierce​ can’t take a punch! for a multitude of rumored reasons, we know @eli-stjames​ gave him a good punch and a swift kick at lemon and kaden’s rager a few weeks ago. well now it’s come out that grayson plans on pressing assault and battery charges! yikes! we doubt even eli’s rich mommy and daddy can bail her out of this one. we hope it was worth it because we suspect that the oldest st.james daughter isn’t going to look very good in orange. but just to prove we can see the good in all situations, we hope that eli ends up very happy with the prison wife she bound to inevitably obtain! finally, someone to help her move on from vic.

TATUM KAROFSKY’S REAL DAD STEPS FORWARD, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (page 8)

MYSTERIOUS HEARTTHROB, @tatumfm​ has always lingered in the shadow of his sister’s shining star. turns out, winnie isn’t the only one with connections to hollywood. famous wrestler turned actor, dwayne “the rock” johnson has come forward about an affair he had in 2019, resulting in a birth to a baby boy in 2020. this lines up perfectly with one tatum karofsky’s origin story, and to be honest? we can see the resemblance between the two! we only hope tatum hits up daddy dearest soon so he can get his fifteen minutes of fame before the male pattern baldness kicks in!

OLD HABITS DIE HARD, JO RUTHERFORD POPS PILLS IN PUBLIC! (page 10)

IT’S NO SECRET THAT @jorutherford​‘s prolonged absence from mckinley had to do with the fact she got carted off to rehab. all seemed to be going well until we got an anonymous tip that maybe rehab didn’t do it’s job all too well. or at all for that matter. jo was seen popping pills in the locker room before her gym class. we knew she was a careless wreck, but we didn’t think she was this careless. it was only a matter of time before jo fell back off the wagon, everyone was waiting for it, but we hope to see her still living and breathing at prom! that way she can maybe share with the baby drug addicts.

ASPIRING LAWYER HAS NO MORAL CODE. ARE WE SURPRISED? (page 12)

THERE’S A COUNTLESS number of complicated romances in lima, but more recently we’ve received word that @alexiscsmythe​ has been hooking up with @wrenschuester​‘s ex, @ncalanderson​. wren tends to be a pretty go with the flow kind of gal, so we’re curious to see if she cuts ties with alexis or not. personally, we think it might be time to cut that cord anyway. it’s not like neal is worth it, but alexis seems to have a future of alcoholism ahead of her. if wren was smart, she’d slap that bitch and invest in a new bestie.

RUBY ZIZES INVOLVED IN YET ANOTHER SEX SCANDAL (page 14)

THE MOST RECENT of many scandals for her, is that @rubyzizes​ was involved in a gang bang with the male members of the so called ‘brown baggers’ @kadenabrams​, @tracehummelandersons​, and @graysonlopezpierce​ have all hit it with her at least once before, so it wouldn’t surprise us if those bros wanted to do her together. considering the recent drama with ruby and grayson, we can only imagine that poor girl would be willing to do anything for him. oh well, not like she had much dignity left anyhow! 

CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #3) 

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THE MUCKRAKER : EIGHTH EDITION (  JULY 6TH, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP

ALEXIS CAN’T BE TAMED, YET HERE WE ARE. (pg 2)

as much of a secret that @alexiscsmythe​ tries to keep her drinking habits and her hook ups from her dads, considering how fast word travels around lima we all know she carves her way through men faster than she does whole bottles of wine. the question is does @kaplake​ know? not that a woman being a slut maters in the year of 2040, but it seems that only a few weeks ago alexis was crawling into bed with any guy who had a pulse, now she’s taking extravagant trips with on again off again lover, kap. what changed? is there an ulterior motive? we can’t say anything for sure other than we hope kap is ready to deal with heartbreak.

WHO’S YOUR DADDY? (pg 4)

in a shocking twist of events, a source has reported that lima no longer as to speculate the identity of @naomipuck​‘s baby daddy because it’s no other than @tracehummelandersons​. being on of a handful of lima’s himbo’s, it isn’t surprising to learn that trace has a kid floating around somewhere. luckily for us, we get to see this situation unfold as tracy steps into fatherhood with naomi as his baby mama. his mysterious return to lima is finally making some sense, huh?

REALITY SETTLES IN FOR NEW FATHER. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE DIAPERS! (pg 6)

as it turns out, fatherhood isn’t as easy as local idiot @mason-lynn​ seemed to have initially anticipated. while he’s done the bare minimum and seemed to have retreated from lima’s party scene to take care of his son, sources report that he’s done nothing but complain. whether it be from complaints about sex to trying to find time to play video games, it seems that’s all he’s done. complain. if i were patience, i would simply leave him and find a more promising father for my son before he disappoints in a big way.

L IS FOR LET IT GO, REGGIE! (pg 8)

@reggiemartinez​ and @eli-stjames​ were the hot item for quite some time. despite the messy break up, a source has reported that reggie still has the hots for eli! apparently at that woodland birthday bash last week, reggie lured eli into the woods before getting “lost” so that he could confess his love for her. personally, i’d love to see them get back together, but realistically? reggie needs to let it go and let the little lesbian live. 

COUGAR INFESTATION IN OUR OWN BACKYARD! (pg 10)

despite his current girlfriend being just sixteen, apparently @leo-mccarthy​ has a thing for older women. first finn schuester, now @ohbcth​. according to our source, the pair was waiting for summer to come to officially make their moves on one another and what better cover for an affair than making their debut as a directorial duo? if this doesn’t break up ivy and leo, i don’t know what will, but for the sake of those horrible hets coming to an end, i’m going to hope it’s true and sleep sounder tonight. 

BACHELOR AND BACHELORETTE TURNED BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. (pg 12)

sources say @kadenabrams​ and @ljhollidays​ have officially uncommitted from being non committal as they move into this relationship with one another. this is one couple that will definitely be turning heads considering kaden’s been known to make his way through lima girls faster than winnie-love goes through hair extensions and lj had been seen hanging around eli st.james. while this couple is odd, i guess the power of a bone sesh and a few coffee dates are enough to turn lima’s flakiest into lovebirds. best of luck to the happy couple?

CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #9)

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alessia puckerman and kaden abrams have been sleeping together again

AND I PREFER SAUSAGE TO TACOS. . . 

this isn’t news! i suspected more umph from my devoted readers! part of me does wonder when these two will stop their cat and mouse dance and make themselves and item and call it quits. personally? i hope they call it quits and blows up in their faces for all of us to enjoy.

x JBI JR.

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think our reigning prom king kaden abrams will be leaving prom with any of this year's nominees? my bet is on emory puckerman, or maybe he'll make a dramatic return to winnie-love karofsky?

OH HE ABSOLUTELY WILL,

@kadenabrams and those eskimo brothers of his, tracy and grayson can’t resist anything with a pulse. considering how close they are, i don’t think kaden would make the mistake of messing with @winniclove​ again. that being said? taking @emorypuckerman​ home with him would be quite the move. i would like to see it.

x JBI JR.

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kaden isn't a real blonde and uses lime juice to make it blonder. sam evans 2.0?

THIS ONE I KNOW IS TRUE!

it’s no secret @kadenabrams has the same gorgeous locks of one sam evans, but there have been several reports of individuals seeing lime juice on his persons. i’d bet he touches his hair up each time he takes a trip to the bathroom.

x JBI JR.

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i heard that lemon sterling-duval is a freak in the sheets. that's how she's gotten a hold on kaden, trace, AND theo

WHAT IS WITH ALL THE LEMON QUESTIONS?

with as uninteresting as @lemonsterling​ actually is, i would highly doubt she’s THAT good in bed. i think the answer simmer down to the simple science of how . . . well, simple @kadenabrams​, @tracehummelandersons​, and @tj-beiste are.

x JBI JR.