* ｍｕｃｋｒａｋｅｒ!

[limamuckraker]

    THE MUCKRAKER : TWELFTH EDITION (  AUGUST 10TH, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP

WHO’S KEEPING WINNIE’S BED WARM? (pg 2)

@winniclove​ has been noticeably absent from our dreary little town as of late. while it’s no secret she’s filming her big comeback in a guest starring role, sources say she won’t be making a comeback to grayson anytime soon. winnie’s star was already outshining his own and now with this added distance, it only makes sense she’d be leaving that janitor in the dust! the only question left? who’s cleaning up after her now? if you have any tips, please get in touch ASAP!

SILLY FINN! LEO’S FOR KIDS! (pg 4)

whatever is going on between @leo-mccarthy​ and @finnschuesters​ is definitely questionable, right? other than the surprise leo was capable of moving on so quickly, is anyone going to talk about the fact they went on a seemingly romantic getaway to chicago? even though i never would’ve painted finn as a cradle snatcher, i have to hand it to the new couple (?) it was a turn nobody expected to come from the publishing of their little hook up. let’s just hope finn doesn’t keel over and die before leo actually develops a personality beyond brooding!

THE BOY IS BACK! (pg 6)

surprisingly, within the midst of all this cross country, mamma mia drama, somehow @brokelynsd​ managed to throw everyone for another loop when he returned from the dead! sure, we’ve all known he’s been in new york, but it’s not like he, you know, made any efforts to stay connected to lima. can we as a collective blame him though? there’s no doubt it must’ve burned when he found out his long term girlfriend was cheating on him with another chick. who’s gonna tell him naomi and eli are back on though? and when somebody does? give me all the details!

NYU DROPOUT! HE’S STUCK IN LIMA! (pg 8)

so once golden boy @tracehummelandersons​ seems to be back in lima for good! i’m still not sure why he’s back to stay, but a reliable source has told me he’s trading in those silver screen dreams for that horrendous blue mechanic jumpsuit. yes, that’s right, lima’s dearest tracy has dropped out of school and seems to be in lima to stay! welcome to lima loserhood trace, sorry you fell short of filling those gigantic shoes set before you! better luck next lifetime. i hear your friend eli has been dealing lately if you get tired sweating over people’s cars!

CHASE TWO GIRLS, LOSE THEM BOTH! (pg 10)

to nobody’s surprise, @julien-schuester​ decided to go behind girlfriend @roryslade​‘s back and get his dick wet with @ivystjamess​. you all know the saying, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, blah, blah, blah. according to our sources, rory has is still yet to dump julien which? only shows me she’s more messed up than we all may have initially thought. ivy clearly has some perpetual pining for julien. and julien? well it’s obvious he’s a whore. though there isn’t much word on any epic blow ups from rory’s end, she burned julien in another way by performing as well as she did thursday night? and ivy? i heard she’s not speaking to him. but we’ll see how long that lasts. let’s just hope julien has some better car insurance since his last little fuck up!

MAMMA MIA! : A REVIEW BY JACOB BEN ISRAEL II (pg 12)

three words; drama, dad’s, and duds. seeing as i am lima’s most reliable source for anything and everything important, it makes sense the crowds would come swarming for the only review that matters. we all know and love the story of mamma mia, so i’ll save all the boring plot stuff. here’s what i’ll say, cream of the crop: rory slade, baby puckerman, ruby zizes. flops? theo beiste, joey hummel-anderson, leia evans. for me, rory just hit every mark! baby is insane, but it brought a dynamic presence to each of her few scenes. and ruby? talk about a breakout star, unexpected and pleasing, i for one would’ve given someone with her ability and confidence levels tanya, but that’s just me. as for my flops, theo beiste is so stupid you can see it from the nosebleeds! everyone roots for pepper a little and i just didn’t. as for joey, casting a gay as a gay? boring. that’s all i’ll say on that front. and leia’s performance as sophie? talk about a snooze fest. too sweet without enough fire. in whole, the performance was fun and up to mckinley standard, but next show i hope for an actual competent director not afraid to make daring choices. three and a half stars out of five.

CHECK BACK MONDAY (8/24)  FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #13)

[limamuckraker]

HELLO LIMA LOSERS!

i’m sure all of you are wondering just where your beloved muckraker is today and to that i have one simple answer. it’s not coming! after much deliberation, i’ve come to the conclusion that weekly releases of the muckraker have just become too difficult for my perfect hands to craft and publish at the rate that i am! so instead, i will now be posting the muckraker every other week. besides, i think i’d like to build a little more anticipation for when i do drop the hottest gossip. 

that being said, with a new bi-weekly system of the muckraker being posted, in addition to doing the typical work of answering your questions and racking up your tips, honesty hours and the posting of ask memes will occur in the weeks without the muckraker. 

so, now that that’s cleared up, anyone who’s interested in participating in lima’s first ever honesty hour please reblog this post.

x JBI JR.

p.s: for those who don’t know what honesty hour is, it’s free game on any and all who reblog this post! go into their askbox and harass them with those burning questions i know we all have. all i will say is be sure to reblog this post today if you are looking to participate! good luck, and be sure to be brutal everyone!

[limamuckraker]

         THE MUCKRAKER : ELEVENTH EDITION (  JULY 27TH, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP

MOMMY ISSUES TO THE MAX. (pg 2)

it’s no secret @haydengrace-anderson​ has no issue bringing up her own issues when it comes to having grown up without a mother, but as it turns out there may be more of a reason as to why she’s been hyperfixated on motherhood lately! a trustworthy source reported in to us that they spotted hayden at the book store eyeing what to expect when you’re expecting among other parenting books. the last thing lima needs is another hummel-anderson running about, but this story will be one to watch closely!

OFFEND ONE THEATRE KID, GET THE WHOLE GLEE CLUB. (pg 4)

some lessons, unfortunately, are only learned the hard way. @harperpucks​ tries to act mysterious and aloof, but finds himself in a fair amount of twitter beef for such a cool and unfeeling kid. most recently, he tweeted about being free from the annoying musical theatre kids only to have both rory slade and ivy st.james clap back at him. as much as i agree about this past weekend having been peaceful, it’s not worth the embarrassment to get so riled up on twitter.

BAD BOYS ON THE LOOSE! (pg 6)

sources say that lima’s resident twink @joeyhqs​ was seen scampering around new york with @archerxcs​ after curfew to presumably hook up! this plan was incredibly stupid and unsafe which leads me to believe this undoubtedly had to be a joey hummel-anderson original. these two were lucky to not get stabbed and all i can say is that i hope the dick was worth it.

(S)MOTHER(ED) (pg 8)

@bbpuckerman​ is undoubtedly kind of a loose screw and whether that’s because she comes from an actual a nuthouse of a home or has no actual friends is up for debate. i personally think it’s a combination of the two and quinn fabray-puckerman’s helicoptering of her youngest daughter isn’t doing much to help the bad case of the cuckoos baby has come down with! my advice? cut that cord and get your own life, baby! 

LIMA DRUG SCENE ESCALATES INTO FULL BLOWN WAR?! (pg 10)

unassuming @nikolcscs​ has a dark secret and that’s actually that he’s a drug lord! a reliable source has fed us information that his heart of gold is simply an elaborate coverup for the skeleton’s in his closet. the source also says young upstart in the industry, @eli-stjames​ has made nikolas mad in things in lima are about to get messy! stay safe, lima!

WEDDING BELLS ARE RINGING! (pg 12)

as it turns out, this weekend @lemonsterling swapped some pom-poms for a bouquet and eloped with her high school sweetheart @tj-beiste​ in new york of all places! the only surprising thing about this is that lemon has yet to change her instagram handle to lemonbeiste. as vomit inducing as this union is, we can only hope the fact it came so early means we’ll be seeing an annulment before they start popping out any kids.

CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #12)

[limamuckraker]

rank the puckerman girls

TOUGH! I DO LOVE THAT GAGGLE OF BLONDES THOUGH. . . 

to be entirely honest, i’m going to have to tie @bbpuckerman and @emorypuckerman​ for first! they both bring that tapped energy to the table that makes my life more interesting. emory has actively trashed someone’s nose and car, but she’ll be leaving for college, so that doesn’t pull her above baby who i think has the same potential. 

what really matters in this scenario is that @naomipuck​ comes in dead last. sure, the drama when she got pregnant was interesting. key word being was. now that she’s busy being a responsible mother, she’s almost as boring as her bestie finn schuester. unless she does something drastic or has a vegas wedding? she’s dead last for me.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

that 70s show dream cast?

OH! OPTIONS, OPTIONS, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY, 

@kadenabrams as eric forman; i think despite having no acting background, kaden is the only one in lima who can bring a convincing yet pathetic dorkiness to this role. his good looks will be the only thing that have an audience root for despite his questionable actions which, really, is the most kaden abrams thing i’ve heard.

@graysonlopezpierce as steven hyde; he can be grumpy, he’s got an edgier look and an even edgier past. grayson as hyde is sort of a no brainer for me. due to his appearence in mamma mia we know he can at least kind of act and i think he’d play well off of kaden and make for a loveable dynamic.

@julien-schuester as michael kelso; actual idiots who cheat on their girlfriends? yeah, sounds like julien schuester and michael kelso are kindred to me. not only does he fit the bill personality wise, he’s got the acting chops to make this role dynamic and fun to watch in a reboot. not to mention nice enough hair.

@joeyhqs as fez; we all know that if it wasn’t that 70s show fez would probably be out and proud! for that reason, i chose and equally as annoyng, equally as horny, and equally as gullible gay in joey! he can act well enough and it’s close to his personality. i for one, would like to see it.

 @eli-stjames as donna pinciotti; can she act a lick? not that we know of, but assuming who her parents are? there’s a thespian in there somewhere! i would pay to see eli st.james with some red hair and bring the rugged sapphic energy to donna we all know she has. maybe a riskier choice, but still one that would make for good tv.

@ivystjamess as jackie burkhart; richy, bitchy, cheerleader and ivy st.james are practically synonymous! not only does she look the part, but she acts the part irl! this one was an easy and straightforward choice and if there were to be a reboot? i’d see her in this role in hearbeat.

@winniclove as laurie forman; i of course always love to see winnie in larger roles, but a cheating, slut, blonde older sister who is also a bitch? if this were a reboot she’d steal the show with her appearences and like in most everything she does she would become a fan favorite.

@tracehummelandersons as red forman; would an older actor perform just fine in this role? sure, but i don’t care about the old people in lima. therefore i would cast trace who’s asshole behviors only match that of red forman. with modern day technology they can make him look old in a jiff and it would all be worth it!

@emorypuckerman as kitty forman; i think emory could bring a fun little sweet but psycho dynamic to the role of kitty! she flips her switch faster than anyone can blink, so she had to have that natural edge to her. who better than emory puckerman who’s openly displayed her own psycho switch getting flipped?

@mason-lynn as bob pinciotti; dumb, but not in the fun way that julien is. if he could manage to read a script and act out the motions i think he would be entertaining to watch at least. stupid, questionably loveable, i don’t know who else could pull off this sheer lack of brain cells. 

@alessiapuckerman as midge pinciotti; hot and confident within herself and her body, i’d love to see her in this role for a reboot! she has no acting credits under her belt so far, but midge isn’t a particularly difficult role and i’d love to see someone like alessia be the one to fill it.

@wrenschuester as leo; probably my boldest choice, but i don’t think they could keep wren on set long enough without a smoke break for her to be donna. because of this, i think it would be a fun, bold, statement on gender to assign miss seventies queen herself to this hippie role she was always meant to fill.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

winnie cut her hair because joey made fun of her bad extensions

PUH-LEASE! 

if i’m an expert it’s an expert in bitches like winnie-love! she cut her hair because she’s a bad bitch and joey? well joey continues to flop. 

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

jordan move on from alexis challenge. pathetic 🤢

NOT SO LOUD! 

my new dream? i want those hets broken up now that ivy and leo finally called it quits. jordan is my best chance at seeing that happen to kaplexis! if anything? we should be encouraging him to pursue her! 

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

ivy is the most mediocre st.james child and she can’t even sing

HOW DARE?!

listen, i know she can be annoying, and unfortunately extremely heterosexual, but next to winnie-love karofsky she’s the messiest girl lima has to offer. we can all have opinons about how she performs, but it can’t be denied she gets into a lot of stupid shit we can all laugh at her for. the messier they are, the more i love them. everyone needs to adopt this mentality for their own good.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

alessia puckerman and kaden abrams have been sleeping together again

AND I PREFER SAUSAGE TO TACOS. . . 

this isn’t news! i suspected more umph from my devoted readers! part of me does wonder when these two will stop their cat and mouse dance and make themselves and item and call it quits. personally? i hope they call it quits and blows up in their faces for all of us to enjoy.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

LIMA LOSERS!

how is everyone big gay summer? good i hope! i would just adore if you all dropped some messages about how it’s going. in addition to accepting anonymous tips submitted to be published in the muckraker weekly, i’m happy to answer any questions, do any rankings, or honestly please the people in any way! i am a servant to gossip and it is my duty to let the losers in this town know what’s going on. i am the, perez hilton of the modern day so leave a message in the inbox, and i’ll get to them all asap!

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

THE MUCKRAKER : TENTH EDITION (  JULY 20TH, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP

JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON’S WEEK OFF! (pg 2)

after many-a-drag about his actual ass here in the muckraker, a source has reported that @joeyhqs​ has toned down his twinking around lima because he crossed the border over into indiana to get some major work done for the week. apart from some preemptive botox and an alleged face lift, it seems that he got a brazilian butt lift. using what body fat? the answer is unclear, but what is clear? joey got some work done and the twinking will probably resume as usual!

BURNING THROUGH THE BURN OUTS, LJ HOLLIDAY BANGS ALL! (pg 4)

in a shocking turn of events @ljhollidays​​ was spotted at lima’s premier hook up hot spot, the view, with @wrenschuester​​! i’m not sure what makes those brown baggers so appealing, but it seems lj has joined the slew of others here in lima who has been unfortunate enough to hook up with at least three of that crew! let’s just hope that tweet of kaden’s about getting tested was true and lj didn’t swap stds with wren!

DING DONG THOSE WICKED HETS ARE GONE! (pg 6)

i don’t often become emotionally invested in a story, but this story feels like a victory that has been months in the making. those atrocious heterosexuals, @leo-mccarthy​​ and @ivystjamess​​ have finally called it quits. the reasons why are beyond me, i don’t know, and quite frankly i don’t care, but if i had to guess, it probably had something to do with the fact ivy is known to be. . . get around and needed a little more than a greasy film nerd to satisfy her needs.

RUBY MOVES IN ON GRAYSON, WATCH OUT WINNIE! (pg 8)

all of lima was rocked to it’s core when @graysonlopezpierce​​ cheated on @rubyzizes​​ with @winniclove​​! in months passed we’ve come to accept that their relationship is what it is and they’re off being the definition of a straight couple with a girl way out of the guys league. anyhow, i’ve had a very reliable source tell me that ruby is putting the moves on grayson in hopes of stealing her man right from under winnie’s nose and giving her a taste of her own medicine.

WINNIE CHEATS AGAIN? (pg 10)

as mentioned in the previous story, ruby is plotting to steal winnie’s man, but does winnie even care? sources say @winniclove​ was seen cozying up with lima’s loveable church boy @drewharts​ at the lima bean. given their history i wouldn’t be surprised if it very soon became very public that these two are once again hooking up. sorry ruby, but it looks like your master plan might be for nothing!

CANCER SEASON FLOPPED! (pg 12)

cancers are already a flop of a zodiac sign as is, but that has crept into the personal lives of @hunterxslade​, @jrdnabrams​, @alexiscsmythe​, and @graysonlopezpierce​ seeing as all of their birthdays flopped! this only further proves how much as a zodiac sign, cancer sucks! there was no passing out drunk, no crazy hook ups, alexis didn’t even publicly indulge her alcoholism for all of lima to laugh at! regardless of the floppage, i’m just absolutely thrilled for cancer season to be over and sail smoothly into leo. hopefully something interesting will actually come of those parties!

CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #10)

[limamuckraker]

THE MUCKRAKER : NINTH EDITION (  JULY 13th, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP

THE BOYS IN LIMA BETTER WATCH THEIR BACKS! ALIVIA’S PREPPING FOR HALLOWEEN A LITTLE EARLY. (pg 2)

it’s no secret that @aliviaporter​ will fall in love with any guy that simply looks in her direction. this had led to a string of failed relationships and many rejections to the girl that just spends her life acting like a real life cinderella, but apparently alivia’s grown tired of waiting for her prince charming and has taken matters into her own hands. some of her most notable romances are @tj-beiste​ and @tracehummelandersons​. both of who didn’t want her because of prom queen @lemonsterling​ and now she’s planning on doing a seance to make theo and trace both fall in love with her and turn lemon into the ugly step-sister.

WATCH OUT FOR CRACKERIE! (pg 4)

lock up your doors because miss @valeriexlynn​ has proven once again that she gives no fuck about you or your mama. wanna know how we know? a trusting source sent us a police report which shows that val actually has an assault misdemeanor on her! no shock there since we can never place what this girl’s personality is. one minute, she’s tough and the next she’s offering to buy your coffee. sounds like someone’s still trying to “find herself”

STAY AWAY FROM THIS DOODGE OR ELSE YOU MIGHT CATCH SOMETHING! (pg 6)

we all know that @kadenabrams​ is one of lima’s most favorite himbos next to @tracehummelandersons & @graysonlopezpierce and they’ve so called been dubbed as “the three doodges” but it seems like this doodge got up to a little bit of too much fun. we’re all aware of his on again off again romance with model @alessiapuckerman but also his brief hookup with @ljhollidays and brief friends with benefits relationship with @winniclove and also his alleged hook up with @alexiscsmythe... basically, guy gets around and we’d waste a lot of time listing off every body under his belt but turns out kaden has a std and either one of these lovely ladies gave it to him or he’s spreading it around to them. our advice? quit sleeping with these dumb himbos! you’re only hurting yourself, girl!

WASH YOUR HANDS, BABY FEVER IS GOING AROUND (pg 8)

@patienceish and @mason-lynn already have one little ankle biter as all of western ohio must know by now, but sources say that mason's anti-condom tirade along with patience's reclusive behavior that they've been trying for baby number two if they're not already expecting again. best of luck to benny and his future irish twin. if matience needs a good financial advisor, they better haul ass outside of lima! i for one would not want to deal with the paper work of student loans, utility bills, and diaper receipts all with a little gremlin slobbering all over. yet here patience and mason are wanting another stink machine. they should be commended. . . for their unbelievable stupidity.

THE GAPPLE ( GAY APPLE ) DOESNT FALL FAR FROM THE TREE. (pg 10)

uh oh! more trouble in paradise! i love when couples crumble. while @softlcvers and @kylerxlynn seem to be keeping to themselves as a new item. not that i care, the less vomit inducing romance i am subjeed to the better. regardless of my personal preference, it's my duty to report to the people. this retreat from lima's general public by the affectionately dubbed "sawler" may not be so innocent. i guess cheating runs in the family since a little birdie sent in that sawyer has been cheating on kyler for the duration of their entire relationship! a reader's cousin was too afraid to disclose their name, but judging by the bravery it took to send in such a bold tip, i wish the reader's cousin the best of luck and hope to see sawler's relationship burn to the ground.

MY MY JUST HOW MUCH LEO MISSED SEX! (pg 12)

@ivystjamess and @leo-mccarthy are insufferable. this is an indisputable fact just like lemon sterling-duval is as entertaining as a carboard box and joey hummel-anderson's ass actually isn't THAT phat. unsurprisingly, they've landed themselves in yet another muckraker issue. while i can't say i entirely care anymore, word on the street is ivy withheld sex from leo throughout auditions to guarantee her role as sophie sheridan. some may call this bribery, coercion, or just straight up wrong. i call it just straight up innovative. annoying as they are, since they've started having sex again, they've been keeping quiet. i encourage them to keep quiet as long as that doesn't include dry humoing in front of everyone at all of lima's parties!

[limamuckraker]

crazy how cj came out of nowhere and got sam. i think he rigged it somehow.

IT IS KIND OF CRAZY. 

but i doubt it. other than being kind of shady towards leo that one time, he kind of seems to be the mayor of nice guys alongside drew hart.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

is winnie pregnant?

IS SHE? 

if this is a serious source, please contact me. i hope the fuck she isn’t! 

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

trace and theo fighting was the hottest thing i've ever seen

WASN’T IT? 

i’m still sweating. sure, lemon may be boring as hell, but i hope she stirs shit up between those two again just to give us thirsting people what they want.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

finn schuester needs to calm down

DOES SHE?

i kind of prefer her crazy. hope she gives us a britney level breakdown next. 

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

when did eli st. james became such a raging lesbian?

I DON’T KNOW

probably the same time she realized her parents are two of the most annoying heterosexuals to graze god’s green earth.

x JBI JR.