#theo beiste

[limamuckraker]

         THE MUCKRAKER : ELEVENTH EDITION (  JULY 27TH, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP

MOMMY ISSUES TO THE MAX. (pg 2)

it’s no secret @haydengrace-anderson​ has no issue bringing up her own issues when it comes to having grown up without a mother, but as it turns out there may be more of a reason as to why she’s been hyperfixated on motherhood lately! a trustworthy source reported in to us that they spotted hayden at the book store eyeing what to expect when you’re expecting among other parenting books. the last thing lima needs is another hummel-anderson running about, but this story will be one to watch closely!

OFFEND ONE THEATRE KID, GET THE WHOLE GLEE CLUB. (pg 4)

some lessons, unfortunately, are only learned the hard way. @harperpucks​ tries to act mysterious and aloof, but finds himself in a fair amount of twitter beef for such a cool and unfeeling kid. most recently, he tweeted about being free from the annoying musical theatre kids only to have both rory slade and ivy st.james clap back at him. as much as i agree about this past weekend having been peaceful, it’s not worth the embarrassment to get so riled up on twitter.

BAD BOYS ON THE LOOSE! (pg 6)

sources say that lima’s resident twink @joeyhqs​ was seen scampering around new york with @archerxcs​ after curfew to presumably hook up! this plan was incredibly stupid and unsafe which leads me to believe this undoubtedly had to be a joey hummel-anderson original. these two were lucky to not get stabbed and all i can say is that i hope the dick was worth it.

(S)MOTHER(ED) (pg 8)

@bbpuckerman​ is undoubtedly kind of a loose screw and whether that’s because she comes from an actual a nuthouse of a home or has no actual friends is up for debate. i personally think it’s a combination of the two and quinn fabray-puckerman’s helicoptering of her youngest daughter isn’t doing much to help the bad case of the cuckoos baby has come down with! my advice? cut that cord and get your own life, baby! 

LIMA DRUG SCENE ESCALATES INTO FULL BLOWN WAR?! (pg 10)

unassuming @nikolcscs​ has a dark secret and that’s actually that he’s a drug lord! a reliable source has fed us information that his heart of gold is simply an elaborate coverup for the skeleton’s in his closet. the source also says young upstart in the industry, @eli-stjames​ has made nikolas mad in things in lima are about to get messy! stay safe, lima!

WEDDING BELLS ARE RINGING! (pg 12)

as it turns out, this weekend @lemonsterling swapped some pom-poms for a bouquet and eloped with her high school sweetheart @tj-beiste​ in new york of all places! the only surprising thing about this is that lemon has yet to change her instagram handle to lemonbeiste. as vomit inducing as this union is, we can only hope the fact it came so early means we’ll be seeing an annulment before they start popping out any kids.

CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #12)

[muckrakerhq]

PRESENTING . . . FONDUE FOR TWO, EVERY TUESDAY, HOSTED BY JOEY HUMMEL-ANDERSON.

featuring. . . this week’s guests, @zoepuckerman & @theobeiste​

fondue for two is a weekly internet talk show hosted by joey hummel-anderson. fondue for two, joey, and the muckraker team strive to get all the steaming gossip while he interviews guests of his choice over a steaming pot of cheese.

[Joey’s room - Joey sits across from Zoe and Theo, Gil the Fish is in a bowl behind the three of them while a pot of fondue is between the three.]

JOEY: Hello everyone and welcome to Fondue for Two, the world’s most popular internet show and that I decided to bring back because it’s tribute month in Glee Club. For the people who don’t use the internet to watch awesome videos and instead use it to do homework, I’ll be interviewing people every week while we eat fondue because I’m bored. Today’s guests are Theo Beiste and Zoe Puckerman, the most popular people in school according to the Hot or Not list. Also, Gil the Fish but he won’t be talking because he’s grounded. Do the two of you have any questions before we start?

ZOE: Yeah, I have one. Why couldn't we have done this separately?

THEO: I kind of have to agree with her bro. No warning? No heads up about this being a duo situation? Feels kinda fucked up. Sorry—messed up. Can I swear on this thing?

JOEY: To answer all of your questions, the answer is no. To all of them. I think it's better if we do it like this. Moving on, first question is for Theo: is it true that you only date blondes because you're allergic to other types of hair?

THEO: I don't only date blondes. Half of them aren't even natural blondes or whatever. So to answer your question...no.

JOEY: I've never seen you date a girl that isn't blonde, so I'm not sure if I believe you. Next question: Zoe, is it true that you broke up with Theo because he found out you're not a natural blonde?

ZOE: No, I broke up with Theo because he's a tool who only cares about football and his friends.

JOEY: So what you're saying is that you're not a natural blonde? You heard it here first, folks. So, Theo, how does it feel to be the most popular guy in school?

THEO: That's not true, Zoe. I care about a lot of things. But anyway, back to your question, Joey...it feels pretty good, I guess. I'm not sure how legitimate the list is but I'm flattered regardless.

JOEY: Well, I still think I should be in first place, but I can live if you're the one in it. And Zoe, how does it feel to be the most popular girl in school? Do you think your life will get better than this?

ZOE: It doesn't feel any different than normal? I always knew I was the most popular girl... And, yes. My life will get immensely better as soon I get to leave Lima.

JOEY: I'm glad that you think so, I'm sure our parents all thought the same too. Next question comes from an anonymous fan and it's for Theo - is it true that you slept with Baby? [Pop-up shows up saying "Baby is Zoe's sister"]

THEO: What? No. Bro who told you that? None of that anonymous bull shit. Who is spreading this? It's not true. It's not.

ZOE: Who sent that in? This interview will NOT continue if you don't provide a source.

JOEY: I can't tell you that, it's anonymous for a reason. Moving on, another question from another fan, Zoe, is it true that you're sleeping with Cam? Because if you are, good for you!

THEO: Cam wouldn't sleep with her.

JOEY: Let her answer, it's not your turn.

ZOE: Thank you, Joey. At least one man here has manners.

THEO: Whatever.

ZOE: No, I'm not sleeping with Cam. He's literally dating my best friend?

ZOE: And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, Theo? You did.

THEO: I did what? Sleep with you? So?

ZOE: Unfortunately for me. You asked why I dumped him, Joey? I'm sure you can put two and two together.

JOEY: Stop fighting, the two of you are upsetting Gil and he can't be stressed because he'll blow up. Now, you both need to say something nice to each other or else.

THEO: What do you mean? Just anything?

JOEY: Just say something nice, it's not that hard.

THEO: Fine. Let me just clear up one thing first. All I meant was that Cam is dating Eli so why would he sleep with her best friend? He's not that kind of dude. So you can chill, Zoe. I wasn't trying to say anything fucked up about you.

THEO: In terms of something nice? Shit. I don't know. Zoe has a really pretty smile. [a pause] Is that good enough? Can we be done here?

JOEY: Zoe, what do you have to say for yourself?

ZOE: Theo is a really great friend to his boys. He's willing to drop anything at a moment's notice for them.

THEO: Does the compliment count if it's backhanded? I would've dropped anything for you too and you know it. But whatever. That's fine. She doesn't need to say anything nice to me.

JOEY: Okay, I think that's enough. The two of you clearly have a lot of drama you need to solve and honestly, I don't want to be here when you do. Did you at least have fun?

ZOE: I appreciate the opportunity to speak my truth, Joey, but I would have had a lot more fun had it just been us two.

THEO: I had fun. Thanks for this, Jojo. Also I'm glad your fish is doing well.

JOEY: Awesome! Tune back next week for brand new guests on Fondue for Two! 

[The End]

[limamuckraker]

      THE MUCKRAKER : THIRD EDITION ( JUNE 1ST, 2040 )

THERE’S NEVER A DULL WEEK IN LIMA, OHIO. READ THIS WEEK’S EDITION BELOW TO STAY IN THE KNOW OF LIMA’S HOTTEST GOSSIP!

CHEERIO CHEATS ON LOSER WITH FOOTBALL PLAYER, IS ANYONE SURPRISED? (pg 2)

anyone with eyes and ears could tell things were tense between lima’s most unlikely couple @ivystjamess​ and @leo-mccarthy​ at prom. what they might not be aware of is that one ivy st.james was getting busy in the bathroom AGAIN. sources tell us she was seen sneaking in there with @archerxcs​. this was later confirmed by an after party goer who admitted to hearing ivy tell lemon sterling-duval that her and archer had shared a kiss. given her track record with boys though, we’d be surprised if it was just a kiss. who could blame her though? leo mccarthy has the classic case of lima loser waiting to happen. 

SLUT STRIKES BACK! (pg 4)

catfight! according to our sources @winniclove​ was walking around prom with a welt worthy of the guinness book of world records on her face. it came to no surprise when the plot thickened that @rubyzizes​ was the one responsible for slapping winnie. given their history with grayson, some may argue that winnie deserved a lot worse, but personally here at the muckraker we find ruby zizes to be a literal attention whore. it’s no wonder one would be jealous of winnie-love karofsky, but we find it kind of sad when it’s a girl who was cheated on the dumped out of her first relationship. some people just aren’t meant to find love! and they shouldn’t take it out on the beautiful like winnie.

PROSTITUTION FOR PROM PRINCESS VOTES? (pg 4)

it came as a shock to just about everyone that @shanepuck​ won prom princess. while there were allegations tossed around about bella lopez-pierce stuffing the ballot box, with her status as the only cheerleading glee club member on the ballot, we figured she would likely be a shoe in. but shortly after prom we learned there was a wrench thrown in the mix by shane! seeing her date boring hart as mckinley’s prom prince frontrunner activated those psycho puckerman-fabray genes! a week prior to prom she was offering herself up to multiple male staff members in exchange for the elections to sway her way. this was brought to us by her sister, emory puckerman. god, i love when those girls go crazy!

5YOW? MORE LIKE FIVE YEARS TILL FAILURE! (pg 6)

@hunterxslade​, @graysonlopezpierce​,and @tatumfm​ make up 5 years of winter, or more commonly referred to as 5yow. but their performance at prom left people thinking 5yowza! many students report things just generally seeming off and to us here at the muckraker we instantly knew that meant lip syncing! there’s a history of lip syncing scandals at mckinley and we wouldn’t be shocked to hear that these has-been’s waiting to happen are the latest in the list of lip syncing embarrassments! 

PUNCH BOWL CULPRITS SAVE PROM (pg 8)

for the most part, prom was a predictable snooze fest! the only thing that spiced it up was @aliviaporter​ and @kadenabrams​ joint effort to spike the punch bowl. though somebody usually spikes it, seeing drunk underage kids flopping around a dance floor all night really makes prom something special. we just hope alivia doesn’t catch feelings for kaden like she does with any guy who gives her an extra minute of attention.

TROUBLE IN PROM ROYALTY PARADISE (pg 10)

predictably @lemonsterling​ and @tj-beiste​ took home the title of prom king and queen, but it seems a saving grace @leiaevans​ crept in and provided some much needed drama for this eventual pta mom and coach dad. in an intimate hallway tryst, leia evans was overhead confessing her love for theo which put so called, ‘themon’ at odds for the rest of the evening to make matters even more interesting lemon was spotted kissing @tracehummelandersons​ at LJ’s prom after party. these two really can’t go more than a week without incident! i unfortunately doubt it’ll be the thing that i’m hoping breaks them up, how boring could they get?

JULIEN SCHUESTER MOVING IN A DEW DIRECTION (pg 12)

our sources say even in spite of taking crazy ex-girlfriend emory puckerman to prom, @julien-schuester​ hooked up with @roryslade​ in his own brothers office! which is kind of disgusting, but after their duet we aren’t surprised to hear reports of such a thing. rory slade notoriously throws herself at any guy older than her or who might give her an edge on tense glee club competition, which, julien fits the bill for both. while they quite literally defiled the choir room, we can only hope julien ditching emory results in some broken bones for rory and a new set of slashed tires for julien!

 CHECK BACK NEXT MONDAY FOR THE MUCKRAKER (ISSUE #4)

[limamuckraker]

trace and theo fighting was the hottest thing i've ever seen

WASN’T IT? 

i’m still sweating. sure, lemon may be boring as hell, but i hope she stirs shit up between those two again just to give us thirsting people what they want.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

Me and buddies saw Theo Beiste and the new girl smoking at the view together the other night. Kinda sus.

ANOTHER THEO SCANDAL? THAT NAUGHTY BOY!

is @tj-beiste​ @ljhollidays next murder victim? or was it a simple moonlit tryst?? my money’s on BOTH.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

predictions of what will happen at prom?

WHAT A FUN QUESTION! LET’S GET INTO IT.

1. @tj-beiste​ and @lemonsterling will (unfortunately) take home prom king and queen

2. prom prince and princess will got to some boring guy and @wtfbclla

3. there will be an inevitable fight between @winniclove and @charlottexha​, probably instigated by lottie

4. @ivystjamess will cry in the bathroom at least once 

6. @joeyhqs will wear platforms to try and seem taller in hopes of attaining votes for prom king

5. @leo-mccarthy will show up late or not at all 

6. @emorypuckerman and @shanepuck will team up to try and spike the punch bowl

7. @beaumartinx​ and @archerxcs will share another kiss beneath the bleachers

8. @jorutherford and @rubyzizes will have a nauseating and PUBLIC heartwarming moment

9. @sunshinestephaniekoo​ and @drewharts​ will have a big blow out argument on the dance floor 

10.  @mason-lynn will accidentally get drunk off the spiked punch.

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

i heard theo beiste has a micropenis

PSHHHH

i seriously doubt @tj-beiste has a micropenis. and if he does? keep it to yourself. some of us, myself included, enjoy a healthy level of fantasy. 

x JBI JR.

[limamuckraker]

rumor has it lemon's got theo wearing a chasity belt. heard they're waiting until marriage

IS THAT SO? 

well, as unfortunate it is to see both @lemonsterling AND @tj-beiste​ officially off the market, i wouldn’t be surprised to find this true. it’s no secret both of them have fucked their way through lima like rabbits and while it’s odd they’d wait till marriage, i believe theo’s whipped enough. 

x JBI JR.