#joke items

[obviouschangeling]

Some Joke D&D items I made.

[dndarkive]

The Deck of Certain Things, or: The Joke Item That Almost Destroyed my Campaign

From u/astonishingantman: “I created this thing over two years ago as a joke item. One of my players became convinced that I was trying to trick them, and that it was a real Deck of Many Things. His paranoia spread, and the party nearly killed each other over it. After some impromptu group therapy, they decided to leave the Deck be and never speak of it again.

So now you get to use it. Have fun!”

Deck of Certain Things Wondrous Item, Legendary

A set of 10 cards that come in a small box. “Deck of Certain Things” has been crudely carved into the box’s lid in Common.

Before you draw a card, you must declare how many cards you intend to draw and then draw them randomly (you can use a d10 to simulate the deck). Any cards drawn in excess of this number have no effect. Otherwise, as soon as you draw a card from the deck, its magic takes effect. Each card must be drawn no more than 1 hour after the previous draw. If you fail to draw the chosen number, the remaining cards fly from the deck and take effect all at once. Once a card is drawn it cannot reappear.

Once all 10 cards have been drawn, a pair of Gloves of Thievery appear in the deck box, along with a note thanking the Deck’s owner for the fun.

The cards are decorated with shoddy-looking artwork, seemingly scribbled with crayon. They are:

Acorn - 3d8 terrified squirrels are transported to your location from elsewhere on the material plane.

Fireworks - Your weapon explodes into a shower of brightly-colored glitter. It reforms in 1 hour.

Prospector - A wooden chest containing 10,000 pieces of counterfeit gold drops at your feet. The coins show a winking jester on both sides.

Liar - For the next 1d12 hours, telling a lie causes your trousers to ignite, dealing 1d6 points of fire damage.

Honey Jar - Summons a friendly sentient bear named Sigmund, who acts as an apothecary, selling the party potions from his backpack. He vanishes after 1d20 minutes.

Wallflower - You instantly succeed on all Insight checks for 24 hours, but fail all Intimidation checks.

Invitation - An imp appears in a burst of smoke, kicks you in the shins, then vanishes.

Nightmare - All items worn on your person, with the exception of undergarments, turn invisible for 1d4 hours.

Quill - A flameskull appears in front of you, delivers a heartfelt soliloquy, then explodes in a pillar of green flame. All creatures within 5 feet must make a Dexterity saving throw or take 2d10 fire damage.

Infant - For the next hour your voice is replaced with the shrill cries of a baby. You are unable to communicate through speech or cast spells with a verbal component.

[catcomixzstudios]

More joke magic items

I was inspired by this post to make a bunch of creatively dumb items for tabletop RPGs. In no particular order:

1. The Infinity Spear - A spear with an endless top part. It is immeasurably heavy. It cannot be brought indoors or into any enclosed spaces.

2. The Amulet of Tears - When worn, the wearer begins crying with the same intensity reserved for the loss of a loved one. It has no other effects.

3. The Accordion of Memories - While played, a memory of the user’s choice appears to anyone nearby. The memory is displayed in extreme detail; all of the sights, sounds, smells, etc from the memory are present. However, regardless of the user’s skill with accordions, the sound accompanying the memory is blaring and completely off-key. 

4. The Boots of Punching - These boots, when worn on a person’s hands, dramatically improves their hand-to-hand combat skills.

5. The Amulet of Dragon-breath - This amulet makes the wearer’s breath smell like that of a giant lizard. 

6. Glasses of Despair - These glasses give the wearer visions of the absolute worse-case scenario of any situation, especially when you don’t want them to.

7. Glasses of Disrepair - Glasses that grant the wearer perfect sight... through the bits that aren’t broken and completely unfixable. 

8. Glasses of Despairing Disrepair - These completely unfixable glasses provide the wearer with multiple horrifying outcomes to every possible situation they encounter. The glasses are directly responsible for many of them.

9. (Crossbow) Bolts of Extermination - When fired, these bolts will automatically seek out the nearest insect to strike. If the nearest insect is on a surface, be it anything from a wall to a living person, the bolt pierces the insect just far enough as to not hit whatever is beyond it.

10. Arrows of Truth - Arrows that force a target to only speak the truth when they pierce that target’s throat. 

11. The Cloth of Bludgeoning - An 8″ by 8″ cloth that has a 1 in 1 million chance of bludgeoning an enemy to death instantly. 

12. Glass Armor set - This full-body armor perfectly conforms to fit the body of whoever wears it. It’s still made of extremely thin glass though, so...

13. The Fright Knife - A knife that is terrified of combat. If the blade comes in contact with anything, it immediately retracts and inflicts no damage.

14. The Dagger of Empathy - The wielder instantly suffers the same damage and wounds as anyone they attack with it.

15. The Finisher - A marvelous sword. When used to attack a target, it will harmlessly bounce off. The only time the sword will inflict any damage whatsoever is if it’s used on a target with EXACTLY 1 HP left; in that circumstance, it will deal exactly 1 point of damage.

16. The Circlet of Endless Mana - If the wearer runs critically low on mana, this decorative arm-band will instantly fill them with an unlimited pool of it. The wearer cannot access this mana until their own has fully recharged, at which point the energy offered by the circlet fades away.

17. The Rations of Compromise - Delectable foodstuffs kept in a small, colorful sack. When a keyword is chosen and spoken to the sack, it opens and allows anyone to eat the food within. Anyone who eats the food will not feel hungry at all until the keyword is spoken again. During that time, however, they will also suffer from a CONSTANT bout of diarrhea. 

18. The Reverse Rations of Compromise - Same idea as above, except whoever eats them will constantly be hungry and never have diarrhea until the keyword is spoken again. 

19. The Tome of Otherworldly Legends - A magical book which tells epic tales of gods and heroes that are completely alien to the reader’s world and are in no way relevant to their experiences.

20. Lens of Hindsight - A small eyeglass that shows whoever looks through it what choice they should have made in the past long after the consequences have come to pass.

21. Bladed Codpiece - The blades are on the inside.

22. Shield of Offense - This magical shield will produce images on its normally blank surface that whoever the wielder will find extremely offensive. It will not protect the wielder from any attacks from an offended party.

23. Pocket Shelter - A portable, comfortable shelter for an individual’s pockets. It does not house whatever is inside the pockets, just the pockets themselves. 

24. Russian Roulette Revolver - This gun has near perfect accuracy, regardless of who is it wielded by. Whenever it is fired, however, the user must roll 1d6; if they roll a 1, the shot is treated as if the bullet was fired directly in the user’s right temple, regardless of where the gun is actually shot from. On the off-chance the user survives, the gun ceases to function for them.

25. The Pretty Blade - An elegant sword that will always match with your outfit... but its stats are just below whatever your current weapon is.

26. The Petty Blade - A not-so-attractive sword that refuses to be used against anything that looks better than it.

27. The Danger Bell - This bell chimes whenever there is danger. Anywhere.

28. The Hornet’s Gift - A fabulous black and yellow cape. If the wearer touches the small hornet clasp on it, they instantly become adept at one non-combat skill (playing an instrument, lockpicking, etc) until they touch the clasp again. During that period, the wearer will be completely covered from head to toe in furious hornets, and have to make one hell of a Will or Concentration check to continue doing whatever they intend to do.

29. The Cape of Indefinite Flight - When the wearer touches this cape’s clasp, they’re rocketed at least 40 feet in the air. They will be able to fly as long as they stay above that threshold (dipping below 40 feet causes the flight ability to instantly cease). The flight ability will also just stop at a completely unknown time to the wearer. 

30. The Wand of Bad Endings - Using this wand will instantly make your foe win whatever conflict you’re a part of, be it anything from chess to life-or-death combat. 

31. The Assassin’s Knife - A rad knife that belongs to one of the most dangerous and unforgiving assassins in the entire world. She knows you have it now, and she wants her knife back. 

32. The Ring of Hairvoyance - This ring grants an ability which is similar to Clairvoyance, except the view you see is as though you’re looking through that individual’s hair rather than their eyes. Note that you’re not guaranteed to be seeing through the hair on the subject’s head.

33. Touch of Kawaii-das - A ring that grants an ability similar King Midas’ touch that turns things to gold, except it just makes whatever the wearer touches really cute instead. It has no impact on the target’s stats or abilities. It is not reversible. 

34. Orb of Sunlight - When this orb is used, it produces a light as powerful as the sun itself. It also produces the same amount of heat as the sun when doing so.

35. The Belt of Unlargement - This belt drastically reduces the size of the wearer’s genitalia once it is worn. It is not reversible.