there is… a lot of things i could rant about, to be honest. i could talk about my treatment when i was arrested. i could talk about the way people viewed and acted towards my friends and i. i could talk about the ways in which i suffered, about the velvet room, about any of it.
and yet there’s one thing i cant stop thinking of right now.
or 67 weeks. or 1 year, 3 months, and 14 days.
thats how long it took from the time he died to the time i actually got to properly see him again—more than just the one time i caught a glimpse of him. not counting the version of him i saw in maruki’s fake reality (and that is another thing i’ll have to save for another rant. i killed him, by the way. maruki. or, well, if you want to be pedantic about it, i just “let” him die, but no. i killed him. i wanted him dead. i could have saved him but i chose not to because i couldn’t stand existing in a world where he was still alive, not when he had hurt my friends, hurt me like that. not when he used goro against me like that. but anyway. i’m getting off topic.)
you could argue that i “didn’t truly know him all that long” before i lost him. but that erases everything we meant to each other. everything we became to each other.
i lost him on december 18th (the last day to beat shido in game. funny, isn’t it? i waited until the last minute because i knew—because i was terrified something would go wrong.)
i didn’t get him back until 1 year, 3 months, and 14 days later.
and the worst part is—other than morgana?—i have no idea how many of the others fucking knew and chose not to tell me (and the only reason morgana didn’t know is because i’d managed to smuggle him home with me). at first it was only ann who knew, but then he ended up staying in my attic room at leblanc’s. everyone went there so much that there’s no way they didn’t know, right? and like, i get it. he didn’t owe me anything. i wasn’t owed anything from him. he was under no responsibility to reach out to me. he didn’t even have my phone number, because he’d been forced to block me and then he’d fucking died (or not-died? does it even matter anymore?). so i get it. but no one else told me? no one else bothered to tell me? not even my own fucking father figure, until i moved back to tokyo—a whole year and 11 days after i’d left, by the way. instead, i had to show up on my own, morgana in tow, and proceed to panic when i saw the boy i had been in love with—the one i had been desperately, delusionally trying to convince myself wasn’t dead.
i’m not owed anything, but god does it fucking hurt. i mourned so badly i nearly lost myself. i spent every chance i could desperately searching for a way he could be alive. i carried his glove with me at all times—because he promised me a rematch, hadn’t he? i fell into such a bad depression that morgana had to fight me to get me out of bed in the morning. i thought i’d lost him—i grieved for him twice in the period of two fucking months. i lost sleep, lost weight, lost contact with so much of the world. only to find out that he was alive, and nobody told me.
and i feel selfish for being so angry and hurt about it. because obviously he was recovering too, and if he wasn’t in the state to see me, he wasn’t in the state to see me. but if i’d been told to stay the fuck away, i would have, so long as i’d known he was alive.
maybe i misjudged something. i don’t know. i just don’t understand why i wasn’t good enough to know. why i wasn’t good enough to be told? maybe it’s because im so pathetic about all of this. look at me, joker, leader of the phantom thieves, a complete mess all because he wasn’t told that the boy he loved was still alive.
i’m tired of being angry.
i’m tired of breaking down over this shit.
i’m tired of panicking, because experiencing both yaldabaoth and maruki’s fake realities—especiallymaruki’s—instilled a fear in me so deep rooted that i can’t help but be terrified i’ve somehow ended up back in it. because of the treatment i experienced while arrested, so now i can’t even look at a cop without fucking losing it. because of everything i went through.
i’m tired of feeling like i’m not good enough. wasn’t good enough as ren amamiya. not good enough as joker. never good enough.
- ren amamiya / joker, persona 5 royal, fictive, #🔥🪽
11hAnonymous asked:correction/addition to the ask i just sent in:i don’t know if the others knew or not. i don’t think they did. a selfish part of me hopes they didn’t, hopes i wasn’t the last fucking person to find out. but at the very least ann and sojiro—and possibly futaba too, considering she was not only sojiro’s adoptive daughter but absolutely a good enough hacker that there’s a chance she may have hacked into leblanc’s security cameras and seen him around at some point—knew. maybe not everyone knew, but they did.and it still hurts though. it still fucking hurts.- ren amamiya / joker, persona 5 royal, fictive, #🔥🪽 Answer
