✦ note: I need to stop writing stories about the men that wreck me, cause then they end up in my biasline... welcome to the club Josh, about time you joined the lineup
Much like Seungcheol, Joshua woke up on his thirteenth birthday without any kind of indicator of a mark. But it didn’t take him long before he realized just what his mark was.
Three days after the party, he woke up with a lip gloss and four bobby pins on the pillow next to him. In the beginning he was certain it was his mother pulling a prank on him, so he just returned all of the items to her.
After a few weeks she finally sat him down and asked if he was stealing things to give her.
It took the pair a bit of back and forth before they realized it was in fact no pranks being pulled, nor had Jamie Hong’s son suddenly become a kleptomaniac, no it was in fact all your doing.
Joshua had been nothing short of excited. No one liked to lose things, but all of the sudden he didn’t have to mourn them, because at one point they would all be returned to him.
At the first chance he got, he bought a little box to store it all in. It was his own little treasure chest, and every treasure taught him a little more about you.
When he started training at Pledis he suddenly had a lot of shadows, which meant that everyone picked up things after him.
The first time he had tried telling Jun not to pick up the little hearts that fell out of his backpockets, the man had only stared at him, not understanding a single word he was saying. It also made it impossible for him to be mad at him.
So when they all talked through their marks, it lightened the burden a little, and the things lost were quickly just left on the floor, until they disappeared to wherever the universe stored them.
Every once in a while he would lose something that he adored or desperately needed. The first thing was an in-ear, more precisely, his very first set. That had led to a scolding by their manager.
The second thing had been a personalized keyring his mother had gifted him when he decided to follow his dream of becoming a singer. It hurt a little extra because his keys were in fact stuck to it.
He at least hoped that some of it would be clues as to who he was, that everything would lead you to him one day.
You, however, lost everything. It was rare that he woke up without at least one scrunchie or a lipgloss on his pillow.
It always brought a smile to his lips.
You loved mint gum, not spearmint but mint. The scrunchies you lost were always black, so he assumed that it was the color you wore the most, until one day you lost a blue one.
He assumed it had some significance, maybe it even brought luck, so he started wearing it whenever they were recording new music.
One Saturday morning he woke up to a stiletto resting next to him. He had laughed long and hard about that.
His very own princess.
He was a romantic at heart, so he did really appreciate the sentiment.
The guys had all laughed at him, who would’ve thought his other half would be as chaotic as he himself were?
It took you a little longer to finally have a gift waiting on the pillow next to you. But when you woke to a handful of carefully cut out hearts on your pillow, you knew exactly where it had come from.
The romantic gestures were something he kept up, Valentine’s Day meant that you would wake up to a single rose on your pillow.
On his first birthday you woke up to a little box with a bracelet inside of it. The following birthdays there was once again a little box waiting on your pillow, all containing a little charm inside for you to attach to the bracelet.
Every box carrying a little note:
Happy birthday to me.
To my love
From J
Your father had always teased you that your soulmate spoiled you more than he did. Which also meant he was in fact worthy to be the one to protect and carry your heart forever.
Every little gift made your heart beat a little faster, and it made your cheeks heat up, a red hue painting them, a similar shade to the roses he always picked up.
When he lost his in-ears it was the first real hint you got, and the Hangul writing on the tape attached to it was the second.
So at the first chance you got you traveled to Seoul, and ended up settling down there.
The keychain he had lost had become the one you used in your everyday life and everything else was kept in a box on your dresser.
Your move to Seoul meant that you, unlike most of the soulmates of the group, got exposed to idols and Seventeen at a somewhat early age.
Seventeen had become your favorite quickly, and it had been because of none other than your other half.
The voice and overall look of Joshua Hong made you blush and stutter most of the time someone even mentioned him, something that of course made total sense since he was your bias.
Everyone felt like that, right?
Seoul was a big city so you had never run into the idol, thank all the gods, your little heart would’ve not have been able to handle that.
The closest you had ever been had been at your usual salon where he had walked in, followed closely by none other than Hoshi, a man, as it turned out, that was your hairdresser's soulmate.
You had been a blushing mess and it had been your luck that your bias hadn’t looked you way.
The following months after Pink and Hoshi had been introduced to one another the soulmates of the band had kept popping up here and there, it had been a pleasure to follow along in their story and celebrate their joy and excitement.
Not long after the article about the women behind the band had been published you had awoken to a white green hydrangea on your pillow, with a little note attached to it; ‘our flower’ was all the note said.
Which of course had to be a coincidence, right?
On one particular morning Joshua was having a bit of attitude, one that Vernon as per usual was quick to catch up on.
He raised a brow at his American brother and switched from Korean to English in the blink of an eye. Which meant that the two of them would be able to have a somewhat private conversation, despite being in a room full of people.
“What’s wrong?” He asked with a raised brow and that expression that didn’t give away even a slither of emotion.
Joshua sighed. “I tried with a letter again yesterday,” he shrugged. “It just came straight back to me”.
It hadn’t been the first time he had tried communicating with more than just a little note attached to gifts.
But it seemed that the universe was determined to keep the two of you apart, for just a tad bit longer.
“She’ll pop up when you least expect it” Vernon said with a little smile.
Joshua only sent him a stern look. The one that said: ‘keep it up or I’ll spill your secret’
Which only made Vernon smile widened.
“It’s her birthday soon, right? What do you plan on gifting her?” The young man said as he leaned a little closer.
Joshua shrugged. “I don’t really know, I was hoping for something grand, something special. But it’s a little hard losing valuable gifts. People tend to just pick them up, or in some cases steal them”
He couldn’t help but think back on one of the times someone had snatched the gift off the ground, meant for you, and ran off with it.
“At least you can give her something,” Vernon said as he stood up from his place on the floor.
“Well so can-”
Vernon pointed at his brother with a stern look. “Don’t you even dare” he said, before he turned on his heel, leaving the conversation behind.
The day had been terrible, long and soul crushing all at once. There was nothing you wanted more than to just drown a bottle of wine, stuff your face with a three course meal you hadn’t cooked yourself and then drift to sleep.
You pulled the bottle of wine a little closer to your chest, as you stood in line at the grocery store, a little scared you were so tired you might drop it.
When you pulled out your wallet from your jacket pocket, you didn’t notice how your keychain, his keychain, fell out of your pocket.
However, the woman behind you did, and gently picked it up. And just as she was about to tap your shoulder and give it back to you, she looked it over, and felt her heart pick up.
She knew it, she knew it well, after all she had been the one to pick it out for her son.
An enthusiastic tap of your shoulder made you turn towards her. She was older, yet a beauty, there was no denying that, and she beamed as if she was the sun itself.
“Excuse me, this might sound a little strange, but what are you doing tonight miss?”
There was something familiar about her, something you couldn’t quite place with the mask covering most of her face.
You smiled politely as you lifted the bottle of wine, which seemed to only amuse her. She gave you the keychain back and you thanked her profusely.
“You know, I know that keychain…” She said carefully as her eyes searched yours.
It took a little while for the sentence to stick to your brain, it took a little while for the word to make sense.
“Y-you do?” you said as you swallowed once.
She only nodded before she smiled even wider beneath that white mask of hers. You had searched for a similar keychain online, but nothing had really matched it.
“I do, I designed it for my son”
You felt yourself stumble back a little, and for a second there you almost dropped the bottle of wine. Lucky the woman before you were quick, and catched it before it had a chance to slip from your arms.
“You’re… his… mine… This is insane” you said as you laughed a little
She grabbed onto your arm and pulled you next to her.
“Let me cook you dinner darling, I’ll invite Jisoo as well”
There was nothing you could do but nod, cause your body refused to cooperate with every panicked thought of your brain.
You helped her pack her groceries and despite the fact that you knew you should be nervous, being with her felt natural.
He held on to your arm as the two of you left the store and pulled you close to her. There was a smile on her lips that radiated nothing short of pride. As if she was already proud of you, as if she had already welcomed you into the family without even knowing anything about you.
She made you feel right at home, all you could do now was hope that her son would invoke the same type of feelings.
His mother had called twice in a row, but he hadn’t noticed with his phone in the other end of the practice room.
And when her son didn’t answer she began calling his brothers. Jeonghan was the first to notice, and picked up at the first ring.
“Eomma, are you okay?” he asked as he looked towards his so-called twin, worried for a second that she had bad news.
“Jeonghan, darling, yes! I just need to get a hold on my son” she responded back through the phone, it was clear to hear a bubbling excitement in her voice, so he relaxed instantly.
He smiled before walking the few steps towards Joshua, handing his phone to him.
“Dude, it’s your mom”
Joshua looked worried for a second, but the calm demeanor from his older brother helped him relax.
“Mom” he said as he raised the phone to his ear, curiosity brewing in his veins.
“Jisoo, I’m gonna need you to come home for dinner today” she didn’t specify why, but there was no denying that she was in fact okay.
He looked to Woozi with a raised brow and made a face of confusion. The two of them had a standing date every other sunday for dinner or some other kind of activity, and this day was a friday.
“Mom that’s sweet of you but I already have plans…”
He didn’t get to explain further before she interrupted him.
“Jisoo Joshua Hong, you listen to me right now, you’re coming home for dinner, you’re picking up flowers on the way, and you better be freshly showered and good looking when you arrive!”
Her voice was stern and for a second he felt like a child being scolded once again.
He sighed as he rubbed his eyes with one hand in frustration. “Mom we’re practicing, we have the music video shoot in the morning and need to go over the last few things. So I’m not really sure I’ll be able to make it to dinner”
He looked down at his watch. He definitely wouldn’t be able to make it.
“Jisoo” she said once again, and all he did was sigh in response. “Jisoo, I found her”
It was as if everything around him stopped. The music and the yells from his members fated into the background and all he could focus on was the words spilling from his mothers mouth.
He said nothing so she continued. “I was out shopping, she stood in front of me in line. She dropped your keychain, you know the one you lost?”
He nodded even though she wasn’t able to see it.
“She’s currently walking around in the living room, no doubt looking at all your baby pictures, and I do not want to spoil who you are, so you need to get here, and you need to get here soon”
He swallowed once.
“Okay, I’ll be there in an hour”
She hung up the phone and all the noise of the world returned.
“SK! Thalia!” he yelled out as he gave the phone back to the rightful owner.
The pair came up to him quickly. “I need flowers” was all he said. His brother looked like one giant question mark, but his soulmate on the other hand didn’t question him for even a second.
Instead she took her other half’s hand and pushed him around the room until all the flowers of every member bloomed.
He bent down and picked those he felt would go great together with yours, and then he headed straight for his things.
Seungcheol ran up to him. “Josh, we still have practice, you can’t just leave”
“Cheol I have too” there was a desperate sound to his voice, a need that the leader knew all too well, so instead of picking a fight he melted and let him leave with only a wish of good luck.
Jisoo, as you had learned his name was, had an amazingly strong mother. The house she lived in was incredible, one her son had apparently brought for her.
She had ordered you to sit down in the kitchen, then she had opened the bottle of wine you had bought, poured the two of you a glass and then started cooking for you.
“I don’t want to ask too much, because some of it I would like to learn from him. But what can you tell me?”
She smiled softly. “He’s my only child, but he has a lot of very close friends that he typically refers to as his brothers. Kind of a workaholic, his schedule can be a little hectic from time to time, but he always prioritizes what’s important to him”
“That’s a good quality”
“Well I did raise a pretty good man, if I do say so myself”
You couldn’t help but laugh. “My dad says the same thing, he likes that he spoils me so much, even though we’ve never met”
She beamed at that.
The two of you talked back and forth for a while and then you saw a car pull up. You didn’t mean to but you instantly stood up. Fidgeting with your hands, you looked at Jamie with nervous eyes and all she did was send you a reassuring smile.
She went to greet her son, you could hear the pair talk. And then he entered the kitchen and your entire world stopped.
Because you knew him, you knew exactly who he was.
He moved a little closer and laid the giant bouquet of flowers on the kitchen island.
“Hi” He said with a gentle smile, and even more gentle eyes. “I’m…”
“... Joshua” you finished. He beamed at that.
“You know me?” He crooked his head to the side, and you couldn’t help but laugh. The Joshua Hong was standing in front of you, the Joshua Hong was your soulmate.
You nodded, and the tears in your eyes threatened to spill. So instead you just opened your arms, and he moved towards you accordingly.
He had you in his arms in an instant. Picking you up from the floor as he wellowed in the feeling of your legs closing around his torso, of your arms around his neck and of your cheek next to his.
He felt right at home, and he knew you had belonged to him and him alone, since the day the two of you were born.
He was huge, tall and muscular and the videos and pictures didn’t do him justice.
All the waiting had been worth it, and you wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms like this, but at some point his mother cleared her throat.
“Dinner is ready” she said with a gentle and happy smile.
Joshua sat you back down, yet he made sure to take your hand in his as he let you to the dining room.
The three of you ate dinner, talked and got to know one another, and at every point he either had your hand in his, or he had it resting somewhere on your body.
It was as if he physically needed to make sure that you were in fact right there.
When dinner was done, he offered to drive you home and there was no way you were saying no to that.
He held out his hand for you to take as he drove, and you took it without a second thought.
“So I have to ask, are you a carat?” He looked at you with that alluring smile that had always made something in you yearn for him.
You laughed silently as you tried hiding behind your intertwined hands.
“Yeah, I am” you said as you silently shoom your head.
“You know I have to ask right?” he said teasingly.
“Don’t worry, you’ve been my bias since the first time I saw you”
It was almost as if you could see him puff up his chest at that comment. He felt pride stirring in his heart. Pride that you had been watching him and cheering him on for a while.
“We actually almost saw each other once”
He whipped his head towards you. “Really? Where? Was it at a concert?”
You shook your head. “No, it was the day Hoshi and Pink met one another. I was the customer in her chair"
He looked at you with big eyes. “Are you telling me that if I had just sticked around for a couple of minutes more, I might’ve actually have found you that day?”
It was almost as if you could feel the sadness fill the car.
You nodded. “I’m glad it didn’t happen that day though”
He only raised a brow, almost as if he was to scared of why that was.
“I would hate to share the spotlight of being the new addition to the group, this feels better, more like…”
He smiled at that. “Feels more like us”
You nodded once again. “Exactly”
He laughed almost silently. “Well you know what we have to do now? Now we have to get you your spotlight”
You were early, earlier than most of the staff and definitely earlier than all of the guys. Which was a part of the plan.
It was supposed to be a surprise, that a mystery woman suddenly stood in their dressing room. Because how had you gotten there, and who the hell were you.
Joshua pulled his arm around your shoulder and pulled you close to him. Gently kissing your forehead. “Breathe my love” was all he said as you nuzzled into his side.
It melted his heart to have you this close, that you wanted to be this close to him. It felt good, it felt like home.
The two of you had spent the night in your apartment, intertwined in bed as you tried learning as much about one another as you could, while still getting sleep, which he definitely needed before the shoot today.
The first one to get there was Seungcheol, he was by Joshua's side in an instant, pulling the man into a tight hug before he turned towards you and introduced himself.
People came as the minutes passed by, and then Pink and Hoshi joined.
You looked at the woman you had seen so many times before. She crooked her head to the side.
“B? What the hell are you…?” And then she saw the arm slung around your shoulder, and quickly after the screaming began.
“OH MY GOD?! You’re kidding me?!” She had thrown herself at you and Joshua without any thought.
The spotlight was officially on you, and you didn’t mind one bit, not as long as it meant that he was by your side.
✦ as always; please comment, like, share, reblog all of that. It what's keeps me going and keeps me writing. My asks are always open for feedback or if you just wanna give me a little praise.
Summary: What starts as a simple breakfast disagreement unfolds into something deeper.
Joshua truly hadn’t expected last night’s lighthearted debate—Korean breakfast or American breakfast—to spiral into something this serious. To him, it was just a casual comment. He missed Korean food, that was all. After having pancakes, eggs, and bacon nearly every morning for months, a simple thought had slipped from his lips when you asked about breakfast plans.
“Seaweed soup and grilled corvina sound good,” he’d said, tone soft and hopeful.
“But I want bacon,” you mumbled from the bed, half-buried under the covers.
Joshua had smiled gently, brushing it off. “Then we can have bacon, love.”
Your reply came quickly, tinged with a tremble he hadn’t expected. “But you want soup and corvina. I don’t like corvina. Why do you always suggest food I don’t like?”
That’s when it hit him—he was too late to register the warning signs. You were eight months pregnant. Eight months into swollen ankles, midnight cravings, restless sleep, and unpredictable waves of emotion. The woman he married—the composed, collected, sharp-witted woman—had become someone entirely new these past few months. Still you, but softer in all the fragile, hormonal ways pregnancy seemed to bring.
And that’s how you ended up sitting alone at the dining table the next morning, quietly picking at a breakfast of cereal, scrambled eggs, and fruit. No bacon. No corvina. Just silence and the sound of your spoon tapping the side of the bowl.
Joshua passed by on his way to the kitchen, pausing just long enough to lean down and kiss your temple. “You should’ve woken me up, love,” he murmured, guilt sitting heavy in his chest.
You didn’t respond. Not even a glance.
Here we go again.
Joshua sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, wondering how a conversation about soup and fish had turned into this chasm between you. But then he caught sight of your hand resting over your belly, fingers unconsciously tracing tiny circles.
And he remembered—this wasn’t just about breakfast. This was about the enormous love growing inside you. A love neither of you fully knew yet, but already ruled your every word.
He exhaled deeply, turned back, and grabbed a pan. He needed to cook some bacon before your breakfast finished.
Next on your list was the laundry. Without a word, you made your way to the closet and reached for the heavy, overflowing laundry basket. Joshua’s heart nearly stopped when he turned the corner and saw you struggling to lift it.
“Love, it’s heavy—lemme help,” he said urgently, already closing the distance between you. His hands gently took the basket from your grip before you could protest.
“You’re not supposed to carry things like this,” he added softly, his voice lined with concern.
You didn’t respond, but you didn’t fight him either. You simply let go, allowing him to carry the basket down the hall to the laundry room. A small victory, he thought.
Joshua set it down with a soft thud and turned to see you right behind him, sleeves rolled up, already grabbing handfuls of clothes to toss into the washer. It was a simple chore, nothing demanding, but the way you bent slightly, the way your feet shifted to balance your weight—he couldn’t help but worry. Eight months along, and still determined to move like you weren’t carrying an entire universe inside you.
“How about you rest and I’ll finish this later, love?” he offered, stepping closer, voice low and hopeful.
You simply shook your head, silent, and brushed past him to grab the soap from the shelf. The faint scent of lavender detergent filled the room as you poured it in without missing a beat.
Joshua exhaled, lips pressed into a thin line. Nothing would stop you. Not swollen feet, not aching legs, not even his gentle pleading.
He leaned against the doorframe, watching you with a mix of admiration and helplessness. You were stubborn, fierce, and endlessly capable—even while carrying his child. And despite his worry, he couldn’t help but love you more with every quiet act of defiance.
Still, he made a mental note to sneak in a foot massage later.
*
“Still mad at me, baby?” Joshua asked softly, testing the waters as the last of the sunlight slipped through the curtains. The living room was bathed in a warm, fading glow, and the quiet hum of the television filled the air. On the screen, an animation played at a normal volume, cheerful and bright—but Joshua could tell you weren’t really watching. The way you sat there, motionless on the couch, spoke louder than any words.
He set the steaming plate of lasagna—the meal you’d mentioned craving days ago—on the dining table before turning toward you. For a moment, he hesitated, watching how the light framed your face, how your fingers toyed absently with the hem of your sweater. Then, with a quiet sigh, he peeled off his oven mitts and made his way to you.
“I’m so sorry, love,” he murmured, lowering himself to a crouch in front of you. His hands came to rest gently on your knees, thumbs tracing slow, tender circles against your skin. “I didn’t know my words hurt you that much. Let’s eat, yeah? I made lasagna.”
You didn’t look at him. Your gaze stayed fixed on the screen, though your lips pressed together in that familiar way that made his chest tighten. Joshua studied you in the fading light—the soft rise and fall of your shoulders, the quiet defiance in your silence, and the exhaustion that shadowed your eyes.
He could feel it—the edge of another wave of emotion about to crash between you. The room was heavy with the kind of stillness that always came before something broke.
“Talk it out, remember?” Joshua’s voice was gentle, almost pleading, as he stayed crouched before you.
You let out a deep sigh, your brows knitting together as though holding back a storm. Then your hands came up to cover your face, muffling the tremor in your breath.
“I don’t think I can do this,” you whispered, voice barely steady before it broke into a quiet sniffle.
Joshua’s heart clenched. He stood immediately, gathering you into his arms without a second thought. “Hey, what are you talking about, baby?” he murmured, his hand rubbing soothing circles along your back.
For a moment, there was only the sound of your quiet crying, the small, broken gasps against his chest. Then, between sobs, came the words that made his whole body still.
“I don’t think I can be a mother.”
Joshua’s hold tightened, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other pressing you closer to him. “No, baby,” he said softly, his voice trembling but sure. “You’re gonna be an amazing mother. You already are—she’s so lucky to have you.”
You shook your head against him, voice shaking as it slipped out between hiccuped breaths. “I can’t even let out my emotions with words. What if I keep suppressing everything? What if it affects our daughter?”
Joshua pulled back just enough to look at you, his thumbs brushing away the tears that clung stubbornly to your cheeks. The ache in his chest deepened as he took in your swollen eyes, your trembling lips, the raw fear that had been quietly building inside you for weeks.
The room had grown dim, save for the soft flicker of the TV light painting shadows across your faces. In that silence, he could feel the weight of your worry—honest, human, and heartbreakingly tender.
He didn’t rush to fill it. He just held you closer, whispering against your hair, “Then we’ll learn together.”
*
Generational trauma is real, Joshua thought, especially now that he had to face it firsthand. His family hadn’t been perfect either—there were years of misunderstandings and quiet distance between him and his parents. But with you, it felt different. The weight of responsibility rested solely on the two of you. No one else could carry it.
The topic of children hadn’t come up until your second anniversary. You both avoided it, perhaps out of fear of burdening each other. Joshua had told himself he didn’t want to pressure you; after all, you’d be the one making greater sacrifices. But deep down, it wasn’t just about timing—it was about pain neither of you had ever spoken aloud.
There were hurts. Old wounds. Unresolved memories neither of you dared to unearth.
It wasn’t until his mother stepped in, after an argument that caught everyone off guard, that things began to unravel.
“I know you two don’t want to mess this up,” she said calmly, eyes soft but firm. “But no matter how perfect you try to be, you’ll make mistakes. It’s scary—but that’s what being together means.”
Her words lingered with Joshua. A week before, he decided to test the waters. He showed you pictures of his friends’ children, casually mentioning how cute they were, how nice it would be to have your own someday.
“I think it’s time we have ours,” he said gently, watching your reaction.
You smiled faintly, but your eyes didn’t match the curve of your lips. Days passed. Then a week. You grew distant, quieter. And Joshua, though patient, couldn’t ignore the heaviness that had settled between you.
When you finally spoke, your voice trembled. “I don’t think I can give you a child.”
He froze, unsure how to respond.
“It’s complicated,” you continued, tears threatening to fall. “I—I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”
That night turned into a long, unfiltered conversation—one that neither of you realized had been waiting years to happen. Words spilled like a flood, all the emotions and fears you’d both buried deep surfacing at once.
“It’s scary to think I might fail my kids,” you said quietly, sitting across from his mother at the dinner table. “Just like how mine failed me.”
Joshua’s mother looked at you with the kind of understanding that only experience could bring. “You’re not afraid of having a child, sweetheart,” she said softly. “You’re afraid of your childhood—and how it might shape your choices.”
Silence followed, thick and fragile. You took a shaky breath.
“I’ve been trying to heal,” you whispered. “I’m working so hard to end this… this generational trauma I’ve carried. But sometimes I wonder if I ever truly can.”
Joshua reached across the table, his hand finding yours. He squeezed gently, grounding you.
“Y/n,” his mother said, voice low but steady, “the fact that you’re trying—to heal, to protect your future child from what you went through—that’s already a gift for your unborn child.”
Your lip quivered as tears welled in your eyes. And that night, the two of you sat there in quiet understanding, tears falling freely.
“One at a time, baby,” Joshua whispered, his voice barely above a breath as he held your trembling figure on the couch.
“We’ll do this together, okay? One step at a time.” His hand moved in slow, comforting circles across your back while the other brushed gently through your hair, untangling strands damp with tears.
For a while, neither of you spoke. The room was quiet except for the soft rhythm of your breathing and the muffled sound of the clock ticking on the wall. Joshua just stayed there—steady, patient, his warmth wrapping around you like a promise.
After a minute, he pulled back slightly, just enough to see your face. Your eyes were red, lashes still wet, your lips parted as if caught between words you didn’t know how to say.
“Now…” he murmured, brushing a tear from your cheek with his thumb, his gaze tender but firm. “You can tell me slowly, love. How you’re feeling.”
“I feel really bad seeing you do everything even after I treated you badly,” you whispered, voice unsteady, eyes fixed on your trembling hands. “I can’t even explain why I acted that way. I just—there were so many emotions all at once, I couldn’t even register what I was feeling.”
Joshua nodded softly, a faint smile tugging at his lips. “You’re telling me now,” he said gently, his tone calm, patient—an anchor in your storm.
After a brief pause, he asked quietly, “What emotion did you feel the most?”
You hesitated, shoulders rising and falling in a small, defeated shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe… disappointed?”
His brows drew together slightly. “At me?”
You shook your head. “At myself.”
Joshua’s heart softened. He reached for your hand, his thumb rubbing slow, reassuring strokes over your knuckles. “Oh, baby,” he murmured, voice low and warm. “There’s nothing to be disappointed about. You’re doing so well.”
Your lip trembled as you whispered, “But I treated you badly… and you’re still nice.”
Joshua’s smile lingered, soft and sad, the kind that carried both understanding and heartache. He squeezed your hand gently, drawing you closer until your forehead met his shoulder.
“Being nice isn’t something I do for you,” he said quietly, his voice steady against the weight of your guilt. “It’s what you deserve. Even when you’re hurting. Even when you don’t know how to say it.”
Your chest rose and fell, uneven with the breaths you tried to steady. The warmth of his body seeped into you, grounding you, melting the walls you didn’t even realize you’d built.
“I don’t deserve you,” you whispered, your words breaking halfway through.
Joshua pulled back just enough to look at you. His thumb brushed away the tear that slipped down your cheek. “Don’t say that,” he murmured. “You deserve someone who stays when things are heavy. Someone who listens. That’s what love is, isn’t it?”
You looked up at him then, eyes red and glistening, and something in his gaze made your throat tighten. There was no judgment there—only quiet devotion, a steady kind of love that had weathered every storm you’d thrown at him.
“I just don’t want to hurt you again,” you said, voice trembling.
He shook his head, a faint smile curving his lips. “Then we’ll learn from it. Together.”
He leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “You’re allowed to have bad days, love. You’re allowed to break down. It doesn’t make you unkind. It makes you human.”
You nodded slowly, a shaky breath escaping your lips as you leaned into him. His arm came around you again, pulling you close until your heartbeat began to match his—steady, patient, forgiving.
And in that quiet moment, surrounded by fading light and unspoken promises, it finally felt like you could breathe again.
*
Five years later, the house that once echoed with late-night sobs and whispered reassurances was now filled with laughter—tiny footsteps running across the living room, toys scattered under the couch, and a high-pitched giggle that could melt away even the hardest days.
Your daughter, Hana, sat cross-legged on the rug, her small fingers carefully peeling the wrapper off a strawberry candy. Joshua was at the kitchen counter, sleeves rolled up, humming softly as he brewed coffee. You watched the two of them from the sofa, heart full. It was strange how quiet peace could feel after everything you’d gone through to reach it.
“Mommy,” Hana’s voice broke through your thoughts. She turned to you, holding the candy in both hands like it was something precious. “Can I give this to the boy outside? He looks sad.”
You blinked, following her gaze toward the window. Outside, a little boy sat on the curb, his chin tucked between his knees, shoulders slumped.
Joshua looked up from his mug, catching your eyes. A smile slowly tugged at his lips—soft, knowing. You felt it too—that same tug in your chest, the kind that reminded you of the night you once told him you were afraid of failing as a mother. And here she was, the little girl you feared you’d never be ready for, already showing a kind of empathy that made your heart ache in the best way.
You nodded gently. “That’s very kind of you, sweetheart. Go ahead, but don’t forget to say hi first.”
Hana grinned, hopping up as her curls bounced. She slipped on her shoes clumsily before rushing outside. Through the window, you and Joshua watched her kneel in front of the boy, her small hands extending the pink candy. They talked for a moment—he hesitated, then smiled, taking it shyly.
Joshua came to stand beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “She’s got your heart,” he said softly.
You leaned into him, eyes never leaving your daughter. “She’s got ours,” you whispered back.
For a moment, you both stood in silence, watching her share a laugh with the boy outside. The sunlight caught in her hair, and something inside you—the same part that once carried fear and doubt—finally felt whole.
Joshua pressed a kiss to your temple. “See? You’re an amazing mother,” he murmured, echoing the same words he once said years ago.
This time, you didn’t argue. You just smiled, tears glinting at the corners of your eyes, watching your little girl spread the kind of love you once had to learn to believe in.
the small romantic gestures that seventeen would be @fairyhaos
Kim Mingyu
guilty as sin (the thought crosses your mind that this is something you definitely shouldn't be doing. that what you're just about to do will be a terribly wrong move for you and your freshly broken heart.) @toruro
clarity (bf's best friend mingyu, (awkward) acquaintances to lovers, the other side of the f2l trope, angst, smut, you could say there's a drizzle of fluff) @hannieoftheyear
pure coincidence (office worker!mingyu x officer worker!reader) @sluttyminghao
that’s so true ❤️🩹(exes!mingyu x reader.) @studioeisa
The Admirer Was Right in Front of You — Kim Mingyu (Non-idol au, college au, romance (?), comedy, modern au (no specific setting, but contemporary vibe), slice of life and light-hearted mystery ) @mylovesstuffs
STRAWBERRY SCENTED STRINGS (bassist! mingyu x cellist! f reader) @himewonu
SAVE THE DATE (5 weddings in one year. 5 dates you saved for you and your boyfriend to attend — before he cheated. and now, you had to force your best friend, vernon, to go with you. but after losing a bet, mingyu agrees to take vernon’s place and be your date. this wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go, but you guess you could settle going with your only one-night-stand from college.) @goldenhourology
Back To Me (Mingyu or Hansol? You finally decide who you want to be with.) @xomakara
still yours (exes to lovers, second chance romance, fluff, angst, smut MDNI!) @cherrynpink
Theories & Heartstrings (Neighbours AU! Fake Dating AU! (but only one is fake dating. It’ll make sense when you read it, lol). Non-Idol AU!.) @wongyuseokie
croissant cravings (A seating chart mix-up has you crossing paths with a very good-looking pastry chef. ) @facethesunflower
Let Me Hear You Say... (mut (minor dni), heavy angst, fluff, toxic, ranch au, brothers best friend au) @onlymingyus
KITTY'S GOT CLAWS (a svt spiderman x jujutsu kaisen au (what a mouthful >< ), spiderman!mingyu, blackcat!reader, lots of banter, mild fighting scenes = mentions of blood and injuries !!, fluff with angst if you squint) @yi2huo
might let you make me juno @straylightdream
good behavior (just smut tbh) @ddeonghwa-s
Jeon Wonwoo
My Ride or Die (Late one night, you're attacked outside the library—your bag stolen and safety shattered. But someone saw everything. A mysterious stranger steps in to recover what was lost. What begins as a random rescue soon hints at deeper intentions and unexpected connections.) @missgraylock
WHAT IF you were wonwoo’s gf and almost got caught during NANA TOUR surprises… @cherriicou
good sport | wicked games series (bartender wonwoo, bartender mingyu, messy love triangle, friends with benefits, right person wrong time) @hannieween
on call (you'd never sleep in an on-call room, but that doesn't mean you won't find other uses for it.) @kkaetnipjeon
first love/late spring (first love/s, feelings realization/denial, reincarnation.) @studioeisa
The Fine Print (Enemies to Lovers | Fake Dating | Revenge Pact | Forced Marriage Fallout) @kathaelipwse
Lip Tint Stains and Hair Ties (childhood friends to lovers, school, college, slow burn, fluff, one shot, peachesndreams) @shineesbackbitches
Yours to Keep (Before leaving for military service, Wonwoo hands you a disposable camera, saying, "Take a picture whenever you think of me." At first, you laugh it off, but as the days pass, you find yourself reaching for the camera more often than you expected) @nerdycheol
make 'em sweat (introducing you to his friends doesn't go quite the way wonwoo expected (title from water by seventeen ; technically a sequel to fuck the neighbors but can be read as a standalone) @sluttywonwoo
progress report: i am missing you to death - jww(Childhood friends to lovers, smut, fluff, angst, college au) @imnotshua
CHEMTRAILS (Wonwoo is the last person you expect to find at a grief support group, but he may just be the peace that you need to weather all of your storms.) @vampsol
Warning Signal (In a treacherous turn of events, your most recent mission gets tangled with Wonwoo's, the last person you'd want to partner up with. As the lives of your targets get more and more intertwined, and your plan gets more complicated, memories of the past and feelings you thought you could put aside threaten to ruin the mission.) @hannieoftheyear
A New Vendetta (Wonwoo x Mafia's daughter reader) @thedensworld
wish you were here (you don't do long-distance. you never have, and you never will. not unless it's jeon wonwoo - and those chances are slim, as it is.) @haologram
My Brother's Bestfriend (fluff, light angst, smut, established relationship, doting!boyfriend wonwoo, slightly possessive!wonwoo, light comedy, soft but intense makeout sessions, lap-sitting & straddling, emotional intimacy, domestic sweetness, wonwoo being obsessed with reader™, mild tension but nothing too serious, clingy!wonwoo (unintentionally), wonwoo official lipstick tester & lip plumper) @honeyhaeya
SLACKING OFF. ( being technologically averse, yet a complete control freak to your core, you tend to annoy senior IT specialist, jeon wonwoo, to no end. but after an apology brings you two closer together, wonwoo finds himself reaching out to you more often than not. on and off slack. despite what you two had originally perceived, you find yourself thrown into feelings that neither of you could've ever prepared for.) @goldenhourology
heaven knows (non-idol au, seminary student joshua, hurt/comfort (??), secret relationship, mentions of church, joshua is the pastor's son, mutual pining, physical touching (ex: hugging, holding hands), pet names (joshua calls reader baby), they are not slick your honor everyone knows they're in love) @seokminfilm
When Tangerines Give You Lemons (joshua fluff, joshua angst, joshua both, joshua breathing, joshua existing, non-idol!au, lawyer!au, hurt & comfort, angst first fluff later kinda; a warm rain after a heavy storm) @moonstarsunflower
Break (h.js) (Witch!Joshua x Cursed!Reader) @sailorsoons
starting again (you're wallowing in self-pity at your friends' wedding after being cheated on. you think you're unworthy of love until you meet someone who changes your mind.) @wonwootattoo
i can still see it all. (best friends to strangers to friends to lovers, non au, set in svtverse, idol!joshua, hairstylist!reader, some angst, nsfw, smut, unprotected sex, biting, hair pulling, dacryphilia, teasing, fingering, multiple orgasms, drunk sex, mentions of alcohol.) @woncheolisms
we both 🐚 (romance, friendship, light angst. 🐚 includes. mentions of food, death; cussing/swearing. alternate universe: non-idol; joshua is a marine biologist. bad-at-being-exes/exes to ???) @studioeisa
blurring the lines (you think you know everything about your best friend, dashing bachelor joshua hong. when you stumble upon his suggestive literature from his recent travels, however, reading even an extract is enough to make you question everything. unsure of your newfound feelings, you turn to your confidante, unaware of just how much knowledge—and experience—he has to offer.) @amourcheol
begging for the next (no one needs to know what you and joshua get up to except the two of you.) @100vern
Yoon Jeonghan
dropout | part one (okay, so you dropped out of law school. and you need a job. and the only job your wildly specific resume can get you is… lifeguard at the local 3.2-star water park, and the person assigned to supervise you at your new post is the mysterious and gorgeous yoon jeonghan. what could possibly go wrong? ) @kkaetnipjeon
always the lover, never the loved (lovers to ??? ; angst, mentions of suggestive themes) @haologram
Undue Influence (lawyer fem!reader x lawyer!jeonghan) @starlightxsvt
the final defense of the dying (hunger games mentor!jeonghan x tribute!reader.) @studioeisa (IM OBSESSED WITH THIS ONE)
Even Dumbasses Deserve Love (Yoon Jeonghan, your beautiful, wonderful, amazing, dumb-ass of a best friend who somehow doesn't see how hopelessly in love with him you are. ) @cheers-to-you-th
𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙚𝙭𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙙 (after an arranged marriage you come to realize that your new husband, the crown prince, and his kingdom are not like anything you expected) @yerimacoustic
Lee Seokmin
you deserve each other (co-workers seokmin x reader.) @studioeisa
Best Neighbor of All Time Award | Lee Seokmin (M) (Seokmin is the best neighbor you've ever had, making it impossible not to fall for his charms.) @drunk-on-dk
picture of a perfect rose (n total years of your whole life, you met Seokmin only twice. That will change drastically starting now. Because the young King is unfortunately a good person, loves his mother, and a true believer in good of people. No matter how hard it is to find and how cold he looks outside.) @youngwonhui
You Know What They Say About Men With Big Feet @hansols-yoda-boxers
Lee Chan
Cherry Sours (l.c) (Mafiaverse, Cyberpunk, Strangers to Lovers) @sailorsoons
CHWE HANSOL
Dark Gospel (c.hs) (After experiencing what you’re sure is a possession, you try to help Vernon get his old self back. Except - Vernon doesn’t want his old self back and you’re not sure you hate the new Vernon either. ) @sailorsoons
KISS 'ER UP (CHV) pt. 1 (baseball player!vernon x fashion designer/fan!reader) @shuastar
Kwan Soonyoung
in the zone | ksy (strangers to lovers, (accidental) roommates; smut, fluff, lite angst) @100vern
we can be all we need (best friends to lovers, idiots in love, a bit of miscommunication, angst for like one second, happy ending) @joshujin
the accidental kiss (fluff, comedy, strangers to lovers au, college au, idiots to idiots in love, profanity, alcohol consumption—please let me know if i’ve missed anything!) @fxstpace
busy woman @straylightdream
Echoes of Summer (Get ready for the most unforgettable summer yet at Camp Logan, where lifelong memories are made, friendships are strengthened, and old crushes make new appearances.) @mr-cha-n
red wine supernova (friends to lovers, childhood friend to lovers, romance, fluff, smut) @straylightdream
Xu Minghao
Rain Room (x.mh) (Waterpark Worker!Mingao x Waterpark Worker!Reader) @sailorsoons
the quiet world (minghao saves his words for you.) @studioeisa
💼 pairing: coworker!joshua x fem!reader
💼 genre/content: coworkers, angst, work crush
💼 warnings: misogyny, horrible male boss, degrading language toward reader, smut in full story
💼 summary: your work crush, Joshua is nothing short of sweet and caring towards you- the only woman on your team at Carat Inc. However, when a new manager takes over and makes drastic changes, you're the only one affected. And much to your dismay, you've been thrown under the bus by none other than Joshua. How do you move forward after this unexpected betrayal?
💼 word count: 630
💼 a/n: this is for all my corporate baddies just like myself
Your face slowly falls as you realize what exactly Manager Choi is saying.
“You’re giving away my top two projects? Why?”
“We feel there are better leaders suited for the demands of these projects.”
“I have been working on Project Fahrenheit for two years. I’ve built a relationship with all the employees and the managers, I’ve visited the site-”
“We know, and we thank you for your hard work. But we will be relieving you from both of these projects effective immediately. Moving on-”
“I don’t understand,” you cut, feeling your ears burn with complete shock.
Manager Choi looks at you impatiently, like an adult entertaining the ramblings of a child.
“Why are you giving away my projects?”
“Like I said, there are better leaders-”
“Who?”
Manager Choi hesitates.
“I am giving Project Pegasus to Seungcheol.”
“And I am giving Project Fahrenheit to Joshua.”
Seungcheol, Manager Choi’s son, is a completely unqualified dick who’s always been a jerk to you. The true definition of a nepo baby.
But Joshua?
The only man on your team who’s had your back. The one who pushed you to take on Project Fahrenheit.
You immediately turn to look at him.
“Did you know?”
Joshua doesn’t say anything. But the look in his eyes tells you the truth.
“When did you find out?”
Joshua sits up straight and fixes his tie. “I was informed yesterday morning.”
Yesterday morning. When he laughed with you and ate lunch with you and walked you to the bus stop. The whole time, he knew.
You’ve been blindsided in front of your whole team. Of course, you, the only woman.
And you’ve been betrayed by the only person who you thought was your friend.
With a scoff and a roll of your eyes, you stand up, grab your notebook, and walk out of the room. Your heels click on the floor as you make a beeline to Manager Jung- Manager Choi’s boss.
You don’t bother knocking- you walk right in and stand in front of his desk.
“Miss Kim, what can I-,” he starts with a surprised look on his face.
“I was just informed that Manager Choi is reassigning my highest-grossing projects. The ones I’ve spent years working on. And he assigned me the bottom-tier projects that will not gross sales. I am one of the most qualified members of my team, and I will not be treated this way. I want you to move me to a new team, or else I’m putting in my letter of resignation. By the end of the day.”
Manager Jung sits frozen in his seat.
“Okay, well, perhaps Manager Choi had a good reason for this reassignment. You know he had a really good background at his last company, which is why we recruited him to improve the direction of all the teams in your org,” he says while folding his hands and avoiding eye contact.
Your silence lets Manager Jung know that you will not accept this nonsense, hollow explanation as an answer.
“How about this? Let me go over Manager Choi’s plans within the week. If I feel he has valid reasons for reassigning your projects, then we will go forward with those, and we can discuss moving you to a different team. But if I disagree with him, then I’ll ensure you get your projects back. How’s that?” he says with a smile.
You don’t smile back. Instead, you immediately turn around and walk out of his office and past your desk, straight to the elevators. Even though it’s 11 AM, you’re done for the day. You’re sick of your team’s bullshit, Manager Jung’s spineless ass, and most of all, Joshua.
You can’t believe you’ve had a crush on him for three years now. And for a little while, you thought he liked you back.
summary: Before Joshua, your life could best be described as feared, isolated and lonely. Now you had a community because of him, people that loved and accepted you despite the danger you were putting yourselves in for the future of your country. And maybe, if you see another day, Joshua would be yours too.
wc: 22,177
genre: non-idol au | fantasy au
rating: 18+ MDNI
tags: strangers to lovers, non-idol au, fantasy au, romance, fluff, smut the whole shabang, slow burn romance, very storyline driven so a lot of loose ends that will tie itself up later in the collection, usage of magic, explicit violence and mentions of death (one on screen death scene), unprotected p in v sex, fingering (f.receiving)
a/n: the further we get into the collection, the juicier it gets. im SO excited to be sharing the fics with all of you and i'm so grateful for the people who are following along! ^^ i hope you enjoy :D and so much thanks to @livmarauder for proofreading and sprinting with me alongside @yourislandgirl <3
listening to: let it happen - tame impala ; (don't fear) the reaper - blue öyster cult ; berghain - rosalía : house of the rising sun - the animals
On the day that fire burns blue, The One brings forth everything true.
It is her that will rise and destroy what Talon once knew.
There was a strange feeling settling into his chest when he first stumbled across the organisation. Something about it had put him on edge, but he was willing to hear it out anyway. For people like him there was no such thing as community, but it was exactly what the organisation offered. For people like them, there was nothing like a safe haven, but they prided themselves on being exactly that.
Nearly convinced to join himself, he turned around at the last moment and walked away. He lived with the consequences of that action to this day.
He'd always had an inkling that nothing was what it seemed, but up until that moment, their intentions had merely been a speculation. Up until the message was transcripted, he was in the dark, comfortable and unknowing.
When he looked around, his confidants were silent. He could hear a pin drop. There was something etched into their faces that he hadn't seen before, not even when they arrived into his care.
Airu had the guts to speak up first on many occasions, but even they remained silent. Slumped in their seat, hand covering their chin and a part of their mouth, their eyes stared into nothingness.
"This is the first time they mention the 'One,'" Daphne cut through. Her eyes were like a clear crystal, shining in the light but almost unnoticable in the dark. "They preach it to us—" She interrupted herself with a tight smile. "them, but never to the outside."
His arms were crossed as he stared at the message. His mind was racing with possibilities but they flashed by him before he could process it, traded for the next like they were cancelling each other out.
"They're set on finding this person, then," Minsu concluded. "They're talking about someone that will arrive, not someone who has already joined."
The pressure on his chest lifted a little with one possibility eliminated.
His eyes darted to Airu, but they were still in their own head.
"If you look at it that way," Daphne spoke again. "I can't remember what they said about The One other than someone who will liberate us, and now we know that they're looking for a woman." When he looked at her, she had straightened her stance. "With the resources they have, they can get to her in no time."
"Which is why we need to be faster."
All eyes landed on him.
He looked at Minsu and shot a small smile. "I think I don't have to tell you what the next course of action is."
Minsu nodded and got up. "I'll get on it right away."
When he came back that following morning, he'd gotten his hands on a portrait. It was clear that it was all they had and on a continent as big as Talon, she could be anywhere. Minsu theorised that the possibility of her being in Qorath was slim, considering that there was little ground to cover for them here.
Chances of them ever reaching the Veiled Kingdom would mean that the collapse of Talon would follow quickly after. Nytheria was the thorn in everyone's eye, how he'd heard it being described. He'd never visited, but their history gave them all the right to act that way.
"I think I need to be in Thornmere," he finally said.
Minsu bobbed his head slowly. "Could be, but you're losing precious time if you're wrong."
"I'm actually pretty sure I need to be there." He nudged the younger. "I'll make up for lost time in the blink of an eye."
Minsu rolled his eyes, but a small smile tugged at his lips. "Go. There's no time to lose."
With the portrait in mind, he landed in the middle of a small town. The centre was swarming with people and there were overlapping yells coming from the distance. He stretched his neck as he moved along with the crowd, finding himself on a market.
All around him were vendors talking to the customers that were at their stands. He brushed past them, keeping his eyes on everything but the products. He'd spent hours wandering around the market, trying to find the person from the portrait that he memorised. The pressure in his chest was suffocting, but something told him that he came to the right place.
He left the market, following the road that brought him to the edge of town. There were a couple of houses, but the distance between them grew bigger with every house he passed. Kicking a pebble in the road, he felt his steps getting heavier.
Maybe he was just hoping too hard that he was right. That by sheer luck, he was in the right place at the right time and he could at least save the woman that they prophesized to be their saviour, compared to the many that were lost to the organisation.
He halted in his tracks when the door of the last house opened.
A woman walked out, her back faced towards him. A burgundy flowy dress hugged her plump figure, a corset accentuating her waist.
He looked the other way when she turned around and walked down the road. His eyes darted back up as she passed him and he offered a small smile. His heart stopped and he looked over his shoulder, but she picked up her pace.
He came to the right place after all.
“You cannot write this off as an accident, for it was a very deliberate move to make love to her.” You shook your head abruptly. "I will not involve myself in removing a human life, but if what your princess seeks is shelter..."
Vernon stared at you for a good second before his face flushed a furious state of red. “No. No! I have not–” His cheeks tinted a shade as red as your dress. “Gods, lady. What do you take me for? I am no animal!”
Blackspire's crown princess cleared her throat and you looked her way. Her cheeks were a light pink. "Vernon did not… um, insert himself. We are merely here for…" She paused and looked his way.
“A disguise,” Vernon added. “Your magic is strong enough to provide her with one.”
You arched an eyebrow and scoffed. “The princess didn’t even know your plan. I could be a spy for all she’d know, and believe me when I say that there are plenty.”
“This is important,” he insisted, your name rolling off his lips as a desperate plea. He was about to drop to his knees and beg at your feet if you didn’t know any better. “Will you help us or not?”
You eyes darted to the princess before landing on Vernon again. “You owe me. Again.” As you grabbed a book, you wandered to the kitchen. You had proved yourself on many occasions that your non-healing potions could be unreliable, but you weren't going to tell them that. Instead, you told them you were still improving.
It wasn't a complete lie, though.
As you rummaged through your cabinets for the right ingredients, their eyes burned into you. You swallowed and pushed the pressing feeling in your chest away.
Vernon came to you for a reason. It was dangerous and he knew the consequences of being seen with you, but no matter how much you tried to push him away, he always came back to you. You were almost tempted to call him a friend.
With a shaky breath, you closed your eyes and muttered the spell. The content of the pot glowed white and you sighed softly. As you poured it into a pot, you locked eyes with Vernon, who was watching you closely.
“This potion will wear off when you speak your real name out loud," you explained and gave the bottle to the princess. "Nobody will see your true form, except for Vernon. I made sure that he can see you at all times.”
She took it from you and glanced at Vernon. “If she tries to poison me, it’s on you.”
“I will take the fall, princess.” He bowed.
The look in her eyes made your chest sting.
You breathed a sigh of relief when the princess made way for a small, platinum blonde woman, eyes like the ocean peeking at you.
She smiled. "Thank you so much. I owe you."
You walked to your closet and reached for the back, pulling out a blue, purple and pink dress. You put them in a bag and gave it to her. "I don't wear them anymore, maybe it can help you."
The princess took it with a smile and nodded. "I won't forget your kindness."
You pressed your lips together and closed the door behind them.
Vernon was an idiot for seeking you out. He put the princess at risk — you didn't even want to know how or why the Blackspirian crown princess made it to Thornmere instead of sitting on the throne — and he risked his own life by associating himself with you.
You were not to be trusted. He knew that.
Over the following days, you stayed inside tending to your herbs. Your garden looked over the town's square, even though it was far away enough for people to keep their distance. Since they acted like you were a pest anyway, you didn't even bother to mingle with them. The only thing that kept you occupied was the market, where you bought vegetables, fruit and herbs every week.
When the day of the market came, you finally showed yourself.
You ripped your burgundy dress from the washing rack and covered it with a black corset. With your bag over your shoulder, you pulled the front door shut.
As you turned on your heel, a man was coming your way. Your heart stopped, but you pushed through the uncanny feeling crawling up your back. You walked in his direction, right past him like he didn't even exist to you. With calm strides, you made your way to the market.
You always lingered longer than needed, stopping by the stands that you had nothing to do with. You didn't do anything with wooden charms, but you admired the craftmanship that went into it.
Even though the vendors could not care for your opinion much, you still stopped to observe their goods.
As you made your way back, the man was gone. You breathed a sigh of relief and went back into the house, disappearing into the nothingness again.
You couldn't remember when everything shifted. When you were younger, you were surrounded by life. Your mother was the life of the party, your father a silent admirer of her spirit. Both had known the powers that you'd inherited and they taught you to embrace them, but they'd never prepared you for how the town would respond.
When they started to manifest, the people around you grew increasingly scared of what you'd be able to do one day. What your parents described as a blessing throughout your entire life had become your biggest burden.
And unfortunately, you couldn't stop them.
As you put the last of your vegetables on the fire, there was a knock on the door.
Your heart hammered in your chest as you hoisted yourself up. You tiptoed to the door and took a deep breath. Your hand trembled when you put it on the handle, pushing the handle down and peeking your head around the corner.
The man smiled at you, his black hair framing his face in silk curtains. His arms were crossed behind his back and his voice was soft and welcoming when he spoke.
"Am I interrupting anything?"
You swallowed and slowly shook your head.
His smile grew. "Glad to hear. My name's Joshua and I come here with a very urgent request."
"Whatever you heard, I can't help you," you said tightly and pushed against the door. "Good day."
"Your life's in danger." When your eyes fell on Joshua, his smile had faded. "I need you to come with me."
As you arched an eyebrow, you leaned against the door.
"I know you possess great powers," he continued and uncrossed his arms. "There's people out there that want to use them to their advantage, which is why I've come here to—"
You slammed the door shut and walked back to the kitchen. You stomped on the floor, boots clicking against the woodboard.
Joshua pounded on the door, but you ignored it, stirring the vegetables around in the pot. You added some water and let it sit, seating yourself in the chair with your spellbook.
Something that made creepy strangers go away, or turn them into hideous bugs perhaps.
When you were eating your homemade soup, there was another knock on the door. You didn't care how long he would stand there, he could wait for years and you wouldn't pay him any mind. It made you shiver that he knew about you.
The next day as you carefully peeked around the corner, he wasn't there anymore. You kept checking for every day after that until you were sure that he was gone. You tended to your garden, practiced your magic and reogarnised your cupboards.
You couldn't imagine what scared people off. Your magic was nature based, specifically focused on healing and using the earth to do so. Your parents called it elemental magic, and there were only a few people that were strong enough to wield all four elements; earth, water, fire and air. Your mother was one of them, loud and proud and fearless like she'd always been.
Your father was forced to bind his powers when they came after him. A pit formed in your stomach just thinking about it. You hadn't seen him using his magic since you were eleven.
Your parents were thoroughly convinced that you could do it too. The powers had never truly manifested with you and you were left with earth as your element. Grounding, stable and nourishing, that was your destiny in life.
Nothing more and nothing less.
You'd hoped that your parents were right. The elements, the world around you, it had always rumbled a fascination that you could not shake. You felt yourself drawn to the rain pouring out of the sky, to the fire crackling in your hearth, even by the way the wind blew through your hair. Whenever you flicked your fingers, it seemed to dance along with you, but you never followed through with trying again.
Instead, you found great satisfaction in helping others. Healing was something that had always come naturally to you, in any shape or form in fact. When your mother was upset over something, your remedy never failed to work. You credited your importance in her life, but she'd always told you it was something more.
A tear escaped your eye as you sat in the garden, the warm breeze dancing on your skin. Leaving your parents had left a gaping wound that would never mend. You didn't want to. Gods, it was the last thing that you wanted, but your parents needed to know you were safe.
You hadn't heard from them since your mother's last letter before winter came. Countless letters had gone unanswered since then, so you assumed the worst.
The next morning, you decided that the market would do you good. You never went so early in the morning, but you needed to clear your head. With the new stranger in town that seemed to have it out for you, you doubt you could.
There was no harm in trying, you assumed as you opened the door.
Joshua smiled up at you when you stepped outside.
You yelped and clutched your chest. "What—"
"Good morning," he greeted you and got up, brushing his pants off that was clinging to his slender legs loosely. "My apologies for startling you a couple of days ago, but I really need to talk to you."
You scoffed and clutched your bag, stepping on the gravel path. "No, thank you."
"I'm afraid this does not leave much room for choice."
You started walking down the road. There were crunching steps behind you that made your ribcage burn. With a deep breath and a roll of your eyes, you pretended he did not exist. Maybe by closing your eyes and making your wish, you would discover a new power that would make him fuck right off.
"Listen, I know you don't want to hear me out," he started.
With a scoff, you turned onto the market.
He called your name and from the corner of your eye, you saw him reaching for you. You turned around and held your hand out, but he already retreated his arm.
Joshua pushed his brows together before his face relaxed again. He shook his head with a small smile. "I didn't know you could do that."
"I did nothing," you said tightly and grabbed a bag of herbs. You slammed the coins on the table before he could insist otherwise and walked to the next stand.
"I know this must be scary, but at least hear me out," he spoke again, following you on foot. "I have everything to lose and nothing to gain by doing this, I can assure you that."
You shrugged before you turned to him with a smile. "Maybe you risked everything for nothing, then. I'm not interested in whatever you have to say."
Before Joshua could try to change your mind, you walked off. A vendor talked about you, but you tuned it out. Joshua tried once more when you ran into him at the vegetable stand and that was where you left him.
Something inside of you clawed at you when you did. Maybe Joshua was acting out of the best intentions and there you were, writing him off like you'd done with everyone else. He seemed genuine, he kept trying and he looked like he was incapable of losing his temper, unlike what you had almost done.
There was a pit forming in your stomach nonetheless. He might be preaching how he could save your life, but maybe his soft eyes, pretty smile and honey voice would lure you right into the danger he was trying to warn you about.
You pushed the feeling away and barricaded yourself into your home. You watched the clock while biting your fingernails until it stung. The wind blew a fresh breeze through your garden, but with every hour passing it seemed to grow stronger. The hearth was nearly in flames by the time you got to dinner, as if it was too strong to contain itself.
When you looked out of the window, it was pouring. The ground underneath you rumbled, buzzing through your body.
The knock on the door made you jump. A strike of thunder followed, then a muffled voice, but it drowned out by the rain tapping against your window.
You opened the door and your breath caught.
Water dripped from Joshua's hair and nose, his clothes stuck to his body. "They predicted nice weather today," he teased lightly.
"They had it wrong, then." You were about to close the door, but he grabbed it. With a sharp inhale you turned away, your heart hammering on the beat of every step you took inside.
Joshua followed you, but when you turned around, he froze in his tracks. His neck twitched and the smile on his face seemed to cost him more effort than usual.
You arched your eyebrow. "Well?"
He opened his mouth, but it was nothing more than a breathless whisper.
You scoffed and turned away from him.
"Please…" he said hoarsely, almost inaudibly. "let… me… go…"
You froze, flinching when there was a loud thud behind you. You let out a shaky breath and closed your eyes. Tears stung behind them, desperately clawing their way out as you tried to collect yourself.
Joshua coughed loudly, and when you turned around he was crawling up from the floor.
You hurried over to him and helped him up, putting him down on your couch. You avoided his curious looks and swallowed. "Let me make you some tea."
Without room for Joshua to protest, you put the kettle on the fire. You mixed chamomille with tumeric and muttered to the cup, watching it light up. You walked back with the cup of tea and gave it to him. "Drink up. It'll help with soreness."
He offered you a warm smile and wrapped his hands around it. "Thank you."
You brushed the folds of your dress and sat down next to him.
"You have elemental magic, don't you?"
You looked up at him curiously.
He set the cup in the palm of his hand and within seconds, it started floating. The tea stayed in the cup perfectly and when it came back down, he took a sip.
You watched in awe. "You're…"
Joshua smiled again. "I recognise your struggles, and it pains me to see how isolated you are. Not only do I want to get you to safety, but I want to give you the chance to be among your own people."
You swallowed. "What's the danger?"
"Have you ever heard of the Coven of the Silver Star?"
The name sounded familiar, you just couldn't place the feeling settling in your chest. You shook your head and shifted in your seat.
"They're based in Qorath, and they're under protection of the Royal Family," Joshua started and took a sip of tea. "As the name suggests, it's a group of witches just like us. They promote themselves as the place for us, to teach and guide us through our powers, to give us a sense of community."
His brows knitted together, his lips pressed into a thin line.
"You…" You cleared you throat. "…don't look like you're going to say something nice about them."
"I have reason to believe that they're not a coven at all, and when we received a message through one of our spies, I knew that I was right all those years, and that all the efforts I've been making haven't been in vain."
"What do you think they are, if not a coven?"
Joshua put the empty cup down.
You awaited an answer that didn't seem to come. You pressed him again, but he wouldn't budge.
"They believe in the legend of 'The One', their saviour and their salvation," he continued, leaning back in his seat. "Before I came here, we found out who that person is."
Your stomach turned.
Joshua offered you an apologetic smile. "I would never dare to disrupt your life as it is, but for your own safety…"
"You are very kind to say that, but I think you and I both know that coming with you is better than the life I'm leading right now," you replied tightly. You chuckled bitterly. "Everything's better than this, even if that Silver Star club would get a hold of me."
"That's exactly what they pry on, which is why we wasted no time to get to you first." Joshua got up and looked at you. "You can pack some belongings, if you'd like. Travels are not long so you have time to process all of this."
You cocked an eyebrow, but all he did was smile. You bobbed your head and walked to your bedroom, hoarding all the dresses and corsets that you could find. You packed your herbs and potions. Your fingers trembled as they laced in between the fabric of your mother's scarf, stuffing it in your bag.
When you looked at your garden, you could feel yourself shattering.
"There's a chance to grow some where we are," Joshua sounded behind you. "We can use them."
You nodded and hung your bag over your shoulder.
He held his arm out and you took it. "Ready?"
"Yeah, let's just go before I change my mind."
It didn't last more than a second before your living room switched out for an office.
Joshua let go of you and leaned against the desk, a wood so dark it was almost black. It was completely smooth, unlike the furniture in your house. You looked around and through the big windows, you looked out over a forest, trees perfectly aligned.
A pit formed in your stomach. Even if you wanted to, there was no turning back anymore.
Joshua had let you settle in for the week, assigning you to a room where you could stay for the night. Because you couldn't sleep, you'd taken yourself out for a tour and the next moment you had with Joshua, you trailed after him bobbing your head along to his explanation.
He showed you the personal quarters — you could pinpoint the hallway where you got lost on multiple occasions — introduced you to some of the residents and made sure you knew where the living quarters were. It was complete with a kitchen and a space to lay down and unwind, as if you'd stepped into a big inn instead.
Joshua took you to the gardens, where someone was bowed over the herbs and plants. He turned to you. "If you need anything, you can just grab it from here. We all share this space, despite having little healers amongst us."
You nodded and folded your hands over each other.
He motioned his head to the door and smiled. "Let me introduce you to some more members of our network."
Despite the eerie feeling settling in your chest, you followed him. Back through the hallways, but you took a left instead, back to the office you arrived in the day before.
Instead, Joshua opened another door. When he stepped in, three people turned around.
Your eyes immediately fell on a woman with eyes as blue as the Thornmere sky, her dark auburn hair in a thick braid down her back. She offered you a warm smile before she turned to Joshua.
"You managed to locate her," she spoke so soothingly, you feel your worries drifting away. "Well done, Joshua."
"Without your help, I wouldn't have been able to." Joshua's eyes darted to the man next to her. He bowed his head, which the man returned.
His gaze landed on you, but he looked away when you locked eyes.
"Welcome to the hideout," the last one spoke. When you turned to them, they wore a bright grin, strands of red and black hair falling in front of their face. "We'll take good care of you, don't you worry."
"Daphne, Minsu and Airu are my closest confidants," Joshua explained. He puffed his chest out a bit and there was a twinkle in his eyes you couldn't place. "Without them, I couldn't have done any of this."
"What exactly is 'this?'" You asked.
From the corner of your eye, Daphne shot him a glare.
"I couldn't exactly tell her that out in the open," Joshua said calmly. "You don't know what ears were listening."
Airu waved their hand. "Before you start arguing like divorced parents again," they cut in and turned to you, "we're spies. And witches. Spy witches. Spit—"
"We run an underground network that is set to dismantle the Silver Star," Minsu interrupted them and offered you a small smile. "And what Airu said is correct. We're all witches." He patted their shoulder. "Fire magic. You'll notice that it's very fitting for their personality."
"I'm a water witch," Daphne spoke up. "I recently found out I can heal with it."
You smiled and nodded.
She returned it warmly and glanced at her friends.
Airu slapped Minsu's back, who shot them glance. "Necromancer."
"So you can…" You made a kill motion.
Minsu chuckled softly. "My magic involves the usage of the death, through corpses and spirits."
You turned to Joshua, who was smiling.
"I hope you'll feel at home here." He pushed himself up and waved his hand. "We'll leave you to it. Let me know if you find something."
Airu saluted him, but Minsu pulled them back into work. They winked at you, to which you chuckled.
You followed Joshua to his office and stood in front of his window. You felt yourself drawn back to the forest, observing how the tree tops blew in the wind, how the leaves clung unto their branches as if it was nothing. You watched how all of them moved in the same rhythm like it was rehearsed.
You looked at your own hands before tucking them underneath your arms.
"A little too perfect, aren't they?" Joshua stood next to you. "Qorath has never been so keen of mistakes, and its scenery reflects that sentiment."
You hummed. "There is no way in which all those trees can be so perfectly aligned. And the way they're moving, it's unnatural and so…synced? Like they're just a replica of each other."
"You'll come to find that Qorath is unusually perfect." He pointed at the end of the forest, where the trees started thinning out. Right at the top was a tree that moved along with the wind. Not just the tip, not the leaves trying to stick to the branches, it moved with its entire being, unafraid to make the leaves dance in the breezes. "You just have to look for weak points."
You peeled away from the window and cleared your throat.
Joshua turned around to sit in the windowstill. "I want to formally apologise to you, about how I came to your doorstep unannounced."
"And for not leaving me alone," you added.
He rubbed his neck, his cheeks flushing a light pink. "And that, yes. It was very improper of me."
"A bit, yeah." You balanced on the back of your feet. "So, what will happen now that I'm here? You seem to run a very oiled machine in here."
Joshua chewed his lip. "You're at risk if we put you out there. I'm afraid the best I can do for you right now is giving you shelter and protection."
You swallowed the lump in your throat. With a tight smile, you excused yourself and stepped away from him. "I'll be in my quarters if you need me."
"Maybe you can join us for dinner tonight," Joshua suggested. "I'm sure they won't mind."
"I'll think about it." You offered a nod and turned on your heel. "Thank you for the invite, nonetheless."
"Always."
You made your way to the quarters and closed the door behind you. It was small, but it had everything you need: a bed, a desk, even a small closet to store your belongings.
On the desk was a small pile of papers and a quill, but the time when you touched it, you couldn't bring yourself to put the words onto the paper.
You kept looking at it, until the nagging feeling suffocated you. You turned away from it and laid down on the bed, swallowing the tears that had traveled with you since you left your own home.
If it could even be called home.
Your real home was like stepping into a comforting hug. You could remember your parents gushing over the powers you would possess when you were four years of age, but despite the burdens they placed on themselves, you could only feel the warmth spread through your chest. They never failed to make you feel heard and seen, even if your powers would never manifest at all.
They did when you were seven, right around the time most of the powers would completely manifest. In one of the coldest winters you remembered, without much thought, you had made the flowers in your garden bloom. It'd become evident to you and your parents that you had inherited your mother's powers.
Your real home was in the north of Thornmere, right at the border with Nytheria. You'd always been able to look over the mountains in the safety of your cabin, wondering how they got so high. You imagined yourself being on top of the mountain when you closed your eyes at night. One day, you would be so high up, too.
Childlike wonder, your mother had called it. In truth, that fascination had never left you after all those years. You often thought of that mountain and everything that went on behind it, even though you'd never seen it before. One day, you hoped you would.
When you walked into the kitchen, the four had already gathered around the table.
Daphne was the first to notice you and offered you a warm smile. "Please, join us. Dinner's just ready."
You inhaled the scent of a broth and hummed. "It smells nice."
"Joshua's specialty."
You glanced at the man, who'd replaced his black suit with the white collar with a loose blouse and a wide linen pants. His hair was fluffy, as if he'd just washed it, compared to how composed he normally wore it. Nothing about Joshua in that moment screamed that he was planning on getting back to work anytime soon.
"I'm glad you're joining," he said with a smile. He waved his hand before pouring another bowl. "I made enough for all of us."
"Such a mum," Airu teased.
You sat down next to them and their bowl was in front of your nose.
Their smile was small, but genuine. "Rookies first."
You nodded and pulled it towards you, letting the smell engulf you. Dinner was silent on your part. The most you'd done was answer questions that they fired your way, but most of their conversations were about their days, about things they heard and saw.
Work was off the table.
Daphne excused herself when she was done and dusted her flowy dress off. "I have to get some medicine to the children's wing. There's a bad flu again."
You wiped your hands on the napkin and got up. "Let me take care of it."
She offered you a small smile. "There's no need, love. Make sure you're settled in first." She turned on her heel and walked towards the door.
"I'm a healer."
Daphne's hand was on the doorhandle, but it stayed there. She looked over her shoulder and nodded. "Alright then. Follow me."
You excused yourself with a bow and followed her out. "Let us stop by my quarters first. I brought some potions and herbs."
"You possess powers of the earth," she concluded, to which you nodded. She smiled. "It suits you."
You nodded at her and grabbed your bag. As you fell into step with her, you spotted a tattoo of a star in her neck. As you opened your mouth, you were interrupted by a loud scream.
Daphne ran towards the wing and you had no choice but to follow her. She pushed through the doors and froze.
A handful of children, you guessed them no older than ten, were gathered around a bed. You could easily look over them to see a boy, lips almost as blue as ice. His forehead was covered in sweat.
You glanced at Daphne, whose eyes glimmered. As you put a hand on her shoulder, they shot to you like a deer in headlights. "Get the kids away from the bed, okay? I'll see what I can do."
She nodded and walked over to them, putting on a smile and leading them away to a couple of beds away.
You put your bag down by your feet and sat on the edge. When you felt his forehead, he was burning up. Your fingers pressed against the pulse in his neck, but it was barely there.
"Hey," you called out softly. "I'm here to help you."
The boy opened his eyes slowly.
You rummaged in your bag and grabbed a small bottle of light brown liquid. Your trembling hands wrapped around it and the bottle lit up. "I need you to take this for me, okay?" You helped the boy up and took the cork off. "Can you open your mouth for me?"
His jaw unclenched and you poured it in gently, pushing his jaw back shut. He winced, but you told him to swallow. He retched.
"I know, it's very bitter, but you will feel a lot better in the morning." You put the empty bottle back in the bag and caressed his cheek. "Get some sleep. Daphne and I will make sure the other kids know you're okay."
"Thank you," he croaked, his voice a bare whisper. Within seconds, he'd drifted off to sleep.
You looked at Daphne, who had a small boy in her lap. "He'll be okay."
She smiled and nodded. "Thank you."
You walked over to her and the kids and sat down next to her. "He had a very bad flu, but he will feel much better in the morning."
"The kids are still a little shaken," Daphne told you. "We should stay here until they're calmed down."
Your heart jumped when your hand suddenly touched a soft skin. You looked down and a girl traced the folds of your dress. You guessed her around six years old, long black hair in a high ponytail. Her big eyes — still wet from tears — twinkled when they locked with yours.
"You have a pretty dress," she said softly.
"Thank you." You offered her a smile. "I like yours, too."
She returned it shyly and let go of you, sniffling softly.
"Would you like a hug, love?"
She nodded and laid her head in your lap. You picked her up instead and let her press up against you, nuzzling her face in the crook of your neck. You rocked her from left to right gently and hummed. "Don't say no to the sad feelings, dear. They'll only come back stronger."
"I was very scared," she muttered.
"And you have all the right to be sad about that. It was very scary to see." You wiped her tears away as she looked at you. "How are you feeling right now?"
"Better." She smiled weakly. "I'm Yui, what's your name?"
You told her your name and she pressed herself against you again, muttering it back to you.
"Let's get you to bed," Daphne announced. "We'll come to check on you in the morning."
Yui climbed off your lap and shot you one last smile, and a sense of familiarity settled in your chest.
You returned the smile. "Goodnight, Yui."
She ran back to her own bed while you grabbed your bag from the floor, following Daphne out of the wing.
"I didn't know you housed so many children," you said.
"They're mostly saved from parents in Silver Star, or here with older siblings," Daphne explained. "It's not ideal and my heart breaks for them, but Gods know where else they would end up if we didn't take them in."
You hummed and crossed your arms.
"Let's join the others for a drink." She pushed through the doors of the living quarters. "I'm sure we can both use it."
You followed her regardless of your appetite. The room was dimly lit, but you recognised the silhouette of Joshua sitting by the window, a glass in his hand. When you shut the door, he whipped his head around.
"The kids are okay," Daphne told him. She tilted her head slightly. "Are you?"
"I'm fine, Daphne. Thank you." A small smile decorated his face and he put the glass down. "Did something happen? You look… troubled."
She opened her mouth, her eyes darting to you.
"One of the kids laid in bed with cold sweat and blue lips," you answered and folded your hands. "They were a little shaken up by it, but they're okay now. Back to sleep, I assume."
Joshua nodded. "Did you give him anything?"
"One of my potions." You waved your hand. "I use it against the flu all the time and it works like a miracle," you added quickly.
"And the kids love her already," Daphne said. When you looked her way, she grinned.
His smile grew. "Don't be afraid to help them more often, if they need you."
You nodded and motioned to his drink. "What are you having?"
"Homemade elderflower liquor."
"I'll have that, too."
Joshua nodded and got up from the chair. He told Daphne to sit down and poured two glasses. He held them out to both of you and grabbed his own. "Here's to a new chapter for Vault Nine."
You all raised your glasses and as you took a sip, you enjoyed the alcohol burning your throat. You couldn't remember when you dipped out, just that you wanted to look presentable the next morning. Your head pounded lightly as you hoisted yourself in a white blouse and black pants. You accentuated your waist with a black corset and did your hair the usual way.
And a potion or good measure.
As you were on your way to the children's wing, you heard footsteps behind you. You looked over your shoulder and smiled. "Good morning."
Joshua fell into step with you, his attire back to its usual black suit with the white collar. "Good morning, how are you feeling?"
You held up a potion bottle. "Good."
"So that means you were feeling bad before." He nudged you with a grin. "Isn't that considered bending the rules?"
"If I'm able to, why wouldn't I?"
Joshua chuckled. "Very good point." He opened the doors to the children's wing, pressing himself against the door. "After you."
You smiled and walked in, looking around the dormitory. The kids were already up, running around and laughing or they were on the beds talking to each other. Your eyes fell on the sick boy, who halted in his tracks when he saw you.
He offered you a bright smile before one of the other boys tapped him. He shouted and turned around to chase him.
Your name was called and you whipped your head.
Yui skipped over to you, her cheeks flushed red and her chest rising and falling heavily. "You made Vince better!"
You smiled. "I did."
Before she could open her mouth, Vince jogged up to her. His eyes fell on you and darted to Joshua before he looked back at you.
"You look like Yin and Yang," he pointed out.
Yui gasped. "Oh! She's Yin!" She pointed at Joshua frantically. "And Shua's Yang!"
You looked back at Joshua, who was smiling.
"I guess we do," he said and ruffled the boy's hair. "I'm glad to see you out of bed."
"The potion was gross, but it worked." Vince turned to you and smiled. "Thank you."
You returned it with a nod and watched how he walked off with Yui on his trail.
"So, Yin,"
You deadpanned Joshua, but the smile on your face was undeniable. "Yes, Yang?"
He chuckled and gave you a playful push. "I think Daphne was right when she said the kids love you."
"I think love is a strong word for someone they met last night," you countered and walked out of the dormitory. "They take a liking, that is all."
"All of us do."
You froze, and when you looked over your shoulder, he didn't even seem remotely remorseful. With a hard swallow, you walked out of the children's wing but his words stayed with you, no matter how hard you tried to shake them off.
After Daphne had practically disappeared for the day, you assumed she was busy. When she didn't show up for dinner and the frown etched into Airu and Minsu's faces, you took matters into your own hands.
You went into the garden for fresh herbs and took them back with you, combining them with the herbs from your own collection. As you knocked on Daphne's door, you heard shuffling on the other side of the door.
When you called out to her, it stopped.
Daphne opened the door and it was like a burden lifted off her shoulders. She smiled weakly and stepped aside. "Is there something you need?"
"I was hoping for the other way around, actually," you admitted with a small smile. "I haven't seen you today, so I came to see if you were alright."
She swallowed and shut the door. "Yeah, I'm fine." Upon the silence, she shuffled around.
"Can I interest you in herbal therapy?" You held the branches up. "It'll calm the mind, relieve your worries a little."
Daphne observed them closely before nodding slowly.
You sat down on the ground and patted the soft carpet. You muttered to yourself and a bowl appeared in your hand, which you put the herbs in. Your fingers brushed them gently when you let them go. Before you could even ask for a lighter, there was a flame.
You exchanged a glance with the older woman.
"You don't have to tell my anything, but you can if you wish to," you said instead. "All you have to do for me is close your eyes and focus on yourself. Let the scents guide you."
Daphne winced. "Gods, they are strong."
You chuckled. "You'll get used to it."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Would you like to talk about what's on your mind?"
"I feel guilty for freezing up on you last night," she answered softly. "I just… I don't know what came over me, but something transported me back to…" She paused and you could hear her breath catch. "I escaped the Silver Star about a year ago, and it still haunts me. The scared looks on their faces, the way they were are circled around Vince, it was like I was there again."
You rested your hands in your laps. "Did it resemble something you experienced in Silver Star?"
"It was like a ritual, something they do when they let go of members they do not deem worthy anymore." Daphne rolled her shoulders back and shuffled in her seat. "Everyone's there to watch, like it's a warning to everybody what happens if you step out of line, or if you don't follow the rules."
"And the way the kids stood around Vince…"
"Gods… I could only think about what I saw in there."
You told her to take a deep breath. "You're doing well, Daphne. Would you like to continue?"
She opened her eyes and a tear escaped. "They're dangerous, love. If Joshua tells you to stay low, follow his advice. We have no idea what they want to do with you."
You swallowed and nodded. "Okay, I will."
Daphne sniffled and smiled at you. "You're a good one. It would be a shame if someone like you got wrapped up in such a twisted environment."
"What exactly drew you in?" You asked.
"Where I lived, magic was a curse." She shrugged lightly. "I was not welcome in my village, and at one point my parents wanted to bind my powers. At least I could live a normal life, but I chose to ignore their wishes. I didn't want to be hidden… or… or be ashamed of who I was."
Daphne smiled through her tears. "Wouldn't you have done the same? If they came at your doorstep, telling you that your own people were waiting for you to join them?"
You swallowed, looking the other way.
"We can't blame the people for believing it. They pry on the vulnerable and lonely like that."
"If you weren't first…" You sighed and rested your chin on your knee, your eyes darting at the older woman.
She nodded in understanding before scooting over to you. "Thank you for the herbs. I feel better."
"You can ask if you need it another time." You dimmed the flame and got up. "Take your rest, alright? We'll see each other in the morning."
Daphne had returned to her usual duties after breakfast. It had been just you, her and Airu, Joshua too busy to join and Minsu nowhere in sight.
You joined Airu in their office and closed the door. "You wanted to speak to me."
"I need you to understand the gravity of your presence," they said, their voice rid of its usual playfulness. "If they can't find you, and they won't, they know that someone is working against them. They already have their suspicions of the local government, but we're completely independent from them."
You nodded. "I see."
Airu leaned over the desk. "The Silver Star is not just a simple villain in this chapter of our lands," they continued, their sharp eyes gazing at you like a hunter and its prey. "Their goal is much bigger than us witches. If anything, we're simply pawns in their game. You, however," their finger nearly poked your chest, "are their Queen. That was how it was prophesized. And if you're familiar with that branch of magic, you know the dangers of relying on divination."
"It's merely a fraction of the future," you said. "Whatever prophecy they might have seen, it will be only a moment that can still move in a thousand different directions."
They flashed a grin at you. "You know your magic, rookie."
"My father used divination until he bound his powers," you said. "He taught me everything I needed to know."
There was a sliver of recognition in Airu's eyes. "The Silver Star won't rest until their prophecy will be fulfilled."
You stood straight with a single nod. "So tell me what I should know about them."
"They're based here, in Qorath." They waved their hand to the map on the wall. "They reside where the Royal Family does, although we have reason to assume that it's actually the Silver Star. We just lack the evidence."
You observed the map, where the spot was marked with a star. "So they're pulling some strings to appear separate from the royals."
"Probably, yeah." Airu stood next to you and pointed at the castle. "Our theory is that they're puppeteering a fake King and Queen. The real Royal Family has been wiped out when Silver Star seized power and since then, they pretend that the land is ruled by a King and Queen while in reality, it's them."
You bobbed your head and looked at them. "Are you from here?"
"Born and raised." They nodded. "I've seen it all. They are too…"
"Perfect."
Airu looked at you in surprise. "Yeah, actually. It has always rubbed me the wrong way."
You hummed and stepped away from the map. "Do you have any information on what goes on inside?"
"Aside from the royals, they have a council," they told you. "Five high ranking members of Silver Star, each powerful witches. A lot of them are in the dark arts, but there's also an elemental witch. We're still trying to figure out what she can do."
Airu sat down at their desk. "They are like the leaders, but they all take advicd from who they call 'The One'. It's like an entirely new religion was created, apart from the Gods we already answer to."
"And that is me." You shuddered when they nodded. "I don't even know what they see in me, but the thought that I'm that worshipped irks me."
"Us all." They trapped you under their gaze, as if you were going to be killed for moving even a muscle. "They're launching an attack on Blackspire soon, when 'The One' has finally joined their side. The moment that happens according to them is three weeks from now."
"The attack?"
Airu nodded. "That means they're actively searching for you. We have to be wary."
"If it's not a coven," you wondered out loud, your eyes darting at them, "what is the Silver Star?"
"A cult." Their fist was clenched to the point their knuckles were white. "They take everything they can touch and rip it apart, families and lives alike. If I don't live to watch them burn, then this was all for nothing."
The conversation with Airu had stuck with you all the way through dinner. Minsu was still absent and by the way Daphne, Airu or Joshua didn't even remotely bat an eye, it was a common occurrence.
You were already seated when Daphne put the meat on the table. The other witches had joined, but everyone had split off into their own little groups.
Joshua was munching on a piece of meat when you turned to him.
"Where is Minsu?"
"Spying," he answered.
You raised your eyebrows. "He's inside?"
"How else do you think we get our information?" Airu grinned at you. "We can't call ourselves a spy network if we don't spy on them."
"And you all keep preaching to me how dangerous they are," you mumbled and stirred the vegetables.
The table fell silent, but you ignored it and ate your plate clean. All of them had looked at you funny at least once without reciprocation.
You opted for some time alone after dinner and sat behind your desk. The quill felt familiar in your hand, the branch smooth and comfortable to hold. You dipped it in the ink and put it to the paper.
Wherever you are, no matter the distance between us, I think of you every day. If you are able to, please give me a sign that you are safe. It has been a while since I heard from you.
Much love,
Your beloved daughter.
You put the quill down and stared at the words on the paper, drying up right in front of you. You grabbed the scarf from your bag and inhaled the scent, which was merely an afterthought since the last time your mother wore it.
You tore the paper, folded the letter together and placed it on the scarf. There was such a pressure heaving on your chest that it was easy to bleed your sorrows onto the paper. You wanted to tell your parents everything; from Joshua who stood on your doorstep to the network that was working against a cult.
The thought made the adrenaline pump through your veins and sent chills down your spine all at once. If your parents were that sought-after — there was no other reason why your father would take such drastic measures — there was no doubt in your mind that they knew as well.
You opened the letter and grabbed the quill again before you folded it back together. As you muttered the words, the letter lit up and before it disappeared with the blink of an eye, like it was sucked into a completely different dimension.
The herbs in your closet were rearranged as you went over everything you learned so far. It was a cult, based in Argentum. They resided with the Royal Family, or were the Royal Family, if you were to believe Airu. There was a council of five witches, but they all answered to a deity called 'The One'. But the deity was real. In fact, it was going to be you, according to their prophecy.
You slammed your closet shut and made your way to Joshua's office. No answer came when you knocked on the door and the door was locked. His quarters were your next stop, but he wasn't there either. When you arrived at the living quarters, the silence was welcoming and comforting. It was later in the evening, most of them would be asleep or in their own quarters.
Joshua was in his chair with the homemade liquor, the glass against his lips when you walked in. He downed the content in one go.
Watching him swallow, the way he was slouched in his seat with his legs spread and his sleeves rolled up, it made your breath catch.
You waved your hand. "Do you…"
He shot up and shook his head. "No, not at all."
You sat down across from him and placed your hands in your lap. You tilted your head and scanned every inch of his face, the way his lips were pressed together and his eyebrows hung low over his eyes. They were sunken, and drained.
The dim light that hit his face made him light up nonetheless.
"Are you alright?" You asked.
Joshua smiled softly. "You don't need to worry about me. I'm okay."
Against your instincts, you let the conversation dry out and looked out of the window. Even in the darkness, the trees danced in their perfect rhythm. You hummed. "Are you from Qorath?"
"Blackspire," Joshua answered. "I came here for the same organisation I'm now trying to dismantle."
You turned your head.
"Something didn't sit right with me so I backed out, and I quickly learned that it was the right decision." He pulled the cork out of the bottle and poured himself another glass. He held the bottle out to you, but you shook your head.
"How long have you been doing this?"
"Seven years now, I think." He stirred the glass. "It didn't start out this way, but I'm happy to be doing this for other people as well."
"A lot of our decisions don't end up how we made them."
Joshua leaned back in his seat, his fingers gripping the top of his glass as his arm hung over the edge.
You shuffled in your seat and cleared your throat. "I don't mean to pry…"
A small smile tugged at his lips and he closed his eyes. "I can assure you that I feel fine," he raised his head, "but if you have something on your mind?"
You shrugged and leaned on your thighs.
Joshua nodded and looked out of the window.
"Can you remember what your life was like before all of this?"
He turned his head back to you, his eyes scanning you curiously.
"Before I moved into that small cabin where you found me, I had a completely different life." Your gaze flicked to him and you saw him swallow. "It starts fading away from me the more time I spend away from it."
He nodded slowly, almost like he was afraid to say something else. He took a huge swig and let the glass rest in his hand.
You moved closer until your fingers brushed the back of his hand. "I have been here for a week, almost two, and I have learned nothing about you other than that you're the boss and you like to drink elderflower liquor late at night on your own." You offered him a small smile. "I know we started on the wrong foot and my behaviour has been hostile towards you, but I promise, I want to know more about you. You brought me here to safety after all."
You nudged him. "And I just learned you're from Blackspire."
Joshua looked away from you and chewed his lip. "I just…" He shook his head. "I don't really like to talk about it. It hasn't been serving me any good since I came here, reminiscing on the past."
"Yet, something has been troubling you about it."
"You're very good at this."
"I have my experience."
He stared ahead of him and rubbed his chin. "I was born in Blackspire, but nothing special. Just a witch disguised as a merchant, traveling around the lands to sell his goods at the markets, which were homegrown vegetables and fruit. The money was scarce, but we had enough for our necessities."
"Was it just you and your parents?" You asked. You watched how he exhaled shakily, followed by a weak shake of his head.
"An older brother."
You offered a weak smile.
"Our powers were different," Joshua continued, but his voice trembled. "I inherited mine from my mother, but my brother… he's just like you. Nature was his biggest source of inner peace, while I went out and about, often landing myself in situations that he would get me out of."
He chuckled softly. "One time, I got myself to the other side of the lands and just by the vibrations of the earth, he managed to locate me and got me back."
You tilted your head. "Is that how you were able to find me so quickly?" You stifled a laugh. "We got back here like time hadn't even passed."
"It barely had." Joshua inhaled sharply. "But I don't like to use it anymore. Not when I don't have to."
"Thank you for using it for me."
"I couldn't put an innocent life on the line." He shrugged and down the last bit of his drink. "I hope you got what you hoped for."
Before you could even utter a word, he got up and snatched his glass from the table. You got up as well, but Joshua left the living quarters without looking back.
His eyes widened in surprise when you stood in his office the following morning. He quickly closed the file on his desk and got up. "Good morning."
You had your arms crossed, trapping him under your gaze.
Joshua stepped away from his desk. "Before you say anything—"
"I'm not here to lash out at you," you interrupted him and leaned against the doorframe. "It was somewhat improper to leave without another word, but you must have your reasons for leaving so urgently that — despite my curious nature — I will not ask for."
Joshua bowed his head. "That is much appreciated, thank you."
"I am here, however," you stepped in, "to talk business."
He waved his hand.
"I can be of value to your cause."
"I'm very sure of that as well, which is why I won't put you right into the crossfire," he explained, the gentleness of his words crawling into your head like a soothing lullaby. "You have to understand that they have eyes and ears everywhere, and they know more about you than they let on. We have to be careful."
You pressed your lips in a tight smile. "Joshua, I am well aware that I'm at risk, but I'm still well in my right to decide to which extent I want my involvement to go and I'm telling you right now," you stepped up to him and looked him right in the eyes, "you're wasting resources by trying to shield me."
Joshua swallowed, his breath catching. "I don't want anything to happen to you while you're under my care."
"I can still care for myself, thank you."
His eyes clouded over, your name rolling off his lips in a way that sent chills down your spine. "I've spent the past seven years trying to dismantle them and you cannot begin to imagine how many people I've watched losing themselves to their message, or who got discovered and never returned. I cannot forgive myself if the same would happen to you."
You stepped closer until there was no distance left. "I will not let my abilities go to waste because you are too scared. I don't care if you send me out into the field or you'll give me something here. You will give me a task to fulfill so the Silver Star will burn. Once and for all."
Joshua stared at you. It was impossible to make out whether he was going to wrap his hands around your throat and squeeze or he was remarkably impressed by your sudden lack of care. One way or the other, the way his eyes burned into you, made you shudder.
He crinkled his nose and stepped back. "Alright, then. You'll work under me."
You deadpanned him. "Seriously?"
"You want to see them burn, I'm giving you the opportunity to do so." He held his hand out, and your eyes locked in a challenge. "Do we have an arrangement?"
You wanted action, you wanted to be in the crossfire. They were looking for you, after all. Why didn't they use you as bait? Or did they send you in, pretending that you had arrived for them? They worshipped you with every breath you took, wouldn't that make you the perfect person to spy on them?
The job Joshua had made up for you on the spot — or he was going to burden you with the stuff he had no time for — was unideal at best, but you feared it wasn't going to get any better than that.
With one simple handshake, your fate had been sealed.
There was a tension in the air when you first worked with him. Neither of you seemed entirely satisfied with the conditions you'd created for yourself; if anything, Joshua wanted you completely shielded from the things they were doing.
He found out that you already knew about the Silver Star's intentions, that you could only define it as a cult — even despite Airu's confirmations that it was, you didn't tell him that — and that the practices inside were dangerous, to say the least.
It was hard to pinpoint what led Joshua to such protective measures, as if he was going to lose you if he let you out of his sight. You had no doubt that it was why he let you work under him, whatever that would entail.
And from the bits and pieces he'd already told you before he shut his mouth completely, you had a feeling that his brother was involved.
Joshua kept himself occupied with decoding messages from the inside. Minsu was not the only one that had infiltrated the organisation. With him were three others that sent back messages, varying from simple daily routines to more details about their top.
At first, you just hung around in his office. Joshua appeared to be unsure of the tasks he wanted to assign, but if he did, he didn't show any desire to act accordingly.
You excused the first day as a day to settle in.
The next morning, Joshua wasn't even in his office. After turning the entire network inside out, you found him in the garden gathering herbs. You marched up to him, but halted in your tracks.
Instead, you left him alone and lend the second day to a sudden grief about his brother. You took the day to think about your parents as well.
From there on, every day that passed would be without excuses. Joshua was back on track, but all you did was watch him do his job. Once again, he seemed unsure — scared, even — of what he could let you do and you knew the words 'rearrange my office' were on his mind.
He knew better than to treat you as his maid.
You helped him decode a couple of messages by writing down its meaning when Joshua was too busy pondering over its meaning, but that was about it.
After a week of enduring your impatience, you still weren't doing anything meaningful.
The air grew thicker until you felt something snap.
"When you told me we had an arrangement, I best hope that didn't entail playing pretend with me," you told him tightly.
Joshua didn't respond, working through the code that he got from Minsu.
Your fingers were burning up when you stretched them. "If you really didn't want me to do anything, you would've fought harder but you didn't."
"We'll discuss this tonight after dinner."
You clenched your fists.
Joshua looked down and his eyes widened.
"What?"
He nodded his head at your hands.
The flames danced when you lifted them. "I…"
"I guess you were right when you said that resources are going to waste." Joshua pointed at you. "You're letting them go to waste, too."
You closed your hands and took a deep breath, the heat around your hands disappearing. "Are we even now?"
Joshua smiled weakly. "I'm not exactly used to working with someone."
"You're just a wuss."
He blinked a couple of times, to which you smiled. He clicked his tongue and stepped aside. "Alright, so Minsu sent a message about the Divine Priestess."
"Divine Priestess?" You asked. "Is that their leader?"
"We think so," Joshua answered as he scribbled the message down. "It has always been unclear what their top looks like, it seems to change every so often, but this is a name that keeps coming back."
"Would it be reasonable to assume that this Divine Priestess is leading everything, and the Royal Family, the Council, they're all a distraction from her?"
His head turned to your way. He narrowed his eyes and straightened his posture. "Elaborate."
"If we were to assume your theory about the King and Queen is correct," you started and pointed at the name, "who is to say that the Council is real? For all we know, the Divine Priestess could be orchestrating everything."
"It's plausible," he said with a hum and scribbled it down. "Thank you for your input. I think we can ask Minsu to find out more about it."
You nudged him. "You do know how to collaborate."
Joshua rolled his eyes playfully and closed his book. "I'll make sure to get the message back to Minsu. He'll be gone tonight."
"I'm going to check on the kids." You patted his shoulder and slipped out of his office towards the wing. You opened the doors and walked right into Airu sitting on a bed.
They looked up and waved at you. As they got up, a girl's voice told them to sit down. Yui popped up from behind them and shot them a glare.
"For a small girl, you have a loud voice."
"Not funny, Ru. I was braiding your hair."
You chuckled and sat down with them. "Yeah, Airu. You should sit still."
Yui shot them a gummy smile. "See? Yin gets me."
They waved her off and Yui continued on their hair. "How's working with Joshua?"
"Better. I cussed him out." You hummed. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to check if Yui wasn't terrorising the other kids."
"Mean," the little girl called from behind them, to which they grinned.
You looked from the oldest to the youngest and suddenly it dawned on you why Yui looked so familiar before.
Airu shrugged. "Sometimes you have to give your siblings some tough love, Yui. You'll understand when you're older."
Yui scoffed playfully, making you chuckle.
They turned to you, but she snapped their head back to the front. "I'm looking out for her, have been since our parents got wrapped up in the cult."
"Gods, Airu. I'm—"
"There's no need to say you're sorry," they interrupted you. "I'm not looking for pity."
You offered a small smile and placed your hands in your lap. "I know you're not. I just wanted you to know that I admire your courage and determination, by being here and making sure your sister is okay."
Airu's frown disappeared. They lowered their eyes and cleared their throat. "I don't see it as anything else than my responsibility."
"Done!" Yui popped into view with a bright smile. "Do you like it?"
They smiled. "I love it, thank you."
She deadpanned her older sibling. "You didn't even look."
"I don't need to. I know I love it."
That brought a smile to Yui's face. She pressed their cheeks together before pressing a big kiss to it. She slid off the bed and ran through the doors to the garden. Through the window, you watched her join the other kids in playing tag.
Airu looked on as well and hummed. "She can barely remember them. I have to keep their memory alive."
"Sometimes that's all we can do," you replied, to which they sighed.
"Ain't that the truth, rookie."
You offered them a warm smile and pulled the younger against you.
The doors opened and Joshua walked in. He halted in his tracks when he saw the two of you and shot you a small smile. "I… Forgot you were here."
"Rookie mistake," Airu told him with a grin. They got up and dusted their pants off. "Well, I'm going to make sure the kids won't kill each other. Some have discovered they can use magic and they are testing the limits."
They shot you a grateful smile and rubbed your shoulder before turning on their heel.
"I'm here for you, actually."
You looked from Airu to Joshua.
Joshua rubbed his neck. "I don't want to put you on the spot here…"
"She can hear it." They crinkled their nose. "What is it?"
"Minsu was able to locate your parents. Alive." He swallowed and offered a small smile. "I hope you have trained for this. It won't be easy."
They nodded and shuffled in their spot. It didn't take more than a second before they ran up to Joshua and flew around his neck.
He melted into the embrace and held them close. When he locked eyes with you, his brows were pushed together.
Your father told you to not climb the tree in your backyard when you were a child. It was dangerous because you would fall out and end up with a broken leg. You climbed the it anyway, wanting to see how high you could reach. To see what the world above had to offer you. Nothing had happened, until a branch broke on your way down and you fell. You landed on your feet and although it stung, your leg was okay.
A couple of weeks later, you woke up screaming in pain. After careful observation from your mother, she concluded that you had a fractured bone from the impact of your landing.
Minsu had tried. He'd tried until he was practically on his knees begging them not to go. He'd narrowly escaped discovery after locating Airu's parents, only the Gods knew what would happen to Airu themself.
Airu was determined — unsurprisingly — and went to the location that they were spotted at, disguised with help of your potion. As the hours passed and dinnertime came around, Minsu had nearly grabbed his bags when they suddenly stood in the living quarters. Their cheeks had been wet with tears, their eyes so bloodshot that you wondered what else they'd been doing.
Even for someone as unfazed as them, the Silver Star had a way of getting under their skin. Their parents had taken them through everything, they'd even forced their hand and made them stay for a ceremony.
You could only think of Daphne when Airu described the scene and with the recent information of the Priestess, you'd taken a mental note to dive into Joshua's notes.
With a bowl of herbs and a portion of good luck from Daphne and Minsu, you stood in front of Airu's quarters that night.
You knocked on the door softly and called out to them.
It took a while before Airu opened the door, their cheeks stained with tears. "I'm fine, thank you."
"I might have something that can help you take your mind off today."
"I love you and I know Joshua will string me on a tight rope for saying this, but I'm not interest in guru practices."
You set a foot in the doorway before they could close it. "I want to help, Airu. You're obviously plagued by today."
Airu observed you from head to toe before swinging the door open. They plopped down on their bed and watched you settle on their floor. "So, what are you going to do? Bless my room?"
You concentrated on your hands, but nothing was coming out. You tightened your muscles until they trembled, but all it produced was a small sparkle.
"Shit," they slid on the floor with you, "you can wield fire?"
"And air, I accidentally slam doors around here all the time." You shook your hands. "I just… I can't do it actively. The fire happened when I was angry at Joshua and hasn't come back since then."
"Emotionally driven magic is dangerous," Airu told you and opened their palm. A small flame danced in their hand. "You need to feel it inside of you to be able to channel it. Let your soul drive the magic, not your emotions."
You swallowed and opened your palm. "What if I set your room on fire?"
"We'll ask Daphne to put it out." They placed their hand on their chest. "Focus on what's in there."
You closed your eyes. Your mind wandered to your old backyard, to the big tree that you used to climb as a child. To the herbs blowing in the wind.
"Cute stone, but think of the other element."
You thought of the fire crackling in the hearth, the hours you spent in front of it watching it dance specially for you, the way you moved your hands and it would move along with you.
Your palm heated up and when you opened your eyes, the stone was replaced by a flame.
Airu's eyes were widened in surprise. "You turned the stone into a flame! Do you know how awesome that looked?"
"I had my eyes closed, so unfortunately not." You held the hand by the herbs until the flame was carried over. Your eyes flicked up at them. "Now it's your turn to close your eyes."
They did as they were told and hummed. "The scent is… nice, actually."
"Lavender, chamomile and passionflower." You crossed your legs and placed your hands in your lap. "You just focus on the herbs, you don't have to tell me about anything that burdens you, but I know from experience that it can help."
"All I can think about was how weird it was to be there with them," they started, their brows knitted together. "They… they just treated me like they would with anyone else but they were so different from how I remembered them."
"How do you remember them?"
"People who fought for their lives for our freedom and existence," they answered. "They thought, by joining the Silver Star, they would see a better life for me and my sister, but for all of the other witches as well. They weren't vulnerable as much as they were blinded."
You saw their fist clench from the corner of your eye. "Are you angry at them?"
"I was barely eighteen." Their eyes open and to you, spitting almost literal fire. "They told us to pack our bags and go with them, but I refused. I knew something sinister was going on, but my parents were already in too deep. They wanted to take Yui with them, but I told them I would burn the house down with us in it if they tried. Yui was merely a year old and I… I couldn't do that to her."
They chuckled bitterly, their eyes glimmered when the light fell on them. "I don't even know why I bother to let them live in Yui's memory. They don't deserve it."
"Why do you want to go in there?"
"So I can convince them to escape, for Yui. I don't care what lengths I have to go to. They have to be saved before they take part in the ceremony."
You offered a weak smile and nodded. "As long as you come back for your sister, you are well in your right to try."
"I will." They nodded and grabbed the bowl from the ground. "Do you mind if I keep them here?"
"Not at all." You got up. "Thank you for trusting me, Airu. I really appreciate it."
"You just make it so easy to do so." They bumped your hip. "Good night, Rookie."
Your father often showed you what his abilities could lead to, and as a child it was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen. All you could do now was watch, knowing that the trajectory of fate wasn't something to tamper with.
And sometimes, it was better to do nothing after all.
Since you joined Vault Nine, you'd grown fond of the living quarters. So much so that you felt the walls closing in on you if you spent any longer than two hours in your personal quarters.
You were in the kitchen, bowed over a pot. The herbs were boiling in a brown liquid and a bitter scent penetrated your nostrils until you nearly gagged.
Lavender would do the trick, before nobody would drink it at all. You watched it dissolve before you muttered to it. The content of the pot lit up in a bright white before it returned back to its usual state.
You divided it over the empty bottles and dissolved the rest. As you were grinding the calendula, the door opened.
Joshua smiled and stepped in. "I thought I smelled something coming from here."
Your cheeks flushed and you pointed at the pot. "This is the last thing, I promise."
"You can take your time. I'll wait."
Your heart jumped, racing in your chest like it had somewhere to be. You watched how Joshua walked over to you, joining you behind the counter.
"What are you making?"
"Healing potions," you answered and poured the bowl of calendula in the boiling water. "These are for injuries, calming as well as anti inflammatory."
Joshua bowed over the pot, so close that you could smell the strawberry, white flowers and oud on him. Sweet, fresh and captivating, unable to pull away from. His eyes flicked to you and your breath caught, your cheeks flushing even hotter.
"We are lucky to have you here," he said softly, a warm smile tugging at his lips. His hand was on the small of your back as he reached over for a bottle. "Let me take one of those to our spies. One has a fever."
The heat pooled in your stomach as you nodded. "Of course."
His lips brushed against the shell of your ear and you shuddered. "Come to my office after you're done," he whispered. "I need your help."
You watched him peel away from you, clutching the small bottle in his hand. He tugged on his jacket, revealing parts of his bare chest. You swallowed and nodded. "I will be there as soon as I wrap up here."
Joshua nodded and grabbed the door handle. He looked over his shoulder before he left.
You didn't know how fast you needed to get out of there. If you didn't know any better, you would've left the potions for what it was. You were clueless to your sudden desires, but you credited it to your curiosity. He carried himself a kind of way when he came in, an uncharacteristic way that was. It was not more than natural to want to find out what he was up to.
You delivered the potions to the spies, telling them you'd be back to check on them before they went to sleep. Daphne offered you a thankful smile, but you were out of the wing before she could hold you up.
You fixed you corset and brushed the folds of your dress before you walked into his office.
Joshua was hovered over his book, his brows knitted together as he wrote. Strands of black hair fell in front of his face and you imagined yourself tucking them behind his ear, smiling at him when he looked up at you.
He would wrap his arm around your waist, pull you into his lap and his hands…
You cleared your throat, making him look up.
You couldn't help but notice the white blouse instead of the black jacket. You were sure it was a one time thing. Joshua and his jacket were inseperable, apart from his night attire you hadn't seen him in anything else.
He smiled. "Thank you for being here so quickly," he said and waved his hand. "As my right hand, I need your help making sense of these codes."
You tilted your head with a hum, a knot forming in your stomach. "I… Of course."
"Please, take a seat."
You did and he shoved the messages your way. They laid in your hand while your eyes flicked at him. The air had shifted again. That or you had imagined the way he behaved in the kitchen earlier. Nonetheless, something about Joshua had changed from when he found you in your cabin.
No longer was he the mysterious man trying to shield you from a force that you were unaware of, and no longer were you a damsel in distress to him. You wondered if that was how he'd viewed you in the first place, or that was just what you assumed wrong about him.
The ceremony has succeeded and the Divine Priestess has regained her strength.
"Airu has seen one of these up close," you said. "It's like a sacrificing ritual, something that happens willingly, but Daphne described it as something they do when they don't deem you worthy anymore."
Joshua's head came up. "You talked to Daphne about this?"
"She confided in me, yes, after what happened to Vince and the kids." You hummed. "Maybe they gather members they deem as unworthy — or too powerful, or even dangerous, perhaps — and convince them to give their life to the Priestess."
Joshua ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. "It's very upsetting to have to say it, but I think you're right."
"If she actually rules everything, and the Council and royal family are a pretense, she has to have a source of magic to turn to."
Joshua stayed silent, but his eyes flickered in a way you hadn't seen on him before.
"You and I both know that energy drains if you keep using so much magic at once, so if she has to keep looking for resources…"
"It has to run out eventually." Joshua blew his cheeks. "Gods, this is becoming more sinister by the day. I just fail to understand how we couldn't have found out this information before."
"These are unstable times," you said. "They're using it to their advantage and get as many people on their side as they can, especially now that the Blackspirian Crown princess has disappeared and the land will be under attack."
Joshua placed his hand over his heart. "Let us hope they will live to see another day."
You hummed. "We have a week until they attack and I fear their search for me won't stop anytime soon, since they can't find me anywhere."
"They're growing more and more suspicious of our spies," he told you. "They don't say it out loud but we have all the reason to assume that they're linking them up to their inability to find you. Minsu has even reported that they visited your cabin to find you're not there."
You opened your mouth, but Joshua shot you a look. You deadpanned him. "Maybe I can convince them not to attack, you just have to send me out there."
"No." Joshua took the messages back. "We have to find a way to dry out the Priestess' source of power."
"We have to get them out of there, then," you said and grabbed a piece of paper. "The spies are going back tonight. Give them the task to smuggle them out." You got up. "We can ask Daphne for people. I'm sure she knows a couple of names they can convince to come to us, start from there to thin out the organisation from the inside."
When Joshua stayed silent, you looked at him. There was that same twinkle in his eyes you saw in your first days, the smile on his face reaching his eyes.
You cleared your throat as the heat flushed to your cheeks. "My apologies, I got a little carried away."
"I'll get the message out."
Your head snapped up.
"There's a conviction in your words that I've never seen before, at least not when we first met." Joshua reached over and placed his hand on yours. "I believe you have found a new source of power inside of yourself. It makes you shine brighter than before."
"Are you flirting with me?" You teased.
He shrugged, a small grin tugging at his lips. He took the paper back and grabbed his quill. "Let me write the message. Thank you for your help."
You observed him. Any sign would do; flushed cheeks, avoiding eye contact, even a minor twitch of his lips, but it was like you weren't even there anymore.
As you got up, he lifted his head. His eyes scanned every inch of you until there was nothing left to look at anymore. "Where are you going?"
"I'm not of any help here anymore, so I will stock the potions in the children's wing," you announced and brushed the folds of your dress.
Joshua opened his mouth, but closed it. He smiled and nodded. "Let us meet at dinner tonight, then."
Even Daphne had raised her eyebrows when he walked in without his jacket, but she hadn't said anything. Neither would you.
Something hung in the air then, and that something bled into everything you and Joshua did together. Even a simple conversation made your knees buckle, your eyes wandering wherever he went to.
You walked into the children's wing and the eerie silence that fell over the dormitory made your heart drop. There was a loud scream and your head whipped to the window, a burden lifting off your chest.
In the middle of a crowd of children was Joshua. Still wearing his white blouse and a bright smile, still being his usual gentle and friendly self, but something was different once again.
With small steps, you made your way outside and hovered in the doorframe.
"There's only one rule in this game," you heard him tell the children. As soon as the last word rolled off his lips, he was gone.
The children were silent for a while. Heads turned to each other and soft mutters filled the front part of the garden.
A loud whistle silenced them.
You looked around curiously, your eyes landing on a figure tucked between the branches of a tree. Even from far away, you could see the grin on his face. You blinked and he was gone again.
Joshua appeared in front of the children again. "Catch me if you can."
The children erupted into roars as he made a run for it. At least a dozen footsteps bouldered after him, but Joshua disappeared again, popping up at the edge of the vegetable garden.
"We should split up!" Vince yelled. "He can teleport!"
The group broke off into four little clans, all running into a different direction. Vince ran straight towards the vegetables, but Joshua disappeared again.
You walked into the garden and sat on the porch by the window.
He sat on the roof of the playhouse, his legs dangling off the sides.
"That's unfair!" You heard Yui yelling at him. "Some of us are small!" She groaned when he disappeared again and trailed after the older girls.
Joshua popped up in every inch of the garden; between the herbs, in the playhouse, he even teleported himself up the roof. He was in the greenhouse, near the back entrance, everywhere and nowhere at once.
You watched with a smile, warmth spreading through your entire body.
Joshua appeared in the tree again, higher than he was before. He stayed there when all the children were gathered at the bottom. "What are you going to do now?" His voice echoed through the garden.
Yui flew into the air.
You shot up from the bench. You looked up at Joshua, but he just sat there watching. Your eyes scanned every one of the kids until you saw Vince, holding his hand up with his palm out. The higher he raised it, the closer Yui got to Joshua.
Yelps turned into giggles and soon, she sat in Joshua's lap.
Vince lowered his hand with a nod.
Joshua disappeared out of the tree, rejoining the children while Yui held his hand.
"Can we go again?!" Yui shouted and the children cheered.
He chuckled. "Let's do it another time, before my energy runs out. I need to get back to work anyway."
"Or are you going to Yin?" She batted her eyelashes at him with a sweet smile.
Joshua tapped her nose with a smile. "Yin is probably busy. She's taking very good care of all of us and that takes a lot of time."
"You should take care of her." She nodded determinedly.
"I will, dear." He stroked her hair and excused himself.
The children resumed to their playtime while Joshua came your way.
You waited for him, arms crossed and grinning. "You hear that? You should take care of me."
Joshua shot up, his cheeks flushing a shade as red as your dress. "Were you watching the whole time?"
"I'm happy to see you had fun with them." You bumped his hip before following him inside. "They have the power to let us be carefree again, don't they?"
"Yeah," he offered you a smile, "they do."
You halted him and placed your hand on his arm. "I was serious."
Joshua tilted his head.
"I am happy to see you like this. Less…"
"Stuck up?"
"Guarded."
He swallowed and dragged his foot back and forth.
You squeezed his arm lightly and smiled. "When I came here, I didn't know what to expect and to be surrounded by such… love, and care, it's the greatest gift of all. I have you to thank for that."
He wrapped his arms around you and you melted into his chest. And slowly, the pieces started to fall into place for you and him.
The network had been overridden by fear when one of the spies came back barely clinging onto their life. There was no doubt in your mind that the Silver Star was catching on and it could only mean how dangerously close to the truth you were getting.
You and Daphne spent the entire night doing everything you could to save her. She would be out for a couple of days, but she was alive. It was Minsu's example to Airu what could happen to them, but he proved himself incapable of changing his mind. Vault Nine had never been so close to the dismantling of the Silver Star, they made sure to leave their mark.
Daphne stayed with Minsu for the rest of the night, while you visited the children. The news had reached them as well and one of the members struggled to keep them calm. He sent you and Joshua on your way.
Yui clung onto you immediately alongside three other children.
Your heart shattered, but you kept yourself together for them. You kneeled down in front of them. "She will be okay. Daphne and I have taken good care of her, but she will need rest."
"We're scared…" Yui whispered. A tear rolled down her cheek. "Will they get us, too…?"
"We will protect you with everything we have," you told her. "And if they will get here anyway, you will hide like we talked about yes? Daphne will come and get you when it's safe."
You got up and brushed your dress off. "Alright, who wants to hear a fun story?"
The kids strolled your way, their eyes peeking at you curiously. They sat down in a half circle. Yui was at the front, holding one of the girls' hands.
"Once upon a time, there was a witch," you started and waved your hand.
The children gasped.
You looked next to you and a small figure had formed right where you hand was, shining a bright blue. Your eyes darted to Joshua, who was at the back of the room.
"She lived in a cabin near the woods, with a big tree in her backyard that she loved to climb." You waved your hand carefully and the figure was replaced by a tree, where she was hanging from one of the branches.
The children giggled.
"She had powers of the earth, and over the years she learned that she could do more than that," you continued. "She had the gift of healing. Healing wounds, healing plants, and healing people."
You glanced at Joshua, but looked away again. "But people were scared of her, scared of the things she could do, so she hid."
You created another figure, making the two meet with a wave of your hand. "One day, she met another witch, who saw more in her than she ever did. He made her see that she'd always been destined for more, to do and be more. She was surrounded by people like her, who made her feel pride instead of shame."
The figures disappeared and you closed your eyes. You thought of the crackling hearth, of the warm breeze, of the rain tapping against the window and the tree in your backyard. When you opened your eyes, the elements danced in your hand. When you looked at Joshua again, you smiled.
"She realised that she always had it in her."
The dread settled deeper into your bones with every second that passed. The urgency that Daphne rushed into your quarters with, the fear that flickered behind her eyes, you hadn't been able to shake it.
You had watched how she fell into Minsu's arms, who held onto her like she would disappear as well. They'd looked at you with such desperation and hope that all of your worries had disappeared in an instant. You couldn't afford yourself to crumble, not when they were already doing so.
Joshua showed little, if anything at all. His eyes flicked to you and he nodded. The words that left his mouth were as much a plea as they were an order. Four simple words that snapped you right back into focus.
'Do everything you can'.
You closed your eyes and hovered your hands above their body. They burned the closer you came to their abdomen and you swallowed. You placed your hands on their lower belly and beams of white seeped into their skin.
A faint breath of relief rolled off their lips.
When you felt again, your hands still burned. Their chest rose and fell in such weak motions that every one could be the last, every muscle in their body gradually relaxing.
You straightened up and it didn't take more than a simple look for them to understand.
Daphne collapsed to the floor in loud sobs.
Your eyes flicked to Minsu, who had one fist balled while his other hand stroked Daphne's hair. He gazed at you before looking at them. He peeled away from the older woman and walked up to the table.
You placed a hand on his chest and looked up at him.
Minsu scoffed and pushed your hand away, holding his own above the body.
"Think about what you're going to do now," you told him. When he didn't respond, you bowed your head. "Who is going to take their place? You?"
"If that brings them back, yes."
"You know it's not what—"
"You don't know what Airu would've wanted!" Minsu yelled. His eyes glimmered as his lip quivered. "How could you have known?! You've been here the shortest out of all of us and suddenly you know everything?!"
Joshua stepped forward, but you shook your head.
When you looked at the necromancer, his hands were glowing. "You know the rules, Minsu. The balance of nature is not something to tamper with."
"It'll find a way to repay me," he said tightly and closed his eyes.
"Airu never had plans to come back."
You snapped in Daphne's direction.
She wiped her tears and sniffled, scrambling up from the ground. She trailed over to Minsu, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks. "Airu never wanted to come back from this, you know that as well as I do. If they couldn't get their parents back, they would die trying."
Soft sobs escaped Minsu's lips. "I can't leave Yui all on her own… Airu needs to come back… For her…"
Daphne wrapped her arms around him and placed her head against his arm. "Bringing them back would only result in worse, dear… Leave them be…"
Minsu's pleading eyes locked with yours.
You offered him a weak smile and shook your head.
He ripped himself out of Daphne's arms and stormed out of the room. When she wanted to go after him, Joshua stopped her.
"Let's get the news to Yui before she hears it from someone else."
Daphne nodded and shot you a small smile before leaving the room.
You looked at Airu and crossed your arms over your body. "I didn't have the heart to tell them that there was nothing I could do apart from easing the pain."
Joshua slid a hand on your shoulder. "In that moment, it was everything."
You turned around and nuzzled your head in his chest, letting yourself be engulfed by him.
His fingers brushed through your hair. "Minsu tried to change their mind on many occasions, you know," he told you. "We all knew this day was coming, and inevitably, I think Yui knew this as well. She's a smart girl, and we will all take good care of her."
Your eyes welled with tears. "Gods, this is not how I wanted to spend my day."
"I think that makes all of us." He lifted your chin and cupped your cheeks. "Thank you, truly. Even if it was just to ease the suffering, I know that Airu would've appreciated your efforts."
You looked at Airu again. "We should fare them a proper goodbye."
"Airu wanted us to celebrate them."
"Then that's what we'll do." You peeled away from Joshua and walked up to their body. "We can bury them, but as a Fire witch, I can imagine that they would prefer to leave this land the traditional way."
Joshua pushed his brows together, to which you smiled.
"You'll see tonight."
In the garden, the network had gathered around a wooden construction you made with some of the kids, Airu on top of it. You stood in front, Joshua next to you with Yui holding his hand. The kids sat at the front, the adults standing behind them watching in an odd mixture of curiosity and grief. Only in the eyes of other Fire witches, you saw the recognition and most of all, appreciation.
"Thank you everyone for gathering here on such short notice," Joshua started. "This is not the occasion we would like to meet under usually. And in all honesty, it's still so early to truly grasp what has happened for all of us, I can imagine."
He glanced at you before his eyes flicked to the rest of the group. "I still want to take a moment with all of you to say goodbye to Airu." He looked down at Yui and smiled at her. "Would you like to tell us anything fun about your big sibling?"
Yui nodded. She let go of Joshua's hand and took a small step forward. "Airu is very funny," she started. It didn't take more than hearing her small voice for some to break out into tears. "Sometimes they think they're the funniest person on Earth, but I don't think that's true."
You chuckled weakly, along with the crowd.
"They visit every day and play with us. Sometimes, they stay so long that Minsu has to come get them because they forgot to work." Yui looked up at Joshua, who nodded at her. "Airu is also very sweet, and they do everything to protect me. And they make delicious cookies!"
He ruffled her hair. "Good job, dear." His eyes locked with yours and he nodded, taking Yui to the side with him.
You looked around the crowd. "The sight of what's behind me is probably a bit confusing to most of you," you said. "I didn't know Airu as you did, but I could see how proud they were of their heritage, of their powers and of their identity. When I just came here, I remember how Minsu told me that it would make sense and he was right."
Your eyes flicked to Minsu, who stared at the ground. "Airu embodied what being a Fire witch is all about: passion, adventure and determination. Albeit a bit stubborn, as well."
The crowd murmured and chuckled softly, followed by a choir of sniffles.
"And I've been here only a short time, but long enough to recognise how beloved they were in this network, and how great the impact of their passing will be on all of us."
You glanced at Joshua holding Yui in his arms.
He offered you a nod.
"To honour their memory and their legacy, we're going to do something that is traditional in the community of Fire witches." You locked eyes with some of them and smiled. "It would be my greatest pleasure if they could join me in doing this, for Airu."
Three came forward, one of which you recognised as one of the spies.
She nodded at you and stood in front of the altar.
You stepped aside with a smile, but they beckoned you. You laced your fingers together and stood in a half circle around the wooden altar. You closed your eyes and chanted along with them, the sensation burning in your chest as you watched the altar go up in flames.
The crowd was completely silent, watching the fire engulf Airu. The fire burned for the rest of the night as you lifted everyone's spirits by music, dancing and keeping the passion of Airu's legacy alive. And amidst all the celebration that they would've wanted, two new people had found their way to you by following the flames, as if the community had felt the loss of one of their own.
And when you finally had a chance to greet them, the resemblance had been uncanny.
You hadn't seen Minsu in such a frantic state before, not the way he was when the new people showed up. He had been yelling at Joshua all morning and you heard it all the way from the garden, where you were gathering the ash.
You put everything in an urn that you'd made.
"Thank you."
You jumped up, clutching your chest with a chuckle. "Gods, you scared me." Your face fell upon seeing the two people and you cleared your throat. "My sincere condolences for your loss once again. This must have been a strange sight to walk into."
"We held hope that they would've held out," the woman spoke. Her eyes were sunken in the back of their head, hair tied into a bun that nearly fell apart. Her body loosely hugged by a white dress with silver embroidery. Her breath was shaky when she exhaled. "Goddess, what have we done…?"
Her husband placed a hand on her shoulder as he looked at you. "We cannot do anything to erase or change the past, but we can redeem ourselves at Her mercy by doing what's right."
Your stomach turned upside down.
He held his hand out to the urn, but you held it against your chest. He smiled weakly. "I understand. Our redemption has yet to come."
You watched as they left the garden, the woman's cries fading into the hallway.
You made a mental note to speak to Joshua when you had the chance.
After a week, there was no news of the attack.
Minsu had gone back inside the Silver Star and you soon discovered that — once again — they found themselves in troubled waters with the Divine Priestess.
"That makes the time to strike right now," you said to Joshua. "She's weak. We can take her."
Joshua arched his eyebrow. "And who is 'we' exactly?"
"Me, anyone who wants to join. Who else?"
"I've told you before—"
You waved your hand. "I won't hear it anymore. I've waited long enough in hopes you would change your mind, but we can't just sit here and wait, Joshua. Sending Airu back barely clinging onto life was a message, and there's no doubt in my mind that their parents are our next."
Joshua run a hand through his hair and clenched his jaw.
You hated the way the heat pooled in your stomach.
"I have spoken with them on many occasions," he said gently, "they seem distraught, and most of all, lost. That's what we're here for."
"Then you know that they keep clinging onto their beliefs a little too hard. They're looking for redemption now, at my hands."
He shook his head quickly. "We're drifting away from our point, and mine stands."
"Mine, too." You turned on your heel. "I will leave tonight, and we will end this once and for all."
Before you were out of the office, Joshua's hand wrapped around your wrist. "I will not hear your pleas anymore. You have waited long enough now and we can't afford to wait any longer."
"I can't let you go so easily, not anymore."
Your breath caught, but you avoided his lingering gaze. "You have to," you whispered.
Joshua tightened his grip. "It would destroy me if something would happen to you. Their hold on everyone is so strong and I would never forgive myself if you suffered the same fate." He chuckled. "Gods… in all honesty? I don't know what I would do without you here, or who I would be. Change is already around us, and it's because of you."
He let go of your wrist, his hand moving to caress your cheek. "I have laid awake many nights, but since you have joined our forces I can't remember the last time that my mind was plagued with every little mistake I have made in my life. It's like you reside there, cradling me to sleep without a worry in my mind. Everything is you, and frankly, you are everything."
You felt yourself sinking when you looked up, the world that resided in his eyes swallowing you whole. There were no words that would ever describe the way you pressed your lips to his, ratio making way for desire and desperation. You had never realised the gravity of your statement until you melted into Joshua's touch the way you were meant to.
You clutched onto his white blouse, gripping it so tightly that your knuckles turned the same colour. As if he could come any closer, you pressed yourself against him. His hands traveled over your bare shoulders, brushing your hair to the side, leaving a trail of heat against the cold air.
He pulled away from you and kissed your neck instead, tongue swirling against your pulse. Your fingers laced in his hair and you tugged it softly, electricity shooting all the way to your core.
You lifted his chin and kissed him until your lips bruised. You felt your feet lift, light as a feather, as if the ground beneath your feet disappeared. You held onto his collar as you looked around.
Everything floated in the air, including you.
Joshua's chest rose and fell heavily as his eyes widened. "I…" He set you back on the ground and sat in his chair, pulling you on top of him.
"Let's hope I don't bury us underground," you said and kissed him again. You straddled his lap, your heart spiking when he moaned in your ear.
His fingers tugged at the cord of your corset until it came loose. His blouse followed and your nails trailed his bare chest, his muscles tensing underneath your touch. His hand traveled downwards while the other rested on your back, all the way up your inner thigh.
You lifted your hips, your eyes locked with his. His fingers slid inside of you, his thumb rubbing your clit. A wave of pleasure crashed over as you lowered on his fingers, your grip on his shoulders tightening. Your lips parted in a soft moan when you moved up and down.
"Fuck, you look so good like this," he said breathless. His lips found your neck again and your skin caught on fire.
The knot in your stomach tightened, making you throw your head back.
"Do I make you feel good?"
You responded with a moan, your climax crashing over you like a tidal wave. Your legs trembled when he pulled his fingers out.
"And that was just my fingers," he whispered against your lips. "I imagine what a mess you'll be after my cock and I get off on it."
You tugged on his pants, to which he chuckled.
"Eager?"
"Impatient," you shot back.
Joshua lifted his hips. His cock sprung free and the tip already leaked. He brought his hand down, but you pushed it away.
You stroke the length, twitching under your touch while you trapped him under your gaze. "You didn't need much to get so hard like this."
His breath caught, but he composed himself. The flicker in his eyes was desperate, nonetheless. "It was enough to see riding my fingers until you came."
You let the tip tease your entrance and bit your lip. "And that just your fingers," you whispered and sank onto his cock, feeling your core flutter.
Joshua's hands gripped your hips in a last attempt to keep himself composed. His hair stuck to his forehead, his chest rose and fell in heavy motions and his eyes pierced through you. He closed them when you brushed your hands through his hair.
You moved your hips up and down in a fatal rhythm, skins clashing against each other and your moans increasingly louder and needier. The deeper you felt him inside of you, the deeper you drowned in him.
When your lips connected in a last kiss, everything else around you died out. Your orgasm thundered over you until you saw stars. A broken moan escaped both of your lips and you crashed into his chest.
Joshua caressed your back and gently lifted your hips. Your thighs squeezed together when he pulled out, the heat pooling in your stomach. Your feet hit the floor, silky smooth under your touch. You looked down and tilted your head.
You plucked a flower from the ground and watched it fade in your hand. The rest of flowers disappeared like they had never even existed at all. When you looked at Joshua, your cheeks flushed. "Oops."
"Good to know that this happens."
"For future reference."
He chuckled and tucked a lock behind your ear.
You looked at him while he did. "Joshua, I—"
There was a knock on the office door.
Joshua hummed. He reached to the side and stretched his arm for his blouse. "Give us one moment," he called out and hoisted his arms through the sleeves.
You came off his lap and fixed your dress, tightening your corset around your waist.
He pressed a kiss to your lips and opened his book, his hand resting on the small of your back as he hovered over it.
You followed his example and kept your eyes on the letters dancing in your sight.
"I'm sorry to interrupt," you heard Minsu. Your cheeks flushed.
"What can I do for you?"
"We have to strike now if we want to stop them, Joshua." The pleading in his words struck a chord with you, making you look up. He held a letter in his hand. "I was able to intercept this message from the Council to the government of Qorath. They're going to launch an attack before dawn tomorrow."
You clenched your jaw and looked at Joshua, dread seeping into your bones.
He kept his eyes straight ahead, rubbing his chin absentmindedly.
"Joshua."
His eyes darted to Minsu.
"Now is our chance," he said urgently. "We have to do something."
"We don't have the forces."
You balled your fists, the crackling fire pulsing in your ears.
"Then I will gather them," Minsu told him determinedly. "Our window of opportunity is slim, and taking them by surprise is no option anymore."
Joshua shook his head. "I can't let you do this, Minsu."
"Then close your eyes and ears, because I will not let Airu's passing be in vain." Minsu turned on his heel and a blue light reflected in his face. He halted in his tracks and turned back, but his eyes were on you, blown wide open.
You gazed at him, the fire burning your hands.
"On the day that fire burns blue, The One brings forth everything true," Minsu muttered. His face hardened and he pointed at you. "You are going to destroy the Silver Star. It was prophesised and I'm not one to shy away from fulfilling prophecies."
Joshua grabbed your wrist when you wanted to walk out. He didn't say anything for a while, taking you in like you were the only thing in the world. He kissed your lips delicately and cupped your cheeks. "When you're done with them, search for a man with a golden ring around his neck," he whispered to you. "Tell him his little brother said hi."
The castle was on a suffocatingly high mountain, untouchable above the rest of the city.
From the large window, you looked out over Argentum in all its perfect glory. You refrained yourself from biting your nail, keeping up the appearance that you held yourself together while your heart was about to explode out of your chest. You were completely in white, a flowy dress that reached the floor.
Minsu was by your side, wearing a white cloak with silver embroidery. He held his head high, but his finger tapped against his palm in an unsteady rhythm. When the door opened, he whispered to play along and bowed.
You remained standing, staring right in the eyes of five similarly dressed witches. They all halted in their tracks.
"Council," Minsu greeted them stoically. "I have found her at last."
You looked from one to the other, but nothing seemed to indicate what you had learned before. They looked normal, sounded normal, there was no sign that anything was fabricated, or rehearsed in the slightest.
When you looked at the witch at the very end, his eye twitched. You turned your attention to him and took a step forward. "Good evening."
He immediately bowed.
You turned back around. "I was disturbed for this. Whatever do you need me for, if all people can do is bow at me?"
"Our apologies, Your Divinity," the tallest man said quickly. "We have prayed for your arrival for months, and as you can see we did our best to make your welcome unforgettable."
You lifted your nose in the air and waved your hands. The council came in motion and you followed them through the castle. You passed the Royal Chambers, but they were empty. They showed you the gathering spot for members, where they prayed and made offers to you.
You stomach turned when a statue of your own face stared back at you. They introduced you to members, who fell at your feet like you were their salvation.
When you looked over your shoulder at Minsu, he gave you a small nod.
"I have seen enough," you declared and brushed the folds of your dress. "Bring me back to the meeting room."
The Council formed a shield around you as you made your way back to the south end of the castle. The smaller of the men trailed next to you.
His eye twitched again.
You trapped him against the wall, the vines circling around his arms and neck. As the plants squeezed, he didn't move a muscle, dissolving into thin air.
When you looked behind you, the rest had disappeared as well.
"It can't be long until the Divine Priestess expects us," Minsu told you and grabbed your hand. He ran to the cellars and knocked a rhythm on the door.
From the other side, Daphne appeared.
You wrapped your arms around her neck and she returned the favour. "I'm happy to have you by my side."
"I can't pass up the opportunity to watch this place burn," she spoke and smiled at you. "And your water magic still sucks."
You bumped her hip and followed the two through the dark hallways. As your eyes adjusted, you saw Minsu reaching in his pockets. Something shimmered against the faint light in the distance, followed by a rattling sound. A door opened and Minsu hurried you in. He closed it behind him and pushed you through the hallways until you ended up in front of a big door.
All three of you looked at it.
"This is it, then," Daphne said, her hand squeezing yours. She looked at you with a small smile. "We're right behind you, okay? Nothing can happen to you."
Your heart pulsed in your ears. This was the moment you'd been longing for since you came, but your feet were unable to move. You weren't sure whether the adrenaline that pumped through your veins was excitement or fear, maybe a disastrous mixture of both. You were waiting for the moment that somebody suggested to turn back and leave all of this behind.
You remembered the way Airu laid on that table, how you watched their body go up in flames merely a week before. You remembered Minsu coming apart at the seams, the way he nearly sacrificed himself so that Airu could come back.
There was a burning sensation behind your ribcage when you thought of all the children that were in their dormitory, anxiously awaiting the moment that the Silver Star would dismantle your operation instead. The fear in their eyes as you came to comfort them, until there was no story left to tell them anymore.
You thought of Joshua's endless efforts, of the way he was scared to see anyone go in and not return, just like his brother had done. His brother, if he was even alive at that point.
You stretched your fingers and rolled your shoulders back. You observed the door one more time before you waved your hands. It exploded out of its lock, falling forward with a loud bang.
High upon a throne, tucked near the back of the room, was a figure. A white dress fell over the throne almost ethereally, a big star dangling in the setting sun. It got up at your entrance, long and slender. The swaying of her hips with every step, her bare feet clashing against the stone stairs, you had trouble to look away.
She stopped right in front of you and lifted your chin. Her cheeks were sharp, a pair of doe eyes trapping you where you were standing. Her slender fingers traced your cheeks as a smile decorated her soft face.
She stepped back and bowed until her head nearly touched the floor. "I have prayed for your arrival since the day it was prophesised," she spoke. Her words held a beat of excitement to them that made your stomach turn. "All the sacrifices I have made were all in your name, and now you are standing before me and I can't help but feel I haven't done enough."
You looked down at her and lifted your index and middle finger simultaneously.
The woman rose to her feet, but kept her head bowed.
"Have you ruled this community in my name?" You asked.
She nodded. "With so much love and gratitude."
You nodded and observed her one more time. You stepped back and waved your hand.
Daphne waved her arms and the particles in the air formed a big ball of water around the Divine Priestess. She pushed her hands forward and the water hardened up into ice, trapping her there.
The Priestess chuckled bitterly. "And that after everything I've done for you, sweetheart. I have built an Empire in your name, a solace for all of the witches that are scrutinised, and made out to be vile, and cruel when they're not. Are you really going to let them all down?"
"I am part of a haven as well, and we certainly do not feel as if we should take over an entire continent to prove we are worthy of existing." You walked up to the woman. "And maybe you shouldn't rely so much on prophecies the next time," you whispered to her. "You will be blinded by your own mind."
Amidst the ice, something red started glowing, but the more Daphne pushed back the fainter it became.
"We killed the Council." You shrugged. "We have counted on your weakening powers so the job is much easier for us." Behind you, the vines started to crawl up the block of ice. "Silver Star is going down once and for all."
"I can't hold her much longer," Daphne said to you. When you looked behind you, the blue glow around her hands was fading. "Be ready, sweetheart. It's going to be messy."
You shot Minsu a look. "Take her out of here and save as many people as you can. I'll handle this."
The ice fell down in big waves, nearly sweeping you off your feet. The Priestess took that opportunity to send a flame your way, but you thought of being taken away by the breezes of the wind, floating on the clouds and you flew in the air.
The Priestess followed you and used her fire to create a whip, but you countered with a rock shield, pushing it her way. She was too late to dodge it and clattered back to the ground. A sharp pain shot through your ankle when you landed, but you scrambled up before she did. You wiped a stream of blood from your nose and rolled your shoulders back.
"I've waited for this moment," you limped up to her, "since I was recruited. And still, I feel somewhat merciful despite everything you've done."
She spit some blood on the ground and got up slowly. "Maybe that is the wrong feeling going into this fight." She trapped you the same way Daphne had done to her before. "I have built all of this for you, so you could lead us to greatness and now look at you, corrupted by the wrong side."
You wriggled back and forth, but it only tightened around you. You clenched your fists as you glared at her. "You have never done this for me. There is no doubt in my mind that you hated the prophecy and did everything to delay my arrival. You've never searched for me until you had to, before you would lose your own followers over the promises you made for them."
"You have quite the mouth for someone who has hidden away for so long." The Divine Priestess walked up to you. "Just like the rest of them, you are a nobody. It is why your parents told you to leave and why the village never liked you. You are something they're scared of, such unexplained powers you possess."
Images of the blue hearth flashed, a burning sensation around your hands that was unbearable. You tried to wriggle yourself out one last time, but to no avail.
"You should've stayed in that cabin, where you were safe. And alone. All of this… mingling, has done you nobody any good."
The ice around you evaporated. A sea of blue flames shot from your hands until they engulfed the entire room. Everything around you went up in flames and the screams of the Priestess echoed through every cell of your body. The last thing you remembered was seeing her burning body clattering to the ground before the world around you went black.
A sharp pain shot through your head when you sat up. The mattress formed a dent where your body laid, and the faint scent of lemongrass entered your nose. You got up from your bed and tiptoed out of the room. You stood by the door of the garden, and through the window you could see how your herbs had turned brown. Your vegetables had rotten or been completely eaten away by whatever animal had found them.
You turned on your heel and walked to the living room. The crackling fire made your heart drop and you held your hands in front of you, taking careful steps forwards. Your head pounded and spun all at once, turning your stomach upside down.
In the kitchen was a man, his back turned towards you. His hair was gray at the roots and thinning out at the back, his stump posture covered by a brown jacket and similar pants. He turned around and a pair of deeply brown eyes twinkled in the late afternoon sun.
Your eyes welled with tears as you ran up to him. You fell into his embrace. "Papa…"
"My sweet bug," he muttered in your hair and pressed a kiss to it. "We are so relieved to see you are awake. When we got your letter, we were so worried. We came to your cabin immediately, to find you were not there."
"I'm so sorry," you sobbed. "I'm so, so sorry."
"You saved our community, my darling. I would never ask you to apologise for any of that." He lifted your chin and smiled. "I heard you took after your mother after all."
When you opened your mouth, the door to your cabin opened as well.
Your mother dropped the basket and ran up to you, muttering your name as she cried in your arms. "Oh, my sweet child. I'm so happy to see you."
You eased into her tight embrace and laid your head on her shoulder. Your eyes flicked to the last person, lingering in the doorframe.
Joshua offered you a smile and closed the door behind him.
"We tried to take care of your home as much as we could, but as you can see…" Your mother's eyes wandered to your garden, making you chuckle.
"You never had green fingers, it's forgiven."
She smiled at you and wiped your tears away, pressing a long kiss to your forehead. "I am so proud of you, bug. Our people can live to see another day."
You looked at Joshua. "What about the people inside?"
"Most of them got out," he answered. "The most loyal ones died in the fire alongside the Priestess. The castle went up in flames."
You nodded and stepped away from your mother.
"Let us tend to your garden," your father took the basket from her with a smile, "we'll be there if you need us."
You watched how they walked into the garden and the warmth spread through your chest. When you looked at Joshua, the feeling died out. "I'm sorry I couldn't get to your brother in time."
"You have done everything you could to stop the Priestess," he told you and cupped your cheeks. "We were lucky to pull you from the flames. Daphne nearly killed me over going in, but it was worth it."
Your eyes flicked to his arms. The skin was raw, burning a hot pink. "Joshua—"
"I may not have found my brother, but I couldn't sit and watch you go as well." He offered you a small smile. "I love you. I love you so much that I couldn't bear the thought of doing nothing. Even if it was a mere attempt, I could learn to live with myself."
"I love you, too," you whispered through your tears. You chuckled and your voice got louder. "Gods, Joshua, I love you in spite all of the chaos and suffering we have been through since we met. I don't know if I can ever love someone else."
"I hope you won't," were the words that Joshua kissed you with. His lips moved against yours deeply passionate, but tender all the same. He held you like you would shatter completely, but his grip was firm like he didn't want you to leave.
You held onto his blouse and let yourself drown in him.
"We all sought shelter over the lands," Joshua muttered against your lips. "I hope I can stay with you because your mother already gave her blessing."
"Let me sleep on that."
He smiled and gave you a last kiss before peeling away. "The kids are safe with other members. Minsu has taken Yui with him and once everything has settled down, we will reunite to celebrate."
You placed your hands on his shoulders and rubbed them. "For now, we can lead normal lives again."
"I can't wait." Joshua smiled and tucked a lock behind your ear. "How do I do that, again?"
You chuckled and slapped his chest. "First, you make yourself likable for my parents so you'll be a part of the family. Otherwise I have no choice but to kick you out of there."
"I'm already eligible to marry you in your mother's eyes. I think I have nothing to worry about." Joshua squeezed your shoulders. "Let's join them in the garden. The weather is nice outside."
You were happy to be a family again, but the greatest joy was giving Joshua one to be a part of. And you hoped that, now you lived to see another day, he would find his own one back.
until the poets run out of rhymes, and therefore, until the end of time
⚬ pairing: poetic loverboy! joshua x fem! reader
⚬ word count: 5k
⚬ genres: roommates au, f2l, romance, angst, smut (lovemaking heh)
⚬ warnings: mentions of heartbreak, distress and past emotionally abusive relationship, a lot of poems actually (yeah this is a warning if youre like me and dont fw poems lmao), smut and other mature themes, MDNI.
<3 synopsis: things have always been quiet around your apartment, too quiet, almost to the point where even breathing out loud feels like a sin. when, after a frosty breakup, a boy as warm as the sun moves in, you begin to learn what safety sounds like.
<3 songs recommended:
- like real people do by hozier
- skinny love by birdy
- would that i by hozier
credits to my army of beta-readers for this one lmfao: @nerdycheol, @jakedustry, @livmarauder, @mellowamour
thank u @strangergraphics for the beautiful dividers <3
author's note: part of my valentine's day event, lmk if you'd want to be tagged :)
sorryyyy no letter todayy, the fic is too cheesy as it is lol, a love letter to you about words of affirmations from josh heh
pls reblog the fic if you like it, reblog with a #tbr if you are saving it for later. support authors and artists of the fandom by reblogging our works!!
You once read a poem while waiting for a bus, you don't recall it much, except for the first four lines.
'There is a silence where there has been no sound,
There is a silence where no sound may be.
In the cold grave—under the deep, deep sea.
Or in wide desert where no life is found.'
It has been over four days since he left your apartment. You're still waiting for it to sink in—the weight, the grief, the emptiness, something, anything. You wait for them, hugging your knees closer to your chest and rocking yourself sometimes. It's okay, you tell yourself, grief isn't linear. To some, it crashes in huge waves all at once leaving a wreck to be rebuilt behind. To some, it hits like steam…slow, painful, melting.
But right now, in your empty bedroom stripped bare of half of it's contents, you neither feel the jolt of a tsunami, nor the hiss of some scalding mist.
You thought it'd be quieter in here now when he told you he was going to leave you.
You forgot to account for the fact that even when he was here, there weren't a lot of sounds.
The two of you never really talked beyond what was necessary—no jokes cracked, no stories told, no songs sung. It was either that, or the huge blowouts where you'd find yourself screaming in his face because he was screaming in yours. It was like a rhythm of cold, dark midnights of January followed by September's downpour without any room for air.
The thing about weathers like those are that it always leaves one anxious of the next blow of wind.
And though anxiety rattles one from within, such is the nature of the human body that even when that unstoppable shiver of doom takes over in one's knuckles, it makes no sound.
You sigh, leaning against the foot of your bed, your eyes swiping across the paint peeling off the roof of this cold grave.
'She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
and all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes.'
Joshua has a habit of associating songs and poems to all the things that strike him with such intensity that even blinking becomes a cumbersome task for him for it will vanish the sight for even the split second in which his lashes touch his lids.
When he looks at the girl who has just walked into the apartment he's viewing, the opening lines of Lord Byron's famous lyrics echo in his mind.
She seems around his age, but her eyes droop with years beyond. She mustn't have been expecting her landlord to start looking for a new tenant already—it's barely been a month since the last guy who lived in the room adjacent to hers in this unit moved out. She stutters at the sight of the two men in her living room. The layer of maroon gloss is thick on her lips and on the rim of the paper cup in her hand, a thin, black coat swallowing her form upto her knees.
The kohl lining her left eye is a little smudged, her nose pink. Joshua thinks if only he knew her for a few weeks, he'd be able to tell if she had been crying or if it was just the cold.
The landlord verbalizes her name, your name.
"Ah, good you're here." He says, introducing you to the young man, Joshua, who is considering moving into the room that once served as your boyfriend's office.
"Hey, you can call me Josh, it's a pleasure to meet you." Joshua says with that smile that he has been told makes him look equal parts charming and disarming.
You try to return that smile, but your cheeks feel tensed with under-use. Your eyes flit towards the guitar case on his shoulder.
Joshua follows your gaze, it's impossible not to when your eyes are so big and expressive—like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.
"Oh this," he laughs, pointing to his guitar, "don't worry about it, I won't disturb you by playing it when you're home."
He waits for you to give him a nervous laugh and tell him it's no worries—you seem like someone who'd say that. Or perhaps tell him that you love guitars. Maybe you play too? Even a displeased 'I know you'll be playing it at 3 a.m. and I will complain about you' glare would be nice.
But he gets none of that from you.
Just a nod, barely. Open to interpretation.
You clutch your cup tighter and walk into what he assumes is your room, slowly clicking the door shut.
Joshua really loves the apartment, it receives plenty warmth from the sun, is south-facing, the windows in the kitchen open to give a good view of the copper hued tulip poplar trees outside.
What he doesn't like though, is the silence that seems to breathe in its walls.
'love is more thicker than forget,
more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail'
You wonder if when E.E. Cummings wrote those lines, he had intended to put words to your hazy feelings because he knew you wouldn't be able to.
You'd love to either forget about your ex completely—for it would prevent you from flinching each time Joshua, your new roommate, talks to someone a bit louder on the phone when he's excited. Your heart picks up pace for the slightest movement, and you do calm yourself down by tapping your chest gently and reminding yourself that no one is yelling at you from their office. But it would be better if your body hadn't wired itself to react this way each time you hear your roommate's voice.
Or, you'd fancy recalling him fully—for it would prevent your guard from slipping up each time Joshua is able to sweet talk you into a conversation over morning coffee. While living with your ex, you had to learn it the hard way that whatever you say could be molded in a manner that'd support his arguments against you. A simple suggestion about the color of his tie would translate into 'I never say shit about the way you dress, which mind you is so inappropriate for most occasions, then why the fuck do you care about what I wear?' So you learnt to keep it in.
Joshua, however, has this persistent way of coaxing opinions out of you.
"What do you think would be the best route to reach there—bus or the subway?"
"Have you tried the ginger and carrot soup at Gianni's down the road? It's good, yeah?"
"What do you prefer—Halloween or Christmas?"
Each time you reply to him, it is slow, because you genuinely have forgotten how to answer without polishing your words over and over again until they loose all their edge. Your answers, as a result, are generic, shallow and boring.
But he listens to you regardless, his smile half hidden by his coffee cup.
You don't realize it then, but when you return to your room, you can feel your body bracing itself to play a game that might follow. A game where Joshua ultimately twists and uses your words against you or clutches on to something stupid you said and lets it marinate for ages until it turns into a sour excuse for a new argument.
That never happens.
All that dread lies heavy and unused in your gut.
The next mornings, you walk heavy with it, taking a seat on the couch where he joins you again. Each time, with a new set of questions.
One Sunday morning, Joshua finds you curled up on the lumpy bean-bag chair in that one spot in the balcony that receives the mellowest rays of the sun. Your skin, still damp from the shower and a thin layer of lotion, shimmers under the liquid gold of the late January sun. Your big doe eyes are narrowed with focus as you read from a little book with browning pages.
He finds the sight awfully cute, because right next to you are the little pots of the dainty flowers that he placed there fearing that excessive sun might cause damage to their translucent little bodies.
He thinks it's some cruel cosmic jokes that those tiny flowers—which are tangling in your hair as you read—are called 'bleeding hearts.'
"What are you reading?" He asks, leaning against the sliding door you left open.
You blink, clearing your throat and setting the book down before slowly answering.
"A collection of Emily Dickinson's poems."
That is an enough invitation for him. He drags a rug with his toe onto the balcony to sit by your feet.
"I love her poems," he says, "so simple yet so sensory. Which one's your favorite?"
"Uh," you straighten up, "I don't know…which one's yours?"
He notices how you deflect questions that might lead to some revelations; almost like you've trained yourself to.
But he doesn't push you into the spotlight. Too much sun causes the bleeding hearts flowers to shrivel up.
He takes your book from between your fingers, you easily let up. He turns the pages a bit before his eyes land on what he was searching for. He holds the book in front of his face and reads,
"It's this one—
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain.
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."
When he's done, he places the book back into your folded lap and smiles. The sun only lights up half your face, casting golden shadows on the other half. When you smile back, both your eyes squint under it's brightness. Your hair is still wet and cold from when you washed it in the morning, you tuck it behind your ear, feeling the damp tips graze the sensitive skin of your neck.
"I like this one though," you point to a poem you highlighted.
"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul—"
You pause abruptly, as if the words turned ridiculous the moment they left your mouth.
Joshua watches as you bite down on your lips, hard.
He gently tries to ease you out of whatever discomfort that has gripped you all of a sudden with the only thing he has access to right now—his words.
"That's a good one," he says, relaxing on his palms which are planted on the ground, "though wouldn't it feel weird to have something that has feathers sitting on your soul?"
Whatever ridiculousness you were feeling earlier about your words is nothing compared to the absurdity of his. Your lips escape the prison of your teeth with a short titter.
"What?" You can't help but laugh, surprised.
"No really," your laughter motivates him into further foolishness, "think about it. A bird fluttering in your chest, right here." He points straight to his heart. "As if the butterflies trespassing your stomach weren't invasive enough."
"Well, who said that your soul resides here." You reach forward, punching an index finger where his heart beats in the center of his ribs, "It could be anywhere, on your shoulders, in your gut, in your spine?"
Joshua immaturely glances down to his crotch, his smirk playfully suggestive.
You swat him with the book in your hand, "Yeah maybe even in your dick!"
You're both laughing too hard now, the sound of it echoing throughout the apartment which only amplifies it, as if it had been longing to hear something as pure as that.
The conversation carries over onto a better part of the next hour and when your stomach growls, Joshua places an order for a giant pizza pie.
His fingers loop the stretched out string of melted cheese over the slice, he dusts it with more seasoning before taking a giant bite. An impatient talker, he doesn't wait to chew it full before asking you, "Your turn, I told you about my favorite sappy poem on love, now you tell me what's yours."
You laugh at the piece of pepperoni that sticks to his chin, handing him a napkin.
"My favorite poem about love?" You repeat, "I don't remember it word to word."
"Well, then tell me about the essence of it."
You suck in a deep breath, wiping crumbs off the corner of your lips as you gaze in a distance, unsure if you even believe in the essence of your favorite sonnet anymore.
You begin regardless, "It's a sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, it goes something like…'If you must love me, let it be for nothing except for love's sake only. Don't tell me you love my smile, my looks, my voice, because these are the things that will change for you, for time, for the lives I live…but love me for love's sake which is evermore because then your love will live on through the inherent eternity of it'."
Joshua stays silent, chewing at the last bit of his food thoughtfully. Then, he takes a swig of the soda, it still does nothing to unclog this strange pain that has lodged in his throat.
The more the silent stretches, the more fidgety you get—did you say something you shouldn't have?
Before you can doubt your words to death, Joshua speaks up, "that's a beautiful notion…I can see why it's your favorite."
"You can?"
"Yeah," he nods with an easy smile, "I still don't know much about you but from what I've seen, you seem like the type of person who believes in the deeper, more steadier things in life."
"I…uh I guess I do." You agree, thinking about all the times you stayed long after you should have left—jobs, cities, people, versions of yourself—because you thought that something real would eventually settle into permanence if you just loved it correctly.
You continue to eat in silence, it feels comfortable for the first time. It's not stretched full of possibilities of discord, neither is it too hollow and soul less. It's just there…existing between you both, breathing with you.
You don't know what prompts you to say it, but you do regardless, not as scared of your words and what might they lead to as you were earlier.
"I like talking to you." You tell him, "it's comforting."
Joshua senses there's more that you want to say, so he doesn't conclude this conversation just yet.
"I know I'm not much of a talker, you must've noticed. And I hope I don't bore you…" you bite your lip.
He takes it as his cue to affirm you.
"You don't." He says, "Really, I enjoy talking to you just as much. That's why I'm here. Your views are so distinct from mine yet so simple that I often wonder how I never thought of it earlier?"
You give him a small, grateful smile. "I…I really want you to know that you should never hesitate to talk to me about anything, even if it seems like I'm out of it. It's just…things were weird between me and the guy who lived here before you."
Your ex, Joshua wants to finish for you because he knows—the landlord told him about all the complaints about the screaming and then some more about the pin-drop silence that'd follow for days, worrying the neighbors further.
"He'd…he'd often punish me with silence if my words ever upset him, y'know?" You're not talking to Josh anymore, you're not even aware that you're talking.
"He wouldn't talk to me for days….and then when he would, it would almost always result in another fight. I was always walking on eggshells, worrying about the wrongness of my own words whenever I spoke."
Across from you, Joshua's heart shatters so loud. Too bad our bodies make no sound when they're rattled from within.
Your voice, already so soft and low, turns even smaller when weighed with embarrassment when you admit. "But it's not like that with you, I like talking to you."
Something about the way you close off your confession with the same sentence you started it with is profoundly poetic to Joshua. It makes him want to lean in, hold your face in one palm while pulling you closer to himself with the other and kiss you so hard and long that by the time you part, his lips have told you all that his tongue couldn't form the words around.
So he does exactly that.
Your lips respond automatically to him, your body opening up to allow him to slot you closer. Your hands slide over his, clutching onto his shoulders as you tilt your head to allow him to kiss you deeper. His tongue swipes across your bottom lip first, licking all the bruises from when you bite it too hard to stop yourself from speaking, then he pushes it into your mouth. The kiss is passionate, deep, fierce and unlike any first kisses you've had before. Joshua kisses you like it's second nature to him—unabashed and practiced.
You gasp a little, your mouth hanging limp when his fingers dig into your waist, he uses that opportunity to smooch you even deeper.
Just like the late noon's sun, the kiss does turn mellow after sometime. But you both don't stop entirely—still licking, tasting, pecking each other while he whispers sweet nothings against your swollen lips.
When you have to part, your entire body tingles with the memory of the stable press of him. But you don't take it further, and as much as his eyes burn with raw desire, neither does he. He gently walks you back to your room, tucks you to bed, making sure to tell you to sleep tight and dream well.
Though that night, after he leaves, sleep does not come easily to you. Your body feels tired in a way that isn't restless, but your mind keeps returning to the way Joshua listened to you, looked at you, touched you. So gentle, so careful, as if he were afraid of startling something fragile into flight.
You don't feel disrespected by it, you cherish that softness because you've been so starved of it. Sometimes, one does need to hear the simpler things and be treated with gentleness because of the fragile humanity that thumps within us—it's breakable, prone to bruise and scars.
You lie on your back, staring at the ceiling where paint still peels in thin crescents. The room feels different now, ever so slightly altered. As if someone had cracked open a window somewhere that you couldn't unbolt yourself.
For the first time in months, silence doesn't feel like punishment. It feels like what it's ought to be—rest.
Little flowers blossom around a cold grave. When they brush against it, it's not substantially warm, but it's something.
Things turn slightly awkward between you and Joshua after that evening. It's not that you don't speak, but you skim around the beast that slumbers between you, almost like both of you are waiting for the other person to approach it first.
That beast, that you've come to call 'desire', does crack it's eyes open here and there. Almost mischievously. It peeks at you when Joshua takes a sip from the coffee cup you were drinking out of. It sighs when your chest accidentally brushes against his back while grabbing a plate from the cabinet.
It's there, whipping the air with it's pointed tail when you bump into Joshua in nothing but your towel outside of your shared bathroom because you thought you were alone in the apartment.
"J-Josh…I uh, didn't you have a date today?" you stammer, your fingers tightening over the bunched up fabric over your chest. It makes the towel droop down your back. You scramble to wrap it around yourself, not daring to look at the heat you glimpsed in his eyes as you flash him for a brief second.
"I cancelled. Didn't want to spend Valentine's with a stranger." He helps you by grabbing it for you, and winding it around you…slowly, painfully.
Then, his fingers bring one end of it to tuck it between your cleavage, staying there for far too long.
"Here," he whispers, dangerously close to your face, fingers still gripping the towel with this heady possessiveness.
Eternities pass. The distance grows shorter, just by an inch.
He whispers, so low that you think you dreamt it, "Have I ever told you just how beautiful you are?"
Finally, you get the courage to look up at him. The shadows on his face aren't the ones inflicted by the lights in the room. They rise from something hotter, something that doesn't burn, but melts. Like the molten core of the Earth and all the life that is.
"Yes," you breathe, holding his eyes, "yes you've told me that."
He has, once…twice…thrice…you've lost count. But each time you come out of your bedroom, ready for work or just a day-in in general, he compliments you one way or the other.
Your fingers shake when they loop over his fingers that are clutching the towel tight to your chest. You give him a gentle squeeze before removing them from your body. When his hands leave contact with your skin, the towel comes off too, pooling around your ankles with a soft swoosh.
"But I'd love for you to tell me again."
'When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep.' — Kahlil Gibran
Joshua's eyes turn inky black, predatory, carnal…almost as if the beast has finally gotten under his skin, possessed him fully—the boy with the sweet words, who now groans as he greedily fills his hands with your naked flesh and pulls you flush to his chest.
Shocked as you are by this uncharacteristic harshness, your lips part as he kisses you rough. Your head spins leaving you gasping for breath. But Joshua's tongue, hot and determined, doesn't leave you any room for that as he begins walking backward and pulling…no, dragging you, tangled with his body, towards the couch in the living room.
The couch where he asks you about your day after work, the couch where you had a marvel marathon with him just last Saturday…the same couch where he now pulls you into his lap—still fully clothed while you, bare and cold, grind against the growing hardness in his crotch.
When he pulls his lips apart from you, and air reaches your brain, the first emotion that surges within you is shame chased down with a painful pang of panic to cover yourself up.
Your eyes widen, but his palms are already smoothing down under your arms as he pierces the skin on your neck with his teeth, soothing the bruise with his hot tongue when you yelp his name.
And just like that, all the shame flushes out of your system as you begin moaning for more.
"Josh," you say his name—first like a question, then like a prayer. "Oh, Joshua…"
"Tell me that you want this," he demands, snaking his fingers between your crushed bodies to massage your thighs, dangerously close to where you throb for him the most.
Hot desire arrows through your body along with fury, the beast leaping off his skin to settle onto yours.
Panting and painfully aroused, you rake your nails down his forearms and bite his lower lip, hard.
"I need this."
"Fuck," he mutters, sucking onto the curve of your breast. Your fingers fumble over the top buttons of his shirt meanwhile he begins flicking them with ease from down below. Once they're undone, you don't even wait for him to take his shirt off fully before latching onto the curve of his neck, peppering needy kisses over his chest, his throat and exploring all the hard lines of him.
He watches you salivate over his body as his fingers explore yours. His thumbs press over the dips of your hips, his fingers splaying over your thighs to spread your folds for his eyes. You gasp when the air stimulates your sensitive nerves.
"Say something," you say softly, "anything…I need to hear your voice."
His hand slides into your wet hair, wrapping it around his fingers and pulling your head back. "I wanna fuck you," he murmurs, "I wanna fuck you so hard, over and over again. Fast and deep while you plead for more."
Actually passing out, you realize, is a possibility tonight. Your entire body shakes with lust.
"Make me scream." You ask him, too innocently.
"Oh, I will." He says, "I've been dying to hear what all sounds you make when you're being touched in all the right places. Tell me you deserve this."
Your eyes flicker from his demanding ones down to the fingers which are now working on his belt.
"I deserve this," you tell yourself, nearly drooling when he manages to free himself from the restraints of his clothes. His cock is hard and girthy, the tip of it an angry shade of red as it pokes your lower abdomen. "I deserve this."
"I wish you could see how you look right now," he hums, snaking an arm across your waist and leveraging it to lift you until your dripping wet right across his cock.
He runs it across your cunt a few times, gathering your slickness and making you hiss at the blunt pressure that it massages your core with. When he circles your clit with his dick and his fingers, you feel like you might come undone just like that.
"This is yours," he tells you, finally showing mercy on your fluttering folds to instead push himself—just the head—inside of your tight heat.
Your entire body jerks at the stretch. You try to breathe, try to relax your hips, but the burning sensation leaves you slumping over his strong shoulder with your mouth hanging limp.
You feel his hand dip down to grab your ass to help you move better, while his free one pats your hair, "Come on, you can do better than this."
You suck in a sharp breath, beginning to lower yourself at his encouragements.
"There we go," he grunts, through gritted teeth, trying his best not to shove all enormous length of him inside of you at once. "Good girl, so fucking good for me."
A maddening sensations takes over your body at his filthy words, at the stretch that comes from having all of him buried deep inside of you, at the feeling of your softness against his hard hips. A sob tears through your lips and you deliberately mash your bodies closer to his, hugging him tight because every inch of you needs to feel the steady weight of him.
"Sh, baby, I know." He says, using both his palms to help you lift up, just a little, before pushing you back down.
He repeats that motion—over and over again, sometimes slow and predictable, sometimes pushing you deeper than you anticipate—until you get used to his size. And once you feel confident about maintaining a rhythm that satisfies you both, you find your sobs thinning out into needy moans.
You make out with him, holding onto his shoulders while riding him impatiently. He tries to adjust you to his pace by thrusting upwards, dulling the ache in your knees as he meets you halfway. His hands keep fondling you, pinching you sometimes or just grabbing in general.
Every movement of his hips sends the engorged head of his cock to rub against a specific spot inside your gummy walls and each time he hits it, you tighten around him, almost suspending for a full moment before the torture resumes over and over again.
One of his palms is now sliding between your conjoined bodies to find your clit which he begins flicking at first before switching to rub harsh, desperate circles, making you writhe and beg for something, anything. Your breasts sway wild against his chest and he squeezes you tighter to himself, almost like he's preparing you to burst.
And burst, you do. You spasm around him with pulsating waves, a string of incoherence slipping out of your swollen, sodden lips. His entire crotch is drenched with your arousal and sweat as you come over him, slinking against his body.
Despite the heaviness that tugs at you, you try to match his passion as he continues plummeting inside of you, now chasing his own high with desperate moans and erratic thrusts. You squeeze his cock as hard as you can, sucking at his exposed neck until he grunts.
He pulls out of you reluctantly and jerks his slick length between you both until thick, hot spurts of his release sully you both. You feel him cum all over your bare cunt, your abdomen, his own fingers and abs…and there's so much of it, you can't peel your eyes away, staring as he moans and blabbers while coming.
"Josh, you're so messy…" you whine, not complaining even a bit.
Joshua's eyes squeeze shut, tight, his head falling limp against the couch. You give him one last, hot kiss, open mouthed and wet. He's barely able to return it in his fucked out daze, but you're already pulling away and sliding down on the floor. Still naked, still stained with him.
"I've always been the roommate who has to clean up after, right?" You bat your lashes at him when he blinks at you, confused. His fingers thread in your hair regardless, massaging your scalp lazily.
You place your hands over his knees, cajoling him to part them for you. And when he obeys, you press your tongue flat over all the mess he made. You lick him clean—all of his skin—even taking his fingers between your own and sucking the cum off of them.
By the time you're done with this debauched act, he's hard all over again.
You help him with that too, exactly like that, on your knees where you stay with your head bobbing between his legs again and again until he has fully given you everything. Until your throat feels disgustingly warm and overused.
And then, with whatever little energy he has left in him, he pulls you up, somehow slotting you against himself on the tiny, stained couch. You surrender to slumber before you can even make sense of what just happened.
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permanent tags: (valentines tags in subsequent reblogs)
summary: your ex-fiance is getting married and everyone you know is going to be there. when he calls to ask if you're coming, you accidentally mention a boyfriend. which would be fine, if you weren't very single. thankfully your best friend comes through with the perfect solution when he sets you up with a friend of his. what could possibly go wrong?
pairing: joshua x f.reader
genre: fake dating, strangers to friends to ?? | fluff, slight angst, smut
rating: explicit, minors DNI
word count: ~22.1k
notes/warnings: johnny suh as the ex-fiancee (sorry, he's not great in this), other idols born in '95 used as background characters, mentions of past cheating, food & alcohol, lots of "dates", reader is referenced as coming from a rich family, mention of being an escort (minus the sex?)
smut warnings: making out, multiple smut scenes (kind of, it could be a continuation), multiple orgasms, teasing, they're both v obsessed with each other's bodies, protected sex, fingering, nipple play, oral sex (f. receiving), scratching/marking, squirting, overstimulation, use of lube, i think that's it (but let me know if it's not)
author's note: this fic is dedicated to the lovely @shuadotcom, i'm so sorry it took me literal months to finish fake dating!joshua but here we are anyway. i'm not sure how this one got so away from me either lmao. banner credit to the beautiful @wongyuseokie who (again) did this very last minute. thank you to @wonwussy & @kwanisms for the mid-fic beta. thank you to @wooahaeproductions, @horanghater, @cheolism, & @hannieween for listening to me talk about this and helping with things like petnames & dates.
taglist at the end (& join my permanent taglist here)
“It’s fine, it’s been years and I’m over it. Plus, I’ve been seeing someone anyway and he’s great. So I wasn’t ignoring your invite,” you say without a second thought.
It’s just a stream of consciousness. The lie comes flying out of your mouth faster than your brain can process it. That’s exactly what it is, too. A lie. You’re not seeing anyone and haven’t been in a serious relationship since the person on the other end of the call broke your heart.
“Oh, wow, sorry, I didn’t mean to…well, I didn’t know. My mom didn’t say anything when she said she had spoken to your mom about whether or not you were coming to the wedding,” Johnny says with a little bit of ramble.
“You know how my mom can be, I haven’t had the chance to tell her yet,” you deflect.
“I’m happy for you, then,” Johnny says.
“Thanks, I’m happy for you, too,” you force out. Somehow, it doesn’t sound like the lie you know that it is.
“So, it’s not weird, then? I mean our moms are best friends, so the rest of your family is all going to be there. A lot of your friends will be there. I know you haven’t RSVP’d yet, but…” Johnny starts.
“Nope! Not weird at all,” you utter, hoping that your voice sounds even. “It’d be weirder if I wasn’t there, right?”
“Probably, yeah,” Johnny says. “That’s great, though. Do you want me to mark you down as a yes? I can even add a plus-one, if you want to bring your partner.”
“That’s so thoughtful, but I wouldn’t want to put you out. I know how expensive weddings can be,” you say and try to sound sincere.
“No, it’s no issue, actually. We have a few extra seats that we left just in case we forgot someone or didn’t know about someone’s partner,” Johnny presses. “So we’ll see you both there?”
“Yeah, you will,” you hurry out. This conversation needs to be over.
It’s only an hour after hanging up with your ex-fiancee that your mom calls to tell you she can’t believe she had to hear it from Mrs. Suh that you’re dating someone. Which includes a whole lot of deflecting and promises about when she can meet this mystery man. Another twenty minutes after you hang up with your mom, you get a pointed text from your younger sister. The two of you haven’t ever been all that close, so she shouldn’t be surprised that you haven’t mentioned him. She made her side pretty clear when she maintained her friendship with Johnny’s new fiancée. That new fiancee, a close friend of your sisters, also just so happened to be the girl he cheated on you with. So, she can hardly expect to have a close sister bond. Yet, she seems oddly suspicious that she didn’t know you were seeing someone seriously.
Your quiet Saturday afternoon turns into a full blown headache all thanks to one call from the asshole that you really thought you left in the past. Of course, now is the perfect time for him to pop back up. Now, when you’re even between any sort of casual sex. Now, when you don’t even have someone that you can call up to pretend to date you. This is going to be one of the worst calls that you have to make when you have to admit you made it all up, that you will absolutely not be showing your face at the wedding, and you will also be changing your name before moving away.
For now, you do the only thing that you can think of doing. You call the only person that can give you any perspective on this whole fucking disaster.
“Well hello,” your best friend answers.
“Jeonghan, I fucked up,” you say without preamble.
“This is gonna be good,” he responds.
“I just got off the phone with my mom,” you begin.
“What did she want?” he asks, knowing that it won’t be anything good.
“Well, you know, to talk about this new boyfriend of mine,” you continue.
“You haven’t dated anyone in forever,” Jeonghan chuckles.
“Thank you for that,” you snark. “And then, of course, I get a text from my perfect sister wondering why she’s also just hearing about this boyfriend of mine.”
“Why do your sister and your mom think you’re dating someone?” Jeonghan asks.
“Oh, well, you know. Johnny called today,” you offer.
“Fuck that guy,” Jeonghan interjects.
“He wanted to know why I hadn’t responded to his wedding invite and assumed it was awkward because I was single, so I told him I was seeing someone,” you finally finish.
“For fuck’s sake,” Jeonghan says into the silence and you can imagine his face.
“Right? My life is a fucking mess and now Johnny thinks that I’m bringing my boyfriend,” you groan.
“I’ll start planning the story for why you suddenly left town,” Jeonghan says.
“For real, my life is over,” you whine.
“What are you gonna do?” Jeonghan asks softly.
This is really why you called him. Jeonghan is a shithead, sometimes, and he can be a bit of a chaos demon. He also can be a bit of a schemer, especially when it comes to winning a game. But, he’s unfailingly kind and caring to the people he holds dear. He absolutely hates getting into any kind of real conflict with his friends. There’s that whole side to him that honestly wouldn’t hurt a fly and always has a way to comfort. That’s the side that you get now.
“I don’t know,” you answer, voice just as quiet. “I’m just…I don’t want to let him win, you know?”
And Jeonghan does know. You’ve been friends since before you started dating Johnny. Even though he never liked him, Jeonghan supported you in your relationship. When Johnny proposed, he called your other friends and set up the best engagement party anyone could ask for. From the outside, nobody would ever know that he hated your partner. Honestly, he’s the best friend anyone in the world could ask for.
Before he got around to setting up the bridal shower, which he’d been quietly planning for months, your whole world turned upside down. Johnny cheated, had been cheating awhile, actually, and Jeonghan was there to pick up the pieces. Somehow, he was the only one that seemed to make it better, probably because he didn’t want to act like things were okay when they weren’t. It was easy to cry in front of him, easy to be vulnerable, easy to just let the process play out so you could heal. Even though he never liked Johnny, he also didn’t say he told you so. This had never been something that crossed his mind.
“Okay, you’re gonna hate it, but I have an idea,” Jeonghan says.
“Those are never comforting words coming from you,” slips out of your mouth.
“Usually I’d yell at you, but…” he trails off.
“I swear, if you’re about to say that we pretend to be dating like some romcom, I will hang up the phone,” you warn.
“First of all, that’s rude, I’m a great boyfriend,” Jeonghan says.
“I never said you weren’t, Hannie, you know I think you’re gorgeous,” you sigh.
“That’s true, I am,” Jeonghan says through a laugh.
“But, I also know you remember what an unmitigated disaster it was when we fucked,” you point out, earning an even louder laugh.
“Wow, and here I thought that it was actually great sex,” he says.
“I’m not gonna keep stroking your ego, I already admitted you were gorgeous. I don’t need to praise the sex, too,” you declare.
“Stroking my…come on, you’re making it too easy,” Jeonghan points out.
“Funny, because I remember you being the easy one that night,” you say, finally managing to get a shot in.
“I hate you,” Jeonghan snorts.
“I know,” you answer. “Didn’t you say that you had an idea?”
Jeonghan clears his throat. “Right, yeah. Well, I know this guy and maybe he can help you out.”
“What is he, an escort?” you snort out.
“Do you want my help or not?” Jeonghan asks.
“Yoon Jeonghan, are you about to set me up with an escort?” you challenge.
“No, of course not, just trust me,” he says.
Just trust me might be the three most terrifying words that could come out of Jeonghan’s mouth, especially when you’re not usually on the receiving end of his schemes. It’s not like you have much choice, though. The wedding is in six weeks and you have to find a solution, fast. So, what choice do you have other than trusting your best friend? How could this go wrong?
You still think this is a terrible idea, yet agree to meet Jeonghan’s friend, Joshua, anyway. Apparently, he’s somewhat new to the area, doesn’t know many people, and is incredibly easy to be around. There’s no mention of why Jeonghan thinks he might be willing to pretend to be your boyfriend. A part of you wonders if your friend even told him, but he’s not that cruel. So, whatever the case, Joshua must at least have some idea of what he’s walking into.
Several days pass between the nightmare of a call from Johnny and you actually meeting Joshua, which only adds to your anxiety about whether or not this is going to work. Johnny is asking for a name for the seating chart and for dinner selections. Your mom wants to know when they’ll be able to meet this new boyfriend before the wedding (because “meeting him for the first time at a wedding is gauche” and we wouldn’t want that). Your sister is convinced that he doesn’t actually exist since you haven’t posted him on social media. That you can at least answer to say that not everyone posts their entire life online like she does. It doesn’t seem to allay her suspicions, though.
Then, there’s the fact that you’re actually meeting Joshua for the first time at dinner. All you wanted was to go for coffee, yet he insisted. You couldn’t exactly press the point. Not when you’re planning to ask this stranger to pretend to date you just so that you can avoid the embarrassment at your ex’s wedding. On top of that, because Jeonghan really is a demon at his core, you don’t know what Joshua looks like. Don’t know who to look for. Which leads to you doing the only sensible thing and showing up 5 minutes late for dinner, hoping that he’ll already be at the table when you get there.
It works.
When you give the reservation name at the host stand, you’re immediately led back to a table. Without even thinking about it, you smooth your hands down the front of your dress, looking for a small amount of comfort in this situation. It’s not even that you struggle around new people, this is just…well, it’s a lot. It’s out of anyone’s comfort zone. Whatever you’re expecting, it’s not the man sitting at the table the host leads you to. He nearly stops you in your tracks.
His black hair is perfectly styled down to the pieces on one side that come down over his forehead. The black dress shirt he wears is open at least one button too many, but he makes the exposed chest look work in a way models would envy. Even though his pants are black as well, he makes it look classic and effortless, rather than too dark. That’s all without even acknowledging the soft smile on his face. This man would break a thousand hearts without even saying a damn word. While you’re appreciating him, you miss the way his eyes rake over you appreciatively. Miss the way his eyes trace your curves and the way the dress clings to you.
In one fluid motion, he’s standing up to greet you, a gentle kiss placed on your cheek. Is it weird if your knees are a little weak? Well, even if it is, there’s nothing you can do. You’re completely captivated.
“You must be Joshua,” you say. Brilliant, you think. That’s obvious.
“It’s nice to meet you. Jeonghan had nothing but good things to say,” he answers with another smile as he pulls your seat out for you.
“I feel like he hardly told me about you,” you respond. Joshua raises a perfect eyebrow at that.
“Then why did you agree to go out with me?” Joshua asks.
“Go out with…is this a date?” The question comes tumbling out.
Joshua’s eyes widen in genuine confusion. “Is it not?”
“What, exactly, did Jeonghan say to you?”
A lot and nothing at all, it turns out. Joshua tells you about how he’s somewhat new to the area, which you knew. About how he met Jeonghan through work, kind of. They work in the same building doing very different things and happened to run into each other getting coffee a handful of times before Jeonghan introduced himself. The two had hung out several times, something Jeonghan had not really mentioned, and gotten to know each other over drinks more than once. The very first time, Jeonghan had mentioned you and Joshua admits immediately being intrigued without pressing for more information.
In any case, Jeonghan talked about you pretty freely, a fact that’s hardly surprising. Before Joshua texted you, Jeonghan had mentioned, in what Joshua calls an offhand way, that you were sick of dating the same people. According to Joshua, through Jeonghan, you were looking to possibly be set up. (Read: Jeonghan thinks he’s crafty and isn’t going to come out and tell this man what you’re really looking for. Typical Jeonghan, honestly. You know that “offhand comment” was anything but. And you had the audacity to think Jeonghan would have to tell Joshua what he’s getting into. Rookie move.)
Now you’re in a bit of an awkward situation because this man is honestly gorgeous, one of the prettiest humans you’ve ever met. And, already, he seems like he might be sweet with a pretty good sense of humor. It’s just…well, you’re absolutely not looking for a relationship and this is the last person you want to get involved in your mess. Thankfully, you get a moment to catch your breath when someone comes by to take a drink order and suggest an appetizer. It’s just enough time for you to talk yourself into telling Joshua the real story.
To his credit, he only looks mildly surprised as you outline your whole situation, inform him that yes, Jeonghan does know all of this, and clarify why you didn’t actually realize it was a date. It’s hard to miss the way his eyes seem to sparkle a bit when you also admit that he’s absolutely stunning in a way that hurts your feelings. Easier to miss is the way his face barely falls when you say that you’re not actually looking for something right now. Interesting.
“So that’s the whole thing and now that I’ve embarrassed myself in front of you, I’m sure you’ll understand if we never see each other after tonight,” you finish.
“How am I supposed to go to a wedding as your boyfriend in a matter of weeks if we don’t see each other after tonight?” Joshua wonders.
“I…what?” you sputter out.
“Well, sure, we need to work out a few details, but I’m game,” Joshua says with a shrug.
“I’m sorry, I think I’m just really confused?” You don’t even have food yet and this is already the most interesting date you’ve been on, possibly ever.
“I, uh, may have left a part of my past out when I was sharing what Jeonghan knew about me,” Joshua says. “And honestly, I can’t believe I didn’t catch it or that he did this. I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed by how crafty it was.”
“I’m going to need you to connect some dots for me,” you admit. “Oh and also never tell Jeonghan you appreciate him being crafty. His ego is too big as it is.”
“The first time Jeonghan and I hung out, we went out for drinks, got a little wasted, and I told him about how I got through my university studies without any debts,” Joshua says, pausing long enough for someone to set the appetizer down. “He’s observant, Jeonghan, I’ll give him that. He noticed I had designer clothes, shoes, that kind of thing. And he noticed I didn’t pay attention to the prices of the drinks. So I made a vague comment about being lucky to have found a way through my studies without taking out loans.”
“I’m sure he asked you about that, he loves it when he thinks there’s a scheme,” you note with a smile.
“You’re right about that,” Joshua agrees. “So I, well I told him. When I was in school, I met this woman out one night and she paid me to go to events with her. She wanted, and these were her words, ‘someone young and hot’ with her. And the next four years, that’s what I did. I let people pay for me to go to events with them. Never more than that. I was clear that I wasn’t selling sex or anything, just company.”
You lean back in your seat with an appraising look. “An entrepreneur from the beginning.”
“Hey, no judgment,” Joshua says. All you can do is smile.
“I’m not judging, that was really smart and you’re obviously attractive enough for it,” you acknowledge.
“Thank you,” Joshua says. It doesn’t have the air of cockiness Jeonghan’s answer would. He actually seems sincere in accepting the compliment.
“But, I’m still not going to pay you to pretend to be my boyfriend,” you say, even if it’s a bit reluctant.
“I wasn’t asking you to,” Joshua shrugs. “You don’t have to pay me.”
“Why would you offer to pretend to do something like this? You don’t even know me,” you point out.
“No, I don’t. But, you seem like a good person. And I like Jeonghan, he’s nice…” Joshua says, stopping when you try to cover a scoff.
“Nice?” you question when you’re caught.
“Wrong word choice,” Joshua dismisses. “He seems like the kind of person that’s a loyal friend, like he would go into battle to protect you. Like someone you can actually trust.”
“He is all of those things, yeah,” you admit.
“And if those things are true, then him holding you out as his best friend means you’re probably all of those things too,” Joshua reasons.
“I try to be,” you agree.
“Plus, Jeonghan did mention you had seriously dated someone that was pretty rich, so I figure it’s probably the guy getting married and it’ll be a nice wedding,” Joshua says with a smile. The joke is obvious by the look in his eyes.
“It’s interesting that he mentioned Johnny, that’s my ex, being rich,” you idly comment.
“Is he not?” Joshua wonders.
“Jeonghan is a lot of things, but he’d never lie to his friends,” you answer first. “So, yeah, he is. Well, his family is at least. His mom and mine run a lot of events together, like galas and shit. That’s how we all know each other.”
“Are you rich, too?” Joshua wonders. There’s that little twinkle of something in his eyes again, but there’s also sincerity.
“I’m still not paying you,” you retort.
“Fine,” Joshua agrees.
You roll your eyes. “Okay, so what’s the plan?”
There’s a weird world’s colliding feeling to having both Jeonghan and Joshua in your apartment. But, Jeonghan doesn’t like to be left out of things. Once you told him that you and Joshua both knew about his scheming, he offered to help in any way he could. Which is likely just so he’s included. You’ll take what you can get. Now, it means that he and Joshua are sitting on your couch, scrolling through pictures on Joshua’s phone to decide what to include in an instagram post. That’s the first step you and Joshua agreed on. If you’re going to sell this whole fake relationship, then your sister actually is right. There has to be some sort of proof of it online. Which also means that your post has to talk about how you’ve been keeping it quiet and just enjoying getting to know each other without any pressure. Jeonghan takes credit for that, even if you got there on your own.
“I think I like this one,” Jeonghan says and turns the phone around to show you.
“Why that one?” you ask.
“Why not? Don’t you like it?” Joshua worries.
“I don’t know, I feel like my hand is doing something weird,” you point out.
“You look great,” Joshua assures you.
“Oh, ew, you’re not really dating,” Jeonghan complains.
“You do know you’re going to have to stop saying that, right?” you ask.
“Maybe I didn’t know either,” Jeonghan shrugs.
“No, I’m with her, you’re her best friend and you definitely would’ve known,” Joshua agrees.
“Why are you on her side already?” Jeonghan whines.
“Because she’s cool and she’s not the one who knew what I did in college and set me up,” Joshua says with a laugh.
This is how it’s been going for the last hour. You’re not really much for putting a lot of effort into your posts, so this all feels like too much. But, you know that it’s important for it to feel real and it’s important to get it right. You’re honestly pretty happy to just let the guys take the lead and go with the flow of it all. There are going to be plenty of opportunities for you to take the lead. You’re going to take your breaks where you can.
(That had also meant not putting up too much of a fight when Jeonghan told you to bring multiple outfits with you. Or when you had to change your hairstyle and makeup between the photos so it looked like they hadn’t all been taken the same day. Honestly, this was so much easier for Joshua. Then again, he’s the one doing you a favor. So maybe you can let him have it.)
After you finally get your couple pictures posted, and get a flurry of messages ranging from surprise to congratulations, you move onto preparing Joshua to meet your parents, your sister, and her husband. Jeonghan is actually a lot of help with that because he’s been around them a lot. Well, he’s helpful after he tries to scare Joshua about how intimidating it’s going to be only to give up when Joshua is unbothered. He’s so calm about everything that it’s actually kind of nice to be around. And he has no problem firing back at Jeonghan, which is really fun to watch.
You go through what your parents are like, what they do both for work and as hobbies. Joshua perks up at the mention of your dad loving music and sometimes spending his weekends just exploring new venues. It seems like there might be more to that, though you don’t press when he waves it off. It’s different when you talk about your sister, two years younger and already married. Not that you’re dying to be married or even care that she got married before you. That’s always seemed like a weird societal expectation, anyway. What does it matter when anyone gets married? If it’s their right person, then it makes sense. You being upset over your failed engagement really doesn’t have anything to do with your sister’s marriage, despite her instance it does.
It becomes obvious that you’re losing Jeonghan’s attention when you turn down his request to start playing games or watch a movie. It’s not that you don’t want to do those things, it’s just that you have a lot to cover in far less time than you realized. Sure, the wedding is still weeks away. What’s not weeks away is your first dinner with your family. That’s going to be around the corner. The least you could do, you figured, was plan a time before posting pictures on instagram. So, Jeonghan asks if it’s okay to leave and you almost sigh in relief. This will be easier without an extra person.
“Not to pry, but what’s the deal with you and Jeonghan?” Joshua asks when you settle back on the couch with a glass of wine.
“What do you mean?” you ask.
“I don’t know, I feel like I was picking up on something,” Joshua shrugs.
“We’re really just friends,” you assure him.
“Sometimes those are the best…” Joshua starts.
“Don’t,” you cut off. He worries for a second before he realizes you’re smiling. “We did try. Not so much a try, I guess, but we slept together maybe 6 months after Johnny and I broke it off and it just wasn’t it.”
“You and him slept together?” Joshua questions.
“Is that weird for you?” you ask.
“No, it’s just interesting that you’re still so close,” Joshua observes.
“I guess,” you say with a shrug. “He’s great, obviously attractive, but we just, I don’t know. I didn’t feel anything. Neither did he. So, staying friends seemed like the right choice.”
“Interesting,” is all Joshua says. “Have you dated anyone seriously since Johnny?”
“Not that seriously, no,” you admit. “I’ve gone on dates with different people and some of them stuck around for a bit, but nothing serious.”
“Not finding the right people?” Joshua presses.
“I just haven’t found anyone that made me feel like Johnny did at the beginning or even like I did when he proposed,” you say.
“I can understand that, even if I don’t really get it. You’re gorgeous, anyone would be lucky,” he says smoothly. You cover a blush with a slight eye roll.
“I guess that’s why most of my close friends will also believe that I kept a new relationship on the low. They saw me post-Johnny and have seen me try to date,” you share.
“Yeah that’s good for us, at least,” Joshua agrees.
“What about you, though? When was your last relationship?” you ask.
“Ah, well it’s been a little over a year,” Joshua says.
“Bad ending?” you wonder. You’re not sure why you press him on it.
“It wasn’t great,” Joshua says with a chuckle. “She, uh, well she decided that she just really would rather be with one of my friends than with me.”
“I’m so sorry you went through that,” you say, suddenly sorry.
“No, no, it’s fine,” he says. “She didn’t actually cheat on me, but she had started getting close to him and sharing everything with him.”
“Arguably worse, in my opinion. Emotional cheating is still a thing,” you say, trying to offer comfort.
“Thank you,” Joshua says. His eyes are soft and full of care. “And, like you, I have dated since then, just nothing worth talking about.”
It’s an easy transition from that into talking about your backgrounds. Like speed dating, except somehow more intense. You learn Joshua’s birthday, his parents names, that he’s an only child, and where he grew up. Nothing is too small and you joke about taking notes before you actually go to get a notebook. Joshua tells you his favorite color and his favorite food, tells you about his favorite memories, favorite places where he grew up, and favorite places he’s found since moving here. There’s a way that his face lights up when he talks about his friends that’s drawing you in. You tell him the same. That all feels a little surface level, which you point out. If this is going to work, it has to be deeper, more serious.
That’s when something seems to almost break down. Joshua suggests that you tell each other the deep stuff, the things that you don’t always admit to someone you’re dating. Or, maybe you admit it and don’t get into the reasons why. When Joshua goes first and admits that he’s happiest when he’s playing his guitar, even if nobody else is listening, his whole face changes. It’s like a completely different version of him. He’s got an open face as it is, that hasn’t changed, but you realize maybe he’s a little guarded behind the smile as well. Maybe there really is more depth than he wants anyone to realize. Maybe this is going to be more interesting than you thought.
“Can I hear you play?” you ask. His face is adorable with his eyes full of surprise.
“You want to hear me play?” There’s an emotion you can’t place when he looks at you.
“I love music, too, Joshua,” you say softly. “I’d love to see what you’re passionate about.”
“Oh, well, I usually play at this acoustic night on Thursdays at a coffee shop downtown,” Joshua tells you.
“You do? That’s so cute!” you say before second guessing it. He looks away like he’s a little embarrassed and you worry for a split second.
“I’d love it if you came by,” he says.
“It’s a shame that we can’t say that’s where we met,” you admit.
“Wait, that would be a good idea, actually,” Joshua says and you smile.
“It would be, but I also know events like that. It’s always a similar crowd so I’m sure someone will know that I’ve never been,” you reason.
“Fair point,” Joshua concedes.
“Why don’t we just say we met on a dating app?” you suggest and Joshua pulls up his face. “Okay, I know apps are lame and honestly, I don’t use them much. But, think about it. That’s the perfect reason why we didn’t bring it up until now, we didn’t want to answer the ‘where did you meet’ question by saying an app.”
“Okay, yeah, I do actually like that because it’s easy and it doesn’t feel like a wild story,” Joshua says.
“What about your parents?” you ask. “Do we need to make plans to meet them if you’re also posting about me?”
“We can figure that out, but they live pretty far away so it would probably just be over FaceTime or something,” he says.
“I also understand if you don’t want to do that because we’re just pretending,” you suggest.
“No, it’d be cool to have you meet them. Even if the relationship isn’t real, I’d like to be friends for real, so that’s not a total lie,” Joshua reasons.
“I’d like to be friends too,” you agree. “How long have you been living here, now?”
“Oh, um, like 8 months?” Joshua says like a question.
“I was figuring like a month or two with the way Jeonghan talks about you,” you laugh.
“You’ve been friends with him for years, you’re not actually surprised,” Joshua points out.
“Okay so now I guess we have to figure out when we started dating,” you comment.
“And everything else, but we can do it,” Joshua says.
You’re a little nervous sitting on your couch waiting for Joshua to show up. Even though you offered to pick him up for dinner with your family tonight, he insisted on being the one to drive. Of course he’s right on time, which you’re already realizing is a trait of his. He’s even a gentleman when he opens the door for you, just like he pulled the chair out the first time you met for the date-not-date. As you put your seatbelt on, you notice that there are a few things in the backseat.
“What’s all that?” you ask as he slides into the driver’s seat.
“Flowers for your mom, a bottle of scotch for your dad, and a cheese board for your sister because you said they just moved and she likes to host,” Joshua lists off as if it’s nothing.
“You did not have to get things for all of them,” you point out.
“Of course I did, but I also wanted to. I’m trying to make a good impression,” he says, making your heart a little light.
“That’s so kind,” you whisper out.
“Oh, I thought of something else,” Joshua shifts. You’re worried you made him uncomfortable until he speaks again. “Are you a pet name person in relationships?”
That makes you snort, something that would embarrass you in any other situation. It’s not the first time he’s heard it, though. “That depends on what you want to call me.”
“That’s a dangerous way to say that,” Joshua answers. His eyes are still on the road, yet you don’t miss the way he reacts.
“I don’t like overly cutesy names,” you say to diffuse a little bit of the moment. “Like, I don’t know, if you want to call me sugarplum or honeybunch or something like that, please don’t.”
“You’re just giving me ideas to take away my fun,” he pouts.
“Well, what were you thinking of calling me? Or are you even a pet name person?” you ask.
“I do like them,” Joshua says. “I’m not sure that I have a go-to or anything. For you, I might say angel or possibly darling.”
“I think I prefer angel, if I’m allowed to pick,” you say after a moment.
“Of course,” Joshua replies. Studying his face, you’re looking for a hint of mocking or insincerity, but there’s nothing to find. This is just him.
“Do you want me to use a pet name for you?” you wonder.
“I’d happily take one, no pressure, though,” he says.
“I’ll have to think about it,” you tell him. “Something generic like babe doesn’t feel right.”
“Are you saying I’m special?” Now you can hear the light teasing in his voice.
“I take it back, any more compliments are going to go to your head,” you huff out.
As you get closer to your parents’ house, you start to bounce your knee with an excess of nervous energy. It’s not until Joshua reaches a hand out to take one of yours that you’re even sure you’re doing it. There’s something calming about it, though. Nothing about him reaching out feels like he’s trying to stop you, just show that you’re not alone in this. Which is more than welcome. The last person you brought to meet your parents was Johnny. Given how that ended and why Joshua is around in the first place, it’s not exactly the most comforting thought.
Once you pull up to their house, you take a deep breath. It’s only to settle your rising nerves, but it also serves to give Joshua enough time to come and open your door. Even though you’ve told him that he doesn’t need to be this sweet, he insists. Without saying a word, he holds out a hand to help you out of the car. Instead of dropping your hand once you’re out, he uses it to pull you into him and wraps his arms around you. There’s this immediate sense of comfort, like you have actually been dating for months. You inhale his cologne without meaning to, something warm and woodsy.
“It’s going to be fine, parents love me,” he assures you when you pull away.
“I don’t doubt that,” you say, releasing the breath you were holding and your tension with it.
“So come on, my little granola wrapper, let’s go,” Joshua says as he lets you go to get the gifts out of his backseat.
It takes you a full few seconds to register what came out of his mouth. “I’m sorry, what did you just call me?”
“Is that not the one?” he asks, eyes alight with some kind of mischief.
“I’m not going to encourage this,” you huff.
“Whatever you say, jellybean,” he throws out casually.
The second you step into the house, you see exactly what Joshua means. Your mother is fawning over him in a matter of seconds, your father is making plans to show him his records, your sister’s husband is asking when they can go out for drinks, and your sister even holds back the snark. All during the course of the pre-dinner drinks and largely, you think, due to the gifts that Joshua brought. He had a reason for the meaning behind the type of flowers for your mother, a favorite musician who swore by the scotch for your dad, and even bought the cheese board from a small business that customized things.
Dinner comes along and you still feel like you’ve barely said anything with Joshua masterfully steering the conversation. He even makes it sound good that you met on an app, with his improvised story of wanting to meet people in a new city. According to him, he wasn’t expecting to meet someone like you and was done for the second he saw you sitting at dinner. It’s something real, that you met him for dinner the first time at a fancy downtown restaurant. And you realize you never actually asked what his impression was that first night. More than once, you catch yourself watching his profile as he talks to one of your family members. Everything about him is at ease and you wonder if it really is all fake. Not that you think anything about him is disingenuous, he’s just really good at making people like him.
The only hiccup doesn’t come until your mother is pulling out dessert. According to your sister, she’s got an excellent pie in the refrigerator that you simply have to try. You’re about to say something when Joshua beats you to it.
“I don’t think my little sugarplum likes fruit pies, but it sounds amazing and I’d love a piece,” Joshua interjects smoothly.
Your sister nearly spits out her drink, whether it’s at the nickname or him speaking up for you, you’re not sure. In any other situation, you would scold him for the name, but you’re a little stunned he remembers you don’t like pie. It came up once in a rapid fire of likes and dislikes.
“You’re right, she doesn’t,” your sister agrees. “I’d almost forgotten.”
(That’s when you’re sure it was another of your sister’s tests. Trying to catch you in some kind of lie about your relationship. But, it doesn’t work and you feel a little victorious for that.)
The doorbell rings through the house and you look to your mother, silently asking if she’s expecting someone. It’s unusual for them to have company calling this late on a Friday night. It’s usually reserved for dinners with friends or family or galas. Unsurprisingly, your mother doesn’t seem to know who it could be, but disappears to answer the door all the same. When a voice drifts through from the hallway, you freeze on the spot.
“I really just came by to drop that off for my mom, I didn’t realize it was so late. I’d hate to intrude on dessert,” the guest says.
“Nonsense, you’re not interrupting,” your mother insists.
“I saw an unfamiliar car, so I figured you might have guests,” he says as they come through the doorway into the living area.
Your heart stutters a little in your chest, feels heavier for seeing him. Somehow he looks taller and broader than the last time you saw him. He’s wearing his hair shorter and he looks more mature, somehow, like he’s seen so much more of the world than when you were together. Which is probably true, if you think about it. It’s been a couple years and that means he’s had more time working with his father.
“That would be my car,” Joshua says, getting to his feet immediately and extending his hand. “I’m Joshua.”
“Johnny,” he answers and shakes Joshua’s hand. Yet, his face looks a little tense and his eyes mostly stay on you.
“It’s just family,” your mother shares, though Johnny can obviously see that himself, “since our darling daughter finally brought Joshua around to meet us.”
“I’m glad she did, dinner was wonderful and the company was even better,” Joshua says with a smile at your mother. She nearly blushes at his compliment.
“Oh, hush,” your mother says with a wave of her hand. “I was just getting some pie if you’d like to stay for a piece, Johnny. Although, I’d hate to keep you from home.”
Joshua sits back down next to you, a little closer than is strictly necessary, and puts his arm along the back of the couch behind you. You feel safe pressed up against his side like that. Johnny clears his throat when he looks away from the pair of you. “Gabby has been out of town all week, actually, so I’m going back to an empty home anyway. I’d love to stay for a piece of your famous cherry pie.”
“Great!” your mother says and disappears off into the kitchen.
“What’s got Gabby away?” your sister asks.
“Just a conference,” Johnny answers. “There was a final banquet tonight and she’ll be home tomorrow.”
“She’s busy, away this week, bachelorette next weekend,” she says offhand.
“Keeping tabs on when everything is?” you ask of your sister. She looks at you like you’re crazy and Johnny looks awkward.
“No, I was invited to it,” your sister answers evenly.
Before you can even answer, Joshua is speaking up. Probably sensing your discomfort. After all, you hadn’t gotten to tell him that Johnny’s fiance is friends with your younger sister. They had gone to school together and been close. Stealing her sister’s fiancée doesn’t seem to have impacted the friendship.
“You must be excited with the big day getting so close,” Joshua says. He moves his arm from behind you so that he can take your hand on your thigh. It makes you look down at your hands before glancing at him, only to find his gaze on you already. It also means you miss the way Johnny follows the movement.
“Uh, yeah, I mean, I’m definitely excited. It’s just been a lot of planning,” Johnny says.
“I bet,” Joshua says. “Thank you so much for inviting me, I know how stressful changes can be.”
“It’s no problem, I’m happy you’ll both be there,” Johnny says.
With almost a practiced subtlety, Joshua squeezes your hand. There’s so much in that one movement. A reassurance, a reminder to breathe, a reminder that he’s there, a promise that everything is going to be okay. Your heart hurts seeing Johnny sitting in the living room so casually as if nothing happened, but it doesn’t hurt as much as you expected. Maybe that has something to do with this impossibly kind, completely idiotic person next to you. You also can’t help the way your gaze lands on him. Just in profile, at first, before he senses your look and turns to you with a dazzling smile. It’s like there’s nobody else in the world but the two of you.
The conversation shifts slightly when your mother comes back in with a tray full of pie slices and your father comes back with whatever record he was looking for to show Joshua. Just like that, you survive your first in-person interaction with Johnny. Actually come out of it feeling like you might be able to handle this. The smile you send Joshua while he’s eating his pie is so fond that you’re not even sure who you are.
“I can’t believe you didn’t call me last night,” Jeonghan says in lieu of a hello.
“Hello to you too, I’m good, thanks for asking,” you retort.
“Greetings are for people who remember their best friends, not for people who send a single sentence recap after bringing their fake boyfriend home to meet the family,” Jeonghan states immediately.
“That’s a very long rule,” you note.
“Deserved, though,” Jeonghan says.
“I was tired, Han, it was a long night,” you explain.
“A long night where your ex showed up,” he reminds you.
“That actually wasn’t so bad,” you admit. “Joshua made it feel pretty easy.”
“Oh did he now?”
You don’t have to be in the same room as Jeonghan to hear the expression on his face when he says that. “It was just easy, Jeonghan, nothing more than that.”
“What did your parents think?” he asks, switching gears.
“They loved him, like actually loved him. My mom was enamored and kept calling him handsome. My dad was talking about music with him and making plans to go check out some acoustic music venue. Even the ice queen couldn’t find anything to fault him for,” you share.
“She’s less of an ice queen and more of a mean girl and a bitch,” Jeonghan adds.
“You said it,” you mumble.
“I mean, come on, who thinks it’s okay for their friend to sleep with their sister’s fiancé? And then stays friends with the girl?” Jeonghan gets really defensive with this. He would ride for you to the ends of the world, which you do love. Just not today.
“I don’t wanna relive that whole thing, it’s done and over. Nothing to do now,” you say, weariness seeping into your voice.
“Would you want to do anything about it?” Jeonghan asks.
“What do you mean?” You answer the question with a question.
“Like would you want to go back to when you were with Johnny?” Jeonghan asks.
You think about it for half a second. “No.”
“That was fast,” Jeonghan comments.
“What’s there to go back to? He made his choice and I’m fine, honestly. It was weird seeing him and hearing him talk about his wedding, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought,” you say.
“Is that because of your Prince Charming?” Your best friend, always doing the most, puts this question into a sing-song voice.
“He’s not a Prince Charming. You’re so annoying,” you scoff.
“I don’t know, he sure seems to be saving you,” Jeonghan presses.
“I can’t with…” you start, trailing off at the knock on your door.
“Who’s there?” Jeonghan asks.
“No clue,” you answer, getting off your couch to go see.
“I bet it’s Prince Charming,” Jeonghan laughs out.
“Would you fuck…” you begin as you open the door to find the very subject of your conversation on the other side, “off.”
“I’m right aren’t I?” Jeonghan is nearly shrieking with glee.
“Sorry, gotta go,” you say.
“Oh no, no, no,” Jeonghan tries.
You’re stepping aside to let Joshua into your apartment. “I’ll see you tomorrow for brunch.”
“Let me know if I need to add one more to the reservation,” Jeonghan says.
“Goodbye,” you say with an eye roll Jeonghan can’t see, but will surely hear. You hang up as soon as he also says goodbye.
“Jeonghan?” Joshua guesses.
“Unfortunately,” you confirm.
“I hope I wasn’t interrupting,” Joshua says. It’s nothing like when someone says it out of forced courtesy. He actually seems like he’s making sure he’s not intruding.
“No, not at all, I just wasn’t expecting you,” you admit.
“Sometimes that’s the best time to come over,” Joshua says with a shrug.
“Does that mean you have a plan?” you wonder.
“Yup,” Joshua says.
“Gonna tell me what it is?” you ask.
“Nope,” he says with a concerning smile, popping the end of nope. “Go put on something comfortable but with layers. And we’re not going hiking or anything like that.”
An hour later, you’re pulling off the road in an area you’ve never been to, even with as long as you’ve lived here. The views are instantly enough to take your breath away. You can see the whole city below you, all the bustle of traffic and skyscrapers. Somewhere, you know there are people rushing to and fro, too busy to stop and appreciate what’s around them. Straight ahead, you can see the way the low clouds glide around, splitting around the very tops of the buildings. It’s beautiful and it also makes you realize just how small you are.
While you’ve been appreciating the views in front of you, Joshua has been gathering his supplies from the trunk. By the time you turn around, he’s laying a blanket and basket down on the ground in front of the car.
“Is this…did you set up a picnic?” you ask.
“I wanted to show you this place and figured some food might be nice,” he says with an easy smile.
“That’s so sweet,” you say earnestly.
You settle on the blanket next to him and look through the food he’s pulling out. There are some of your favorite things and some things you’re not even sure you’ve seen before. Somehow, though, you feel like they might become some of your new favorites. He even brought plates and he sets about putting one together for you to pick at.
Joshua tells you about how this is his favorite place and he found it completely by accident. He loves being down in the city and around all the people, but there’s something nice about seeing things from this perspective too. It’s like he can just disconnect for a while. Turn off his phone. Read or listen to music. Just be totally alone. It’s how he works through a problem or gets the perspective he needs.
“I can’t believe you’re sharing it with me,” you admit and his eyes light up with his smile.
“I just thought, after last night, you might appreciate having a place to get away from it all,” Joshua says.
You want to say something, anything, really, to acknowledge what Joshua just said. Try to say something. Your throat doesn’t want to cooperate, it seems. Your brain, either. In fact, all you can manage to do is turn away to hide the tears. Joshua is observant, though. He doesn’t say anything, just pulls you into his chest and runs his hand along your back. He quietly soothes you as you cry out a lot of emotions you didn’t even realize you were experiencing.
And something about him comforting you, this near stranger who doesn’t actually owe you anything, sets you off more. In the early days of your relationship with Johnny, you know it was good. It must have been. Surely, it was more than a relationship between two people who had known each other for years with families that were intertwined. You don’t remember it anymore. Don’t remember him ever holding you like this without even knowing what was wrong. Don’t remember him taking you on a date like this just because he thought you would enjoy it. Since you haven’t seriously dated anyone since the break-up, he also feels like your only frame of reference. That makes you sad for an entirely different reason. Who loses it over someone just being a little kind?
“I’m so sorry,” you finally say when you manage to pull yourself together.
“For what?” he asks.
“For just crying like that and being such a mess,” you say.
Joshua shakes his head. Moves his hand up to your face and waits for confirmation that it’s okay. When you nod, he gently wipes the tears from under your eyes. “You have nothing to apologize for. What you’re going through with your ex, most of us could never even imagine that kind of pain.”
“But still, you barely know me and here you are trying to be kind and all I can do is cry,” you say.
“First of all, I think last night and the food I put together show I’ve actually learned a lot about you in a short time,” he says and you have to laugh at that. He’s right. “Second, I’m just happy you feel safe enough with me to cry. It’s not healthy to hold all that in. You’re not in this alone.”
That brings you up short more than anything. He’s right, again (an annoying habit, if you’re being honest). You don’t feel any hesitation around him. Nothing to stop you from crying if you feel like crying. That’s unusual, to say the least. Normally, you’ll do anything to avoid anyone seeing you emotional. But, this man you just met is different. He’s safe. You’re not sure how or why, but you know you can trust him.
“Are you free tomorrow for brunch?” you ask. Joshua gives you a quizzical look for a moment at the sudden topic change.
“Yeah, why?” he asks.
“I just need to send one quick text and then I want to do what you said you normally do here. Disconnect from the world and just appreciate the afternoon,” you say and find yourself smiling along with his smile. He really is so beautiful.
You: add one to the reservation for brunch tomorrow and i’ll call you tonight when i’m home
You switch your phone into Do Not Disturb before the response comes and turn all your attention back to Joshua.
Over the next couple weeks, Joshua slips seamlessly into your life and your existing friendships. Some of them, like those closest to you that come along to the Sunday brunches, know the whole story. It’s not like they would believe you had kept a relationship secret for that long, anyway. And it’s good to have a few extra sets of eyes and ears helping to sell the story. Other friends get the same story that your family and Johnny got. It’s not that you don’t trust them, you do. It’s more important to keep the circle of people who know the real story as small as possible, though, so that it actually succeeds. All your friends adore him from the second they meet him. The only surprise is how well Jeonghan seems to be adjusting to sharing your time. He wants to give you a hard time, yet he doesn’t.
You meet all Joshua’s friends and coworkers, too. It feels way easier than it should the first time you join him and his coworkers after work for drinks. They spend most of the time giving Joshua a hard time that he’s kept you to himself for so long. It’s easy to fall into step and you find that you do know him a lot better than you think. So, it’s just as easy for you to jump in when they’re giving him a hard time. He pretends to be annoyed, but you can tell by the way he smiles that he likes it. It’s one of those genuine smiles that makes his eyes bigger and brighter. Everything just feels…easy. Like this whole thing wasn’t actually a bad idea after all.
Your favorite part might be the first time you got with him to an Open Mic Night and get to see him play. He’s got that easy kind of confidence on the guitar. Like he knows he’s talented, but not in a cocky way. It’s his singing that catches you off guard. His voice moves over the notes with an ease that makes you wonder why this isn’t something he’s doing for a living. He’s got this way of pulling you into songs that you don’t even know. And he’s so kind with the people that show up just to see him play. They all seem just as happy to meet you and know that he’s happy.
There’s only been one part that’s been difficult. Not difficult, exactly, but not as comfortable as some of the other things. While you and Joshua talked through anything and everything to prepare to start a fake relationship, you covered comfort levels with physical affection. You both say you’re comfortable with physical touch, though he seems to seek it out more than you do. That includes at least some level of PDA as a couple. You’ve never really been one to just randomly make out with a partner in public, but you’ve never been shy about expressing affection either. It was fine, when it was all theoretical.
In actual practice, it’s been a little more difficult. The first time Joshua had pressed a kiss to the side of your head while you were out with people that didn’t know it was fake caught you off guard. It shouldn’t have, he asked before doing it and you confirmed it was fine. What you hadn’t been entirely prepared for was how it would feel when he did it. Or how it would feel that he was so casual about it, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Like it wasn’t making you rethink everything in your life.
Tonight, you’re hanging out with friends at Hyejin’s house. You and her have been friends since before you even started school. So, she knows what’s really going on with Joshua. Your other friends there, though, are mostly not in on it. Which is fine. You’re shockingly comfortable with the song and dance.
It’s not actually fine.
It starts the same as any other time you’ve been out somewhere with him. You’re sitting close together on the couch, thighs pressed together, with his arm behind you along the back of the couch. Periodically, his fingers play with the sleeve of your shirt. It’s an absentminded habit and you’re used to it. He’s usually keeping some sort of contact with you in a very subtle way. You learned right away that he did like physical touch, but it was rarely something obvious. One drink in and his affection got a little more obvious. Arm wrapped firmly around you. More kisses pressed to the side of your head.
Two drinks in and it changes again. He removes his arm from around you in favor of holding your hand. Playing with your fingers while he’s having other conversations, like he doesn’t even realize. Hand squeezing your thigh. Or tracing patterns into the material of your pants. Head dropping down on your shoulder when he’s not talking to someone else. And it’s definitely not fine. You’re nursing your drink, but even if you weren’t, his constant presence would sober you. Since you’ve just finally finished your first, you think maybe a second is a good idea.
It’s not. Joshua gets another drink, his third, and you decline. Instead, you stick with the water you’ve been drinking since you couldn’t even finish your second. You want to be able to respond, whatever happens. Respond to whatever new form of affection unlocks with this next drink.
“I hope you stick around, you’re my favorite of the partners that we’ve met,” Mimi announces to Joshua when he plops back down next to you.
You’re glad that you hadn’t taken a sip because it would’ve come out immediately. Mimi has been a friend for a long time as well, and you love her, but she doesn’t know the truth.
“Don’t I know it,” Joshua agrees, earning a lot of laughter.
“Have you met Johnny yet? I know you’re going to the wedding,” Taehyung wonders.
“Yeah Johnny showed up magically the night I brought him by to meet my parents, sister, and brother-in-law,” you say, regaining some composure.
“I think you traded up,” Joshua says, eyes laser focused on you.
You’re not so lucky this time and you just took a sip. You nearly choke. “Do you?”
“Definitely,” Joshua insists.
“I agree,” Jimin says and Mimi elbows him in the side. “What?”
“You’re going to the wedding,” she says.
“So? He’s a fucking tool,” Jimin shrugs off.
“Are you all going, then?” Joshua asks.
“A good portion of us, yeah,” Hyejin says. “Family connections, you know?”
“I wasn’t invited,” Mimi pouts.
“Want to come?” Taehyung asks and Mimi laughs.
“Tae, my love, you can’t just invite people,” Mimi says and shakes her head.
“I have a plus-one,” Taehyung says with a shrug. “I think we all knew I wouldn’t make it to the wedding in my relationship. But, Johnny still thinks I’m bringing someone.”
“Damn, okay. I’m in,” Mimi says.
“I’m not going either, my family ties weren’t enough to get an invite,” Jeonghan says without any sorrow in his eyes.
“That’s because of what you said to him after the break up,” Hyejin interrupts with a laugh.
“I don’t remember saying anything that bad,” Jeonghan shrugs, and examines his finger nails to show how little he cares.
“Remind me to show you what he said some time, it was fucking gold,” Hyejin says to Joshua.
“Do you have it saved?” you ask.
“I should have it framed, honestly,” Hyejin says. “Get you a best friend like Jeonghan, for real, for real.”
“Hey, that’s my best friend, get your own,” you joke.
“That’s a shame you won’t be there though, Han, I could’ve used the familiar face,” Joshua says.
“Like you’re going to be paying attention to anyone but your date,” Hyejin teases.
“Can you blame me? I still can’t believe how lucky I got,” Joshua says without any hint that he’s pretending. It makes your heart skip a couple beats as you try to catch your breath.
“Ugh, I’m so single,” Mimi whines.
“Maybe not after the wedding,” Hyejin teases.
The conversations devolve from there into separate, smaller chats. Joshua is back to tracing patterns into your leg. Without warning, he pops his head up and places a quick peck on your lips before dropping his head onto your shoulder again. He’s so nonchalant about it that you’re not really sure it even happened. You’ve kissed a couple times like that, quick pecks in public. But, it’s always been when you’ve talked about it. It isn’t until you look up to meet Jeonghan’s eyes that you know it all really happened.
Joshua, unaware that he’s just turned your world a little upside down, moves his head to look at you again. “You’re beautiful, you know.”
It’s barely a whisper and you know he’s not drunk. He’s not sober either, though. And you’ve had drinks around each other before. He’s just never been quite so glued to your side or free with the compliments. You’re also not usually so singularly focused on him. A fact that doesn’t go entirely unnoticed.
“Thank you,” you whisper back.
“I’m kinda hungry,” he continues in a bit of a whine.
“Well you were the one who thought skipping dinner was smart,” you tease him.
“But my little honeybunch,” he teases back. You snort and miss the way several of your friends watch the interaction because they know how you are about weird pet names.
“Try again, sweetheart,” you answer.
“Sweetheart, I like the way that sounds,” he says, distracted.
“Just a little longer and we can leave and get something to eat,” you say and he sighs.
“Fine,” he concedes and kisses your cheek, just barely a whisper away from the corner of your mouth.
About half an hour later, you say your goodbyes. Despite your suggestions, Joshua continued drinking instead of switching to water. It’s as fine as it can be, though. He’s just an affectionate drinker. He wraps an arm around you, slipping a hand into your back pocket so that he can whisper thanks again. You do your best to shrug it off and let him drape his arms around your shoulder instead.
The car ride is quiet, initially. You pick a playlist that he made for you after you first met. Something he seems to enjoy. You’re nearly back at his place when he says that he doesn’t have anything to eat. But, luckily, there’s a place around the corner that he loves that’s still open. He manages to place an order on the app, gets something for you as well, and pays before getting there. All you have to do is walk in.
“I hope you’ll come in and eat with me,” he says when you get back into the car.
You’re not really sure how to tell him that you don’t want to. Not because you don’t want to spend time with him. Or that you don’t appreciate him ordering something he knows you’ll like. No, it’s so much deeper than that. It’s that you don’t know if your heart can handle it. You’ve got a couple more weeks of this and your heart is taking a beating. All of this is fake. It’ll be over after the wedding. But, the compliments don’t feel fake. The kisses don’t feel fake. The affection doesn’t feel fake. Your heart racing is real, oh so real. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you’re in way too deep.
None of that comes out, though.
“Sure, sweetheart,” you say and hold your breath for a second. You hadn’t meant to say that when it was just you.
Joshua smiles over at you. “Really do like that.”
Does he know what he’s doing to you? Can he hear your heart hammering in your chest? Can he hear your breath catch? Does he know how insanely beautiful he is? Or that he’s all the more beautiful because he’s so unfailingly kind?
Probably not, because he gets distracted and starts singing along as the song changes. It’s welcome, but also a little devastating. His voice cuts through you in a way you’re still very unprepared to handle.
After another few minutes, you’re at Joshua’s place. He springs back into action and tries to open your door for you, even though you’re the driver. He settles for taking hold of your hand as he walks to his door, only reluctantly dropping it when he gets to the door.
His apartment is familiar to you, it has to be for this to be believable. So, he sets the food out and you grab plates. You grab a couple waters from the fridge while he takes the food over to the couch, bypassing the table. You sit next to him, leaving enough space between you that you’re not touching. Hoping he doesn’t think anything of it.
It’s useless, apparently, because he slides over to press into your side.
What’s worse (not that you thought that was possible) is that he picks things off of your plate and gives you food off his plate. Tries to feed it to you, actually, and pouts when you don’t let him. It takes everything in you not to beg him to be gentle on your heart. He doesn’t even seem to realize what he’s doing to you as he smiles and jokes. Doesn’t seem to think twice about playing with your hands or his hand on your leg or any of the things he usually does when you have an audience. There’s nobody here to see and he’s not usually this touchy when you’re alone. Maybe it’s the drinks.
“I like your friends a lot, you know,” he says out of nowhere.
“They like you, too,” you assure him.
“What about you?” he asks.
“I’d assume they like me as well,” you laugh out.
“No, I meant me. Do you like me?” he asks, eyes big and vulnerable.
Please, Joshua, I’m begging you. Be gentle with me, you think so loud you’re worried he might hear.
“I’m actually a little sick of you,” you joke.
“But, but,” he begins and dramatically throws himself in your lap.
“You’re the worst,” you say without any bite. Your hands find their way into his hair, softly running through the strands.
“That feels nice,” he says softly. “Can I just stay like this? I’m tired.”
“Of course,” you whisper.
“You’ll stay with me?” he asks, sounding like he’s about to drift off.
You’re sure he won’t remember any of this. Not because he’s drunk, but he’s on the edges of sleep. So, you answer in a whisper. “Always.”
Maybe he’s not the one that needs to be careful with your heart. Maybe it’s you that needs to be careful. You know that you could walk away. That you could just remind him that this is all fake and there’s nobody around to see now. That’s not what you do. So, maybe you’re just as much to blame.
Sunday
Joshua: thanks for taking care of me last night
Joshua: idk why the drinks hit me so hard
Joshua: when did you leave?
Monday
Joshua: is everything okay? Did i say something stupid?
Tuesday
Joshua: i don’t wanna sound clingy but are we still getting together at your place after work?
Somewhere, in the back of your mind, you know that you need to respond. You know that what you’re doing isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not like Joshua can somehow read your mind to realize you’re spiraling. It just feels a little paralyzing. This is a weird limbo of knowing you might be in over your head, but still believing this is all fake.
Jeonghan: hey dummy i know you’re ignoring joshua so i’m coming over tonight
Jeonghan: i told him you’ve been busy at work and i haven’t heard from you either but we have some talking to do
Leave it to Jeonghan. You had almost forgotten, with how well you’ve gotten to know Joshua, that it was Jeonghan who introduced you in the first place. Of course he would text your best friend when he couldn’t get a hold of you. Does that make you feel better? Not really, you think, because it feels like a real relationship in a way. Oh well, you can talk about it with Jeonghan. If he shows up, that is.
And he does, less than an hour later.
“I’m here,” he announces when he comes in the door.
“Thanks for knocking and giving me the chance to pretend I’m not here,” you call back.
“Your car is outside and you have your location turned on,” Jeonghan says.
“Right,” you answer as he comes through the hall holding a bag from your favorite take out place.
“At least I come bearing gifts,” he says.
“You’re an angel, do you know that?” you ask and reach for the bag.
Jeonghan snorts. “I’m gonna remind you of that the next time you call me a demon.”
“Well, Lucifer was a fallen angel,” you reason with a shrug.
“I hate you,” he says.
“I know,” you answer.
Jeonghan busies himself with taking out the food and making sure you have napkins. Tells you what he wants to drink when you get up to go into the kitchen. Calls for you to grab some utensils as well. By the time you sit back down with him, he’s flipping through a streaming service trying to find something to watch. It’s not at all what you’re expecting and you just let it happen. The two of you have been friends long enough to know you should just let things play out.
With some mindless show on in the background, Jeonghan talks about work and your friends and everything else that’s been going on the past few days. Like it’s been weeks since you last saw him. Mostly, he talks about how Taehyung has been blowing up his phone asking for advice about Mimi, which is actually news to you. Sure, you saw him ask her if she wanted to go with him to the wedding. What you had not expected was for him to actually be interested. Which he is, if his messages to Jeonghan are anything to go by. It’s been everything from advice about talking to her to what kinds of things she might like as a surprise. They would probably be cute, you think.
“Yeah, well, sometimes feelings catch us off guard,” Jeonghan says when you admit your surprise.
Damn. Did you really walk right into that?
“True,” you admit, knowing that’s the best answer you can give.
“Talk to me,” Jeonghan urges.
“About what?” you ask to buy more time.
“Joshua,” he says.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” you state. That makes him fix you with a look.
“Clearly there is or you wouldn’t be ignoring him,” he says.
“We’re not really dating so I don’t owe him constant updates. I’m not ignoring him. I just have other shit to do,” you say without looking at him.
“Would you like to be?” he asks. That does make you turn to him.
“Like to be what?” you ask, though you think you know.
“Really dating him,” Jeonghan says.
It’s a crossroads kind of moment. You could say that you don’t want that. That would be a lie, though, and Jeonghan doesn’t like it when you lie. Can always tell the second you say something that’s not true. The truth is that you’ve spent nearly every moment since that stupid night at Hyejin’s place thinking about what you actually feel for your fake boyfriend.
“I don’t…know,” you say slowly and earn a smile because it’s not a lie.
“I was there the other night too, I saw the way it all played out,” he says.
“I mean, does it matter? This is all fake and soon, it’ll be over,” you say.
“Of course it matters and it’ll be over soon? Please,” Jeonghan scoffs. “I know he’s told you that he wants to keep you in his life after Johnny’s wedding. So, what? You’re just gonna be like okay, that was fun, let’s never talk again?”
“I don’t know, maybe,” you say quietly.
He rolls his eyes. “Try again, buttercup.”
“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t like me like that, he’s just nice,” you say, avoidant as ever.
“He looks at you like he’d give you the moon if you asked for it,” Jeonghan snorts out.
“He’s just nice, Han,” you disagree.
“Maybe,” your closest friend concedes, a rare move for him. It feels weird all the same. “Whatever it is, text him back. He misses you and I don’t want to hear anymore about how he’s worrying he upset you.”
“He’s been worrying that he upset me?” you ask. Your heart constricts at that.
“Yeah, for some reason he actually likes your company,” he says. “Can’t relate.”
You smack Jeonghan on the arm. “Says the man who shows up at my place unannounced when I ignore him for a day.”
“No, I was just bored,” he argued. “And you’re way too stubborn to sort out your shit on your own.”
“I’m not stubborn, but fine, I’ll text him,” you relent.
“Now,” he says.
“What?”
“Text him now so that I know you actually did it.”
You roll your eyes at him, but pull your phone out anyway. Angling it away from Jeonghan so that he can’t see your screen. He’s such a nosy brat sometimes.
You: hey, i’m sorry. It’s been really busy and i had a lot on my mind
You: wanna do something tomorrow?
The response comes right away and you ignore the smug look on Jeonghan’s face as you quickly make plans. If Jeonghan was anyone else, he would probably just let you be since he ultimately got what he wanted. But, he’s not anyone else. And he’s as caring to his friends as he is calculating when he wants something. So, he’s not doing it to be cruel, not at all. He just wants you to consider what you’re actually feeling.
You’ll never tell Jeonghan how much you appreciate him talking everything through with you. Never tell him how good it feels to get all the thoughts out of your head. To his credit, he’s not smug and he doesn’t tell you that he’s been right about your feelings all along. He just listens, supports you when you need it, and encourages you to keep thinking through everything that’s going on.
As a make-up for slightly ignoring Joshua (over your own internal freak out), you take him to dinner at your favorite restaurant. It’s this tiny little hole-in-the-wall that people seem to walk past. The kind of place where you couldn’t overspend even if you tried because the couple that owned it just wanted to share good food. The kind of place where they know everyone by name. It makes you feel instantly at ease.
Joshua doesn’t say it, but he also kind of can’t believe you wanted to show him some place that meant so much to you. All he could do was watch, with so much fondness, as you spoke to the couple about everything under the sun. Watch as you turned slightly red when they scolded you for taking so long to bring Joshua by. Smile as you promised the both of you would be back. Despite trying to pay, you beat him to it. Even leaving a massive tip because you insisted the couple had undercharged you. They made a big show of not wanting to take the tip and you only reminded them the cash would stay sitting on the counter. You weren’t taking it back either.
You don’t really think about it when you take a picture of you and Joshua to upload on Instagram. At least, you try not to. Later, when you’re home and winding down for the night, you pull the picture back up. It’s amazing just how happy both of you look. You don’t need to read the comments to know that you’ve never looked so happy in your life. Every part of you wants to pull back again. It’s overwhelming. But, Jeonghan’s voice plays in your head and instead you push past. Make more plans that could break your heart. You have to just trust that he won’t.
It isn’t until the weekend that you’re able to see him again because your schedules didn’t quite match up. That doesn’t stop him from calling you at night, though. Insisting that he wants to know how your day was, even if you can only spare a few minutes for a call. (Which never ends up being the case. You fall asleep on the phone with him twice. His voice is just so soothing when it’s all deep and soft.)
Again, Joshua tells you the date is a surprise. He can be a little bit of a demon, when it suits him. Sure, he likes to pretend he’s not. That he’s above the chaos. Then, he does something like this and he can’t really escape it. But, he’s so sure he knows what you like that he’s positive you’ll enjoy the date. You remember how that chat had gone, too. You were ready to go to sleep, but unable to say goodnight.
(“I have our next date planned,” Joshua says, voice soft to match the calm of the night.
“What is it?” you wonder.
“A surprise,” he answers.
“What if I don’t like it?” you ask back.
“You will,” he assures you.
“You sure seem to think you know me,” you joke.
“Yeah, I do. Don’t worry, you’ll like this too,” he says.
There was no point in denying it. That confidence sent a bit of a shiver through you.)
It turns out that the date is at a winery where you’re painting with wine. You have to ask him to say it again because you’ve only ever heard of wine and paint classes. Painting with wine is entirely new to you. It sounds fun, though, and you know how crafty Joshua can be, have seen all the projects around his apartment. So, even though you’re definitely not that artistic, you’re excited to see this as well.
Admittedly, by the end of the session, your painting isn’t bad. It was a bit weird to use wine in that way, but they let you drink as well. Which makes it a lot easier to just go along with the idea of painting. Joshua’s painting, on the other hand, is beautiful. Not for the first time, you think his talents might be wasted at an office job. You’ve seen the bracelets he makes and now you’ve seen him paint. You’ve heard him sing and play the guitar. He’s impossibly artistic in a way that should make you jealous. Instead, it just makes you more endeared to him.
You snap a picture of him and his art when he’s not looking and upload it before he can even realize it. It’s only when a notification goes off on his phone that he realizes. He doesn’t even say anything, just gets a sparkle in his eyes that makes you weary immediately. He’s busy tapping away on his own phone before a notification sounds on yours. Maybe you weren’t the only one to steal a candid shot if the picture of you laughing with a glass of wine in one hand and a paintbrush in the other is anything to go by. It’s the caption that really ruins you, though. Just a simple “think I’m addicted to her light”. It’s so simple and also so much sweeter than yours. You fight through the urge to run away.
Which lasts until you get home from dinner. It was the perfect date, truly. Joshua always seems to know exactly how to plan out a day so everything works. After sipping wine and painting, he took you to one of his favorite restaurants. Nothing too pretentious, just kind of unassuming. The kind of place where you get good food and even better conversation. It’s (mostly) easy to keep your mind off the way your heart keeps racing.
When you’re back home, you’re not so lucky.
Back home, alone in your apartment, there aren’t any distractions. Nothing to stop your mind from all the ways that it can sabotage your own happiness. Nothing to stop you from thinking about how nobody, not even Johnny, has ever planned out such thoughtful dates for you. Nobody has ever taken the time to really know you like Joshua. Even if you won’t admit it, he knows you better than anyone you’ve ever dated. Which is terrifying, since this is all fake. And he hasn’t even known you that long.
So, you do the rational thing and you pull back again. Answer his texts so that he doesn’t send Jeonghan over to figure out what’s wrong, but don’t make solid plans. Talk a lot about a work project that you really need to get done ahead of schedule so that you’re not stressing leading up to the wedding. And you throw in some easy suggestions in the meantime so that it still seems like you’re making an effort.
Lunch on a work day so that it has a set ending time. Which still tugs at your heartstrings a bit because he takes a longer lunch just to meet you closer to where you work.
An event where your parents purchased a table for charity because he’s in high demand with your family around. And he can’t be as affectionate.
His Open Mic Nights, but with the excuse that you can’t stay too late because of your project and he should stick around with his friends. You’ll get home safely.
Small little things that keep you around him and keep up your conversations while still giving you time to breathe. You’re sure that you’re pulling it all off. And then, the wedding is around the corner. The finish line is in sight.
You: I’m not going to the wedding
You: you don’t have to come pick me up
Joshua: what are you talking about?
You: i’m not going
Joshua: but it’s literally in a few hours?
You: yeah and i don’t wanna go, so you’re off the hook
You: thanks for everything, but you don’t have to pretend anymore
Even if you know you’re being a little petulant, you don’t really care. This whole thing was supposed to be about protecting your heart. Protecting your pride. Not showing up to your cheating ex-fiance's wedding alone and looking like some kind of loser. It was not supposed to be about your heart getting clobbered anyway. So, you’re doing the only logical thing you can think of. Ignoring your problems. Avoiding both the wedding and Joshua. What you’re not prepared for, though you should be, is the knock that comes at your door half an hour later.
Joshua is on the other side of the door and your heart actually stops. He’s got his tux on and his hair styled back off his face. His eyes are soft as they take you in, noting that you have your hair and make up done. Though, you’re still in your sweats. You got at least that far before you decided this was a stupid fucking decision.
“Can I come in?” he asks when you don’t say anything.
“Sure,” you say and step aside.
“You look like you’re getting ready,” he comments once he’s inside.
“I was, until I texted you,” you answer. “Speaking of, why are you here?”
“Because we had plans,” he says.
“Yeah to go see my ex-fiance marry the girl he cheated on me with. Oh, and for you to pretend to be my boyfriend so I didn’t look pathetic,” you say with a huff.
“You’re not pathetic. He’s an asshole,” Joshua says. He doesn’t swear often, so it catches you a little off guard.
“Well, whatever, you don’t have to go. So, I’m not really sure why you’re here,” you say.
“You’re being so cold. What’s going on?” Joshua asks and reaches out to you. Instead, you duck away from his touch.
“Nothing is going on. It was stupid to care what Johnny thought or to try and save face somehow,” you say.
“It’s not stupid. He hurt you and you didn’t deserve that,” Joshua urges.
“You really don’t know me that well. Maybe I did deserve it. Maybe I was awful to him and he had no choice,” you say.
“We both know that’s not true,” he says.
“Do we?” you challenge.
“Yes, we do,” he presses. “There is nothing you could do that justifies cheating instead of just breaking it off. But, I also know you didn’t do anything wrong. Jeonghan and I talked about it.”
“You spoke to Jeonghan about my relationship behind my back?” you question.
“What is going on? We’ve been hanging out for weeks and getting to know each other. I just wanted to know more about someone I was going to be helping. And I like knowing you,” Joshua says and you have to look away. You don’t need the reminder of how much time you’ve spent with him.
“Yeah, sorry about all that time we wasted. I’ll pay you back for the tux or anything else you had to buy to pretend to date me,” you say and he looks genuinely confused.
“I don’t…want you to pay me back for anything. It wasn’t a waste of time. I did this because I wanted to,” he says.
“Yeah, well, you don’t have to pretend anymore because I’m not going to the stupid fucking wedding. It was a really bad idea in the first place,” you say.
Joshua clenches his jaw and looks away. Like maybe he’s frustrated. “What is going on? Do you still have feelings for him?”
“For who? Johnny?” you ask, so insanely caught off guard that you forget you’re mad.
“Yes,” Joshua says tightly.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” you bark out.
“Well? You’re being really weird and now you don’t want to go to a wedding that we’ve been planning on,” he starts.
“Yeah, which should make you happy, since you don’t have to pretend to be my boyfriend anymore,” you say.
“Because you’re still in love with Johnny,” Joshua finishes like he hadn’t even heard you.
“Oh my god,” you nearly scream. “I’m not fucking in love with Johnny. This isn’t about him.”
“So, you don’t want to go to the wedding and it has nothing to do with him? That doesn’t make any sense,” he says.
“No, I don’t want to keep doing this,” you say, gesturing between the two of you. “I don’t want to keep pretending to date you when I -”
You clamp your mouth shut. Unable to believe that you almost blurted out how you feel.
“When you what?” he challenges. “What? Is it that bad being around me? Is that it? Are you just sick of me? Ready to toss me aside?”
You laugh bitterly, not even able to appreciate the irony in the situation. “No, Joshua, I don’t want to toss you aside.”
“Then, what? What am I supposed to think when you’ve been pushing me away for the last couple weeks? And I have to act like I haven’t noticed all the ways you’ve kept me at arm’s length since we went to the winery. Why did you just decide, literally today, that you don’t want to go to the wedding after all?” he asks, rambling. He’s pacing in front of you. “Why are you trying so hard to get rid of me?”
“Because I don’t want to get hurt!” you blurt out. “Because I don’t want to go to my fucking scumbag of an ex’s wedding where everyone is going to be giving me these looks of pity or focusing on my relationship with him when all I want is this.”
“This? What?” he asks, coming to a stop.
“This, Joshua, you and me. Having this just all be pretend is breaking my heart. I can’t keep doing it. It was supposed to keep me from getting my heart broken. It sucks and I hate it and I just wish it wasn’t pretend. I don’t want to go to the wedding and have you be so sweet and kind and caring when I’m going to know it has an expiration date. That it’s all just been for show,” you admit. You turn away, clutching your arms around your center because you’re so tired. And so exposed. So vulnerable. It’s awful.
The tears won’t stop, so you don’t notice how Joshua has closed the space between you until he wraps his arms around you from behind. Pulls you back against his chest and presses a kiss into your hair.
“So, let’s stop saying it’s pretend,” he whispers.
“What?” you whisper back.
He turns you in his arms so that you’re facing him and gently brushes away the tears. “Let’s stop saying it’s fake. It doesn’t feel fake, does it?”
“No,” is all you can manage.
“So, it’s not fake and we’re not pretending,” he says.
“But,” you start to protest.
“I knew I was in trouble, really deep trouble, as soon as we left your parents’ house. I was just waiting for you to catch up,” he says as he gently runs a thumb across your cheek to wipe away a tear . Your eyes go wide.
“That was barely a week in,” you say and he just shrugs. “And I’d dumped all my bullshit on you.”
“I think that’s actually what made me like you so much,” he says. “It was supposed to be fake and we were trying to get to know each other well enough to pull it off. But, instead, I just realized you were actually perfect.”
“Perfect? I was broken,” you joke and he shakes his head.
“No, you’ve been hurt. Who hasn’t? You’re also strong, kind, funny, a fiercely loyal friend, and one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, inside and out,” he says.
“That’s so, you’re so sweet,” you say and try to hide your face. He doesn’t let you. “You like me?”
“I’ve liked you the whole time. I did think it was a date, after all,” he says. “And do you think I’m that affectionate with everyone?”
“We were pretending,” you argue.
“I wasn’t,” he argues back.
“Our closest friends thought you were,” you disagree.
“And was anyone else there in my apartment when I was still being affectionate?” he asks.
“Well, no, but…” you start.
“I heard you say always,” he tells you.
“You did?” you ask, sure that it’s been your secret this whole time.
“We don’t have to go to the wedding. But, if it’s just because you don’t want this to be over with me, then it’s not going to be over. I’m yours for as long as you want me,” he says so earnestly it nearly makes you blush.
“Careful, you might get sick of me,” you joke.
He puts a finger under your chin so he can look you in the eyes. “I’ll say it again. I’m yours as long as you want me. I won’t get sick of you.”
“I…” you start and don’t know where to go. So you do the only thing you can think of and kiss him. It’s clear he’s a little caught off guard, but he recovers quickly. His arms wrap around you to hold you tight against him. It’s the first time you’ve really kissed him and you’re so screwed because he really is perfect at this too.
“So, do I get you for the rest of today?” he asks.
You take in his tuxedo again, for real this time. Appreciating how well it’s tailored and how amazing he looks. With a sigh, you say, “you know, it’s a shame to waste such a nice tux.”
“Are you…I thought we weren’t going,” he stutters.
“I’m probably gonna have to fix my makeup in the car, but why not? I want to show off my super hot and very real boyfriend,” you say and watch him choke on air.
“You can’t just say…” he starts.
“Damn, sick of me already?” you tease.
“You know I’m not,” he answers and moves to follow you.
“No, no. You don’t get to see me changing. I’ll be back out in a second,” you say.
You’re in the middle of shimmying into your dress when you realize that you do still have a lot to talk about. A lot to figure out. This whole situation has been unusual, though, so it probably makes sense that there isn’t a template. Once you have your shoes on, you walk back into the living room, prepared to say something, only to find Joshua speechless.
“You look…” he starts.
“You’ve seen the dress already,” you say and smile.
“Not on you. Not in person. You look amazing,” he says and crosses to pull you into his arms. “Are you sure we have to go?”
“Yes,” you say and swat him. “But, I do know we have a lot to talk about.”
“I’m not in a rush,” he says and allows you to step away.
“We might need to be in a bit of a rush,” you say, checking the time and gathering all your things.
“Let’s go, then,” Joshua says and offers his arm.
The wedding passes in kind of a blur. In truth, you barely even register Johnny or what he’s doing beyond the actual ceremony. The reception is so massive that it’s easiest just to focus on the people around you. Especially when you’re at a table with your friends. Thankfully, you’re not at a table with your parents or your sister. It does mean, though, that you’re sitting next to Hyejin, who has definitely realized that something shifted between you and Joshua. So, she’s trying to sneak in a question any time she can. Which is hard, given that Joshua is more attached to you than ever. And Hyejin doesn’t want to draw unnecessary attention to you. All you manage to let her know is that it’s real now and that you’ll fill her in after the wedding. (You’re also thankful that people seem to be cooing over Taehyung and Mimi since they’re the shiny new topic.)
It’s also nice to have Joshua there because he’s a built in way to excuse yourself from any conversation that you don’t want to be part of. It’s easy to just say you’re going to go back to the table. Or, in the case of a good song coming on, he’ll be quick to drag you to the dance floor and away from whatever conversation you’re stuck in. He’s a good dancer, too. You don’t miss the way Hyejin catches your eye when the first slow song comes on and he pulls you close to him. But, that’s a conversation for another day. All you wanted was to appreciate the way his hand felt on your lower back or your hand felt in his.
When it was finally time to leave, Joshua led you out of the event, arm around you to guide you. Neither of you were drunk, but you had still hired someone to take you to and from the wedding anyway. A gift from your parents to appreciate you “doing the right thing” and coming to the wedding. For the sake of the families. It made you roll your eyes at the time, yet you’re thankful now. It would be far better than having to take an Uber or trying to get a room at the hotel (and risking seeing everyone else staying there the next morning). The ride home also gave you the chance to talk. Really talk. Neither of you cared much that someone else was driving (and he had the partition up, anyway), as you talked about your feelings honestly for the first time.
As it turned out, you had a lot to say. Both of you. You hadn’t been nearly as good at hiding your feelings from Joshua as you had been at hiding them from yourself. He had hoped you were going to admit them to him after that night at his apartment. Instead, you avoided him. Yes, he knew that you had been avoiding him. You also weren’t very good at picking up on the signs he dropped about his feelings for you. He admitted that he could have just said something, but he was trying to be subtle so he didn’t scare you off. Trying to let his actions speak through more affection. You admit you were scared to think it was anything more than it actually was. Scared of your feelings. Scared of getting hurt again. Joshua completely understands that and admits that he’s a little scared, too, because you’re definitely more important to him than he was anticipating. He’s also confident that you can work through it together. It gives you a feeling of hope. Makes everything about you feel lighter. You see that relief reflected in Joshua’s eyes when they scan yours.
The car pulls to a stop and he gets out first. He holds his hand out to help you out of the car. You’re not really sure what comes over you.
“Come up with me,” you ask, but it’s more of a statement.
He hesitates, conflicted. “I don’t know if I should.”
“Why?” you ask, clearly confused.
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to leave,” he answers and you smile.
“Then stay,” you shrug, “at least for breakfast.”
Without waiting for him to respond, you turn and head for the front door of the building. It means you miss the way he freezes in place, but you can guess at that by how long it takes before he catches up to you. He’s unusually quiet and still beside you as you go up the elevator and then behind you as you unlock the door.
“I’m gonna go change,” you announce after you drop your keys by the door. You look back at Joshua, appreciating him in the tuxedo one last time. “I’ve got some clothes in the spare room that should fit. They’re Jeonghan’s ”
You take the opportunity to breathe for a second, to let it settle in that you asked Joshua to come in with you and stay the night. Then, you set about changing out of your dress. Carefully clean your face free of the make-up. Brush through your hair and twist it back off of your face. Once you’re in comfy clothes and bare faced, you head back out into the living room. It’s odd that you don’t even feel self-conscious about Joshua seeing you like this, you’re instantly comfortable.
Joshua’s back is to you in the kitchen. When he turns around, you see that he’s put together a little platter of snacks. You also were right, the t-shirt and shorts he picked out seem to fit him well. Jeonghan is a little slighter than Joshua, but he wears most of his clothes on the baggier side.
“Thanks for the clothes,” he says when you both meet on the couch. “I was worried when you said you had spare clothes they were gonna be from an ex or Johnny or something.”
Your laugh is sudden and clearly catches Joshua off guard. “I wouldn’t have kept any of Johnny’s clothes. I gave them all to charity.”
“I’m sure he was thrilled with that,” Joshua laughs.
“They made a killing reselling them,” you laugh in response. “Wanna watch something?”
“Sure, you pick,” he says.
You start clicking through your saved list to find something that the two of you can watch. Once you settle on something, Joshua motions you over. Even if you want to pretend you’re considering it, you can’t. Every part of you wants to be close to him. When you slide over, he pulls you in tighter to his body and you fit like you always belonged there with him.
If you thought he was physically affectionate when he was pretending, it’s nothing compared to now that he knows you’re both in this. He has one hand running along your arm or the other along your thigh. Sometimes he reaches out to take one of your hands. Other times he presses kisses into your hair. It’s pretty clear right away that he’s not paying much attention to the show.
If you’re being honest, you’re not really either.
Everything is distracting. The way his fingers on the bare skin of your arm raises goosebumps. The way his kiss in your hair makes your eyes close in appreciation. The way he squeezes your thigh and short circuits your brain.
You can’t help it. You turn your head so that you can look at him. He caresses your cheek, so gentle. Runs his thumb across your lip. You’re holding your breath, just waiting to see what he’s going to do. When you feel like you’re going to go a little bit insane, his hand moves to the back of your neck and pulls you in. It’s exactly like the first kiss before the wedding. At least, at first. It’s gentle, but full of so much desire. It’s also slow, like there’s no rush to any of it.
The position is really uncomfortable, though. You shift your legs so they’re draped over one of Joshua’s. He doesn’t miss a beat. It just allows him to pull you closer. There’s something incredibly intimate in kissing him like this. There’s this weird contrast of desire and comfort. It’s heated, but also a little lazy. Like you have all the time in the world. Which you do, you think, now that you’re being honest about your feelings.
When Joshua pulls back from the kiss, you chase his lips for a second before realizing that he’s pulled away. The way he looks at you nearly melts you into the couch.
“I don’t want to assume where this is headed, but maybe we should take it to the bedroom?” he asks. It’s cute, the way he’s a little shy. Like you didn’t invite him in to spend the night. Yeah, you’re in way over your head. At least it seems like he might be too.
You pull your legs back so that you can stand up. His eyes track your movements as you reach your hand back to him. He accepts it without a word and lets you lead him to the bedroom. Even if he’s seen your bedroom before, this feels different. You’re waiting for him to look around, but his eyes are glued on you. Joshua even waits for you to lead him all the way to the bed, so you direct him to sit on the edge.
Once Joshua is seated, you step between his legs and tilt your head down to kiss him. He wraps his arms around you so that he can pull you against him. There’s barely any space between you. It sends a little bit of a shiver as his hands run up your back and back down. The touch is gentle and caring. Like he’s trying to put everything he feels into it. Something about it just makes you feel so insanely safe.
He’s the one to break the kiss again, but this time it’s to move back onto the bed and grab your hand to pull you along with him. It’s easy to just follow suit and get comfortable laying next to him, bodies facing each other. The kissing picks up when your lips meet again. Joshua kisses you breathless with a passion you’re eager to explore. One of his hands rests on your hip, casually sliding beneath your shirt and caressing up your side. You press your body further into his and capture his moan with a kiss. It feels like you’re a bit drunk off each other.
When Joshua’s hand moves back down, you take the chance to throw your leg over his hip, allowing you to press further into him and feel how this is turning him on. Part of you knows that he’s still waiting for you to set the pace. Or that he wants things to be a little slower. So, you help him out and roll the two of you over so that you’re straddled on top of him. Putting his hands on your hips, you lean over to kiss him again. In this position, you can also grind into his lap. You delight in how he’s already getting hard beneath you, enjoy the way his hands grip the soft flesh of your hips.
He pulls back and looks at you with blown pupils. “Baby, please don’t tease me.”
“No silly pet name?” you tease him.
“Not when you’re getting me this turned on like a horny teenager,” he whines.
“You mean like this?” you ask, injecting as much innocence as you can when you slowly drag your clothed pussy across his dick again.
Joshua throws his head back, eyes squeezed shut, and grips you tighter. “Yes.”
“So you don’t like it?” you ask, grinding a little more.
“Fuck,” he hisses out. And somehow that’s the thing that almost breaks you. Why is that one swear so hot on his lips?
Without saying anything, you sit up a little bit, still making sure you’re straddling Joshua, so that you can pull his shirt off him. Your eyes go wide because you’ve never seen him shirtless. You’ve seen him in well fitted suits or shirts, but this is entirely different. His chest looks like it was sculpted by an artist. All your attention is on your fingers running along his chest and you don’t see the way it makes him a little shy.
His hands reach for your own shirt, playing with the hem like he’s asking permission. So, you move his hands aside and pull it over your head, leaving your skin bare as well. You watch him drink you in, feeling almost empowered by the desire you see in his eyes. He pulls you back towards him so that he can get one of your breasts into his mouth. The way he teases your nipple with his tongue has you clenching around nothing. You can feel how wet it’s making you and try your best not to squirm when he moves from one breast to the other.
“I need you,” you utter.
“I need you, too,” he says against your skin. His hips buck up into you almost involuntarily.
You slide off of him and pull your shorts down and he gasps that you don’t have any underwear on. It isn’t like you were expecting anything, you just wanted to be prepared. While he’s still a little drunk on the sight of you fully naked, you help him discard the rest of his clothing. The sight of his cock springing free, precum leaking out, has you wanting to get your mouth on him.
But, you’re realizing, what you really want is to feel him inside you. After so much tension and wondering, you just want to have this moment together. You want to be as close as two people can possibly get. You want all the intimacy and to be able to see his face. It’s this thought that pushes you back to the bed to lay with him.
Joshua repositions and runs a hand down your body. Lets his fingers run along your thighs and tease their way up to gather some of your wetness. Your eyes close as he runs a finger up your slit. It’s such a little amount of contact and it makes you moan anyway.
“Damn, are you this wet just for me?” he asks and presses a kiss into the first bit of your skin he can reach.
“I want to feel you,” you admit. Joshua makes you press a finger into your pussy, but you stop him. Confusion takes over his features.
“I thought…do you not want this?” he asks.
“I do, but I want…I want all of you,” you admit. “I want to feel you deep inside of me. I want to be completely ruined by you. I want to come together.”
“Shit,” he hisses, hand stilling against your body. “On one condition.”
“What’s that?” you ask.
“I want to taste you soon,” he says, pressing a kiss into your shoulder.
The thought of him between your legs makes you shiver. It’s almost enough to forget that you want this first time to be together. “Deal.”
“Do you have condoms? I wasn’t exactly expecting…” he says, trailing off.
“That drawer,” you say and point.
He rolls himself off of the bed to open the drawer. You’re not sure why you expect his hands to be a little unsteady when he rips open the wrapper and rolls it onto himself, but he’s so calm. Maybe it’s just you that’s a little nervous. At least, that’s what you think until you catch the look on his face. It has to be the same as yours, naked want mixed with a little bit of uncertainty. Everything else has been so easy with you, what if this is where it goes wrong?
“Just lay back,” he urges you, voice calming any lingering nerves. His voice drops to a whisper, like the next statement is just for him. “You’re so beautiful, every single inch of you.”
It makes your heart constrict in a way that you’re not really prepared for. It would be nice if your feelings could stop flooding in all at once like a dam breaking. It’s overwhelming. You do as he says, though, and lean back against the pillow. Joshua gently spreads your legs apart and takes another moment to appreciate you. He can’t seem to help himself from running a finger along your entrance.
Even though he would fully be within his rights to tease you, he doesn’t. He lines himself up at your entrance and looks to you for final confirmation. All you can manage is a nod. You know he wants to hear you, but you can’t bring yourself to form the words. So, he accepts the nods and slowly presses into you.
“Fuck,” you hiss as you adjust to him.
“Are you okay?” he worries.
“Feels good,” you say with a slight whine. “It’s just been a bit.”
He presses the rest of the way into you and then stills so you can get used to him. It’s really overwhelming. Not just because you’re finally feeling him inside of you. More so because he’s looking at you with more adoration than you’ve ever felt in your life. Like this is it for him. Like you’re it for him. It’s too early to be thinking of love, but you really don’t know if anyone has ever loved you so completely. You think he’s probably it for you too.
Once he finally starts to move, you know it’s going to be over entirely too fast. He starts with slow thrusts, testing what you want. You dig your fingers into his arms as a way to ground yourself. To anchor yourself to him and in the moment. When he picks up the pace, your mind goes entirely blank. It’s just the right speed. While you love the hard and fast fucking, there’s something so much more intimate about this kind of in between speed.
“God you feel so good,” he whines as he snaps into you again. “So tight and perfect.”
“You’re so - oh my god,” you moan out, unable to finish the sentence as he hits you just right.
Joshua moves one of your legs so that it’s over his shoulder and presses further into you, hitting deeper than you were prepared for.
“Fuck, Joshua, holy shit,” you scream out.
“Love the sound of my name on your lips,” he manages as his thrusts pick up pace.
You want to respond that you love saying it, want to say anything, but the thrusts are entirely too much. As if it wasn’t already too much, Joshua adjusts again so that he can press his thumb against your clit. He rubs circles in time with his thrusts and you think that you might see stars. You throw your head back, eyes pressed shut.
“Look at me, baby. I wanna see you when you come,” he urges, his own voice sounding ragged.
Despite wanting to focus on the pressure building between you, you do as he asks. Your eyes meet his and it’s that look that makes that coil snap. You’re coming hard and digging your fingers into whatever you can find to release some of the tension in your body. This might be the best orgasm you’ve had.
When you come back to this plane, Joshua has stilled inside of you. One of his hands gently caresses your face as he mumbles quiet praises. It’s so impossibly tender.
“It’s okay, sweetheart, you can move,” you assure him.
“Thank fuck,” he mumbles.
His pace now picks up to something fast and hard with one of his large hands anchoring your thigh to his body. Your hands grip any part of his body that they can reach and you relish the way he hisses when your nails drag patterns down his skin. Marking him so that he belongs to you. Just as you belong so completely to him.
It seems impossible but you can feel the tension building low in your stomach again. His thrusts are so hard that you feel like his cock might split you open and something about it just works for you. You hadn’t thought anything about him would translate to this kind of hard and fast sex, but it’s somehow better than you could have imagined. With him so focused on chasing his own high, you rub circles on your clit to bring yourself over the edge again. You tumble over the edge for a second time just as Joshua’s thrusts get erratic. You do your best to take over the rhythm before slowing down.
Joshua collapses on top of you, cock still buried in your pussy, and sighs. His weight on top of you feels like the best security you’ve ever had. Your hands find their way into his hair, gently stroking and scratching his scalp. As he comes back around, he presses his head further into your hand.
“Hey,” you say when he looks up at you.
“You’re perfect,” he responds and you can’t keep the smile off your face.
“You were pretty perfect yourself,” you say.
“Am I too heavy, I could…” he starts and you pull him tighter against you.
“Don’t you dare,” you warn.
He doesn’t say anything, just nuzzles his face into your neck. But, you know that you can’t stay like this forever. So you don’t protest when he gently pulls himself up and gets out of the bed. You’re right behind him, leading him into the bathroom so that you can get both of you cleaned up.
After getting cleaned up, dressed, and doing your respective night time routines, you and Joshua are settled back into your bed (on top of a fresh set of sheets). Although you’ve never been much for falling asleep cuddling, you can’t imagine leaving any space between you and him. When he wraps himself around you, all you can do is smile and settle deeper into his perfect chest. Honestly, every inch of this man is perfect and you’d be annoyed if you weren’t so helplessly attached to him.
And it’s the best sleep you’ve gotten in a long time. You wake up with his chest pressed into your back and his arm still wrapped around you. It sounds like he’s still asleep based on his breathing and so you’re just considering slipping out of the bed. He moves in his sleep and pulls you tighter against him, making you feel that he’s semi-hard again. You press back against him, almost testing if he’s really asleep.
He’s not.
Joshua’s hand, already against the skin of your stomach and underneath your shirt, moves further up to your breast. His hand squeezes your breast and then he brushes his thumb over your nipple. Your body responds to his touch embarrassingly fast, which only seems to spur him on. He’s got your nipple between his fingers before you press back into him again, wiggling your ass against his dick without pretending you’re doing otherwise.
“Good morning beautiful,” Joshua says in a raspy voice into your ear.
The warmth of his breath along with the pressure of him rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger has you suppressing a moan. In the quiet of the morning, he hears it anyway. He removes his hand from your breast and you want to pout at the loss of contact. That is, until his hand works down between your legs, roughly grabbing hold of your pussy through your shorts. He runs his middle finger through your folds, likely feeling the way your shorts are getting soaked through already.
“Feels like someone might have woken up ready,” he says into your ear, voice sinfully low. His finger is still slowly teasing you through the damn material of your shorts. Somehow that makes it feel hotter.
“I wonder why,” you retort, undermined by the way you squirm under his touch.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asks and stops his movements.
Your hand immediately moves to his. To guide him back to your cunt. “Please don’t. Want to see what those hands can do.”
His mouth is still by your ear, so you hear the dark chuckle and feel the air tickle you. He moves your hand aside along with your shorts as he slips his hand inside the fabric. His middle finger resumes the previous pattern almost lazily. You’re about to ask him to stop teasing you when he presses a finger inside you suddenly.
“Fuck,” you nearly scream.
“Is someone a little sensitive?” he teases. He’s a fucking demon and you would gladly sell your soul so he didn’t stop.
The way he pumps his finger inside of you is entirely too slow. But, when you try to meet his rhythm, he stops. Just when you think you might actually die, he inserts a second finger. It makes your back arch, pressing your ass further against his now very hard cock. He hisses and pulls his fingers out from you. As you’re turning over to adjust your position, you see him insert his fingers into his mouth. Holy shit. He really is the hottest man you’ve ever met.
Instead of letting you carry on in any way, he pushes himself up and repositions. You’re not really sure what he’s doing until he reaches for your shorts to pull them off. His focus is on you, silently asking for permission again. All you can do is nod.
“Told you that I wanted to taste you,” he reminds you once your shorts are off.
“Are you sure…” you start to ask before he cuts you off.
His head snaps up so he can meet your eyes. “I’ve been waiting to taste you for weeks.”
That shuts you up pretty effectively. What can you really say in response to that? Anything you might have said dies in your throat as he licks a messy stripe up your folds. He quickly settles, using one hand to keep you spread open for him, and licks into you. It’s all you can do to keep your eyes on him as his head bobs between your legs. You thread your fingers through his hair to keep him in place even though you know he’s not going anywhere. (And okay, maybe it’s more to ground yourself to him than anything else.)
It shouldn’t be surprising that his attentiveness translates this well, but it is a little surprising how well he seems to know your body. The way he knows just when to switch from licking into your cunt to flicking his tongue over your clit. The way he knows when he needs to add a finger and then a second. The way he can tell everything your body needs before you even realize it.
By the time he pulls himself up your body, he’s got you nearly panting from the build up. The kiss he presses to your lips is sloppy and a little desperate. Like you’re both totally fucked out. His fingers inside you keep a relentless pace as he hooks them, hitting that perfect spot.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you yell out, breaking the kiss. Your whole body feels like it’s on fire in an entirely different way from the night before.
There’s nothing in the world but Joshua and the way he coaxes everything out of you. The way he has you squirting on his fingers. You’re not even sure if the praise coming out of your mouth makes any sense and you’re definitely not sure what he says in return. It’s all you can do just to appreciate the moment.
You think that you’re going to get the chance to get your mouth around his cock now that he’s given you another mind blowing orgasm. But, by the time you get your breathing under control, you see that he’s rolling a condom from your drawer onto himself. He pulls you to the edge of the bed so that your legs are hanging off. It’s instantly stronger than you’re expecting from him and pulls a gasp from you.
Without even thinking, your legs fall open. Joshua seems to have found a bottle of lube, too, and spreads it over his cock. When he lines himself up at your entrance, you expect him to ease in like the night before. He doesn’t. He snaps his full length inside of you in one motion and you’re so overstimulated, but it feels so good.
“Fuck me, Joshua, oh my fucking god,” you say and clench down around his dick.
“Shit, that feels so good,” he hisses.
“You feel so good,” you moan.
“You have no idea,” he answers and starts thrusting.
It’s a complete haze from the moment you hear his skin slap against your own. Every coherent thought leaves your head. There is nothing in the world but you and him and the way you make each other feel. He leans over your body, crowds your space. Steals sloppy, desperate kisses. Praises you constantly and in broken sentences. It’s all you can do just to hold on, so sore and so unable to stop.
Your hands grip into the sheets around you that are completely rumpled. You try everything to keep your eyes on Joshua’s face. Memorize the way he looks when he’s concentrating. Appreciate how totally gone he is because you’re sure it’s the same look you have. Delight in the way his eyes get even wider when you clench your pussy around him.
It feels a little like he’s using your body to chase his own high, except there’s total comfort in that. All you want is for him to feel as good as you do. All you want is for him to get that release, especially since you haven’t been able to get your mouth on his cock yet.
“Harder Joshua, please. I know you’re close,” you beg and he obliges immediately.
Even though you’re trying to meet the rhythm, you can’t. It’s too erratic and too unpredictable. So you pull him down to you again and kiss him. Slip your tongue inside his mouth and let the kisses get as sloppy as they need to. You feel how close he is and only kiss him harder. He breaks the kiss for the last few thrusts, groaning as he comes. You’re right there with him.
(Later, he tells you that he’s never seen anyone hotter than you when you come. It would make you embarrassed in any other situation. But, you realize that you’ve never been with anyone that’s come close to him, so maybe it’s okay to accept his praise. Maybe you deserve it. Maybe this is the person that you’ve been waiting for.)
Now, you really do have to get up and clean up. As tempting as Joshua’s offer to shower together is, you don’t want it to turn into shower sex because that’s just not sexy (or practical). Neither one of you can seem to guarantee keeping their hands off the other. Instead, you tell him that he can use the shower in your guest room. It’s fully stocked and there are still more spare clothes in there. He insists that he should get some laundry going because you must be running out of clean sheets and you definitely made a mess.
With Joshua cleaning up some around the house, you’re the first out of the shower and dressed. Pleasantly sore in the kind of way you really enjoy. You’re sitting on the couch and scrolling through your phone, trying to decide if you want to order food or just cook what you already have. Before you can make a decision, there’s a knock at the door. It’s impossible to guess who it could be. Even Jeonghan wouldn’t bother you like this. Although he’s been texting asking for an update after you told him you finally got your shit together, he wouldn’t show up like this.
When you open the door, you’d give anything for it to just be Jeonghan. Instead, you see a face that you’ve been seeing entirely too much lately.
“What are you doing here, Johnny?” you ask with a heavy sigh.
“I need to talk to you,” he says.
“Why?” you ask.
“Come on, don’t be like that,” he pleads.
“Johnny, it’s the day after your wedding. What the fuck are you doing on my doorstep?” you ask, arms crossed.
“Are you really going to make me do this in the hallway?” he asks.
“I don’t see any reason to invite you inside,” you retort.
“It’s about your, uh, boyfriend,” Johnny says a little awkwardly.
“Joshua?” you ask because that actually piques your interest a bit.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“No. What about Joshua?” you ask.
“This is really awkward. It would be better if we were sitting down…” Johnny starts.
“My little honeybun, is everything okay?” Joshua asks from inside the apartment. He must be out of the shower.
“Babe, we talked about the pet names,” you remind him as he joins you at the door.
“Oh, uh, I wasn’t expecting him to be here,” Johnny says.
“I’m her boyfriend, so I know why I’m here. What are you doing here?” Joshua says without hiding any disdain.
"Are you really her boyfriend, though?" Johnny challenges.
You stiffen almost imperceptibly, but Joshua must notice it because he wraps an arm around you protectively. "Of course I am. Why are you here?"
“I needed to talk to her,” Johnny says stiffly.
“About you, apparently,” you say with your eyes on Joshua.
“Right, so can you give us a minute?” Johnny asks with his eyes on Joshua.
“No, he can’t. If you have something to say, just say it. Then you can leave us alone,” you say.
“Fine, if you really want it to be like this, fine,” Johnny says. “I knew he looked familiar when I saw him at your parents’ house with you. It just took me a while. I ran into him at a couple of functions back when I was in college and traveling all around for my dad.”
“Okay? And? I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why I care,” you say even though you know where he’s going.
“He was always with older women,” Johnny presses.
“Can you just make your point so we can get back to our day?” Joshua asks.
“Fine,” Johnny says, irritated. “The whispers were that women paid him to come to the events with them. That he was selling himself to them.”
You actually snort at the phrasing. It takes you several seconds to compose yourself. You wonder what the point of Johnny doing this and if it’s his way of trying to keep you on the hook. Then you realize that you don’t really care what he does. For the first time in forever, you’re genuinely happy.
“I’m glad you think this is funny,” Johnny says.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I know how Joshua helped pay for his education. And like why am I going to give him a hard time over seizing an opportunity? There’s nothing wrong with profiting off of someone wanting his company platonically,” you say.
“You’re assuming he wasn’t also sleeping with them,” Johnny says, a little stubborn.
“No, I’m not assuming. I know he wasn’t because we’ve talked about this. He told me all about it without even being prompted. And unlike certain people in my life, I have absolutely no reason to doubt him. I know I can actually trust him,” you say. “It was also years before we met. We’ve all got history.”
“Nice dig,” he says.
“It’s not a dig, Johnny. Not everything is a slight,” you say with a sigh. “Where does Gabby think you are?”
“What?” Johnny asks.
“Your wife,” you clarify. “Where does she think you are?”
“Oh, well, that’s not important. I just said I had some errands to take care of,” Johnny says and you roll your eyes.
“We’re done, Johnny,” you say.
“Wait,” he says as you’re moving to shut the door. “I know I fucked up, but…”
“There’s no buts. Not anymore,” you say. “Maybe there was a point where I’d want to hear the buts and the apologies and all that. I’m happy now, though, and you can’t even tell your wife that you came to see your ex-fiancee the day after your wedding.”
“It’s not like…” he starts and you start to close the door at the same time.
“It’s exactly like that. Goodbye, Johnny,” you say.
The second you close the door, you feel a giant weight lifted off you. You just feel tired. It’s obvious that there aren’t any feelings there anymore, so him pretending he cares as a pretense to see you just feels irritating.
“Are you okay?” Joshua asks, eyes raking over you.
“Yeah, I’m good,” you say.
“You sure?” he asks.
“Yeah, really. I think I knew when I saw him at my parents’ house that time you came over for dinner that I was completely over it,” you say. “I’m sorry he tried to bring something like that up or make it a big deal.”
“I don’t care. It’s like you said, I did it and I’m not ashamed of that,” he says. “But, uh, I really wanted to thank you.”
“For what?” you ask.
“For defending me and for saying you trust me,” he says. It makes you a little shy for a second, so you look down.
“Oh, well, it’s not a big deal,” you say.
Joshua closes the space and tilts your chin up to look at him. “It’s a huge deal to me. I know we started pretending, but trusting me means the absolute world.”
“You make it easy,” you admit.
That seems to render him a little speechless as well because all he does is pull you into him in the tightest hug he’s ever given you. Your body fits into his like a puzzle piece. Which sounds sappy, even if in your head, and you don’t actually care. It’s the safest and the happiest you’ve ever felt.
“What?” he asks when you pull away.
“Nothing, I just think this is going to work,” you say.
Joshua smiles at you, that genuine smile he saves for when he’s at his happiest. “Yeah, I think so too.”
i hope you enjoyed this fic! let me know your thoughts 💕
PAIRING: Witch!Joshua x Cursed!Reader
SUMMARY: You’ve suffered your entire life after a single magical accident when you were thirteen. Joshua has been your biggest comfort and anchor, but he also becomes your deepest regret.
WC: 18,176
AU: Magic/Witches, Modern Fantasy
GENRE: Friends to Lovers, Doomed Lovers, Heavy Angst, Smut
RATING: 18+ Minors are strictly prohibited from engaging in and reading this content. It contains explicit content and any minors discovered reading or engaging with this work will be blocked immediately.
WARNINGS: Death and implied accidental murder of a sibling, childhood trauma, creepy vibes, heavy angst, a lot of internal monologue featuring angst, physical and verbal abuse from members of the town toward reader, Joshua and other members sometimes try to solve things on behalf of reader and she finds it frustrating (this is discussed), explicit sexual content including vaginal fingering, nipple play, oral (m. receiving), unprotected sex, not explicit dom/sub dynamics at all but Joshua is definitely in charge, subspace/blacking out post sex, heavy angst ending - reader and Joshua are some vengeful bitches - I would say this is probably an unhappy ending in a sense of the problem isn’t resolved (that we know of) and the ending is a bit ambiguous.
A/N: This was a fic I originally had on my BTS blog (of the same name), but I have edited for Joshua because idk he just fit the vibes. I assure you, I did more than just flip names in this. I sat down and edited this quite a bit - you’ll be able to tell the parts that are like.. My old style of writing vs. where you see new stuff because my tone/cadencs are totally different, but hopefully it works :)
MASTERLIST | ASK | ▷NOW PLAYING: HAUNTING BY HALSEY
JOSHUA IS GOOD AT HOLDING GRUDGES. Even as a child, his mother always said he had a tough time letting things go. He never knew how right she would be. His mother’s words are all he can think about as he storms through the dark of the forest, shadows whispering about him as he looks for the lone hut in the very dark of the woods.
Little hut, little hut
Hidden in the wood
Little hut, little hut
Up to no good
If his parents could see him now, he knows they would be broken. Tear-streaked and shaking, a lost boy alone in the woods and drowning in anger so hot that the ground scorches beneath his feet. Looking for a salve. Looking for vengeance.
Little hut, little hut
Alone in the gloom
Little hut, little hut
Silent as a tomb
Blood witches are dangerous. Joshua knows this, everyone knows this. A blood witch is the reason why his parents are dead and he is storming through the darkness in the throes of madness. But Joshua is only thirteen and full of pain and desperation, vowing to never let something happen like this again. If he has to use a devil to defeat a devil, he will.
Little hut, little hut
Across the dark stream
Little hut, little hut
Wait for the scream
A dark stream wends its way through the trees. Joshua gets a running start and jumps across the whispering waters. When he lands on the other side, he waits. It took a lot of searching to find someone to tell him how to find the witch in the woods. No one comes here, especially not in the dead of night on Beltane.
They say only evil comes from the little hut in the woods. Joshua knows now that it isn’t true. Evil comes from anywhere and everywhere, even from the people that one least expects. Evil killed his parents. Evil is why he is alone, crying on the edge of the stream, waiting for the sound of a banshee's call.
He hears it then. A one-note wail, thin and high-pitched. His blood goes cold and the fight in him nearly goes out at the sound. His heart begins to pound so loud that it’s all he can hear, the thundering beat of panic and terror as he realizes what he’s about to do.
“Little hut, little hut,” a voice that he cannot see calls to him. There is no hut that Joshua can see. Only omnipresent darkness, cloying the air in front of him. A tingle skitters over his arms and he becomes acutely aware of another presence there with him in the dark. “I call to thee. Little hut, little hut, come to me.”
Joshua blinks rapidly a few times and sees the outline of a hut in front of him. It has a blurry shape like it’s really the idea of a house. It’s so shadowed and opaque that he’s not entirely sure if it’s really there. He walks toward it anyway, one foot in front of the other, looking at the hut.
If a home could be a phantom, he thinks this is what the hut is. There is a vibrational pull here, a dull buzz in his veins as he gets closer and closer to where the blood witch lives. His stomach turns and his instincts beg him to leave. There is evil in this place. He knows it. Can feel its oily presence like a poisonous slick in his veins.
A door - or rather what he imagines is a door shape - stands open in the hut. Inside is eternal darkness like Joshua has never seen before. The buzzing in his veins has become stronger, an itch he can’t scratch. A ringing in his ears.
Sometimes to beat evil, you must use evil. So Joshua steps into the house despite all the reasons he should turn around and run. Because he is alone, he is in pain, and he needs some sort of penance. Justice.
So he asks the blood witch for a favor.
Little hut, little hut
Hear my strife
Little hut, little hut
Ruin this life
-
When the rock hits you right at the top of your spine, you know it isn’t an accident. All the same, you spin on your heel and look at the edge of the lake where the kids are skipping stones. They squeal and look away from you, huddled together as they giggle and look over their shoulders with frantic and excited faces.
You clench your fists and keep going. What can you do to a group of kids? Tossing children into the lake while you’re an adult seems unfair, though it certainly crosses your mind. It isn’t necessarily their fault that they were taught to have such hate in their hearts at a young age, after all.
So, you keep going, grinding your teeth as you march up the slope toward the main pathway that cuts through the park, gravel crunching beneath your feet as you quicken your strides to put distance between you and the cackling children. You’re not positive they won’t throw another rock at you, and you think that it might send you over the edge.
Early preparation for the Beltane festival is in full swing all over the park. There are trucks unloading carts and piecing together stalls, vendors and contractors with clipboards walking through spray painted grass with city officials, and a giant maypole waiting to be constructed.
Living in a town of witchy folk can be fun, you suppose. The only downside is that most of the witches in your town despise you and think you’re an abhorrent blight to the earth. If killing and sacrifices hadn’t been outdated and frowned upon, you’re sure they would have stuck you to an altar as a child the first time you showed signs of being a leech.
Leech.
It’s an unkind thing to call witches who siphon magic. It isn’t something you can control - it isn’t even something you were born with. Most witches who siphon magic are born that way. A sort of magical defect in the way they interact naturally with the world.
Most think of siphoners as a plague to the witch community. Thieves and monsters who can only feed on magic to make magic, a perversion of the natural balance of things. The way you look at it, witches who siphoned aren’t really any different from the natural order of the world. All living things need an energy source: food for animals, sun for plants, bacteria for amoebas. It isn’t different, really.
Perhaps you would not be so kind to leeches, though, had you not began your existence as a siphoner at thirteen years old.
It isn’t a night that you enjoy remembering, but it is certainly a night you can’t seem to forget. One moment you could command your magic like most other witches. Most, because you were a blood witch with raw talent and a powerful relationship with the earth’s energy.
Blood witches were as revered as they were feared, witches who needed no spells. Who could use the magic within them instead of their connection with the earth to conjure. To blood witches, all other witches were leeches, really. You didn’t tell that to your coven, though you thought about the irony often.
Your blood magic had vanished, though. It happened while you lay asleep in your bed, pressed up against your twin sister. Twins were a special thing in covens, a rarity in the magical order of the world that was seen as a good omen. There was a connection you shared with her deeper than the connection to your own magic, a bond that rooted the two of you together. That made you seek one another out for comfort.
It had been storming that night and you had sought out the warmth of her bed and the vanilla sugar of her hair to soothe your nerves. You didn’t like storms and thunder very much, but she was wide awake in her bed, watching out the window as purple lighting cracked across the sky and thunder shook the house.
You’d slipped into her bed without a word and she stood guardian over you, hand tucked in yours as she watched the sky light up. You remember her laying down next to you after the storm passed. The warmth of her breath on your cheek as she fell asleep. The hum between the two of you, soul recognizing soul.
She’d been dead by morning, magic siphoned and drained dry in the middle of the night.
The memory of it is metallic in your mouth. You head toward your apartment, hands tucked into the pockets of your jeans, head down. Beltane always makes you think of your sister. Makes you think of the morning you woke up on your thirteenth Beltane to find her cold and dead, magical signature gone. Severed. Torn away from you.
Losing your ability to generate magic was only second to losing your sister. You still feel adrift fifteen years later. Moving through the world with a piece of you missing. Two pieces of you, if you count the fact that you can feel the magic around you but not reach for it. You never reach for it, though you suspect that no one believes you.
Except maybe Joshua. But even he doesn’t know the story of how you became what you are. All he knows is that you can’t create your own magic, and yet he’s never shamed you for it. Never turned his back on you, or berated you or bullied you.
That sort of kindness is a rarity in your world.
Your small town is easy to navigate. There’s not much that happens that doesn’t immediately become the knowledge of all citizens, and there’s not really a way to get lost unless you’re a tourist coming to visit the country's spookiest and most magical town. The locals are pretty firm believers in magic, but the out of towners don’t really believe. They just want camp and kitsch.
It’s busy season, the streets filled with people buying decorations to celebrate Beltane, restaurants full of tourists trying out local fare between going shop to shop. The festivals always draw a big crowd to your corner of the world, making it easier for you to blend in with all the rest of them. It almost makes you feel normal when someone doesn’t recognize you and immediately scowls. Sometimes you can even get away with eating at places that wouldn’t normally serve you, the workers too busy to really look at your face and see you.
A few people have taken pity on you outside of Joshua. Seungcheol and Jeonghan would never turn you away, always welcoming you with open arms, a warm cup of tea and free books for as long as you like at their bookstore. You’re not technically allowed in the metaphysical store on Fourth, but as long as Jihoon is working, you can walk through the rows and rows of crystals, grimoires, spices and charms. Joshua is where you’re really home, though, his bakery a place of safety and fresh-smelling sugar cookies.
It’s where you go now, sticking to the shop windows and away from the tourists flowing all over Main Street like ants. There’s a line stretched out the door when you get to Wicked Sweet Bakery, and Chan looks helpless behind the counter as he nods while taking an order, wide-eyed and terrified.
Joshua is at the delivery counter, flour staining his cheeks and brows as he nods politely and hands a box of cupcakes over to his customer. As though he can sense you, he lifts his head and swivels, eyes scanning until they land on you, immediately shining. Your stomach leaps the way it often does around him, especially when he breaks out into a beautiful smile and jerks his thumb at an apron.
You roll your eyes. You’re not technically an employee at the bakery, but you’re the next best thing, grabbing an apron from the rack to attempt to help the stressed out witches behind the counter.
“Can you take over the order counter?” he asks, the blush on his face the only sign that he’s getting a little frazzled. You nod and he winks at you, leaning over to press a quick, chaste kiss on your cheek. “You’re an angel.”
“Mhmm,” is the only response you manage before he’s leaning over Chan’s shoulder to correct something on the register.
There’s a smooth cadence to helping around the store. You fall into a pattern, calling out order numbers and passing over boxes of charmed sweets. The customers don’t know they’re charmed - at least not the people outside the magical community. They come here for the famous rose scones that inspire love and the lemon tarts that generate good luck, but they don’t realize how much of himself Joshua really pours into these sweets, magic and all.
Being here is nice. Chan grins when he sees you behind the counter, happy for the help. He still gets overwhelmed behind the till, and he’s more than happy to step back and chew his lip nervously when he processes a discount wrong. You’re up next to him before he can ask for help, typing on the screen while gently walking him through it again.
Chan is a good kid, an elemental witch who is prone to cause rainstorms when he gets stressed. For now, he is a bottle of sunshine, thanking you shyly and letting you know that he saved you a bag of butterscotch cookies in the back.
“I put in a little extra sunshine,” he promises. By that, you know that he means magic. To give you. You open your mouth to scold him but he shakes his head furiously. “I wanted to do it. You can’t yell at me. I’m your favorite.”
That gets you. It’s hard to be mad at him, especially when anger is likely to set him off into a rainstorm. Chan gives you a wicked smile, his little ego sharp and wicked under his sweet surface. You let him off with an eye roll and a squeeze of his wrist, making him beam.
This is what keeps you going most days. The unfettered kindness that Joshua and his friends show you. None of them are locals to town, but they had formed their own coven a little at a time, a circle under the broad umbrella of the town's overall witch population.
Covens are difficult. You’re both in and not in Joshua’s coven, an unofficial member by friendship. But you don’t practice anymore - won’t let yourself - so you’re on the outside looking in most weekends and during spiritual times of the year.
But by witch standard, you are a part of the covenstead of the town, the larger collective of witches who are loyal and responsible for one another, all answering to the high priestess.
When the rush of customers and shouting orders over the glass dies down, you lean against the counter and reach a hand out just as the door to the back swings open. Joshua has a glass bottle of soda ready for you, and he blinks in surprise when he sees your hand ready for it. You’re a little surprised as well.
“It’s freaky when the two of you do that,” Chan comments, eyes bouncing between you and Joshua as the older hands you the bottle. “You’re always so in-tune.”
“She’s a witch,” Joshua snorts, leaning against the glass case of mostly empty dishes as he takes a swig of his own. “Divination and all that is sort of what we do.”
“Yeah, but it only happens with you.”
You don’t meet Joshua’s eyes as you swig from the bottle, the carbonation fizzing on your tongue. “I know you’re jealous, Chan,” is Joshua’s answer. Always deflecting. You're grateful for the way he rolls with the punches, easily accepting the way others talk about you two as an item so you don’t have to. “Are you hoping those butterscotch cookies win her over?”
Thunder cracks in the sky as Chan goes red in the voice, launching into an argument with Joshua who starts laughing like a maniac.
When it’s time to close down the shop, you help the two of them out. Joshua goes to the back to begin batching things anew: fondant, bread, frosting - anything that he can let sit overnight or prep while the lights are out and he’s gone home. You focus on cleaning with Chan, letting him put on a pop playlist while he sings along, siren voice lulling you into a steady rhythm.
Part of you wants to ask what they’re doing for Beltane. Celebrating the holidays used to be your favorite, threading flowers through your hair, blessing your hearth and home, weaving new spells of prosperity and happiness alongside your sister. Now you don’t participate in any of the rituals with the others.
Most of the time, you celebrate alone in your room. Mark the points of the elements and the compass on your bedroom floor alone. Sit in front of a single candle, watching the flame flicker as you draw your circle of salt, murmuring blessings. It isn’t a powerful place of practice and you have no alter to communicate through, but it's something. It’s yours.
Instead of asking, you follow Joshua and Chan out of the door on the promise of dinner. This is the one thing that does feel like a ritual you’re allowed to participate in, holding chapel at Joshua’s dining room table and elbowing with Soonyoung or Mingyu for scraps of food piled high in the center of the table.
Evening sky stretches overhead as you walk between Joshua and Chan. You cast your eyes upward, watching the gray clouds float by. Joshua throws an arm around you, pulling you in close and squeezing you to his side. He smells like vanilla and sweet orange from making his tangerina vanilla cakes for Seungkwan. You breathe in his scent, letting it wash through you like a balm.
His arm presses a little too hard on the bruise where the rock from earlier nailed you, and you hiss, reaching behind your head automatically to adjust his hold on you.
“What?” he asks, lifting his arm and slowing his gait. Joshua’s face is picture-perfect concern, mouth tilted downward, a crease in his brows. Before you can explain, his hands are pulling at the collar of your shirt. “You’ve got a welt here, what the hell is that?”
You smack at his hands and step away from him, pulling his warm fingers from your shirt. “It’s nothing.”
“Whenever you say ‘it’s nothing’ it's always something. Why do you have a lump on the top of your spine?”
Dancing away from him, you grab Chan who grunts, mouth full of corn chips as you shove him between you and Joshua. More unhappy noises come from the youngest as Joshua grabs for you but you squeak and use Chan’s broad body to block him again.
“Yah!” Joshua yells, reaching both arms around either side of Chan to grab you. He manages to get one of your arms, pulling you toward him - and by default, Chan - and keeps a firm grip while you swat and fight back.
“Aish!” Chan howls between the two of you, adding to the chaos as he shoves both of you away from him. “Stop using me as a battering ram! I’m going to drop my chips! Guys!”
“Tell me why you have a wound!”
“It isn’t a wound!”
“It’s a type of wound!”
“Ugh let my arm go, hulk! What are you doing at the gym? Juicing? Jesus Christ!”
“Stop hissing at me like a rat! Are you trying to bite me?”
Chan drops his bag of chips and lets out a long, forlorn wail. “My chiiiiiiiiips!”
After a struggle, you manage to shake Joshua off of you, taking a few steps back as you huff angrily, fists at your side. Joshua sidesteps Chan who is pouting and looking at the ground, blonde bangs falling in his eyes as he stares at the spilled corn chips. Joshua makes it worse by stepping on them with a crunch, earning a shriek from Chan that goes ignored.
“Did someone hurt you?”
A rumble rolls through the sky from up above. You cast your gaze upward, looking at the clouds that are a little more swollen than they were a few minutes ago. You can sense the static in the air, a promise of lightning if you don’t diffuse Joshua’s anger quickly.
Similar to Chan, Joshua is sensitive to the elements. Where Chan has an affinity for the sky and the rain, Joshua has a lot more skill with fire. Still, Joshua is a powerful witch and his rage on more than one occasion has disturbed the sky and the lake in the middle of town.
It’s partly the reason he works so hard on never getting angry.
“It’s nothing, Joshua,” you answer softly, eyes pleading. You desperately want him to drop it. Part of you is honored that he cares, but the other half of you can’t bear the way he looks at you. “Please drop it.”
“Someone hurt you. Again.”
Thunder echoes across the sky. Chan looks upward. “That isn’t me, even though I am mad about my chips. And about being oggled at by Mrs. Hansen again, she really wants my goodies.”
“Shua, it isn’t a big deal. Please.” You glance upward, thunder rolling again. “You’re going to make it rain.”
“I’ll make it do more than rain when I find out who did it.”
“They were just kids, Shua. You can’t-”
He swears loudly and there’s a flash of lightning above your head. It makes you think of that night with your sister, laying in bed to let the storm pass. You clap your hands over your ears and squeeze your eyes shut, automatically crouching to make yourself small.
Behind your shut eyes, you try not to let the memories come. Try not to imagine the vanilla scent of her hair, warm hands on your skin turned cold the next morning. You block out the screams, the way your mother shoved you away and your father yelled and yelled and yelled and-
Above, the thunder stops. Rain doesn’t fall, and the air pressure returns to normal. Shivering, you crack an eye open to look at Joshua, terrified at what you might find. His anger is so rare, but every time you witness it, it’s like watching a sudden storm bloom on the horizon, all terrible wind and teeth, but beautiful in its power.
Chan is murmuring in Joshua’s ear now, voice hushed and urgent. Joshua’s eyes become unfocused as he nods, Chan’s hands grasping the older’s biceps firmly. When Joshua’s eyes find yours over Chan’s shoulder, they’re fathomless. Endless pools of warm brown, and something else that you can’t decipher as he murmurs something back to Chan, who steps away.
Licking his lips, Joshua offers you a hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. I’m sorry.”
You swallow thickly. Reach out a tentative hand. “It’s okay.”
“You know I would never hurt you?”
Of course you know that. You aren’t afraid of Joshua or the power he holds. You aren’t afraid of what he can do. You are afraid of the memories that nip at your heels like a pack of jackals. You are afraid that one day he’ll decide you’re not enough. You are afraid of the way that it makes you feel when he’s this close, his voice pitched low, soft eyes only for you.
“I know that,” you murmur, letting him pull you toward him. “It’s just the thunder, that's all.”
His smile is soft. “I know, I’m sorry.” He squeezes your hand. It’s a perfect fit, your palm in his. His skin buzzes with magic. You pull your hand from his quickly, not trusting yourself to touch him. You’ll never make that mistake again - especially with him. “Let’s go home, yeah?”
-
Home isn’t the small apartment on the west side of town that you keep by yourself. Home is Joshua’s two-story house in the suburbs made of brick and mortar. It’s the crowded dining room packed tight with chairs pulled close to the wooden table and a chandelier full of burner candles and incense. It’s Joshua’s cat familiar running yowling down the corridor as Jihoon’s maine coon chases it, hissing.
Home is the handful of witches who don’t care that you can’t generate your own magic, all of them laughing and pushing empty plates toward the middle of the table where Seungcheol collects them with a snap of his fingers, the cutlery lifting and stacking neatly with the soft click of ceramic.
Bloated and overly-satiated, you lean back in your chair, sighing heavily. Jihoon is next to you, quiet and staring off into space the way that he often does. Next to him, Jeonghan and Seungcheol have their heads bowed together whispering, a blush flushing across Seungcheol’s wine-glazed expression and tops of his ears.
Seungcheol and Jeonghan strike something in you. A longing that tugs at your heart strings, drawing your gaze to the man sitting on the other side of you. Joshua is leaning back in his chair, arm stretched over the back of your seat as he yawns mid-conversation with Junhui.
Joshua is barely touching you, but just the warmth of his arm is enough to make you dizzy. It’s barely there, just against the top of your back. You lean into him a little, resting your head on top of his arm. He maneuvers his hand to scratch the top of your head lightly. It feels so nice that your eyes flutter shut, letting him play with your hair as the noise in the room drifts to a dull buzz.
In another life, you think that this touch could be something more. Sometimes, you let yourself wonder if it is. Let yourself pretend that maybe Joshua’s lingering gaze and hand is more than the platonic affection he has for you.
It’s a silly dream.
When the dishes are washed and the others have said their goodbyes, it’s just you and Joshua leaning against the counter in the kitchen. He has a glass of wine, sipping it thoughtfully as you put the cork back in the wine bottle. When you meet his gaze, you see something there. Hesitance. Anxiety.
Joshua chews on his lips and swishes the wine in his glass. The red liquid arches elegantly along the sides of the glass, slowly dripping back down to pool in his cup. You remember once at a winery you could measure the legs or something when swishing wine in a glass. Joshua had taken you to that winery because he wanted to research wine making in general, considering creating and packing his own. He eventually tossed the idea out, wanting to focus on expanding his sweets menu instead.
“What’s wrong?” you ask, taking a sip out of your own cup. It’s a strong mulled wine with notes of cherry, you think. “You look nervous.”
“I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Your heart beats hard once. Then twice. Speeds up. Instead of answering right away, you take another sip, mind running through all of the things you think he might say. Maybe this is it, he’s going to tell you that you can’t come around as much. That though you’re his best friend, you have to stay away from his coven.
Instead, Joshua says, “You know I’ve looked into your situation.” You wince when he says it but he pushes forward, leaning off the counter as he grows eager. “You said you weren’t always a siphon, that you could control your own magic as a child. I’ve been researching similar cases, and there is a lot of evidence that supports that it might be a magical block.”
“Joshua.”
“Look, there’s nothing wrong with you. Never has been. There is nothing to fix. But I know you don’t share that same opinion, and I know that if you could change things, you would.” His jaw flexes. “And I care about your happiness. I just… Jihoon and I have been reading up on rituals to release magical blocks, and with Beltane in a few days, we thought…”
Warmth bubbles in your chest. You know how much this means to him, trying to help you. To free you from the burden that you carry with you wherever you go. This is not the first time he has brought up trying to figure out your ailment. Your situation. And though you’re glad he cares about you enough to try, there is something humiliating about it.
“You don’t have to decide tonight,” Joshua murmurs. You look up at him and his gaze is soft. Vulnerable. “But if you want us to try, we discussed it. And our circle is strong enough to try it on Beltane.”
Licking your lips, you nod once. “I’ll think about it. Thanks for thinking of me.”
“I’m always thinking of you.” You give him a look and he smiles, a little sad. “What? I am.”
“Stop trying to be charming. I’ll only say yes if I want to.”
“I have no doubt about that. However, it is impossible for me to stop my charm. It is a natural gift. I am, afterall, a gentleman.”
You roll your eyes. “A gentleman who lacks humility.”
“Ah, but my hubris seems so small whenever Seungcheol is around.”
You don’t push the argument. Joshua grins again before opening a drawer in his kitchen, pulling out a small, cloth bag. There’s a green ribbon tying the top of it shut, and you smell the herbs inside of it immediately: cedar, bay leaves, mugwort.
Joshua holds the bag out to you and you frown, taking it. It’s weighted with crystals. You squeeze the bag a little, feeling the crunch of crystal fragments and herbs. There is a vibration that travels from your fingers up your arms and you feel a sense of solid warmth.
“A protection bag,” you deadpan. “Really?”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t need this.”
“The welt on your neck says otherwise.”
“Please stop!” Your voice is loud in the empty kitchen. He pulls up short, leaning against the counter and watching you with wide eyes, lips parted slightly. You sigh deeply and close your eyes for a moment, calming yourself before you open them and say, “I don’t mean to yell, it’s just - it’s hard when I feel like all of you coddle me. It’s humiliating.”
“It wasn’t my intention. I’d never want to make you feel that way.”
“I know.”
You do know. The intentions are good, but you can’t help the raw, venomous edge of frustration. It makes you feel less than, this constant need to help you. To do things for you.
“I am a fully functioning adult who is capable of taking care of myself, despite being a thorn in the covenstead’s side.”
“You know that isn’t how we think of you.”
You give a frustrated noise. “Then please. Let me ask for help when I need it, and not just when you feel the desire to give it to me.”
Joshua is quick to catch the protection bag when you toss it back to him. He nods silently, eyes fixated on the floor. It feels like a hot stone has been dropped in your stomach, burning and weighing you down. How quickly a good dinner has turned sour, how the light air between the two of you has gone cold.
“Thank you for dinner. And for looking into a way out of this,” you gesture wildly to yourself. He nods, but there’s no mirth in his face. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah of course. Let me know about… you know.”
“Yeah. Yeah.”
That night, you have trouble sleeping, just like that night when you were thirteen years old.
-
The back door to Shadow Metaphysical opens, creaking as Jihoon sticks his head out of his office. His long hair is styled behind his ears and he’s in a soft-looking black sweater and jeans. He gives a visible sigh of relief when he sees it’s you and not one of his shithead coven mates coming to bother him for free stuff.
“Hey,” he greets, exiting the office. His familiar, Nami, shoots between his legs and toward the front of the store.
Jihoon leads you through the door to the main storefront. It’s closed for the evening and he has receipts and cash laid out on the counter as he balances his drawer for the day. Rows and rows of dark shelving littered with candles and wax light the way here. There’s no traditional lighting, floating candles up in the ceiling and random balls of light appearing every once in a while.
When you asked Jihoon how the non-magical customers didn’t think the magic was real, he simply said, That Harry Potter lady did me a solid. They all think it’s some sort of intricate system.
Shadow Metaphysical is one of your favorite places. It smells different each time you go in, the magic and the herbs and the spells inside of its four walls shifting with the energy of its employees and customers at all times. Today, it smells like night rain and crackling lightning.
Wordlessly, Jihoon gestures at the shelving, signaling to do whatever you need. He busies himself with going back to counting bills, head down and trusting you not to steal anything like everyone else in his coven. Not that he would care, as he’s always emphasized he has no problem not taking your money.
Still, you always pay him, especially since he lets you in after hours where no one can yell at you for being inside. The covenstead has barred magical stores from siphoners, convinced that the moment they cross the threshold, they’ll consume the entire store like gluttonous demons.
It isn’t true. Well. Not really, anyway. You feel the magic in the store throbbing like a wound in your side, begging you to reach out and touch it, to pull it in, to use, to burn it. You ignore it. You’re not here to eat magic like a parasite.
As you pass rows and rows of books on rituals, you think about Joshua’s offer to help you figure out your block. It wouldn’t be the first time you tried and failed to figure out what happened. With magic, the point of origin is always the key to any spell. The how and the where of your condition are important elements to figuring out the solution, but no one really knows the how and the where.
Your friends don’t have full clarity on that night. You’ve never told them in explicit detail of how you woke up, full of your sister’s magic. You’re sure they know, though. Everyone has whispered about the way you killed your sister in her sleep. A little murderer. You’d only escaped persecution for being a child, and because up until that fateful night, you’d never been a siphoner.
It helped that your family had been respected.
You pass a grimoire. The runes on it shine gold when you pause, winking at you, begging you to touch it. You feel the whisper of the spells of dozens of witches inside of it, their phantom fingers brushing down your arms. Your spine. They call to you, sing to you, press kisses that promise power on your brow, their fingers turning to claws and-
“Stop,” you growl out loud. The grimoire stops calling to you immediately, silenced by the violence in your voice.
Shaking off the encounter, you grab what you need from the shelves, ignoring the way other magical objects feel like they're looking at you, wanting to be picked up, to be touched, to be used. You shove away all acknowledgement of them, arms full of materials.
At the register, Jihoon gives you a wary look as you set things down on the counter. He takes his time scanning them, glancing at you occasionally. You can sense he wants to ask a question, dark eyes lingering a few times. That’s the thing about Jihoon, though. He’ll never ask, he’ll just wait until you give up.
Which you do, sighing and saying, “Ask.”
His lips twitch as he bags a few jars of thorns. “How often do the books in here talk to you?” You level a stare at him and he rolls his eyes. “I can hear you. I just pretend not to be nice. Plus, I have a magical tie to this shop, I can feel the energy shift. Everytime you’re here, it’s like suddenly the entire store has it’s eyes on you.”
“Great,” you growl. “Yes, it happens often. I don’t know if it’s a siphoner thing or a me thing. Most magic begs me to use it, but magical objects are worse. They’re borderline sentient.” You chew your lip and rub your sweaty palms on your jeans. “It’s worse around the sabbat holidays.”
“Stronger magic.”
“Yeah.”
“Did Joshua explain what ritual we talked about?” You shake your head. He pushes over a paper bag filled with all your things and you hand over your card. He doesn’t take it until you give him a pointed stare. Plucking it from your fingers, he sighs and says, “Two smaller rituals wrapped into one. Seungcheol found a really old binding ritual that was used to form a bridge between multiple rituals.”
“A chain spell,” you offer. “Impressive. I guess that would be used for improving upon old rituals?”
“Yeah, exactly that. Joshua had been doing some research on magical blocks, and found one that determines whether the point of origin is internal or external.”
“External?” He nods. “Like a curse?”
“Yes. Any reason anyone would want to curse a thirteen-year-old?”
Jihoon phrases it like a joke and chuckles. But you don’t laugh, stilling as you think about his question. Your immediate answer is no, at thirteen there was certainly nothing you could have done to be cursed. But you think about your parents, thinking about the fear revolving around their gifts for blood magic, think about the way they were always regarded with equal parts fear and reverence as coven leaders.
Curses aren’t common. It would take a coven of extremely skilled witches to curse someone, but it could take a single very skilled blood witch to perform one. Hexes aren’t long-term and are far more manageable, but you think about the way your power vanished, the way you bled your sister dry.
The misery you’ve faced since, the loss of your parents shortly after, the hatred from the covenstead.
“Holy shit, you don’t think you’re cursed, do you?” Jihoon’s question brings you out of your daze. All of the amusement has been wiped clean from his expression, eyes deadly serious. “Who would curse a child? And how? A hex is easy enough to manage, but a full on curse?”
“People were really afraid of my parents,” you murmur. “My mom used to lead the covenstead here, you know?” That surprises him and you nod, chewing on the inside of your cheek. “I forget you’re not from here, but yeah. My family led the covenstead until… well. All that happened.”
“I never knew that. No one talks about it.”
There is a question there. Jihoon won’t say it outright, but you sense the curiosity nonetheless. You feel your throat constrict a little as you murmur, “My parents killed themselves when my sister died. No one talks about it because… wel, would you?”
“No.”
“Exactly.”
“Your parents have any enemies prior to that?”
“There was…” You think back to the time when you were thirteen. Those days are painted so painfully when you think about them that it is hard to remember anything else. “My parents were involved in the Trials that were going on at that time. Hunting Dissenters.”
Jihoon’s face darkens. “I see.”
“They had a lot of enemies. So maybe… I don’t know.”
For a few moments, Jihoon doesn’t say anything. He busies himself with packing away the rest of the till and waving his hand, dousing all the lights in the store with ease. There’s a little pang as he does it, such simple magic that costs him nothing. That you have no access to.
“Well,” Jihoon sighs, a little awkwardly. “Think about it. If - and it’s unlikely - that someone cursed you, you’ll know if we go through with the ritual.” He pauses and levels you with a look. “It is dangerous though. So consider the risk before you agree, hmm?”
You nod and thank him. He leads you out of the store and gives you an awkward smile goodbye. Never affectionate, but always polite and warm nonetheless.
Sunset-purple skies stretch above you. It smells like fresh rain and earth outside. Town is quieter now that the evening crowd has finished dinner and gone home or back to their accommodations for the evening. You pass places with patio seating and small diners tucked between stores, wary eyes of the workers following you as you walk down the sidewalk.
No one says good evening. Some don’t look at you at all.
Curse.
The word weighs heavy on you. You’d never considered that your condition could be from a curse before, but now that you think about it, you can’t stop the thoughts racing through your mind.
The Trials had been a scary time for witches, Dissenters leaving covensteads to start their own, dark and forbidden spellwork becoming more and more popular among covens. Your parents - especially your mother - had been a huge part of cleansing the covenstead from witches who practiced dark magic.
Especially the few blood witches.
You had been a blood witch, though. Like your sister, like your mother. People had always been wary of them, which is why your mother worked so hard to get rid of the Dissenters when she was the head priestess.
They give us a bad name, she would say darkly when you and your sister asked why she was getting rid of witches like you. Like her. In times like this, we have to work extra hard to prove we aren’t evil.
Jihoon’s words weigh heavy on you as you sit in your apartment alone. You don’t bother to put the TV on, knowing that you won’t be able to pay attention to anything. Magic always comes at a price, and two rituals wrapped into one is going to take a toll.
And yet, you think about getting to the bottom of this sickness, this curse. This inability to do anything but steal magic, to leech off of others. You think about how your magic used to feel, the way you could command fire with a snap of your fingers or make stars fall from your bedroom ceiling.
An ache settles in your chest as you lay back on the couch and close your eyes, throat tight and eyes burning. You have been without magic for so long. Part of you thinks what's a little longer? But deep down, you crave it. The spark, the life, the touch of magic.
You want to be able to enter stores without the itch underneath your skin, an addiction you can’t cure nor divulge in. You want to be able to be a part of a community again, to do rituals with Jihoon and Chan and Joshua. You want to be able to help him in his bakery, imbuing his scones and cupcakes with love and a little spark of something extra.
Tears flow hot on your face. You know what you want, and you know that it’s going to cost you to get it. You know that to do this, you’ll have to be open and honest, because there are only two possible options for your magic block: you are cursed or you have a mental block.
It’s hard to know if being cursed as a result of your parents’ policing is worse than potentially having an internal block, an innate refusal to do magic because of what you did.
That night sits at the back of your mind like a stone, sinking sinking sinking. Pulling you under as you think about it in explicit detail. Maybe you simply killed your twin. A horrible accident, but perhaps it was just you. Your magic. Your fault.
And your magic had fled because of it, a self-inflicted punishment.
Before you’re aware of what you’re doing, you have the phone in your hand, sniffing and wiping your tears with the back of your hand. Your face feels swollen and sticky with tears and overwarm and it’s hard to get a breath as you press the phone to your ear, listening to the ringing.
Joshua picks up on the fourth ring, his voice cheery. “What, did Jihoon forget to let you in the store?”
“No.”
“I’m coming now,” Joshua says, completely forgoing humor when he hears you sniff, hears the waver in your voice. “Are you home?”
“Yeah.”
“Did anyone hurt you?”
“No,” you hiccup. “I’m just really sad and I don’t want to be alone.”
“I’ll be there in ten. Do you want to stay on the phone?” You shake your head and let out a little sob. Something about knowing he’s coming over to be with you cracks your resolve a little more. You realize he can’t see you when he prompts, “Hey, you there?”
“Sorry, no. Drive safely, please.”
“For you? Anything.”
Despite your tears, your mouth wobbles into a weak smile at that. It makes your heart squeeze just a little, underneath all the hurt.
It doesn’t take him long to let himself in the apartment. You can sense him before he even gets to the stairs leading up to your unit, his crackling energy like a beacon to you. When he opens the door with the key you gave him, he fills the space with static, magic snapping and tinged with worry.
Magic always belies how Joshua feels. Like now, as he rushes across the apartment, he is lightning, all energy and anxiety popping and snapping as he sits on the couch next to you, pulling you into his chest.
Joshua is warm and smells like vanilla and sweet orange from the bakery. It’s soothing. You close your eyes and clutch the hem of his shirt, resolve cracking the rest of the way as he becomes your anchor as you drift out to sea, holding you so that you can be lost in the overwhelming feeling of loss without getting too far.
He doesn’t tell you not to cry. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong. Joshua leans back on the couch, pulling you into his lap, folding your knees so that he can hold you. One hand rubs your back and he rests his chin on the top of your head, letting you use the crook of his neck as a place to hide - and turn into a waterfall for your tears.
This is what you love about Joshua though. He doesn’t pry. He just lets you use him, lets you cry it out and he waits.
When the tears begin to dry and you find it easier to breathe again, you shift away from Joshua and wipe your face. He smiles down at you, eyes glittering and expression so fond that you find yourself staring blankly into his face.
“I’m sorry,” you sniff. “And thank you for coming.”
“Anything for you.” You hate the way it makes your heart flip when he says that. You start to pull away from him to sit on the couch properly but his arms constrict you, keeping you to him. You frown but he asks, “I want to know what happened, if you’re ready to talk about it.”
Joshua is so close his breath fans your face. You look up at him. Silky, long lashes that you could individually count with your proximity, beautiful tan and smooth skin with a glow all witches have, pretty lips that are always the perfect shade of pink, curved upward in a permanent smile at the edges.
Your heart starts to speed up and your mouth dries out with the way he looks at you, intense and searching. Suddenly you’re afraid if he looks too hard, he’ll see down to your core.
“I- yeah. I need some water,” you croak, pulling away. He lets you go this time, unaware that what you really need is space between the two of you, a barrier so he can’t see. So he won’t know. “Turns out sobbing makes you thirsty.”
Before you can get all the way to the kitchen, there’s a soft clink accompanied by a full glass of water on your counter. You glare at Joshua over your shoulder and he winces and shrugs in apology.
As you gulp down mouthfuls of cool water, you wonder how to word exactly what you’re upset about. How you’re tired of existing in the world without your magic but you’re also unsure if you want to know the truth about why your magic left you.
Joshua is iffy on the details about the night your sister died. He’s never asked you explicitly for the story before, but if you want to go through with finding out the root cause of your block, you know you’ll be exposed. To him. To all of them. To his coven.
The desire to be one of them is so strong that it makes your knees weak as you walk toward the couch. You sit abruptly on the couch arm, staring into the distance as you drink the rest of the water. You want to join them so much, to celebrate the sabbat holidays, to feel the rush of a closed circle of magic and yet…
Would they accept you if they knew you killed your sister? You’re not so sure.
You look at Joshua. He waits patiently, watching you with soft eyes. Moonlight seeps in through the blinds behind him, wreathing him in silver light. He looks like a god, then. Of shadows, of night, of mystery. This best friend of yours who you love so much and who has loved you indiscriminately when he didn’t have to.
“I talked to Jihoon about maybe doing the ritual,” you start slowly. Joshua nods, encouraging you. “And I think I came to the conclusion that I want to do it. I’m tired of feeling everyone’s magic pull at me, like a vice that I have to ignore every day. And I’m tired of wanting to do things I used to, to feel the world around me. But most of all, I just want to be a part of something. A part of a coven, a family.”
Understanding paints Joshua’s face. He reaches a hand out and takes yours, giving you a firm squeeze. “You know even with no magic, you’re our family, right?”
“It’s different.” He starts to protest but you shake your head. “I want to be in a coven and to feel the power of a circle. I want to celebrate and do rituals with you, I want to be a part of something magical. I can’t do that like this, not without the fear of draining everyone.”
He nods. “Of course. We’ll have you either way, you know? We’d still welcome you like this.”
“But I’d never be able to close your circle.” Joshua nods. He knows the truth of this. “But this ritual requires truth, and there’s some things about me that I’ve never talked to you about. Things about the night I… I could no longer do magic. I want you to be informed, to know what we might find if we do this.”
“Only if you want to tell me.”
“A coven and a working circle requires trust and honesty. I can never be one of you if you don’t know me completely.”
He nods. “That is true.”
“I’m going to tell you about the night that my sister died.” He squeezes your hand and nods, but says nothing else. “My sister and I were twins, both blood witches. Unusual enough for our parents and the covenstead to be incredibly proud of us, but not unusual enough for people to be afraid, you know?”
“Twins… That’s incredibly powerful.”
“Yeah,” you agree, throat tight. “We were really fond of the connection too, you know? It was nice to always have someone to rely on who was my perfect balance. We were never-” You take a breath. “Neither was more powerful than the other. There was never any jealousy or overpowering the other. We were always evenly matched.”
“Whenever it would storm,” you continue. “I would go lay in her room. I hated storms but she loved them. I did this countless times up until we were thirteen. I don’t know… Shua, I don’t know what was different that night. I think back to it every single day, what did I do differently, was there an object I touched, a spell I used? And I come up with nothing. But on Beltane when we were thirteen, it was storming. We’d already finished the festival and our parents were out doing their duties and I went and I fell asleep in her room and… and I woke up…”
For a moment, you can’t get the words out. They get trapped in your throat and you stare, unseeing. You imagine the lightning against the window. The warmth of your sister's hands. The tree tap tap tapping against the window with the strength of the wind.
“I drained her in the middle of the night,” you whisper. It’s out now and you can’t stop, can’t look at Joshua’s face to see his reaction. “I went to sleep as normal and when I woke up, she was freezing and lifeless and I felt more powerful than I ever had before. Like I was this magical battery charged up and sparking.”
For a moment, you pause and look at Joshua. You expect to see horror or disgust or a variety of negative emotions, but he’s still watching you. Fond. Waiting. No judgment. When he sees you staring, he gives you a tiny smile and a squeeze of your hand.
“I’m still listening.”
“Aren’t you…” You trail off and shake your head. “I killed my sister. Are you not horrified?”
He frowns then. “You didn’t kill your sister.”
“Yes I did.”
“You weren’t born a siphoner, how could you possibly predict that would ever happen? You didn’t get in that bed with her and then leech her magic, no matter how much it must feel that way. It wasn’t your fault, though I know hearing me say that doesn’t make it feel any less true in here.” He reaches forward and taps your heart lightly. “There is nothing I can say to ease the pain and guilt of that, but what you’re describing to me isn’t the tale of a murderer. It’s the story of someone who had a freak accident, which is more common among the magical community than one might think.”
“I don’t know what happened,” you admit, a tear escaping your eye. Before you can wipe it though, Joshua’s thumb is there, swiping across your face and collecting it. You watch with wide eyes as he cups your face, looking at you with so much something that your head spins. “But in the morning, I was alive and she was dead. And my parents and everyone else hated me for it. That’s why they treat me the way they do. Why my parents were driven to grief. Why I’m alone.”
“You’re not alone. Not anymore.”
“How can anyone accept me like this?”
“Because it isn’t what defines you. We are not made up of only the things we do and the things that happen to us, and I promise you, this is something that happened to you.”
“They would never,” he’s quick to say. He’s still holding your face, wiping tears from your eyes. “And if they did, I don’t care. I’d do the ritual myself, just to prove to you that this burden you carry isn’t your fault.”
You crack a grin, despite the dark topic. “Yeah? You’d try and do a circle all alone?”
“I would walk through fire for you.”
You pull your face out of his hands and shove him a bit. “Fire is your favorite element, Joshua. That’s not impressive.”
His laughter fills the room and he tugs at your hands. You grapple with him as he tries to pull you down, your ache forgotten as you laugh and squeal. “Yah! Let me try and be poetic! It was the first thing that I could think of.”
Joshua overpowers you and pulls you down against his chest. Suddenly you’re very close again, your palms pressed against his chest, the thrum of his heartbeat vibrating through your fingers. You make a surprised sound as he looks up at you, gaze a little darker. A little hazy.
Gently, Joshua reaches up and brushes his fingers across your chin. It’s featherlight and more intimate than you expect, making you blink in surprise. You’re frozen, limbs stuck and heart racing as you watch the corner of his mouth twitch upward. Suddenly the moment feels different - this feels different.
“You have no idea what you mean to me.”
When he says it, you don’t answer at first. You think you imagine him saying it. That suddenly this has blurred into a fantasy of yours. Perhaps you’re actually asleep, soothing your pain with dreams of Joshua. Of being like this with him, pressed closed and intimate with his gaze burning.
“What?” you whisper back, unable to string together a better response.
He doesn’t seem offended though, huffing a laugh. “You really have no idea, huh? You’ve got that massive brain up there and you don’t even use it right.”
“I don’t…”
“You’re right, we should be practicing honesty. If we’re going to lift this block on you and let you join our circle, there can’t be secrets between us. As soon as you cast in a circle with me, you’ll see everything about me, and you deserve to not be caught off guard about what you see there.”
Your heart throbs. “What would I see, Joshua?”
“Someone who would not only walk through fire for you, but who would burn the world down for you. I seem so nice and kind, but beneath the surface, there is a heart capable of terrible things for those I love. And I do love you. Chaotically so. Painfully so. Dangerously so.”
“I-”
“You don’t have to love me back. I’ll never hold you to it. I just need you to know what you’ll see when we link and-”
You interrupt his rambling with a kiss. It’s brief and so quick it’s barely there. You lean away from him, heart pounding, lips parted. You’re surprised at yourself, unsure when you gained the confidence to pull a move on him.
Joshua moves faster than you can finish your sentence. He surges forward, hands skimming up your arms roughly to cup your face and pull you down to him. His mouth is like fire, consuming and warm and sparking with heat. You feel the static shift between the two of you, his magic crackling to life as he makes a noise deep in the back of his throat.
The slide of his plush mouth against yours makes you dizzy. He sucks your bottom lip between his teeth, nipping slightly and you become ravenous. Your tongue brushes against his teeth and he makes a throaty sound again, opening up to let you deepen the kiss, tongue sweeping against his. He’s a slow kisser, dragging his tongue against yours and letting you fall fall fall into him.
Joshua’s hands slide from your face down your shoulders and past them, stopping only at your hips where he squeezes. Your stomach flips at the contact and you twitch a little bit, grinding down into him as his kisses go from languid to a little needier.
“Fuck,” he gasps, head tilting back. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” you ask, mouth going to his jaw. You press wet kisses there, messy lips followed by your tongue, leaving a spit-slick trail. His skin makes your tongue tingle, magic vibrating. You grind your hips down again, rewarded with a whine.
He slips his hands under the hem of your shirt and he digs his blunt nails into your hips. “You know what.”
Grinning, you bring your mouth up to his. Slowly, you lower your hips so you’re pressed flush to his, rolling them again, this time painfully slow. Your breath catches in your throat at the slow-drag friction, the feeling of him shivering underneath you.
“That?” you ask, breathless against his mouth.
“Enough,” he hisses.
The world spins. Joshua grabs you and in a single, swift movement sits up and stands, carrying you with him. You squeal, hands shooting to grasp at his shoulders as he walks toward your room. He kicks his shin on the coffee table as he stumbles with you, balance off with the added weight.
He curses loudly and you can’t help but laugh, clapping a hand over your mouth when his sharp gaze snaps to yours. His eyes are dark dark, hungry and fathomless now as he raises a brow. “Yeah, you’re laughing?”
“Sorry.”
“No you’re not.”
“No, I’m not,” you admit.
“You’re gonna be.”
A wild thrill shoots through you as he carries you to the bedroom. You forget how strong he is, muscles flexing as he shifts you again, careful not to drop you. It makes you feel giddy, but you squeak in a moment of terror when he drops you unceremoniously on your bed, the brief moment of freefall startling.
You land with a huff and he grins down at you as he stands up against the edge of the bed, knees squeezing your legs together as he reaches behind his neck to yank at his t-shirt. You watch, slack-jawed as he pulls the material up and over his head.
Joshua is all gold and tan planes, body perfect in the low light of your room as he tosses his shirt. You take a second to admire his broad chest, dark nipples pebbling in the cool room. Dark hair trails from his belly button and vanishes in the waist of his jeans.
Seeking warmth, you reach for him. He leans forward, pressing his palms into the mattress to hover over you, knees placed on either side of your thighs. His muscles jump when you brush your hands up the softness of his stomach toward the harder muscle of his pecs.
It feels like the sun is trapped underneath his skin, burning its way out of him as your fingers explore. You’ve never touched him like this, slow and reverant and full of unbridled desire. He watches you, drinking in the way you take him in. The way you take your time.
“You’re beautiful,” you murmur, looking up at him. His ears turn red and he rolls his eyes. You grin, dragging your hand up to rest over his chest where his heart thuds wildly beneath your palm. “I mean here, idiot. Yeah you’re hot too, but you’re beautiful in here.”
Unreadable emotion flits across his face. Something like joy and pain - the pain of wanting to hear that for so long, waiting for the admission. You understand the same pain of desire filled so unexpectedly that it hurts.
Joshua kisses you again and this time with intent. He shifts and slides a knee between your legs, pressing up to the apex of your thighs. You groan and lift your hands, sliding them through his hair. The strands are silky soft and long. You twist your fingers at the nape of his neck, pulling him to you as the kiss turns messy.
Whatever this is between you is more magic than you’ve felt in years. You feel breathless as he kisses across your jaw and toward your neck, sucking harshly on the soft skin underneath your ear. You whine and he chuckles, hot breath hitting your ear.
“Why don’t you do that thing you love so much, hmm?” he asks, nipping your ear lobe. “Are you shy now? Don’t wanna grind on me?”
You do want to, but you hesitate. He encourages you, taking a hand and skimming down your waist to your ass, sliding under and squeezing your cheek as he lifts your hips in a motion to grind against him. The friction is good but not nearly enough and you let out a pitiful sound.
“Come on,” he urges. “Do it right, then.”
Fuck. Fuck.
You grind your cunt on his leg properly, planting your feet on the edge of the bed for leverage as Joshua’s mouth ravages your neck. You’re lost in him, letting your mind go a little empty as you seek friction, needing to relieve the pressure throbbing in your cunt.
Arousal gathers in your stomach and you feel yourself slow-drip into your panties, so turned on by the sudden confidence Joshua has when kissing you, when telling you to move. This is a side of him you’ve never explored and you dive in head first.
One hand leaving his hair, you grab his hand that’s on your ass as he continues to nip your collarbones, tongue laving over the sting of his bite. He lets you lead him by the wrist, and you guide his hand between your legs where you press his fingers to your zipper.
“Please,” you rasp. “I need more.”
He sinks his teeth into the top of your right breast, tongue tasting your skin. “Is that so?”
“Please. You said you’d walk through fire for me.”
His laugh is loud and he buries his face in your chest. “Yeah,” he agrees with a chaste kiss to your kiss-bitten chest. “I did say that, huh?”
“Yes, so gimme.”
“Anything For you.”
Years of friendship have erased any ability to feel awkward with Joshua but for a moment, you’re afraid it’ll be weird, touching one another like this. Joshua has no such qualms, unbuttoning your pants and yanking them down your legs with ease.
When he comes back up to lean over you, he doesn’t slot a knee between your legs. Instead, his fingers press firmly to your clothed cunt, a curse falling from his mouth as he feels how damp you are. You’re hot all over and yet you feel hotter still as he circles his fingers gently over your clit.
“Fuck,” you sigh, lids fluttering closed. “Feels good.”
“You’re fucking drenched, all from a little kissing huh?”
“And grinding,” you add.
“Yeah, l remember, you little vixen.” You moan, lost in his lazy ministrations and pressure on your clit. It’s relieved some of the ache, but not nearly enough. “I can see on your face you already want more.”
This time, Joshua doesn’t make you ask for it. He hooks a finger in your underwear and pulls them to the side. Immediately you feel cold air against you, but he’s quick to slide his fingers up and down your wet folds, slicking them up to trail back up and circle slowly around your clit.
“Damn you’re fucking wet,” he curses. He leans up a little, eyes fucked out. “Take the rest off for me, baby.”
Baby. It shivers through you and you comply, though a little haphazardly. It’s hard to remove your shirt and bra with the way his fingers are slowly pressing your clit, making you thrash and gasp.
As soon as you lay back down, no shirt and no bra, Joshua is leaning forward, tongue darting out to flick against a stiffened nipple. You let out a loud moan and he hums in response, attaching his mouth to you and sucking. Fuck it feels good. You arch off the bed and his fingers leave your swollen clit to slide down your sticky mess to circle your entrance.
Gently, he sinks in a single finger. Your eyes roll back a little, pussy fluttering as he strokes your front wall. You’re tingling all over, buzzing with pleasure as he slowly fucks you with his finger, mouth busy plucking at your nipple with his teeth.
You’re lost in it, melted into the bed as Joshua plays you like a well-tuned instrument. The heel of his palm presses against your clit, providing just enough pressure as he fingers you to send the room spinning on its axis.
He tongue-kisses across your chest, mouth ravenous against your heaving gasps as he finds your other nipple. The tip of his tongue circles, making you keen and squirm underneath him. He watches you with dark eyes, teasing the aching bud before nipping you lightly.
“Sensitive,” he mumbles, dragging spit-slicked lips against your breast. “Can you take another finger?”
You nod eagerly, hungry to be filled. Your orgasm is starting to build slowly, worked up by the way he mouths at you, by the way Joshua’s fingers reach so deep, pressing against your g-spot as he sinks another into your heat.
“Shit,” you pant. “That feels so fucking good, Shua.”
“Mhmm.” He brings his mouth up to yours and your tongues tangle, teeth clinking together as he fucks you harder, the wet smack of your pussy against his palm loud. “Tight fucking pussy,” he pants, pressing hard against your front wall. Your heels dig into the bed as you try to keep up with the pleasure blooming in your stomach. “Gonna need to fuck you open a little if you’re gonna take me.”
If you’re gonna take me.
The promise of more has you rolling your hips up to meet his hand. He lets you fuck yourself on his fingers, dropping his gaze to look between your bodies. Your thighs and his stomach are slick with your juice, leaking around his fingers uncontrollably.
When Joshua introduces another finger, you hiss. The stretch is hard and it burns. He doesn’t keep thrusting right away, letting your cunt stretch around his three digits. But he’s pressed up against your soft spot, making you see stars as he puts unrelenting pressure on your nerves.
It feels like insanity, the way he does this to you. The way Joshua buries his face in your neck, your chests pressed together to provide friction against your teeth-marked nipples as he starts to build up a pace again, thrusting.
“I’m gonna come,” you whisper, hands grabbing frantically at his sweaty shoulder blades. Your thighs are shaking and it’s hard to get a breath in. Your voice quakes as you gasp. “Fuck.”
“So come,” he says, as if it’s that simple. He puts weight behind the hand fucking you, quickens the pace. Presses so fucking hard you think you might blackout. “If you’re gonna come, then do it.”
And you do. Just like that, nails digging into his shoulders, eyes squeezed shut and teeth clenched, you come around his fingers. He fucks you through it, breath hot in your ear. Your knees squeeze around his hips until you’re spent, collapsing against the mattress, boneless.
Joshua retracts his fingers. The sudden feeling of being empty makes you huff in protest and he laughs, lifting his face from your neck. You pout up at him and he kisses you again before leaning upward, straddling your legs.
Your eyes zero in on his hands as they undo the top of his belt. His hand is covered in a wet sheen, cum-slicked and sticky. He doesn’t care, popping up the belt and pulling down the zipper of his pants. You grow eager, leaning up as he pulls the waist down, revealing the dark briefs that do nothing to hide how hard he is.
With no warning, you reach for his clothed cock, squeezing firmly. He hisses and drops his hands, jeans only pulled halfway down his thighs. Joshua tips his head back and moans at the ceiling as you lean forward and mouth at the damp spot on his briefs, tasting him.
“Fuck,” he swears and you grin, pressing and holding the flat of your tongue to the cloth to wet it.
You hum. Fingers dancing up his thighs, you pause at the elastic band, looking up at him through your lashes. “Can I?”
Joshua tucks his bottom lip between his teeth, eyes half-lidded. He nods, watching and dazed as you peel the elastic down his hips slowly. You lean forward as you do, pressing a soft kiss to his hip bone. He twitches and sighs in response.
You look at his cock as it bobs against his stomach, brown tip smearing precum against his navel. You lick your lips and drag your hand up, fingers gripping his velvety shaft. He’s thick and heavy in your hand as you grasp him firmly, stroking upward.
“Oh fuck,” he whispers, hips twitching. You grin up at him, swiping a thumb over the crown of his cock to spread the wetness down his shaft. He hums, entranced. “More.”
You don’t have to ask what he means. You lean upwards, pulling the tip of his cock toward your mouth. You slide just the tip into your mouth, suckling generously and running your tongue along the slit. His hand slips to the side of your neck, resting there but not doing anything. It’s a comforting weight as you take him in your mouth properly.
Joshua is art above you. Chest flushed, mouth open, eyes closed. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was on his knees at worship. It is a sort of worship, the way you sink down on his cock, lips stretched wide, drool dripping down the side of your mouth and running down your jaw and neck. Is it not the spirit of loving him moving through you? Is this not heaven, looking up at him and seeing someone that has chosen you over and over again?
No pagan ritual in your life as a witch has felt like this. You swallow around him, eyes watering as you choke on his length, pulling back a little to catch your breath. Your hand squeezes him at the base, slick with your spit and his precum. Your mouth is wet and swollen as you lick the underside of his shaft, never looking away from his face.
“Fuck that mouth,” he sighs, eyes opening and looking down at you. He squeezes the side of your neck a little, fingers right against your throat. “Come on,” he murmurs. “I can’t hold out if you keep going. How do you like it?”
Instead of answering him, you pull off of him with a sloppy, wet noise. You make a show of running your tongue along your lips before turning around and crawling up the bed, wiggling your ass a little. Joshua groans as he sheds his jeans and briefs the rest of the way.
The bed sinks when he crawls behind you. You go down on your elbows, ass up high. He smacks each cheek firmly with both hands, making you yelp as he grips the stinging flesh, squeezing. “You have a good ass.”
“It’s all those charmed cinnabons you feed me.”
He laughs loudly at that. Joshua’s hand skims down to your thighs, grabbing them and pushing them open. You sink a little lower on the bed, face pressed to the sheets and letting your eyes shut. The hair on his thighs sends a shiver up your spine as his legs brush against yours, hands roaming and squeezing your hips, your butt, your thighs.
“You’re fucking perfect,” he mutters. His hands come back over the globes of your ass and sink toward your wet cunt. You moan as his thumbs peel you open, pressing around your clenching hole. “Shit.”
The bed bounces as he moves again and then your eyes are snapping open, fingers twisting in your sheets when you feel the flat of his tongue swipe up your pussy. He hums in delight and you’re reeling, trying to catch your breath as he licks at you.
“Just wanted a taste,” he says, more to himself than you. He sucks your clit into his mouth, flicking his tongue over it a few times and you nearly crumble right there at the unexpected stimulation. He slow-licks up to your hole, tracing it once before retracting his mouth. “I have all the time in the world for you to come in my mouth. Right now I just wanna feel you.”
“Yes, please.”
Your breath gets stuck when you feel the head of Joshua’s cock catch your entrance. He’s thick, and even though you’re dripping down your thighs and stretched from his fingers, the pressure of him sinking into your heat slowly sends you moaning like a wanton whore, unable to stop the sounds escaping your mouth.
Joshua is precise, hands holding your hips firmly until he’s fully seated in your cunt, your walls fluttering around him. You feel so full, his cock reaching deep enough to feel in your gut. When he pulls all the way out, you think something is wrong, but he fucks back into you hard.
“Oh shit,” you gasp, feeling the full weight of him spear you. “Holy shit.”
He doesn’t say anything but he grunts, setting a slow but deep pace. His hips snap into you with force, your knees spreading a little bit wider. He leans into it more, moving his hands to press into the small of your back. The full force of his weight pushing your hips into the bed as he slams into you makes you dizzy.
An orgasm starts to build deep in your stomach. You claw at the bed, breaths coming out in a hiss. Joshua grabs one of your hands, pulling it backward to pin it against your lower back before doing the same to the other. You’re completely pinned under him, pushed so far into the mattress you think you might fade and vanish into foam and sheets.
Nothing here matters but the way he fucks into you, unrelenting, heavy, precise. He says your name and it rolls off his tongue sweeter than any pastry he’s ever made. Your orgasm creeps up on you, shaking and thunderous. It feels stronger than before, a pressure that makes you start to shiver, feet kicking under him.
For a moment, he slows, pulling off you a little. “Okay?”
“Keep going,” you beg him, voice high-pitched and strange to your ears. “Please don’t stop, I’ll tell you if I can’t take it.”
That’s all he needs. He redoubles and this time, changes his direction, hits that spot inside of you head on with his cock and you think you’re going to pass out. You become lifeless under him, unable to do anything but take it. The wave of your orgasm builds and builds and builds until finally, it breaches.
You come for a second time, no noise coming out of you. It’s all white vision and squeezed thighs and ringing ears. You think you feel something like a bolt of lightning, a snap of power so strong as you clench around Joshua that you taste static in the air.
It’s hard to know how long it lasts. One moment you’re shaking and the next, you’re drifting, feeling weightless and exhausted. The weight of Joshua’s touch keeps you tethered and from straying too far, but you’re somewhere in between nonetheless.
Slowly, reality drips back to you. You think you may have dozed a little, your eyes dry as you blink them open. Joshua is lying next to you, arm wrapped around you and eyes closed. He’s not breathing deep enough to be asleep, confirming it when his eyes open, sensing your gaze.
A smile lights up his face and you smile tiredly at him. Your cunt aches and your legs and arms are sore from being pinned, and you’re still a little shaky. Thoughts of your orgasm make you twitch, post-sex tremors that you can’t escape.
“Hi,” you rasp. “Did I fall asleep?”
“I think you blacked out.”
“I- what?”
“I sort of…” he frowns. “There was like this electrical snap when I came. You clenched me so fucking hard I just… let go. I think we sort of had a magical orgasm.”
“A magical orgasm.”
He grins. “Just say thank you for the witch orgasm.”
“Ugh.” You smack his chest and he laughs hoarsely.
It did feel like that though. Like a crackle of energy, like being struck by a storm of electricity and heat. You feel tired and heavy-limbed, but you feel sticky and sweaty too. “I need a shower.”
“Mhmm. I was waiting for you to come to.” He starts to sit up. “Come on, I’ll shower you. Then we need to sleep. We have to prepare you for your big day.”
“My big day?”
Joshua grins as he reaches a hand for you. There’s a spark again when you touch and you hesitate, feeling the well of his magic there. It hums in him, a thunderhead of power and fire. He sees your expressions and softens. “You can’t hurt me.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Baby, I just fucked you until you blacked out, and you know what you didn’t do?” Your brows pull together and he smiles. “You didn’t pull an ounce of my magic from me. I think you’re a lot better at control than you think you are.”
Licking your lips, you nod and let him pull you from bed. You are good at control. You had to be after your sister. It’s something you’ve practiced nonstop, the unconscious control of your desire for magic. Even when you sleep, you wake up often, fearful of losing your grip on yourself while you slumber.
It hasn’t happened yet. And as Joshua leads you to the shower, you think… maybe it never will. Especially if the ritual goes right. Especially if you can get your magic back.
Perhaps for the first time since you were thirteen, you feel a sliver of hope. When you look at Joshua and you feel your heart stutter, you know that even without your magic, you’ve found something.
-
“Oh for the love of the land,” Jihoon groans when you appear in the basement of Joshua’s home. “Look at the two of you.”
Everyone swivels to look at you and Joshua, who are hand-in-hand. You freeze, pulling up short to take in the candle-lit room and the other men who are all looking at you with equal parts happiness and a little bit of amusement.
You shift from foot to foot and chew your lip. Suddenly you want to turn tail and run back up the stairs and away from the watchful eyes of your friends - of Joshua’s coven members. But Joshua holds your hand tight, tugging you down the rest of the stairs into the gloom of the room.
Perhaps gloom isn’t the right word. The room is much too warm and smells of sage and thyme, a good feeling if not a little overwhelming. Outside this house, there is an entire festival going on at the park. The covenstead witches were furious when Joshua let them know that he and his members would not be participating this year, as they had private matters to attend to.
It’s common for covens to use the holiday for something specific. Perhaps to bless a witch in need, or to strengthen a spell, or to defeat some evil. You remember that night that your parents left you alone for Beltane duties to fight and remove Dissenters, and how that turned out for you.
Magic hums all around you. It’s in the sigils on the ceiling of Joshua’s sanctum and it’s in the ley lines that you can feel now more than ever as the veil between worlds thins. Each member of the coven has magic humming in their veins, a sort of signature taste and feel to it. You sense Jihoon’s deep shadows and Seungcheol’s vibrant green, taste Jeonghan’s clean water and feel Junhui’s pure air. Minghao and Joshua are the flickering flame that fills the room with light and heat, and Chan’s crackling storm greets you in the corner.
It’s hard to imagine where you fit in with them. But they don’t have a blood witch, who is all of these things wrapped into one. You know that they support you. All of you have gone over the ritual what feels like a hundred times at this point, perfecting it and making sure you know it inside and out.
The two rituals are wildly different. One to seek and find the source of your pain, led by Jihoon and Junhui. Jihoon’s shadows and connection to the other side will help seek answers and provide clarity on whatever signs and hints come through the vision you’re supposed to have, and Junhui’s strength with air will help keep you protected and clear of any negative energy.
Then, a small spell to build a bridge between the two rituals that Seungcheol will handle with Jeonghan. Seungcheol has it down to a science and has previously used it to link spells, and his affinity for earth will ground the entire circle. Jeonghan’s skill with water is to help guide you from ritual to ritual with ease and clarity.
It’s the second half of the ritual that’s the most demanding, which is why it’s Minghao and Chan conducting the destructive half, breaking whatever stands between you and your magic. Two warriors meant to sever your block or the target of your curse, whichever it may be.
And it’s possible that you’re cursed. You have briefly spoken about what that means. About what to do. It will most likely mean something damaging and life-threatening for whoever did curse you, if you forcefully try to shatter it instead of finding the cause.
But there’s also potential for you to be harmed if the two of them try to break it and it’s too strong. It’s a risk that you have to assess in the moment, which is terrifying. You want to do it anyway, and you’re happy to find that they support you. That they’re there for you.
Coven members already, really.
All of them are dressed to perform a ritual. Dark robes, anointed element symbols in dark ash on their brows. Jihoon has a small circlet around his head, making you pause and tilt your head as you glance at Joshua. He sees your confusion and smiles. “Jihoon is our high priest tonight,” he murmurs. “He will start and end the circle so I can be here with you.”
Jihoon is blushing and looking up at the ceiling when you turn back to him. For him to step up and hold the circle as the beginning and end is a huge risk on him. He’ll be providing the most magic and taking on the most risk second only to you, all so that Joshua can move freer and have more control.
“Jihoon is a very powerful witch, as you know,” Joshua murmurs, steering you to the center of the room. “He holds circles for a lot of our rituals when we feel he’s better suited.”
“Which is often,” Jihoon mutters at the ceiling where he keeps his gaze.
“Yah, shut up, hag. Everyone get in their places.”
Joshua puts you in the very center of the room. There is a pentagram chalked in powder, but there is no glow to it, no light to signal that it’s being used. He squeezes your shoulders and you look at him, wide eyed and afraid. His smile is warm and a little nervous, but he leans in and kisses you once.
“Trust us,” he says. “This will be hard on you. But we’ve got you.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t break the circle,” he reminds you. “If you have to break, do it when Seungcheol is at the middle part and before we start the second ritual. He will open the circle a little, but it’ll be just for a moment before the second is started and locked.”
“Right. Ten second escape if I need to.”
“You only have that window if we need to stop. Once we start the second, there is no stopping until the full ritual is complete.”
“Got it.”
“Good luck,” Joshua whispers and kisses you on the brow. “I’ll be right here.”
With a deep breath, he steps to the side and grasps your hand. The two of you stand alone in the middle, you and your anchor. Silence settles over the room. You haven’t been in the middle of a circle since you were a little girl receiving her first welcome into the coven. You had done that with your sister by your side and your mother at the head of the circle.
Now, you’re with Joshua, with Jihoon at the head of the circle. Jihoon doesn’t really make eye contact with you, but you sense his calming aura even from where he stands at the first point of the circle. He rolls his shoulders and closes his eyes, lifting his palms upward. “I stand at north, the beginning and end, start this circle, spirit ascend.”
You feel the ripple of magic in the room. Fire crackles at Jihoon’s feet, making you flinch. You watch as the red flames lick toward Junhui, who is quick and light as he murmurs, “I stand northeast, to cleanse and protect, continue the circle, spirit to the next.”
You watch the flame as it sparks to life, moving clockwise around the room. Every time a member joins the circle, you feel the power thrum through the room, the pentagram beneath your feet beginning to glow. The flame comes all the way back around to Jihoon and he closes it, eyes opening and looking right at you.
Jihoon looks different than before, eyes shadowed and full of stars. “Begin,” he commands, voice like a thousand whispers.
A little spike of fear goes through you as Junhui begins to chant. You recognize the Latin immediately but your unpracticed ears lose trace of the meaning. It’s picked up slowly in the room and you feel your palms slick with sweat as the light of the pentagram pulses beneath your feet, the flames flickering around the feet of the coven members.
Jihoon’s voice picks up the chant like you’ve never heard him before. It’s uncanny and you lean into Joshua, who squeezes your hand and looks down at you.
“It’s okay,” he whispers. “This happens when he leads a circle. Veil is thin.”
Nodding your head, you turn to the front again, feeling the itch to pull power from the circle, to draw their magic into you. There’s so much of it filling the room, an open tap of water spilling into the sink. You dig your teeth into your bottom lip, worried that you won’t be able to resist, worried that you’re going to pull from the magic and-
A wave of dizziness hits you. You gasp and bend over, hand circling your middle as though you’ve just been punched. Joshua’s hands are on your back but you can’t hear him, a high-pitched ringing drowning out the sound of his voice. For a second, you’re lost in the sensation of having the air sucked from your lungs and the whine in your ears getting higher and higher.
Just when you think that your ear drums will burst, the ringing stops. There is a hushed whisper filling your ears and you still can’t catch your breath. The room spins a little and when you look up expecting to see Jihoon, all you see is dark trees and a blurry shadowy… building. Something.
The whispers creep up on you. There are so many of them, hundreds - no, thousands - of voices brushing against you, dragging their fingers along your skin, touching you, hissing, singing, screaming. It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced and their words are jumbled, sliding over one another.
Terror begins to claw at you. You try to remain calm, remembering that these are not the voices of spirits or something evil. Junhui is commanding this ritual, an element of purity and guidance. He won’t let anything bad happen to you.
With faith in your future coven member, you try to focus on the voices. Try to decode them. Seungcheol warned you that the messaging might be confusing. That you might not follow or understand what it’s saying. Symbols, images, key words. You need to reach for anything that seems like something, that can point to the origin of your block and follow it.
Jihoon’s presence presses at the back of your mind. It startles you at first, to feel who you know is innately Jihoon. You follow the press of whatever he’s doing and you catch a few words that fly by you: little hut little hut. Little hut little hut. Little hut little hut.
Unsure what it means, you cling to that. Little hut. It means something… you remember something about it. Jihoon’s presence fades away, satisfied that you’ve picked up on whatever it is he sees or senses.
Flipping through memories, you try to remember why a hut might mean anything to you. There were no huts by your town… nothing that you can remember no one you know of.
Little hut, little hut.
One memory sticks with you. Your sister playing in the background, hopscotching to a little tune that Mila down the street whispered to her about a witch in the woods.
Little hut, little hut
Hidden in the wood
Little hut, little hut
Up to no good
Yes, you think. A rhyme about a witch who lived in the woods. More thing than witch, really. A shadowy being that took the shape of a hut, a creature of magic and curses that could be found in the darkest part of the woods when the veil is thin.
Little hut, little hut
Alone in the gloom
Little hut, little hut
Silent as a tomb
You see it now. The blurry shape of a house that’s not really a house. The witch in the wood was a blood witch once, it was said. A witch who had long since dissented and practiced arcane magic, following a path that led her here. That led her to this. A thing of the woods.
It occurs to you the weight of the appearance of her. This hut in the woods. Jihoon’s flippant remark about you being cursed is suddenly real.
Dread drops down in your stomach like a weight. You can’t hear anything beyond the rhyme, the chant to find the witch of the woods. You’re cursed, you realize. All the fear that your condition was self-inflicted, that it was your fault, that this was something you did.
This is something that happened to you, Joshua had said.
And he was right. Someone cursed you - did this to you. A child.
Out there in the world, there is someone responsible for the death of your sister. Someone who took your magic, who turned you into a leech. The reason for your family's pain, the reason for them throwing you away. For your father and mother being driven mad, for the town turning against you.
You think about the rock that hit you just days ago. Thrown by a child taught to hate you. Taught that it was okay to hurt you because it was you. The town siphoner. A witch who couldn’t make her own magic, a parasite.
Anger wells up inside of you and you latch onto the rhyme swirling around your head, clawing through it. This is the thread you must follow to find your curse giver. This is the clue.
Little hut, little hut
Across the dark stream
Little hut, little hut
Wait for the scream
Dully, you are aware that Joshua is next to you. You see him from the corner of your eye but it’s not Joshua at all. Well - not as you now know him. This Joshua is younger - a teenager by the looks of it. He’s not doing anything except staring out into the darkness. He fades in and out like a bad TV picture, glitching and blurring. But you know it’s him.
His face is different though. Twisted in grief and pain, a frozen picture of angst. You imagine this is what you looked like when your sister died, a tableau of hurt and hate.
Little hut, little hut
I call to thee
Little hut, little hut
Come to me
The Joshua in front of you fades away. You reach out for him but your hands cut through empty air and darkness. He’s not really there and you have a hard time grasping the meaning of this. The voice sounds almost like Joshua but not quite. Not as mature.
Young Joshua doesn’t show up again. You can feel the real Joshua somewhere in the mess of the vision and the darkness, but you can’t hear him. Can’t see him. There is only the omnipresent darkness of the hut and the whispers of voices.
Little hut, little hut
Hear my strife
Little hut, little hut
Ruin this life
There’s a flash of lightning. A storm in the darkness, splashes of purple and blue electricity. You cover your eyes as you hear thunder, low and soft somewhere. Across from you, your sister appears. She’s a fraternal twin who looks nothing like you except in the eyes. Your eyes look right back at you.
She’s the same age she was when she died. When you took her magic away. When you were cursed. She looks the same age as the apparition of Joshua, and you try to understand. To make the connection from what you're seeing as the lightning lances again like it did that fateful night.
The rhyme keeps circling in a hurricane of whispers.
As the ritual comes to a close, the vision begins to fade. You’re no better off than where you started and in a panic, you reach for the vision of your sister. You just want to hold her one last time, to feel the warmth of her skin.
But she isn’t real and she fades as Junhui’s chanting falls to a murmur and then to a whisper, the air returning to normal. You can breathe again, and as you look up from where you’re bent over, you see Joshua kneeling on the ground in front of you, holding you by the shoulders. His face is swimming with fear and concern, gaze searching.
Joshua looks so much like his younger self. He’s matured into his face and is a handsome man, but he was a cute teenager. His face now is full of love and concern, but you think about his face in your vision. Twisted in pain and years.
Little hut, little hut
Hear my strife
Little hut, little hut
Ruin this life
You straighten up suddenly, knocking him over on his ass as you do so. It feels like you’ve been slapped as you stare at him, a sudden buzz in your ears as you stare and stare and stare. The ritual comes to an end and Seungcheol opens the circle - a foot in the door, more like - and begins to start his spell for Minghao and Chan to weave the new ritual into the circle.
Without thinking about it, you dash for the edge of the circle. Joshua yells but you’re fast, surging between Seungcheol and Jeonghan where the door exists. Seungcheol’s head snaps to look at you, eyes wide and mouth open.
“Close it and close the circle,” you pant.
“I-”
“Close the fucking circle!”
All eyes turn to you. They hesitate for a moment, the flames around them wavering. You can feel the power licking at their heels and something like rage shudders through you. You don’t know where to channel it yet and you begin to pace as Seungcheol recloses the circle and turns to Jihoon.
Slowly, Jihoon begins to finish the ritual. They work backward from Jihoon to Chan to Minghao to Jeonghan. You don’t look at them, wringing your hands as you pace back and forth, heart reaching a wild beat.
Images fly by. The hut, the whispers, Joshua’s face, the thunderstorm, your sister.
The narrative isn’t straightforward. You don’t quite understand the rhyme, or its function, but the second half sounds bad, sounds perhaps like a plea. A bargain. A need for a curse. You recall the thunderstorm on the night of Beltane, the way your sister watched with wide eyes while you sought her out. You think of Joshua’s affinity for fire and storms, the way he can command thunder just by being upset. You think of his face, so full of pain and hate.
Finally, they finish the circle. Joshua rushes to you, hands outstretched and a question on his mouth but you jerk away from him.
“Did you curse someone?” you demand, making him pull up short. He opens and closes his mouth. The silence in the room is deafening. You can hear your own heartbeat, pulse throbbing in your ears. “Joshua, did you curse someone?”
“I… what does that have to do with-”
“Little hut, little hut. Hear my strife. Little hut, little hut. Ruin this life.”
Three things happen then. The first is Joshua’s confusion as he shakes his head, lost as to why you’re repeating a rhyme back to him. Then a flicker of memory followed by the drain of color on his face. He straightens up, blanched and shakes his head back and forth as he takes a step away from you.
“No,” he says and takes another step back. “That’s not right, I didn’t curse you.”
“What did you do?”
“I didn’t curse you,” he says again. He seems lost in it though, like he’s saying it to himself. Jihoon takes a step toward Joshua and he holds out a hand, warding Jihoon off. “I cursed the witches responsible for killing my parents. I didn’t curse you.”
“You cursed someone?” Minghao hisses from across the circle. “And you never thought to mention it in preparation for this?”
“Shut up, Minghao,” Joshua snaps. “I didn’t curse her. I did go into the woods that night to find the hut witch and I cursed the people responsible for killing my parents. I didn’t even know you then.”
“Did you give a name? What did you say?”
“I didn’t know their names!” He answers, frantic and looking at you pleadingly. “I didn’t - no. I remember it, I shared my blood with her, to show the memory. I saw their faces, but I didn’t know their names. We were -” his voice cracks and he clutches his hands against his chest, tears in his eyes. “I was so afraid when they came. We’d been going from town to town, trying to get away. My parents wanted to go back home, overseas. We just had to get there and then these witches, they came and blew down the door and they killed them.”
“So you cursed them based on a memory?”
“Yes,” he insists. “Baby, I didn’t curse you. How could I? How would I?”
Little hut, little hut
Hear my strife
Little hut, little hut
Ruin this life
“Joshua.” You say his full name, voice ringing and calmer than you feel. Your stomach is in knots and you feel your mouth water, hinting at the nausea working its way up your throat. “Did you ask the blood witch in the hut to ruin the lives of the witches who killed your parents?”
“Yes.”
“Were your parents Dissenters killed on the night of Beltane?”
A long stretch of silence takes up the space between you. You stare at Joshua and he becomes a stranger. Become another person on the street that looks at you with hate. Another face in the dozens of the town who don’t care if you exist.
When Joshua says nothing, it means everything. The final piece of information slots its way in and you feel like you’re going to crack open like an egg and spill out. Gooey and yolk-yellow.
“That was why there was a storm,” you whisper. “Because you were angry and upset, wherever it was that you were. And you cursed my family. Not my parents. Our entire family. That’s why I lost my magic and siphoned my sister to death. That’s why my parents were driven to madness and their eventual end. It’s why everyone hates me. You cursed me with ruin.”
“I…” Joshua shakes his head but can’t make the words come out.
There is no way out now. You get everything picture perfect for the first time. It’s the perfect curse, really. Driving your family to ruin in different ways. Pushing you, the final member of the family, to the person you would eventually fall in love with, to the person that cursed you.
You turn and run. He tries to run after you but someone stops him. He has his coven to comfort him for what he’s done and you have nothing and no one. Just how you started.
Your runaway is messy. Tripping over thresholds, slipping down stairs. Night stretches over the world and the air is thrumming with energy. You think it would be so easy to tap into, to take and take and take the magic around you that echoes from the Beltane festivals. Would anyone even notice if you took a little?
Still, you don’t. Hot tears blind you as you stumble into the woods behind Joshua’s house. It’s not the best shortcut when you’re distraught and overcome with tears, but you think you can get to your apartment building by memory alone.
Around you, the world grows darker and quieter. Eventually, all you can hear is your ragged breathing and sniffling as the tears freefall. Something prickles on your skin and you slow your tangled escape to look around you.
The woods are unfamiliar. At least, they seem darker and hazier, like you’re somewhere that looks like the woods behind Joshua’s house but isn't quite right. You’re more careful as you move forward, one foot in front of the other.
A breeze cools the back of your neck. It makes you shiver, feeling more like a finger running down your spine than the actual wind. A whisper of noise wisps by you and you stop, frowning. Trying to grasp the words as they float by, indiscernible.
You start walking again, following the sound of a voice that is always just a little too far ahead. A little too soft spoken for you to make out the words. When you do manage to catch up, you hear a soft little rhyme.
Little hut, little hut
Hidden in the wood
Little hut, little hut
Up to no good
Little hut, little hut
Alone in the gloom
Little hut, little hut
Silent as a tomb
Little hut, little hut
Across the dark stream
Little hut, little hut
Wait for the scream
Something like a high-pitched wail rings out behind you. Your limbs lock and goosebumps explode over your arms and legs as you slowly crane your neck to look in the direction that you came. There’s no clear path, just tangled trees and darkness.
A soft buzz tingles along your skin. You sense the magic, static that you can’t hear but you can feel and taste on your tongue. Slowly, you turn back to face the direction you’re walking. There is a tiny little stream in front of you, trickling and black.
Carefully, you step over it. Your hands quake. Sweat gathers on the nape of your neck and your upper lip, your mouth trembling as you see the vague shape of a hut. Or perhaps it's just the idea of a hut, with a hole for a door that looks endless. Void. Dark.
You think about your sister. See her face swimming in front of you, so full of life. Then it drains of color as you bleed her dry and steal everything from her. Every drop, turning her from a beautiful girl full of the sun and the sky into a husk.
You clench your fists.
Vengeance can’t bring her back. Vengeance can’t make them love you. But it can take away this fucking hurt inside of you, the pain that you have carried for so long that it feels like a wound that will never close. So you decide to take a page out of Joshua’s book.
“Little hut, little hut,” you whisper, voice shaking. “Feel my ache. Little hut, little hut, make him break.”
