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Journal 33
I just wish there was something I could do. Adam's my friend, one of the very few I have. I don't want to see him go, cause I know how hard it's going to be and how upset he'll be when he does leave on Wednesday. Jesse's gonna be heart broken and so will Adam.
But as Adam's friend, I'll be there to help however I can. And if Jesse needs anything from me which is highly unlikely, I'll help him too. This situation just sucks.
Journal #33
Journal 34
I'm just going to let it naturally grow and what not. I need to stop thinking about it and just look at things in a simple perspective instead of complicating stuff with stupid issues that may never even arise. It's not that I'm putting too much energy into this guy, it's just that I'm slightly expecting much to come out of it. I know I shouldn't, but it's hard when he's 1.) cute 2.) relatively your age 3.) pretty fun to be around with. I just can't stop feeling the way I do, and I know it's going to take a while to detach the feeling and to come back to how I felt before him.
Right now it sounds super melodramatic of me because of what I wrote, but honestly it's how I feel and nobody else will really listen without getting tired of me repeating stuff/going in circles. This shouldn't be complicated, but I'm making it like that and I should definitely stop. To stop caring is honestly the best I can do, but I think it would hurt me more than he will ever even realize. Not that he knows that I think of him a lot- and I don't think he ever will.
In the end I feel like I hurt myself more than anything and it's going to suck, but I guess that's what being human is like: having high hopes and wishing for the best. I wish things would work out but I don't think they ever will/could. Circumstances aren't right, but neither is his sexuality or his heart. I can't make him do what I want- that's absurd and totally selfish. I can't force him to be what I want either. I just really really really wish things could go my way for.. you know a while. Enough for me to really be 100% happy with my life and with myself.
Maybe things will look better soon?
"I've found that the saddest people are also the funniest, and only those who understand complexity can communicate simplicity"
