#journal entry 15

[stuckintmrw]

im finna go, or so i heard

i just gotta act like i didnt hear them

or ill be here for a third.

[emmathegalaxygirl]

IX ⬝ XXIV ⬝ MMXIX

I miss my boy

Even though he was never technically mine.

He may as well have been.

Because he was the sun on my darkest day

And I love him.

And whether or not he knows I love him

And whether or not he ever loved me.

He will always be

My boy.

[pawnthesj]

Acceptance. It's a word I struggled with for as long as I can remember. Denial on the other hand is a word I am too familiar with.

Even writing this is a struggle because in here, I will state what I've been denying, in hopes that soon, I'll accept.

My silence can't be read by the people around me. I can't accept that even the people who have been there since my first cry don't know how my silence is my scream and cry for help. It's not their fault and it's me being selfish of those who want to know what I feel. I always thought that what I feel is petty. What I feel is not that important compared to what others feel.

I closed myself with possibilities of meeting people because I was afraid that I wasn't interesting. "Going out" is never an option for me not because I have strict parents, but because I put up a wall that says "No Fun Beyond The Border". Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe my definition of 'fun' isn't the same as others and I need to learn to accept that that's okay.

I lost touch with myself. I was too harsh on myself. I didn't allow myself to feel, to cry, to speak, and to admit. I was the friend who supports all the time. The friend who had good self-love advices. But I was not that kind of friend to myself. I was the worst relationship I had.

My heart's been heavy since the year started and I need to change that. I can't go on and miss out on the beautiful things the rest of the year has. I decided to start seeing good in things again because I can't handle myself anymore and only I can gradually change that.

Cheer for me.

[mylittle-babe]

May 6th, 2018

Because without you I cant not imagine what Untold unhappiness I'd be faced with. Nothing compares to how I feel coming home at Night, greeting you with my usually hello I just love to see the way your Ears perked, listening to my every word. Sometimes I dont know where my love went before I had you.

Shannon went to the vet Friday morning. She was given more meds, and the doctor gave us fluids to administer at home. The lady from the rescue called me, and offered to take Shannon over the weekend, since she doesnt work, and I do. She was able to take care of my baby girl all weekend long, and Shannon is doing better. She has solid poops, and is eating hay on her own. 

I havent had play time in over a week, and I am dying. I can feel how tense my body is, and how needy I am for my daddy. I am just so lost, I cant find my little space, and everything enjoyable just stresses me out. I have been trying to craft, but I dont have a lot of new stuff, and I have no money to go out with my friends, or money to afford to drive somewhere and walk around because I only have a little bit of money for gas for the next two weeks. 

I am off tomorrow, so maybe my daddy will give me a little something tomorrow before he works. I am just so tired, and so emotionally exhausted. I miss my bunny so much, I wish she was home already. Having no one here is so lonely, and I miss my baby soooo much. I keep crying every time I come home. I wish the lady would let me visit if she cant come home tomorrow. 

Work is certainly getting better. I got a lot done today, and I know Tuesday will be even better. They opened a position I have been wanting for a long time, and I am very qualified for it. I hope they at least let me interview. I have made a pact to myself and my mom that if I dont get this promotion, I am going to look into finding a better job. I really dont want to leave Walmart so I am hoping I get this.

[malcolmbuck]

5:27 PM September 3

There's something in the trees. That shadow I talked about? I knew something was off. There is something in my tree.

[cutandbledink]

30 June, Afternoon?

After the previous incidents, I am thankful in returning to my abode without threats or cause for grief. As I ponder at my resting place, I can't help an unnerving sense we create. I would explain, but I have forces beyond my will stating otherwise. I leave that for a later day, or another voice.

I tempt myself with a dream unponderable. I mustn't think such thoughts, especially in my condition. I have little to truly state the way I've acted. I worry, because we become restless the more I admonish myself for hurting Diane. Perhaps I should worry less, though a being like myself gains much from doing so.

It is whether I am unsure or am being refused the knowledge of by us that most likely holds the answer.

I shall devulge less about us. It is beginning to hurt.

On the less uneventful side, I found a stray. A young being who had little life to its name. The sorry creature sat at my doorway when I came to check. It was a gift from Him again. I would reduce myself to curses if I spoke his name, or have it written even.

He is disgusting me once again by exploring my limits. I killed the thing with a simple pair of scissors, pouring some wine on its corpse before letting it drain into the disposal system. I regret, though nothing else could be done. He hits my nerves, knowing too much about my past for my liking.

I must make plans, for work is soon and tomorrow shall be a better moment. To break my mind from Him, I will go to Doll Face and Felix. I have grown weary of Diane's presense, and I cannot go to meet Dylan because of it.

I shall end my process of thought here. Human curiosity be striken, I desire peace.

-Nife