There’s a break coming up.
My younger brothers birthday was yesterday, and I was urged to return home for a few days. I obviously didn’t want to, my brother lives with my mum still. He’s turning 17, and I wasn’t there for his 16th birthday, I felt a bit obligated to go.
The days was spent with family. My brother, my step sister and my mother and father. My little brother wanted to go to the mall so we went. mum bought him all that he wanted and dad got us food. I bought him a new skateboard, which was a lot more expensive than I thought it would be.
There was a moment where me and my mum were alone, walking through the store while my dad and brother looked around. My wee step sister had decided to latch onto me, and I really couldn’t say no to a pouting four year old.
My mother was tinkering around on her phone and we were, in that moment, stuck in an awkward silence. I was nodding along to Ellie’s nonsense babbling when my mum cursed at something a bit abruptly. It was instinct to hover away and ignore her, but instead I asked her what was wrong. As expected she waved her hand around aggressively and told me to bugger off. I didn’t, because I was still holding Ellie. After a few seconds she screamed and smacked her head and dropped her phone on the ground, walking off.
When she walked away, probably out of the store, I gave Ellie to my dad, who came over after hearing my mother, and grabbed her smashed phone. I realised that even though my mother wasn’t the best- far from it, I still loved her, because I followed her out. I didn’t find her, which is why I assumed she left the store, but i kept her phone.
I love my mum, but I am terrified of her. Absolutely petrified. Nothing in this world scares me so thoroughly than my mother, and not just because she’s abusive and cruel, but because her behavior isn’t exclusively for me. She’ll treat anyone badly, even herself. She won’t openly complain, or scream at workers, but the way she presents herself and speaks makes me wince and it makes me ashamed to even be related to her.
